Chapter 5: To Fall into Darkness

It was raining again. It had been raining that day when Jack found Sam, that day that seemed so long ago. Now Jack stood next to his car in the rain, his keys in his hand and doubt in his mind. A second later he turned and headed back into the base.

�Forget something, Colonel?� the sergeant at the checkpoint joked.

Sam was sitting cross legged on her bed in the iso-room, her laptop open in front of her, her fingers flying over the keyboard. The girl was sitting across from her, though Sam wasn�t paying attention. They both looked up as the door opened and Jack walked in, trying his best to act casual.

�Hey, Carter.� Jack pulled a chair up and sat down.

Sam closed her laptop. �Sir.�

�It�s raining outside.�

Sam closed her eyes. Yellow patterns running down the wall and the soft sound of rain on the window. �Are you going to come find me again?�

�Huh?�

�Last time it was raining you came and found me.� Sam opened her eyes and looked at her CO. �What about this time?�

�You really are lost, aren�t you?�

�God, I don�t even know what�s happening to me!� Sam ran her fingers through her short blond hair in a desperate motion, her eyes wide. �I�m not even in pain anymore, but what�s happening to me? I need to get out of here.� I need to get away from her. She won�t stop staring at me.

Jack raised his bottle. �Here�s to Carter not throwing anything in the past week.�

Sam grabbed the small pillow off the couch next to her and lobbed it at her CO. Daniel burst into laughter.

�Goddamn,� Jack grumbled. �Just be glad McKenzie isn�t here or he�d have you locked up again.�

�They�re called throw pillows for a reason.� Sam said.

Teal�c raised one eyebrow. �I do not believe they are intended to be thrown, however, Major Carter.� Everyone rolled their eyes.

The stars washed across the sky and the moon shone so brightly it reflected in the waters of the lake. Jack�s arms were folded behind his head as he lay sprawled on the grass, but Sam just sat with her head tilted back.

�You�re going to get a crick in your neck.� Jack patted the grass next to him.

Sam lay down, tucking one arm behind her head. Jack took her hand in his, holding them both up to the heavens and drawing constellations among the glowing stars. He went through the standard ones and then began just making up his own, trying to get a laugh out of Sam. When he found �The little gray butt of Thor� hanging above the eastern tree line, Sam did start laughing.

And laughing. For some reason, maybe the serious tone in which Jack said it, she found it positively hilarious. She rolled onto her side, curling up in a little ball in an attempt to get control of herself. Then she felt Jack behind her and she stopped.

�I wasn�t that funny, was I?� Jack was on his side, propped up on one elbow, his free hand resting on Sam�s shoulder.

Sam turned her head, still grinning. She could barely see Jack�s face in the dark, but the feeling of his warm presence next to her was comforting. Jack�s fingers came up to run through her hair.

�I�ve been so worried about you.� He admitted quietly. �I still am worried about you.�

She was doing better, but Jack didn�t believe that everything was okay. It wasn�t, but she wouldn�t tell him exactly what was wrong.

Brave Carter, Jack thought watching her stand up and brush grass off herself. She thinks she needs to be strong all the time when really being strong worries some of us even more.

The girl returned that night. Sam was in her bathroom brushing her teeth when the ragged little being appeared in the doorway. She also spoke, for the first time since she�d been chanting.

�You think they care about you, don�t you?�

Sam blinked. Responding to the girl would get her no strange looks from the pictures that hung on her walls. �They do.�

�No they don�t.� The girl walked to stand next to Sam before the sink. She gazed at herself in the mirror, then grabbed a comb and began running it through her thinning, matted hair. �The just have to pretend to like you, �cus you�re so smart and they think they need you. But they don�t actually.�

�Shut up. Who are you anyway?�

�Someone who knows everything about your life.� The girl turned to face Sam, her bulging eyes wide. �They don�t care about you.�

�Yes they do! They�re like my family.�

�Did Daniel or Teal�c come to find you?�

�Jack did.�

The girl rolled her eyes. �He�s almost old enough to be your father. Think, Sam, what interest would he have in you?�

�Go away!�

�No!� The girl walked over and put her thin hands on her hips. �Do us all a favor, Samantha Carter, and just kill yourself. No one wants you. Why do you think you�ve never been able to get past engagement? Why do you think all your past boyfriends have died? You�re a bad person.�

Sam sat down heavily on the lid of the toilet. She tried so hard to tell herself that this wasn�t real, but the girls words� �No.�

The girl�s face was twisted. �You killed them. You killed them all. It�s all your fault. It�s your fault your father�s dead too. If you�d noticed something was wrong earlier he wouldn�t have died. If you were nicer to Pete he wouldn�t have hit you. Everyone around you is just going to leave you, Sam, because none of them love you.�

�Go away!� Sam screamed, and when the last echoes of her voice faded, she was alone again. Alone to cry once more and wonder if the girl hadn�t been that far off.

