Well I'm fed up with it. These people should start dieting on their own shit.
No, I dont want a new conservatory, thanks. My bathroom could not be improved, it's perfectly fine the way it is. Double-glazed windows? Piss off.
Time to get rid of these marketing wankers. I've created a few typical conversations, and I've shown in white what your reply should be.
Me: Hello?
Bitch: Hi, is that Mr. whoever?
Me: No this is his son...who's calling?
Bitch: It's Diane from 'The Windows Company'. Can I speak to your dad?
Me: No
Bitch: Oh, okay. When is he likely to be home?
Me: Oh, he's here. I'm just not letting you speak to him. Get fucked you cunt-rag.
Me: Hello...
Twat: Hi! This is Andrew from 'Kitchen Tiles plc'. I'm not trying to sell you anything, we'd just like to ask you a few questions.
Me: Okay, can I just ask you a few questions first?
Twat: Yes, of course sir.
Me: What did you say your name was again?
Twat: Andrew...
Me: Okay. What age are you Andrew?
Twat: I'm afraid I'm not allowed to disclose that information, sir.
Me: What size is your dick?
Twat: Sir, I don't think...
Me: Your wife...is she a bit of a go-er? Does she go? You know. Does she go? Does she like photography? I bet she does, I bet she does! (and so on with dirty comments until they hang up)
(pick up phone and remain silent)
Arse: ...Hello?
Me: Meepmeep [like road runner from the cartoon]
Arse: Hello, is that Mister...
Me: Meepmeep
Arse: ...Hello?!
Me: MEEPMEEP
(continue so forth)
Me: Hello...
Wanker: Hi there, this is...
Me [before they can finish]: Oh thank christ it's you Kevin, I've been worried sick, where the hell have you been? Did you get your hands on the stuff? The gang has been on my tail all week about the drugs....
(remain silent)
Jobby: Hello?
Me: Oh, oh, UHHHH, ahahah yeah baby YEAH! Oh thats it, there, huh huh, oooooooo (continue to make sexual noises)
Me: Hello.
Prick: Hello, this is James from 'Couches R Us', I'm wondering if you would like to discuss purchasing one of our fine products?
Me: Yes, that sounds good.
Prick: Great! Okay, well, all our couches are hand made specials. They maintain a Moroccan feel and look, yet they are sized to suit the British home owner. our products come with a three year guarantee....
Me [out of tune]: HEY HEY WE'RE THE MONKEES AND PEOPLE SAY WE MONKEY AROUND! BUT WE'RE TOO BUSY SINGIN' TO PUT ANYBODY DOWN!
Me: Hello?
Idiot: Hi there, I was wondering if I could ask you a few quick questions?
Me: Rurf, rurf.
Idiot: Pardon?
Me: Woof.
Idiot: Hello, is anyone there..?
Me: Meeeow.....moo moo, baaahhhh!! Woof woof!
Me: Hello?
Loser: Hi, this is Avril from 'Land of Lino', can I interest you in...
(while they continue to talk, indicate to a pal/sibling to pick up another house phone)
Third person: Ooooooooooo, aaaaaaaaaaaa, tick tock tick tock tick tock...
Me: What the fuck? Is that you? Who the fuck is this? Is this some sort of joke?
Loser: No, I'm not sure what's going on, sir....
Third person [putting on a Jamaican accent]: Yah mon, anybodiee want to stroke my penis, ya dig?
Me: How dare you? I'm reporting this to the police!
(slam down phone)