Destruction = Re Birth

 

It is a rainy day.  Actually it has been a rainy year.  Christopher sprawls his body over one of the couch arms in his friend’s John’s basement.  He is comfortable in this position and is ready to talk.  Slowly his story about how he dealt with the early stages of recognizing himself being trans comes out of his mouth as well as how he achieved getting the top surgery. 

Christopher tells how he has always hated his body, “Go away, just go away and leave me alone body.”  He didn’t like his breasts nor his genitalia.  He wished he could piss standing up.  That would be the life that he wanted.  He always hated how his breasts flopped around.  He just didn’t want them to show up, or be seen at all.  Instead he always dreamed of chopping them off.

            But his body won’t listen to him.  It never does, or if it does it never complies.  The world itself doesn’t respect him.  They think he is a freak of nature.  A fucking piece of trash.  Why would he want to change his body it is just going to make it worse.  Maybe even freakier some might say.  This is what he has dealt with several years of his life or maybe forever. 

            Christopher has always thought he would have to keep his body unaltered.  His parents ostracized Christopher.  They tell him that he is ugly and unworthy.  The unworthy aspect he has always pondered.  He thinks that everyone deserves a body that suits them, but now he has learned differently.  That it isn’t a right, but a gift that has to be earned

 

He starts to explain his family dynamic and why he didn’t have money for the surgery.

            “My parents don’t understand.  They think that I am scum.  That it isn’t a big deal that I am trapped in the wrong body.  I guess they think that they can ignore me and I will go away.  They are also filthy rich and they would rather spend money on mink than on me.”  He tells Zoey his girlfriend. 

            Zoey, a kind compassionate woman who really cares for Christopher.  Zoey is very supportive of his adventures.  She really wants to see Christopher at peace.  But unfortunately she is not able to help.  This bothers her.  She will do anything to make his life better.  The problem is that she does not have the money to do so.  She feels that the only way this surgery is going to happen is if there is a miracle that occurs.

            Later Christopher and Zoey meet a man who becomes Christopher’s uncle.  Louis, a loving and excepting man who is gracious with Christopher.  He loves Christopher and takes him in as his nephew.  They can’t be separated because they are so tightly bonded. 

They meet at a support/social group meeting for trans folk.  It just happened that he gave Christopher a ride home and well they became friends instantly.  Christopher and Louis bond quickly and hard.  They are both keeping each other sane because of the commorodity that they have.  Zoey is happy that Christopher has a buddy.  Now he knows that he is not alone, but that there are other people out there to support him and his endeveours. 

            It is a hot sunny day and Christopher is trying to forget about the heat.  It has been too hot lately.  He also wishes that he didn’t have the topic of chest reconstruction surgery on his mind as well.  Louis and Christopher are talking when Louis didly dallying mentions something along the lines of surgery.  “Hey Christopher. . . are you serious about wanting that surgery?” Christopher does not have to think that long or hard to answer that question.

            “Fuck ya, I am!  I would kill to have it done.  But, knowing that I still have college loans to pay off, I mean it isn’t going to happen in my lifetime.”  Christopher has started to wake up from the deep intense day dreaming state.  A state where Christopher is just spaced and does not know what is going on.

            “Listen man, don’t be soo pessimistic.  Have you ever believed in magic?”  Louis said in a kind of humorous sense.  Louis is trying to make this concept lite even though it is a heavy thing to discuss and could come true.  It really could happen if Christopher pulled the right strings.

            “Oh so you think 8 grand is going to drop from the sky?  That just ain’t not going to happen, not in this day and age.  I am not being pessimistic.  Here.  I am speaking the truth.”  Christopher is trying to be real about the situation even though he knows that it could happen.  The dream and the idea that a miracle could happen is alive, but just barely in Christopher’s mind.

            “Have you thought about a breast reduction surgery?  Where if you worked it right you could end up having a chest?”  Louis inquired trying to find maybe a more realistic solution to the problem.  He realized that he should not have brought up the idea of surgery just now.  Not with the weather and how Christopher seemed to be.