The bright lights of the infirmary only did to show Janet just how tired Sam was. Sam shrugged listlessly.

�Sam,� the petite doctor�s voice was firm. �If you�re not sleeping I�m going to say that I want you to stay on base. In your condition you need to get enough sleep.�

In your condition. And what was that exactly? What was Sam�s condition? You could hardly see the bruise anymore. Her mouth didn�t hurt. Janet finished up and went over to the door. Daniel walked in and the two exchanged a few words and a tender kiss before Janet strode back into her office and Daniel walked over to Sam.

�Hey, Sam, how�re you feeling?�

�Fine.� Sam�s condition was that she longed for someone to walk over and kiss her as tenderly as Daniel did Janet. She knew who she wanted that someone to be, too, but she knew he didn�t care about her that way. Her condition was that she�d been tossed into a rut and the sides were too muddy for her to climb out again. A rut that was filled with the starving bodies of little girls, always pulling her back down again.

�You wanna go grab something to eat?�

�I�m not hungry.�

�Come on.� Daniel gave her a pleading look, so Sam stood up and followed him out of the room.

Later they sat at a table in the commissary while Daniel ate and Sam watched him.

�Did those investigators talk to you?�

Sam nodded. It had been a frustrating and uncomfortable affair full of intimidating words. �Yeah. They said he�s in jail.�

�He is.�

�Good.� The word slipped from Sam�s lips and she almost felt bad about saying it. If she�d only been nicer to him he wouldn�t have done it.

�Sam?� Daniel gave her a quizzical look.

She glanced up at him.

�This wasn�t your fault.�

Sam swore at times Daniel had picked up ESP when he was ascended. She shrugged.

Daniel sighed heavily. �Why don�t you go do something you enjoy for a while? Like working on some new technology thing? Take your mind off stuff.�

There it was, plain and simple. The girl had been right, they were only interested in Sam for her brains. She stood up and walked out of the commissary a little more abruptly than Daniel had expected.

Daniel stepped away from Janet and gave Jack an annoyed look. �Last time I saw her was at lunch. I thought she was going up to her lab to work on something.�

�She�s not there now.�

�Did you try calling her house?� Janet suggested, running her hands over her shirt to smooth out the wrinkles. �She might have just gone home to get some rest.�

Jack shrugged. �I was on my way home anyway. I�ll stop in and make sure she�s alright.�

He left the base and got into his car, driving the familiar rout to Sam�s house. Dark gray clouds were looming ominously in the sky, and the air was heavy with moisture. Jack didn�t like it. It made him nervous.

Sam�s car was in her driveway, but she didn�t answer the doorbell. Jack kicked aside the mat with one foot and grabbed the spare key, letting himself in.

Sam�s coat and bag were tossed carelessly on the floor of the living room. Jack�s heart began pounding.

�Carter?�

So much had happened in the rain, Sam thought. So much. In the movies it was always raining when someone died. How oddly fitting.

She heard a noise downstairs but ignored it. She didn�t give a care if it was one of her teammates or the goddamn NID. Could be a goa�uld system lord for all it mattered.

The gray light from the window glinted off sharp metal.

�Carter! Stop!�

Sam looked up at him with empty eyes. Angry red lines crisscrossed themselves over the back of her arm.

�Sam,� Jack walked to her, holding out his hands. �Give it to me.�

Sam shook her head and looked down. In a flash Jack was before her, on his knees, grabbing her uninjured arm in one hand, twisting her wrist enough to get her to drop the razor.

Sam stared at him, then fell into his arms. They clung to each other, both sobbing miserably as the rain fell heavier against the windows.

It was always raining in the movies when someone died�and Sam felt the girl�s prescence expire like a candle being blown out.

