The Nomiess for Best Supporting Actress

• Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
• Catherine Keener, Capote
• Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain
• Amy Adams, Junebug
• Frances McDormand, North Country

Frances McDormand? Wow, I almost thought she died after Fargo! Well, maybe if playing famous dead guys wins an Oscar, bringing a career back from the dead will work too. It didn't work for John Travolta in Pulp Fiction though...thankfully. I'd say the same theory applies to Matt Dillon this year too, but he never had a career to begin with. I mean, he was in Wild Things, sure, but the stars of that film were clearly a bottle of champagne and Denise Richards' breasts. I'll rant more about him later though.

This category looks nothing like the star-studded lists of years past. I guess the Academy is punishing Hollywood execs for only pushing out crappy remakes, sequels or films based off obscure comic books, graphic novels, and video games and instead rewarding the indie scene. For once, I'm sending out a big "thank you" to all the folks at the Academy. Your fruit basket is in the mail. But, so help me, if I have to watch a Dukes of Hazzard 2 though, I'll still blame you. Watching Jessica Simpson is fun and all, but only on mute.

Well the buzz is squarely on Rachel Weisz, so I'll go with the popular opinion and pick her. Besides, there's no one else anyway.

Winner: Rachel Weisz.

The Nominees for Best Supporting Actor

• Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man
• George Clooney, Syriana
• Matt Dillon, Crash
• Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain
• William Hurt, A History of Violence

Quick, when was the last time you ever cared about Matt Dillon? Never? Exactly.

William Hurt, weren't you in that film for like five minutes? Well I see you went to the Jack Palance school of acting, huh? Paul Giamatti is, I dunno, mediocre at best. George Clooney? Sorry man, I want to like but, I'll NEVER forive you for Batman and Robin. And don't expect Jake to win because, well, we all saw The Day After Tommorrow. Which means, I hate to admit it, but I think Dillon will win this. And that will mean that he'll get more roles and I'll have to suffer through more of his films. Or maybe, just maybe, his film career will start to die off like it did to Jamie Foxx. Remember Stealth? Yeah, no one does because no one watched it. At least now he can hang out with Kanye West and pretend to be a musician. Whatever.

Anyway, I think Dillon will win it, because fate hates me and you can only have so much gay cowboy action.

Winner: Matt Dillon.

The Nominees for Best Actress

• Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
• Felicity Huffman, Transamerica
• Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents
• Charlize Theron, North Country
• Keira Knightley, Pride and Prejudice

Another category with no real star power. I'm pretty sure that Judi Dench has a permanent address inside the Kodak Theater. About the only roles she's had in the last several years that she didn't get nominated for is her stuff in the Bond series or that dreadfully bad Vin Diesel vehicle, Chronicles of Riddick. I'm pretty sure she's sleeping with someone in the Academy. But, just to make it less suspicious, she never seems to win. Oh well, it's an honour just getting nominated, right? That's what a loser would say. Me? I'm a winner. I say don't taunt me, shower me with the praise and adulation I truly deserve.

Theron doesn't deserve to win just because North Country is a film desperately trying to get Oscar recognition. It's practically screaming out "Nominate us! We want to get awards...and more money because we win awards!" Please! The truly great, such as myself, know that success isn't some intangible factor that is decided upon by some sort of group of voters...you earn it. Theron didn't earn it at all. And neither did Knightley because, you know, she sucks. I think Hollywood throws her in here to pretend like they are creating new stars or something (which is also why Weisz will win). Let's face it: Tom Cruise went off the deep end, Julia Roberts is annoying and taking somewhat of a hiatus anyway, Jack Nicholson and Robert DeNiro haven't been good in years, Harrison Ford is old, and when was the last time you saw a good Meryl Streep flick? Yeah, exactly. Basically, the designated hitters at the box office from years past have been in a slump. Hollywood needs new stars...badly. Just so you know Tinsel Town, I'm on call. Basically, this is all just a scam. When Knightley deserves an Oscar, I'll... I dunno, do something out of character for me. Lose? Intentionally throw a match? Sure, whatever. It won't happen anyway.

