I can only rank this film alongside Titanic and Van Helsing. There, I said it. It is actually so bad that I'm mentioning it in the same breath as Titanic.
Shit. Awful. Terrible. Abominable. Deplorable. Depressing. Atrocious. Dire. Makes-you-want-to-gouge-out-your-own-eyes.
None of these describe how bad this film was. Actually, that last one isn't far off. It also makes you want to eat the fecal matter of a dog, purely in the hope that you'll pass out and miss the remainder of the film. But that's not important right now.
What is important is that anyone who has so far survived the horror that is watching Pitch Black needs to be warned of its shittyness, just in case someone tries to rope them into giving it a try. Be warned, this film is on a par with suicide.
Okay, my first gripe with this 'film' - for lack of a better word - was Vin Diesel's 'acting' - for lack of a better word. I had been told that his acting wasn't wooden in Pitch Black. After seeing some of his other films, I was so worried that this would be the case. I asked people who I trusted, and they assured me that his acting was much better in this. Needless to say I have severed all relationships and communications with said trusted people.
Diesel played Riddick, your average meathead/murderer/rebel/loose cannon/outlaw character. A generic Hollywood schmoe, Riddick was a convict, whom the crew of a crashed ship had agreed to free on the condition that he helped them escape the strange, hostile planet. He sulks around like a bitch on her period, acting tough and spinning cheesy one-liners.
Captain: Hey, Riddick, got the time mate?
Riddick: Like the setting of a sun above the sands of a lonely beach, or like the chilling winds of my home planet, seize the moment of the present. I've seen things no one can imagine, terrible things, beautiful things. I've been beaten black and blue inside a dark and horrible cell. I've watched the eggs of a robin red-breast hatch on a fresh summer morning. Beauty fades within an instant. Forget time, and live for now.
Captain: Jesus, I only asked for the fucking time, man. Sorry to fucking bother you. Moron.
Riddick: Your words pierce me like an arrow, plucked ripe from the quiver and shot sweetly from the crossbow of a prison guard. That alien may have killed Johns, but you kill me inside, with your heartless name-calling. I weep for you.
Boo fucking hoo, so he did some time in jail. He's a murderer! What did he fucking expect? Pats on the back and a gold plaque? I don't give a shit that he had corrective eye surgery so he could see in the darkness of a prison cell. Why the hell should I care? He murdered people. News flash, dickwad: killing people doesn't do you any favours. We don't have a justice system for nothing. If jail toughened you, then you bloody well deserved it. I feel no sympathy for this Riddick asshole whatsoever.
At the end of the film, you're actually expected to care that he has a shred of goodness in him. He carries the required power cells back to the ship in order to get off the planet, but before doing so goes back to rescue the remaining survivors. What an asshole. If I'd carried four heavy power cells by myself through hazardous wastelands and torrential rain, while being chased by aliens, I'd have arranged the empty seats on the ship in such a way I could put my feet up, and bugger off without a thought. Why the hell should he go back for a few useless losers who have contributed nothing to the quest? I sure as hell wouldn't, especially if I was an escaped convict with such strength and manliness that I could dislocate my own shoulders to free myself from chains.
A hard-nosed murderer suddenly realises the good in people, and jeopardises his chances of safety just to show his sensitive side? Sure, dream on.
If only they had a really cool actor playing this weak character, I may have liked him. But they had to choose good old wooden-as-a-door Vin Diesel. What the fuck kind of asshole name is that anyway, Vin Diesel? I bet his mother named him after a flower at birth, so he gave himself a new tough name and started lifting weights. You would too, if you got picked on at school for having a wussy name. I can't think of anything cooler than naming yourself after an oil-derived fuel. Nicely done, you score maximum loser points.
So, how much did this film want to be Alien? I score it 7/10 on the trying-to-be-like-Alien scale. I would give it full points, but the other three points were spent trying to be like Sphere. Man, this film just wanted to be every good sci-fi film, and instead just ended up recycling typical science fiction bullshit. The writing was just lazy. I can only imagine the plot was conceived by people that still use crayons and think it's okay to bite people that steal play-time snacks.
A planet with three suns and a neighbouring planet, and yet they orbit in the gravitational pull of this one planet? Sure, whatever. Anyone with even a hint of space knowledge knows that the mass of four such planets would be far too much for this to be the case. Gravitational pull is directly related to mass, so the planet would undoubtedly be in orbit of one of the surrounding planets, not the other way around.
And the chances of three suns and a planet alligning in such a way that an ecllipse would occur? It isn't impossible, but it sure as hell wouldn't happen every twenty-two years. I'll chop off my own dick if you can present me with evidence to suggest otherwise.
These weren't the only inconsistencies and goofs. There were plenty. The neighbouring planet having two such rings, not alligned with each other? Impossible. A planet's ring always forms parallel to the equator, due to the rotation of the planet. This is basic stuff. I'm sure science geeks could list a whole bunch of other problems with the film.
But for those with little scientific knowledge, there were glaring mistakes a-plenty, and it sure as hell kept me entertained. There's three suns, one day of darkness in every twenty-two years, but what's that you say? A race evolves that can only survive in darkness? With no other surviving life-forms and therefore no source of food other than the odd ship of idiots that crash in every twenty years or so? WELL THAT MAKES SENSE!
Oh, shit, it doesn't. And just when you learn that they evolved underground and you think it makes sense...WE'RE NOT FINISHED BULLSHITTING YOU YET!...because guess what? These assholes can fly! Wow, that sure is impossible! I'm actually impressed at the impossibility of this!
So, to writer/director David Twohy I say this...welcome to Yawnsville, population: You. Seriously, well done on making quite possibly the most boring and shitty films I have ever seen. It takes real stupidity to make a film this bad, and boy, do you have stupidity in abundance. I salute you, sir.
If generic, recycled, unimaginative, unoriginal, crap science-fiction (with no basis in scientific facts, but plenty of basis in fictitious nonsense) is your thing, then check out this movie. It came so highly recommended to me. Everyone I spoke to said they loved this movie. I guess they're all retarded, then. I'm an expert at spotting shitty movies, and my bullshit-o-meter was going off throughout this movie.
Or, if you really want to see a film with such riveting characters as a smug, pretentious, morphine-addicted deadbeat of an asshole that can't decide whether he wants to live, die, betray the crew, or move to Texas and open his own horse ranch; a hardened, loose-cannon murderer with a sensitive side that talks at length about how tough he is but has to wear sunglasses to protect his eyes; an obnoxious and irritating 'boy' that actually turns out to be a girl in a bizarre plot twist that has no relevance or bearing on the story; and a pain-in-the-ass father that loses his sons, slips between tongues, and generally does nothing but talk about God incessantly - then Pitch Black is the one for you. But if you like movies that don't suck, then I strongly advise you not to check this out.
If you do decide to watch it and end up hating it, don't say I didn't warn you. I mean, there's hope, and a small, tiny chance that you will like it. Right up until they kill off the lead character right at the end. Then you'll really hate yourself for ignoring my advice.
Oh, and to all those that recommended this film to me, I invite you to join me at the dinner table for a meal. I'm afraid all that's on the menu is untimely death. I guess that's what you deserve for being so mentally vapid that you enjoyed this film.