The bratts that currently belonged to the magazine aisle were in a demanding mood, and if they didn't receive immediate delivery of the comic that they desired they would kick, claw and occasionally bitchslap their parents, screaming bloody murder whilst doing so. As this chaos continued around me, I tried my hardest to tune out. But when one of the prepubescent tossers nearly ran over my left foot, I finally lost it. I set Bob, my crazed rubber duck, onto them...quacking his little head off, he flew at the bastard and pecked his eyes until he was blind - a bloodied mess. Needless to say, he ran off screaming to report this to his mother. I commented to Bob, that they just don't make 'em like they used to; what's the world coming to when a duck can't peck out a child's eyeballs without getting told on?
Which brings me to my next problem with these damned youngsters - they are either completely over-the-top and grinning with glee, or they are crying their head off. When they are the latter, nothing in the universe will shut them up, other than maybe a bitchslap upside the head. When happy, they run around, kick and scream and generally cause migraines. I am forgiving though. So, here are my guidelines which children must at all times adhere to. If they do so, I promise not to pluck their teeth out one by one.
When within a mile radius of me, do not do any of the following:
-kick your parents, your friend, your neighbour, your pet or even yourself for that matter.
-scream, shout or raise your voice at all. Better yet, don't speak.
-look at me.
-cry. Or if you already are crying, stop it. No, seriously, knock it off will you?!
-splash in puddles.
-laugh.
-run. Just walk at a normal pace, which for children should involve small, careful steps.
-breathe.
Failure to comply with these rules will, as above stated, result in loss of teeth. And I may also feel the urge to claw your heart out and eat it. Oh, and I can change the rules at any time with no notice. Okay? Good.