Chapter 6: But You�re the One Always Saving Me

This wasn�t right. Oh god, this really wasn�t right. Jack couldn�t remember the last time he�d cried this hard. It had probably been when Charlie died. But now he was sitting here on his 2IC�s bedroom floor, crying his eyes out, holding her while the cuts on her arms smeared blood on his shirt and the rain hit the window with a steady tat tat tatting.

Sam was crying too, and that only made Jack cry harder.

Jack looked up. He�d been sitting at the table in the briefing room for an hour or more, while Hammond spoke on the phone to someone at the Pentagon. Now Hammond came out, looking tired. They�d all been looking tired for the past couple days.

�Well?�

�They�re expressing their concerns about Major Carter�s mental health and frankly�� Hammond sighed. �They�re giving me a strong recommendation to discharge her.�

�What?!� Jack stared at the general. �Sir, you can�t do that! Carter�s brain alone is more valuable to this country than the rest of us put together!�

They don�t want it if it isn�t working right��Jack,� Hammond sat down. �I don�t want to. I know exactly how valuable she is, but she tried to kill herself. If it weren�t for you she probably would be dead right now. Dr. McKenzie diagnosed her with schizophrenia-�

�Sir she hasn�t shown any symptoms since I found her.� Jack pointed out. �In fact, she�s been acting more normal now than she has in the past few months.�

�I know that. And I�m not going to discharge her without a fight. But�� And here he was having to play the devil�s advocate now. Or maybe not, but he knew it would seem that way to Jack. �This could be for her own safety as well as the team�s. And I�m not saying that she�d be fired from the SGC. But the military doesn�t want someone that unstable on active duty when she could endanger the lives of others-�

�Sir!� Jack interrupted again. �I�ve worked with Carter for over seven years and no matter what she would never endanger anyone else�s life.�

�Colonel,� Hammond said sharply. �I already told you that I�m not going to just dismiss her point blank, but I�m just warning you that there�s the chance she won�t be able to serve on SG-1 anymore.�

Jack stood up. He sighed, then turned around and walked out of the room. Heading down to the infirmary, he stomped into Janet�s office. The doctor looked up.

�Anything I can do for you, Colonel?�

�Is there any news on Carter?�

Janet nodded. �Dr. McKenzie says she�s been showing great improvement. He says that she hasn�t been having any more visual hallucinations�� she smiled. �He also says that she seems a lot better each time you visit.�

Jack smiled faintly as well at that. �I should go see her tonight.�

�They�re thinking about letting her come back here.� Janet murmured. �It�s been over three weeks now.�

Jack nodded, and turned to leave.

�Jack?� It seemed so strange to hear Janet calling him by his first name. Even stranger than when Sam did it. Jack turned around. Janet looked at him seriously. �I never thanked you for what you�ve done for her.�

�I care about her.� Jack said. �A lot.�

Janet smiled. �I know. She needs someone to do that.�

�I�m better.� Sam hadn�t heard the girl in a long time, not since that night she tried to�best not to think of that. And when she was alone she no longer heard the whispering voices that had continued a few days after the girl had left. The sadness was still there, but Sam doubted that would go away anytime soon. �Right now my biggest worry is that they won�t let me be on SG-1 anymore.�

Jack sighed heavily. �I won�t let them do that.� He turned to look at her. �And you know why? Because we could search the entire galaxy and we wouldn�t find anyone that could hold a candle to you.�

�Thank you, Sir.� Sam whispered. She wondered vaguely how much longer she�d have to call him that.

�Hammond can�t dismiss you.� Jack said.

Sam nodded slightly, staring out the window. After a minute of silence she said, almost to herself, �I think I want to go talk to Pete.�

�Oh, fer cryin� out loud, why?� Jack�s voice was a little louder than he�d intended.

�I need to,� Sam turned to look at him. �I don�t know why, I just do.� She sighed. �Maybe to just show him what he�s done to me.�

�Do you want me to come with?�

�I was going to ask Daniel.� Sam said. �No offense, Sir, but you�re the last person he should see me with.�

Jack�s eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly. �What? Why?�

�He thought we were having some sort of�I don�t know�affair or something��

Jack gave Sam a questioning look.

�I guess he thought I talked about you too much, and maybe I did, but I didn�t mean�� her voice trailed off.

