Ooh, here's two new magazines. Zoo and Nuts. Wow, what wacky names, they sure are wacky. I can't say I'm overly convinced I should part with my hard-earned cash just for these two wankrags though. I spend eight hours a day stuck in an office doing a job I have no passion for just to make a terrible salary, so is it really worth me parting with my lolly? If only there was some sort of clincher, something that would seal the deal for me. Ah, here comes another man. I associate with him as he also wears a designer name polo shirt and faded jeans. Oh, he nods at me. I shall nod back, ensuring that my hands and torso don't make any movement whatsoever, rendering it nothing but a casual nod of the head, with no further effort on my part. Don't I look suave? I see that he is reaching for the magazine shelf, I shall avert my eyes in such a fashion that I can still see what he chooses out of the corner of my eye. I don't want to appear mindless or nosey, but at the same time I would very much like to see what a fellow male is interested in. AHH! Bingo! He reaches for Nuts! I shall reach out for a copy of Zoo, to show him that I too like boobies. I am like-minded. A look sidewards and a nod in his direction as I reach for it shall signify I have taken note of the connection we share.
He responds. Good. This makes me feel like I'm in touch with the typical male of today's generation. I see the tagline in my copy of Zoo: Sex, sport and stupidity. Well, that's it then, I have to buy it now, for what else does the modern male live for but women, football and madness. God, if it was something interesting like politics or world events, then I'd grow tired of it and would be less than likely to purchase it every week. But if I'm guaranteed mindless drivel on a weekly basis, then what possible reason could there be not to buy it?
Later, at home, after making his purchase, he goes online to the Zoo Weekly website:
I've had a look through this magazine, and there's articles in it. As I'm fearful of words, I now have my doubts about my purchase. I need re-assurance that this is for me. Against the internet, it seems to fare poorly, where I can get porn for free without words serving as an obstruction and/or distraction. My, what a puzzler. Let's see what the website has to say about the magazine.
"A staple diet of girls, football and funny stuff makes it a weekly bible for essential pub ammo and the UK's favourite men's weekly."
Ha, brilliant. I shall overlook the use of "staple diet", clearly nothing more than a poor device used to suggest that their product is as essential to me as nutritional food intake. Although a cheap and poorly used marketing strategy, I'll ignore its shoddyness in favour of word's that appeal to my manliness, like "girls" and "football". I'll also ignore the concept of a "weekly bible", nothing more than crappy marketing buzz words, in favour of "essential pub ammo". The mention of pub makes me feel secure, safe in the knowledge that the men of Britain as a whole can be pigeon-holed with the badge of alcoholism, just like me. Hey, I'm a guy! I have a willy! I drink beer! Hahaha, don't ask me for intelligible conversation, I'm too busy getting pissed!
Sigh, it's a pity I don't have a brain I could put into gear. I may find such things as politics, poetry, romance, science fiction, documentaries, the news, nature, films that aren't widely publicised, art, or something similarly interesting and relevant to today's society. But I just can't think straight! I mean, that's effort, and as it is I've already got up, put on clothes, and brushed my teeth, all before it's 9AM! Actually finding hobbies of my own may lead to feeling fatigued and drained, what with all the effort it would involve! I mean, who needs the library when I have a well-dressed, Ferrari-driving corp exec at Emap to tell me what to do! If it wasn't for my weekly intake of tits and ass, I don't know what I'd do! My girlfriend nearly confiscated it the other week, but I fobbed her off with the old "It's not porn, it has articles in it" excuse, and she actually bought it! I'd just go to pieces without it. I don't even care that it's bigoted towards the large percentage of Britain that's homosexual and look for something other than Jordan's melons in their face, because it's a lads magazine. As far as I'm concerned, poofs aren't lads. Because guess what? I'm also homophobic too!