To avoid being robbed by a hippy, tie your money to a bar of soap.
Never enjoy your shower by facing the shower-head, closing your eyes and smiling, especially if you have a shower curtain through which you can see the silhouette of your body. This will add to the dramatic effect of the scene and you will inevitably end up murdered.
If you ever find yourself battling to stay alive on a snow-covered mountain, alone, never resort to eating yellow snow.
Next time you're on fire, do not look in the mirror. It will only make you panic.
Don't have swordfights in a lightning storm. There are no winners or losers here; only sizzling corpses.
Fool your friends into thinking you are insane by inviting them round for dinner and greet them at the door naked with 'HELP ME' cut into your chest with a razor blade, eating shit out of an ice-cream container. Watch them laugh as you reveal it was a joke.
Designers of internet porn sites. Ease congestion of the world wide web and decrease downloading time by putting the pictures upside down with the minge at the top.
Make people think that you have your very own RoboCop by walking a few yards behind a real policeman on the beat, pointing a remotre control at his back. Twiddle the knobs every time he turns a corner or scratches himself.
Convince neighbours opposite that you have a PC in your front room by staring into the corner of the room whilst tapping on an oblong piece of wood, pausing occasionally to masturbate furiously.
If you plan to visit a safari park any time soon, prevent monkeys from climbing all over the car by gluing broken glass all over the roof and bonnet.
Bookies, increase your profits by not giving customers 'clues' in the form of odds as to which horse will win the race.
Save wasted trips to the swimming baths by ringing them up to ask if there is any bikini-clad talent in the pool before you set off.
Can't remember the artist or title of a song stuck in your head? Simply record the song and wait to be sued for breach of copyright. The information you need will be on the writ.
Whilst having your morning shit, take a piece of loo paper, clean your glasses, then wipe your arse. Two uses for the one sheet of paper! Note that it must be done in this order.
If you're thinking of drinking and driving this Christmas then don't.......forget to fasten your seatbelt. A pedestrian struck at 60mph will come through your windscreen with as much force as a baby elephant.
Managers at 24/7 gas stations, why not hire an aged deaf fuck-wit as your night-time attendant then fit soundproof glass to the serving hatch. This will ensure that all your customers will get a six pack of soft toilet tissue and a Reader's Digest instead of the King Size Marlboro that they bloody well asked for in the first place.
Avoid the expense of commissioning expensive portraits of your family by simply popping in to the local police station and saying that you've been mugged. When asked for details of the mugger, describe a loved one in great detail to the sketch artist then ask if you can keep a copy.
Spread the cost of an expensive monthly bus pass by paying individually for each journey.
Having to read subtitles can be irritating when watching a foreign film. Earn brownie points in the cinema by reading the subtitles aloud for others.
Pretend you're on the Jerry Springer show by sitting in your dentist's waiting room and punching the first person who comes through the door.
Make your own smokey bacon crisps by slicing the soles from an old pair of slippers and frying them with the contents of an old ashtray.
Don't befriend a midget with learning difficulties; it's not big and it's not clever.