I'm giving it to Witherspoon because I think the Academy is already giving an award for a movie about gay lovers. Hollywood may be more liberal, but it's not THAT liberal that gay cowboys and a transsexual can win on the same night. I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!

Winner: Resse Witherspoon

The Nomiees for Best Actor

• Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
• Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line
• Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
• David Strathairn, Good Night, And Good Luck
• Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow

Well apparently THIS is the cream of the crop this year. Call me crazy, but this just seems sad. Where all the mainstays? Heath Ledger? I'm sorry, but you simply can't appear in 10 Things I Hate About You and pretend you have a career. Philip Seymour Hoffman? Who are you again? Terrence Howard? The day a guy playing a pimp wins an Oscar is the day Ike Turner wins a Lifetime Achievement Award.

Well normally I'd say it's a safe bet to just play a quasi-famous dead guy and start writing your acceptance speech, but I guess after Jamie Foxx in Ray, everyone decided to play that card. This is what happens in life - people steal your idea and try to ride your coattails to their own success. Trust me, I know all about it (I'm looking at you PSI). Well, I think if Cash's death had been closer to the release of the film (a la Ray) then people would care more and Phoenix would be a lock. Besides, didn't it seem like Jonny Cash was dead like five years before he actually died? I mean, talk about Walk(ing) the Line between life and death! The dude looked like he was slowly getting himself embalmbed for the last few years of his life. I guess I'll give it to Hoffman, just because I want to see Dustin Hoffman get up and thank everyone for the success of Meet the Fockers by mistake. That would amuse me.

Winner: Philip Seymour Hoffman

The Nominees for Best Director

• Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
• George Clooney, Good Night, And Good Luck
• Paul Haggis, Crash
• Steven Spielberg, Munich
• Bennett Miller, Capote

What the hell? George Clooney again? Sorry, I don't care how good his film is (and it is decent) because, well...Batman. So I won't give him the win. Miller and Haggis probably don't have a chance because they're nobodies. People like well-established stars, like myself, THE Canadian Legend and The One and Only UBERstar! That's right, Haggis, I said I was the Canadian Legend, not you. Seriously though, have you ever heard of them before? Quick, how many Oscar nominations do each of them have? Yeah, that's right - just this one. If Judi Dench has a permanent address in the Kodak Theater (and she does) then Spielberg must be her next-door neighbour. The dude seems to get nominated for just about anything he does. At least he has a better shot at winning each time than, say, Martin Scorsese and his giant eyebrows. Part of me wants to believe in Munich just because Spielberg has won like 3,247 times before. But deep down I know that it won't happen like that. Stevie is over the hill and no one really cares anymore. Did you see War of the Worlds? It's a far cry from Jaws or ET, isn't it? This just proves that sometimes a precadent means nothing. Now if The Boy were up for an Oscar, well forget about it! It wouldn't even be a contest! I succeed in anything and everything I do! So I guess Ang Lee has to win it (even though The Hulk was the film equivalent of a Stupac match). Besides, he seems to be the favourite anyway.

Winner: Ang Lee

The Nominees for Best Picture

• Brokeback Mountain
• Crash
• Good Night, And Good Luck
• Capote
• Munich

Evidently, one-word titles is the in-thing this year. None of these films were all that great. What can I say? Hollywood REALLY needs my star power. Sadly, I have yet to make a film, but that's Hollywood's loss. Trust me.

Racism or gay cowboys? You know what? I'd rather see a film about racist, gay cowboys. Maybe then if you combined the two films then perhaps you'd get something half-decent. Seriously, why is a movie that features Matt Dillon, Brendan Fraser, Ludacris, and (easily the most offensive of the lot) Sandra freakin' Bullock even considered good? I think I'm going to go with Brokeback Mountain, just because of my inherent hatred of Sandra Bullock. We also can't forgive Stevie for his sins from the past year.

Winner: Brokeback Mountain

Well, it's the technical end of another film season and the awards are about to be handed out. Great...let's just hope that next year is better than the last. Probably not, but we can hope, right?

Until next time, the balcony is closed, but the squared circle is always open for business (enter if you dare!).