�Yeah.� Jack picked up, filling the awkward silence. �Kerry thought the same thing�That girl I was with�But, Carter, look, I�m sorry.�

�It�s not your fault, sir.�

�I know, but,� he stopped at the red light, and turned to look at Sam, �I care about you, a lot. I really do. You don�t know how hard this has been on me to see you like this.�

�I know you do,� Sam said quietly. �But�I can�t really talk about this right now.�

The door to Hammond's office opened and the general stepped out, trying to be as composed as ever. He walked over and sat at the head of the table.

He clasped his hands, and looked up at the team. �Major Carter,� he began, then stopped as his mouth went dry. He hated doing this. Hammond tried again. �Major Carter, I want you to know that I have fought on your behalf, because of your value to this program.�

�But�?� Jack said, his fingers clenching the edge of the table so hard his knuckles were white.

�But, regulations are regulations�� Hammond sighed, giving Sam an apologetic look. �I�m sorry, Major, but I�m being ordered by my superiors to discharge you.�

Sam didn�t react. She�d done so much reacting in the past weeks that she felt she had no energy left for this latest shock.

�No.� Jack said. He brought his hand up, then slammed it down on the table. �No I won�t let that happen!�

�Colonel, calm down!� Hammond snapped. �I�m not finished yet. Maj�� he corrected himself awkwardly. �Dr. Carter, as far as I�m concerned there wouldn�t be an SGC without you. As far as we�re all concerned, there wouldn�t be a planet earth without you. We all know how valuable you are to this program, and there�s no way in hell I�m getting rid of you completely. So you will continue your work as a scientist on base.�

�Thank you, sir.� Sam said quietly, looking down at the table. The fake wood pattern suddenly seemed very interesting.

�And�continue your research off-world.� A faint smile twitched the corner�s of Hammond�s mouth as Sam looked up in surprise. �Just don�t tell anyone at the Pentagon you�re still carrying a P90. As far as they know your purposes on SG-1 won�t be any different than those of Dr. Jackson.�

Jack looked immensely confused. �Wait�What?�

Hammond shrugged. �It�s all about what this looks like on paper.�

�Yeah, the thing is, Jack�Oma�s sayings are meant to provide insight into life�s greater mysteries.�

Sam stared at the bottle handed to her. It was cold and very inviting. �Thank you, sir.�

�Ah!�

��Jack.�

�Better.�

A few hours later they were all sufficiently drunk as follows; Jack was rambling on while Daniel listened intently and Sam sat sullenly on the couch. A short while more, and Daniel was fast asleep.

�C�mon, SamCarter,� Jack said in a ridiculous parody of Teal�c, who was sipping juice in an armchair. �Let�s go observe the stars.�

Sam took the hand that was offered to her and got to her feet, swaying as she and Jack stumbled out to the backyard. Jack flumped down on the grass and patted the ground next to him.

�We�re getting into a routine here,� Sam said quietly. �It rains, you save me, I feel better, we look at the stars.�

Jack chuckled. �Only thing is I didn�t save you enough this time.�

�I�m here, aren�t I?� Sam looked up at him. �I�ve got you to thank for that.�

�True.�

Sam knew they were both drunk. She knew neither of them were thinking straight, but Jack�s lips looked so inviting, and felt so soft and warm pressed against hers that she couldn�t help herself. And when she woke up the next morning with a splitting headache, streatched out on his guest bed, and found that she couldn�t remember exactly what happened last night it was okay, because the memory of that kiss stood out sharply in her mind, and always would.

Chapter 7: So Now I�ve Found Lucidity

The morning sun fell through leaves and then the curtains to cast a flickering golden pattern on the wall of the guest room. That was the first thing Sam noticed as she opened her eyes; that pattern on the wall, flickering and changing as the trees were blown about by the slight wind. Sam heard quiet laughter from the kitchen, the sounds of pots and pans being moved and the unmistakable deep rumble of Teal�c�s voice.

Looking down at herself Sam realized with some embarrassment that she was still fully dressed except for her shoes, and lay sprawled on top of the blankets. She had a vague memory of Jack helping her back in and then dumping her on the bed.

The door opened. �You awake?� Jack asked, grinning.

