Couragetobe

   Yes, I know, the title sounds vaguely Christian, apologies to all of my homes that I just tuned out. What I mean to say is, I've had so many tiny tiny moments in the past few weeks that have really planted this deep regret deep inside of me for not finishing the Bible. Well, it is more than just tbe Bible. It is every source of knowledge floating out there in our universe, every shred of useful information that I sincerely wish I had learned when I was younger.

     My friends and I are puzzled by a question, one that keeps bouncing around inside our heads, one so simple, so pure, so chilidishly innocent but emotionally exhausting and logically impossible to not only solve, but to endure without knowing the answer. The question is, as so many of you have probably already guessed, "Why?" Why are we here, what is being asked of me? Does my existence hold any worth? Dear God, I fear that I must have been missing the day in Sunday School where they answered all of these questions. I was probably watching GIJOES on the telly, which says a little something about me.

      The problem is one of existence. All teenagers are being haunted by this question, it seems to drain any life and enjoyment out of our day to day routines. Before, it was nothing. I knew that I did not have a solid reason for living as a lad, but I was content that I would always continue to pursue one because I derived an ounce of pleasure from this world. If you enjoy life, you are always more willing to defend it from the shadow of worthlessness. No one wants their pleasure to become guiltladen, they want to live life and to say they do it for a higher cause. But they are really just in it for the pleasure.

       I am tired. Sleep escapes me, and like millions of teenagers across the country, I feel the weight of my mid to late puberty starting to finally excise its toll on my psyche. I can not go further, life is too much of a burden. I sleep for only two or three hours a night, my body pulsates with pain and suffering as I continue to beat myself to death like the next day will heal all wounds. The next day doesn't even give me time to grow scars, the blood is still fresh on my lascerated skin. Life isn't damned enjoyable anymore, and quite frankly, life becomes the living hell.

        The worst thing is, I am the one who is supposed to know the answers. ME!! I look to my friends for advice, to bounce my ideas of hopelessness and despair, to vainly hope that I can gain something from their battles, their experience in living. Sometimes I do learn something, many times I do not. Then, when I expect all of my friends to be busy having fun, playing scrabble naked at four AM, do you know what they are up to? Trying to answer the same bloody question as me! Good grief, this is worse than I thought. My life was never in danger, I cling to life too stubbornly because of my "damn optimism." What worries me is everyone else. Are they all right? What thoughts are flying through their heads? Deep down inside me, it is scary. You can't read someone's thoughts on their face, and I can only hope and pray that when someone does feel like life is hopeless, they try and find someone to disprove it. I won't lie to anyone, the situation is awkward for me. I am trying to find the answer, I do not possess it. I can offer what little insight or hope I have accumulated, but little more. Oh, if I could only share some of my optimism, everyone would be much better off.

       The answer could lie in philosophy or religion, perhaps even both. I am searching for something that can work for me, the key to my continued existence. Books, magazines, every thing in my day's experiences in some way touches my thoughts profoundly. I don't know, maybe everything in life is being orchestrated by God, and all of these experiences are ...destined. Like everything is one giant lesson, but the true meaning of everything isn't a straight fact, it is something that must be slowly reached through a lifetime of experiences. In much the same way that we take Algebra before we take Geometry, and Geometry before we take Trig, and Trig before we take Calculus, we work our way up the ladder of instruction. But this life isn't a ladder, no, it is far too complicated. It is more like a pyramid, where all of the foundations are leading towards one final moment of brilliance, the zenith of human achievement. (aka aptitude, for you Psychologically prone souls) The crowning moment of each human, when they reach this point. Or do any people reach it? I do not know, frankly. Maybe no one has, maybe no one will. I feel that I am being guided, gently padded towards the right direction with each passing moment. I feel like angels are leading me in. They are there, beside me, watching me, leaving hints at the great moment which is to come. I have no idea where I am being led to, but I am being led to something. I can feel it; the single solitary strength in my being is being provided, the inspiration to continue. The truth is out there, it always has been, and always will be. We must all live, and we must enjoy life. The Dalai Lama knows a thing or two about that, and you are invited to read the Art of Happiness, which Jacqui is currently studying intently. (or should be) At the same time that I am being led to Christianity and Jesus, I feel like I have gotten even closer to Buddhism and Nirvana, so you Christian fearing folks out there had nothing to fear with my introduction.

      What can I say to all of those who are struggling as they read these words? Do not lose hope. The only thing more mysterious than life is death, so you shouldn't rush into darkness when you can't even understand light. There are many things to be discovered here on earth, and there is always the chance that you will find whatever is bothering your precious mind. When you do, tell me about it. Everyone needs faith, the most firm astrophysicist has faith in his theorems and equations. Without them, his life would be meaningless. Do not worry about the suffering of life, that will pass for all of us. But, until then, don't just say your reason for living is out there, believe it. Have faith and your burden will be lessened, your mind cleared, your soul cleansed. Good luck, and God bless.