            “I already looked into it, and it is like my insurance company doesn’t see it being a valid surgery.  You need to realize that they only do life/death surgeries.”  Christopher reminds Louis.  Louis is frustrated about this situation concerning Christopher and wanting to make him at peace with himself.

            “Why does this have to work this way?  It is not fair for him what so ever.”  Louis says to himself.

            Louis thought and pondered and asked himself, “Should I help Christopher out with acquiring the funds or not?”  Louis inherited a large sum from one of his relatives upon their death.  He used some it on himself and his surgeries and thought he might as well spread the cheer to another soul in need.    

            Louis later decides that he will help.  This is the beginning of what leads to Christopher’s happiness in life. 

It was rough when he only had binders to use.  He now has money and the least he could do is to end the misery that his nephew has been in for quite some time.  Louis has heard all of the stories that Christopher has told him about growing up.  Being confused because he went to an all girls’ school.  Not being able to hang out with guys because he didn’t know any, and knowing, if he did hang out with guys that he would have more fun.  But then Christopher did not know he would have fun.  He thought the same sex high school that he went to would be a good experience, not a life of hell.

            One morning while Christopher is conversing with Louis over coffee in the local Starbucks, Louis unexpectedly exclaims, “You are getting the surgery and I am paying for it!”

            “You are doing what and how?”  Christopher says in an overwhelmed voice.

            “I told you that I am paying for it, the surgery so you can have a man’s chest all your own.  I have a surgeon linedup and all that.  We will be doing it some time next month.”  Even Louis is excited when he tells Christopher about it.  It is as though it is just yesterday when Christopher came to him in a state of despair.

            “I am flabbergasted.  I don’t know what to say.  I mean thanks!”  That was all he could say.

            Zoey is listening to what Christopher is saying, ‘bout how Louis is going to pay for the surgery.  Zoey is thrilled.  She knows that her boyfriend will finally be at peace with himself.  Even if his parents think of him as scum.  He will be happy and that is what is important. 

            As the date of destruction approaches the more that Christopher gains peace with in himself, but he also gains a new level of anticipation mixed into fear.  He is afraid that the surgeon will lose one of his nipples, or both, that he dearly loves.   

            “What if this surgery does not result in a good fashion?  I mean there is always a chance to err.  Can I sue the surgeon?”  Christopher wonders.

            “I don’t think that that is going to happen.  Don’t worry so much.  The surgeon that I have picked for you has done hundreds of surgeries.  You just have to have her look to see which type of surgery that she is going to do.” Louis calms him down, remembering that it went smoothly or as smooth as it could for him.

 

            As the final days approached, Christopher puts stars on each day towards the day of destruction.

            “So Christopher, why do you put stars on each day towards the day of destruction instead of slashes or Xs?”  Zoey asks as Louis stares at the calendar.

            “Well,” Christopher says in a kind of philosophical voice, “The stars represent the Exodus.  You know, the concept of the Jews in the desert.  Well I consider this an Exodus.  This part of my history, you see.  It is a passage just like how the Jews traveled through the sun to find their freedom.”

            The last week before the surgery is nearing.  Christopher is really anxious.  More than he was before, but he still wants them chopped off as he puts it.  Then the day comes.  He is getting ready for the surgery and is almost ready to go to the clinic where it is to be done.  It is a day surgery and he does not have to go into the hospital, instead he is going into a clinic where they perform it without any problem.

            “I think I am ready you two.  I mean I have not eaten like I have been told and all that.  So here we go,” Christopher yells from the hallway where his bedroom is.

            “OK if you say so,” Louis hollers back in a sense of gladness.  He is happy that this is finally happening for Christopher.  It has been a long time in waiting.  He still remembers when he went through his, the fear and everything that goes with it.  But trans men and women, if they really are what they say they are, are able to get through it with no trouble.  Sometimes the men have to go in and have touchups, but they are usually done for free, by the surgeon.  That is what is cool about the situation.