�Mhmm.� Sam sat up and stretched, then winced as pain shot through her head. �You got any aspirin?�

Jack chuckled. �Yeah sure ya betcha. But I�m sure one of my world famous omelets will do you just as much good.�

The smell of food wafted in and Sam heard her stomach rumbling. Jack leaned on the doorway, watching as she slowly got to her feet. Daniel and Teal�c were already sitting at the kitchen table with plates of food before them. Daniel looked even worse off then Sam felt. A bottle of aspirin sat in the middle of the table. Sam grabbed it and swallowed two of the small white pills.

Jack set a plate down in front of her then sat down himself. He raised a glass of orange juice. �Here�s to things going back to normal. Or at least as normal as they ever get.�

A pair of hands settled on her shoulders and she jumped.

�Easy, Sam,� Jack said quietly, giving her shoulders a squeeze. �It�s just me.� He peered down at the mess of electronics. �Whatcha doin�?�

Sam sighed and sat back, setting her tools aside. �I was trying to figure out what this thing was for.� She turned around and saw that Jack had changed out of his uniform. At the confused look on her face, Jack began laughing.

�I�m starting to see why geeks have trouble going on dates,� he said. �They get so wrapped up in their work they forget about them.� Jack sighed, shaking his head. �I�m supposed to take you out for dinner tonight, remember?�

�Oh, right!� Sam grinned and got to her feet. �Give me five minutes to change.� She hurried out of the room.

�They helping at all?�

Sam shrugged. �I don�t know if it�s me or the pills.�

�So who was she?� Jack rested his elbows on the table, leaning forward to look at Sam.

Sam frowned. �Who was who?�

�Whoever you kept throwing things at.�

�Oh,� Sam looked down, fidgeting nervously with her napkin. She made a face. �According to McKenzie she was �a projection of my inner turmoil� or some bull crap like that. �

�Ah, doctors,� Jack mocked. �Who needs em?�

Sam cracked a grin. �Daniel does. Well, just a certain doctor by the name of Janet Fraiser.�

�Oooh yes,� Jack leaned back in his chair. �See, those two I understand. Their minds work the same way; fast. Now, that Colonel O�Neill and Samantha Carter, those two I just don�t get. How can someone as smart and beautiful as her like someone as gosh-darn stupid as him?�

Sam rolled her eyes. �Jack, you�re not stupid.�

�No, just mentally challenged.�

Sam reached over to slap him on the arm.

�Ow! What was that for?�

�For dragging yourself down all the time!� Sam took a sip of soda from the glass in front of her. �You think they�d let you be the head of SG-1 if you were stupid?�

�Yes.� Jack replied, and was only saved from another playful slap as the waiter brought their check over.

Later that night they pulled up in front of Sam�s house, and Jack got out to walk her up to the front door. On the steps of the porch he stopped, awkwardly digging his hands into his pockets.

�It being our third date and all, aren�t you supposed to invite me in for coffee or something?�

�Hmmm,� Sam unlocked the door, then turned around to face Jack. �I don�t know about coffee, but the �or something� sounds rather appealing to me.�

Jack�s hands were on her shoulders the second the door shut behind them, he slipped her jacket off and then began kissing her slender neck. Sam turned, their lips connecting, their arms tangling around each other as she began to back up towards the living room.

Her foot caught on something and she tripped. They both crashed to the floor.

�Oh, shit, Sam, you ok?� Jack had managed to land on his side, not putting any weight on her.

Sam blinked up and him and laughed. �I�m fine. C�mere.� She pulled Jack over her, kissing him hard. One of his hands shot out to brace against the floor and his fingers touched a spot where the carpeting was slightly rougher. He pulled his lips away from Sam�s with a quiet smacking noise.

�Sam��

�What?�

It came flooding back to him, that night he�d opened the door to find her laying there, bleeding and bruised. Cold shot through his body. �Fuck,� he muttered.

Sam tried to turn her head to see what he was looking at. �What�s wrong?�

�I can�t do this, not here.�

Sam sat up and looked around. �Let's move then.�

Sam, her arms folded under her chin, turned and looked up at him, catching the misty eyed expression in his dark eyes. She smiled lightly. �What?�

Jack�s hand slid down to her side, pulling her body closer to his. �I feel like I�m dreaming,� he murmured.

�Really?� Sam reached up to brush her fiingers over his cheek. �I feel like I just finally woke up.�

Return Home

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws