As Time Goes By

This is just some of how I’ve felt since we lost Emily. These emotions are how I felt at different times since that horrible day. I’m hoping that with sharing these that it might help someone to know that they are not alone in how they feel.

Just how many things can go wrong? Believe me, I know it could be worse, but I’m not that strong. I feel like all my strength is gone. I thought I was doing well, when really I was right on the edge. I realize now that it doesn’t take much to push me over the edge. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this strong “front”. I just realized that that’s all it was. It was just a strong “front”. Deep down I was dying, but I pretended it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. I tried my hardest to act like everything was getting better, but really it wasn’t. I think I almost had myself convinced. But now I know I was wrong. I was never any better at all. I was just trying to hide it. Occasionally, I couldn’t hold it back anymore and I’d break down. I feel as though I’m going to break down right now and never recover. But I’m trying really hard not to. I don’t like to break down in front of people. I’m really afraid. I’m scared that if I break then I’ll never get fixed. I know that things will never be the same. I don’t expect them to. I don’t want them to. I’m afraid that I’ll just loose it and I won’t have any feelings for anything any more. The knowledge of knowing that I’ll never again find “true” happiness is pretty scary and sad just by itself. The only time I’ll ever be truly happy again will be when I die. And right now that doesn’t seem so bad. There I go, being selfish. How am I suppose to handle this? I really need to know. I can NOT do this. I am NOT that strong. Everyone who knows me, knows that I’ve never been that strong. So, why can’t they see that now? Why don’t they see past this front? Am I really that good at hiding it? Or do they not want to deal with me? It seems the harder I try to hold this back, the more it wants to come out. I’ll never win. It seems like it’s never going to be okay again. I’m not asking for good, just okay. And I can’t see that. I’m blinded by this pain to never return again. I know I can’t go back, and it feels like I can’t go forward. I am stuck. And I don’t have the strength to move on or start over. I want to give up. Life, death and everything in between has won. I’m lost, I’m gone, I’m NOT okay. My world is falling down around me. I try to hold one thing up and another falls. Now I feel as though I’m going to have to quit juggling.
Time later……
Starting another month without our precious baby girl. It just doesn’t seem possible. I hate how life just goes on without her! Why? I hate going to sleep each night knowing she won’t be sleeping on my chest, knowing I won’t be waking up every few hours to feed her and change her diaper. I hate waking up in the morning knowing she won’t be here. I have no baby to hold, feed, bathe, get dressed, love, sing to, talk to, take pictures of!!! She’s not here and it’s not fair!!! My days seem so empty without her. She always had my constant attention. I was always taking care of her. She NEEDS me! But most of all, I NEED her!!! I knew what I had, why did it have to be taken away?! I didn’t have to loose her to know how much I love her and need her and know how much she means to me. I am in SO much pain that I don’t know how to control it. It controls me. I don’t know how to do anything anymore. Everything I do reminds me of Emily. I miss her more than any words could ever explain. I, physically, yearn to hold her. I’m tired, my body aches, my emotions are raw, I’m dead. My heart is shattered and the pieces are lost, never to be found. I am no longer whole and will never be again. NOTHING will ever be the same. I’ve done a lot of soul searching but have not found a reason for this, though there must be one. NOTHING seems worthy enough. What could possibly be more important than a baby being with the ones who love her most? What lesson is learned by this and by whom? I have a lot to be grateful for, so why do I feel despair? Why do I feel as if I can’t go on? It’s so hard to see past my pain. I have so many questions and no answers. There’s no hope for future “happiness”. For I know, I’ll never again be “truly” happy. A part of me left with her. A part of me is empty, a part of me is filled with pain, a part of me is angry, a part of me is hopeless, and the largest part of me misses Emily more every day. With all that inside even when I smile or laugh, there is pain. That will always be there until I have her again. And until then, a part of my heart is with Emily. Shattered to become whole again with her.
Time….
So many times I asked “why”? So many times I questioned and blamed myself. If only this and If I had done that, etc… When I realized that even the answers would not bring her back. That still doesn’t stop me from wondering from time to time. She was so helpless. I am her mommy. I was suppose to take care of her and protect her, but I couldn’t.. That killed me. I felt even more helpless than she had been. Heaven seems so far and the time before I get there seems an eternity. How will I live that long without her and with this empty pain??? I could drown in all the tears I’ve cried. In fact, I could flood a town. I’ve found the worst part is the “missing”. And that will never go away. The pain doesn’t get less, you just learn to deal with it better. The feelings aren’t quite as raw as what they were. I have okay days now that I thought would never come. Mainly because I’ve been trying to look at it from another point of view. I realized that I’m not crying for Emily….I’m crying for me. She’s no longer in pain and will never know pain again…She’s happy and safe and free….It’s me that has to endure the hardship. I’m feeling sorry for myself. And I know that she wouldn’t want me to be in pain. If anything she wants me to learn from this. And so I have.
