"Jamie, I have grown."

OK, that must mean that his breast my have grown and he needs a new binder. This is all nice and hunky dory, sarcasm. I don’t know what I am going to do to keep him from cutting. I fear that will be what he wants to do. I feel for him. I wish I had the money so that he could get surgery, but I don’t so he won’t have to suffer. I sometimes wonder if he could get the surgery without doing hormones. I really wonder that.

"Tom dear, I don’t know what to say. I mean if anything that is common and I know you don’t like it, but you kind of have to put up with it. Let nature go its course. I would fix it for you if I could, but I don’t know how to."

I don’t mind him buying some more binders. We will have to budget them because they are not cheap, but he is getting new ones. I feel sorry for him because I know he liked where he was at and I know that he liked the binders that he had. He really did.

"Jamie, these binders cost so fucking much. How the hell are we going to be able to afford another 80 dollars for a couple of new binders, that if in my luck will only last 6 months, and then they will have to be replaced. I am not going to wear a bra, I just ain’t simple as that. I guess I am going to live in that hoody until I get another binder."

"Tom, have you tried wearing the binders"

"They hurt my body. I mean I ended up being swollen under my pits. I think my lymph nodes were swollen and they were painful. I don’t want to go back to wear them. They have made their point of being too tight and too small."

Now I am really worried about Tom. I am afraid that he will go into another crisis like did when he was debating his sexuality. I don’t think that he knows what gender is now. I think that he is confused.

"Tom . . . are you feeling weirdly because you don’t have a binder? Like do you think, you know. Should I keep an eye on you or do you think that you will be OK about? I will be frank with you and that is I am afraid that you will self destruct."

"Jamie, I don’t think I will self destruct, but I am concerned that I don’t know what my gender is. I have not paid attention to my breasts in such a long time that I don’t know what to think. I think I kind of liking them, but now I feel like a total gender fuck, you know? You know someone who plays with gender on purpose. Maybe I will buy a bra or something, nice and frilly."

"Tom you are starting to throw me off. Ugh what for me to think this is so crazy. I don’t know if I can handle this."

I really wonder if I can handle this. I love to go to drag shows. I love the kings, but seeing Tom dressing butch and packing at the same time wearing a bra that is going to throw me off. It is also going to be something else.

A day goes by and Tom comes up to me and starts talking,

"You know, I do want to go to the mall and get a bra. Like something from Victoria Secret which I will wear."

"OK, fine Tom. Are you sure you know what you are doing? I don’t care about the cost of it all, I just want to make sure that you know what you are doing. I don’t know if I can hold you up if you have a relapse or anything."

"I will be fine Jamie. If anything you can go with me and help pick it out. You have better taste in that department than I do. You have to agree with that. You proved it with that nightgown that you bought the other month. But then again you can have conservative tastes also."

Tom and I decide to go bra shopping on Saturday. I am anticipating it. I really don’t know what to expect. What if it turns out to be a total disaster and he starts flipping out. That won’t be cool what so ever I must say. I need to make sure that his meds are in line when we go. If they are not then there will be trouble it will be in the air. Poor Tom, he has everything against him sometimes.

It Saturday the day to go on the adventure and Tom is quite energetic, ready to go.

"Jamie hurry up, I really want to go before the crowds get there and you know how I hate crowds. I wonder about all of the things that they have in the store. You know that we could get matching ones. Would you like to do that?"

"I don’t really think that I want a matching bra Tom, that would be a bit kinky and I don’t want to get into that. Anyway, we are different sizes and styles and I don’t think that there would be a bra that would fit both of us."

I look at the expression on Tom’s face as he sighs and hints at the thought that it is going to get crowded and he does not want to have to deal with the crowds. I stare at him as I finish my breakfast. I will be ready sooner or later. I am only putting this trip off because I think or I wish that he would change his mind. I am not looking forward to this trip because I am afraid that it will back fire.

"Tom, I am ready if you are ready. And this better not back fire or I will snap and all hell will be let loose."

"Don’t worry Jamie, all will be fine. I know what I am doing, OK?"

We get to the mall and then start looking for the store. I hold my breath when we walk through the store’s door. What did I get myself into I ask myself? I think I made the stupidest mistake ever to let to go to Victoria Secrets to get a bra. Oh well we will see what happens. Hopefully it will all work out.

"Hey Jamie, over here. I found something that I like and that I know will fit me. Doesn’t it look prettY?"

"Ya, Tom it does look pretty, but it has an underwire and have you ever had to deal with an underwire? They can be painful, and this is coming from personal experience. But ya go ahead and try it on."

I hunt down a clerk to help size Tom up. This is kind of awkward because of the pronoun and name and I don’t think that they deal with people like us that often. But I find a nice woman who is our age and she gave me the sense that she was queer in one format or the other. Which is all good and well.

"I am Dawn, and I will help you size your bosom. Now do you have any idea what size cup you wear?"

"Well the last time I was fitted for a bra I was at a 46 DD. That is such a horrible size. I need to hunt to see if we have anything in that size. I say horrible because we usually don’t carry that size. We usually carry only up to D. Just let me see what is going on."

Dawn goes back into the back room and checks to see what exists. I don’t think Tom is going to have luck. I pray that he does, but I don’t think that he is going to.

"Jamie, I know this sounds weird, but I think your sense of me being out of my mind when it comes to getting a bra was correct. So if you don’t mind I would like to go home and just go online and buy a few more binders. I could always lose the weight. In my dreams though."

"Tom, I am glad that you are not having trouble with your gender anymore. I mean, you don’t mind going after a bra, and I know you didn’t get one, but it was because you could not find one right?"

"Yes, that is right Jamie. I just couldn’t find one and did not have the patience to deal with it. I will say that I am willing to wear one if I had too or whatever. That isn’t the issue. The issue is that I feel better wearing male clothes on a regular basis."

"So are you at peace Tom, with yourself?"

"Yes I am at peace and if you bought me a bra that fit I would wear it when I felt like it."

Tom heads off to the bedroom where he strips down to his boxers and his muscle shirt. I strip as well and get into bed for a siesta with Tom following.

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