Let me start off by saying that there's no truth to the rumor that ostriches have surreptitiously been increasing the width of their wing span. It's really a lie propagated by those who stand to benefit the most. Underwear manufacturers. “Underwear manufacturers?” you ask, “Those tiny little undernourished children chained in dungeons and ramshackle warehouses in Peru and India?” Yes, indeed. Underwear manufacturers. And they knew that sooner or later the truth would be revealed, so now they go about as insurance salesmen. Who knew? Only ostriches who, with their heads in the sand, had a better idea than anyone about what those damn underwear manufacturers were up to. And, if underwear manufacturers can transform into insurance salesmen, then ostriches – or so they thought – can increase the width of their wing span. But they're wrong. They can't. And so I thought I'd do you a favor and tell you that it's all just a rumor.