I’ve learned so much from her that I couldn’t possibly write it all down. But I can give you a glimpse. I’ve learned that it isn’t what happens to you in life that counts,,,,it’s how you handle it. The world is going to test you and you can always handle so much more than you think you can. That’s when the fact that days go by and life goes on helps you. You may be taking one breathe at a time, but the day goes by and then it’s another day. Day by day, you learn something whether you realize it or not. And those days add up and before you know it, you’ve made it through something else. Emily taught me to not look so far into the future and to not worry so much about what “might” happen. She taught me to enjoy and focus on today and any happiness that comes my way. I learned to be more out-spoken. Christmas was hard for me. New years wasn’t much better. But the fact is, I made it through them. I’ve learned that I can face my greatest fears and survive. Emily showed me that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I’ve learned to not take anyone for granted. If your life ended tomorrow, do you think your loved ones know how much you love them and always will and how much they mean to you? I’m trying everyday to make sure they do. I am a more considerate person and I want to help those I can. I learned to live each day for all it has to offer you and all you make of it. Some days will be harder than others, but one day, I will find peace. I’ve learned to feel what I’m feeling instead of trying to hold it in. I’ve learned that sometimes you need the help of others. I’ve learned that not every dream will have a happy ending. I've learned that every prayer may not be answered the way you wanted it to, but they are all answered. Some prayers take longer to get the answers to than others. And, yes, some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. (But not all of them) Sometimes, what we think what is best for us, might not be what's best for them. I have to think that God saved my child from a life of suffering. I’ve learned that love doesn’t end with death. I’ve learned that pain never really goes away. I’ve learned that Emily will always be in my life… She’s not physically with us anymore, but she is in my heart, she is a part of me, therefore I am a part of her. I still talk about her and share her pictures with others. I’ve learned to hold those weeks I had with her dear and to be grateful for the time that I had and not concentrate so hard on the time that she didn’t get, that I didn’t get with her. I’ve learned there’s some things that you never get over. I’ve learned what a True miracle life really is. Do you know what a miracle it is that there are healthy babies with nothing wrong with them? I do. I now know how many things can go wrong. Did you know that you are a miracle? Did you know that you are lucky to be here? I’ve learned that every person is special and there are so many that is blinded by pain that they can’t see what they have… I’ve learned what a smile or hug can do. I’ve learned that no matter how much you question something, it will not make things better. I’ve learned that life is not a race. I’ve learned how precious life is. I’ve learned what it means to have “treasures” in heaven. I’ve learned that things can always get worse and that it can happen to you. But I’ve also learned that things get better. I’ve learned that life is not fair, but it is what you make out of it. I’ve learned that though it’s almost impossible to see that things happen for a reason. It may not be a reason we can understand right now, but one day we will. I’ve learned to have faith and never give up. I’ve learned that there is always something to be grateful for if you search hard enough. I have learned that some things, I have no control over and I must leave that in God’s hands. I’ve learned that no one on Earth has all the answers and answers won’t always give you what you thought they would. I’ve learned not to get caught up in all the things that go wrong, but to look at what you still have. I’ve learned to look at what really matters now. I’ve learned that no matter how much I want to, I can’t change things that has already happened. I’ve learned that bad days come and some time that is just what you need. I’ve learned that a good cry and can help. I’ve learned that people are human and they make mistakes. Whether it is yourself or others you need to forgive. I’ve learned not to judge others. You never know what a person is going through, unless you’ve walked in their shoes. And even then, people are different. I’ve learned that when you pray for your child’s soul to keep, what that really means. I’ve learned the meanings behind so many things. I no longer fear death. And because I am no longer “innocent”, I am able to help others because I know how they feel. Emily also showed me just how much love I have to give. Emily taught me that time is not the most important thing. Emily was only here with me for Seven weeks, but she changed my life forever and changed me. Because of her, I see the world through different eyes. I’ve learned so much that I can’t write it all down…..
Time….
Around Halloween of 2001, I found out that I’m pregnant. If all goes well, we will have a new baby to love in early July, 2002. I have so many worries, but I’m trying really hard to give those to God. I hope that I use all I’ve learned with this baby. I miss Emily, I love her and always will. No one will ever take her place in my heart or in my life. There will always be a missing person between my kids, but both kids will always know that there is a “missing” person there. Emily is still a part of our family and always will be. Partly for her, I need to have hope for the future. I need to enjoy all the gifts I receive. I need to embrace life. My children will know that they are very special and that there is a very special angel watching over them. If a time comes in their lives that they feel like no one understands, then they can talk to her. They will always have a strong relationship with God. And they will know that Jesus lived and died so that they could be in heaven when their life on Earth is over. And they will always know that they have a sister waiting for them on the other side….