            Christopher zips down the stairs.  “I ready and let us go before I go chicken.”

 

            The surgery that leads to the destruction of Christopher’s breasts has been completed.  Louis and Zoey are led into the room where Christopher is recovering.  Christopher is waking up, slowly but surely.  He really doesn’t know where he is, or the two of don’t think that he does.  He looks spaced when he opens up his eyes.

            “How do you feel darling?” Zoey asks in a sympathetic tongue.

            “Where am I?”  Christopher tries to say, but he has trouble because he is so doped up on the best that the clinic has to offer.

            “You remember you came in for the chest reconstruction surgery?”  Louis tries to rack Christopher’s brain but doesn’t have luck.

 

            The surgeon comes out. . .” Well it looks good, but today it is hard to tell because it needs time to heal.  And that will take a few months.  He can have a touch up done when it is healed if he wants one.”

            “Well I feel good hearing those words.”  Zoey says as she and Louis listen with attentiveness.

            “Also he will be in peace when it comes to the amount of pain that he is in because he has a pain pump in him,” The surgeon starts to explain.

            “What is a pain pump?”  Zoey asks in a puzzled voice.

            “What it is, is basically a pump that attached to a bag of medicine.  Pain medicine that is.  The pump has a tube that is inserted into the area where the injury is and. . . .”

            “He is going to fucking addicted.” Zoey interjects.  “OK!  He is not going to any such thing in him.”

            “Zoey, I had the same thing as other people, trans or non trans.  This is not a new thing that exists.  There is the same amount of a chance of becoming addicted on this than on oxicodone, OK?”  Louis says, trying to convince her that all will be safe.

            “May I continue?”  The surgeon asks in an annoying voice.  She is tired of every patient being concerned over this issue.  It is an issue, but does it have to be brought up every time that she does a surgery?

            The surgeon continues, “Anyway when the wound has healed I will take it out, or one of the surgeons closer to you will take it out.  It doesn’t have to be me.  It can be someone else.”

            Zoey starts to feel better about the after care.  Zoey does ask one question of the surgeon before he leaves the room, “Did you have any trouble keeping the nipples in place?”

            “They are fine Zoey.  You can tell Christopher that, well there might be less sensation in them because they were removed due to the type of surgery that was done, but they look prettier than before, trust me.”  The surgeon convinces Zoey that everything is alright. 

 

            They arrive home.  Christopher is gently removed from the car.  He is lain horizontally in the car in the back.  They ignore the seatbelt law because it is more comfortable to lay him sideways than to make him sit up in the seat.  He is still groggy when he comes home.  The meds really doped him up that afternoon.  Zoey hopes that they will wear off.  She still fears for the worse.  She has seen addiction and so she does not like pain meds.  They are not her friends.  But then again sometimes you do not have a choice and so you just have to deal with it.  This is one of the times when Zoey has to deal with it.

            Time passes and Christopher’s chest has partially healed, or let us says the swelling has gone down.  The sides or let us say the area below his armpits look normal.  They have gone in some and that meant that part of the healing process is done.  There could be touchup done if he wanted.  There are still scars that exist from the surgery.

            “When will they leave?  I mean, why did I get this surgery done if I am to have scars left over?” Christopher grumbles.

            “I had the same scars.  The will go away I promise, I really do.  If you like I will let you see mine for proof that they will disappear.” Louis says encouraging him that it will be fine in the end.

            “I actually wouldn’t mind seeing your chest.” Christopher says in a laid back manner.

            “Here it is, you don’t see any scars, and now do you?  I have had the chest for 3 years.  I don’t remember how long it took to have the scars healed and be history.” Louis shows his surgeons handy work and how it had healed so well.

            “That is beautiful.  I hope mine looks like yours when it has healed and the scars are bye bye.  I mean . . . I know that it won’t be the same exactly the same, but still in a beautiful state.”