1 - The phrase "He died happy."
Yes, I'll bet he was real fucking stoked about it. Speaking of which, I had a stroke last week. It felt marvellous. I'm praying if that I can increse my salt intake, I'll have a heart attack before I'm 25. Dumbass.
This is a bullshit trend that every girl goes through. Not specifically Connery, but old actors in general. I'm by no means ageist (okay, I am. I hope all people of pension age die soon and make way for the new generation). I believe that age has no relevance in a relationship, as I've seen couples that are very happy despite an age gap. But obviously no-one actually fancies these has-been actors - it's just something girls do to try and appear slightly 'cookie'. Stupid bitches. Why would anyone in the 16-30 age group be sexually attracted to some balding, wrinkled old twat that has made a handful of decent films since the original Bond's? It really isn't cool.
In a way, I can see the attraction to all the hairy, pretty-boys like Johnny Depp. What with his smouldering good looks. Yummy. But there isn't anything sexually appealing about some old man with grey pubes. If someone tells you that they want to give Michael Douglas a good lipsticking, then they're lying. Use your fingers to attack their eyes in a V-shaped gouging motion.
3 - Generally uttered by the people that use "LOL" and "ROFL" on the internet, the next phrase that annoys me is "If I had one wish, I'd wish for unlimited wishes!"
Yup, that's real clever, bitch. For that, you get none. Go play with matches.
4 - "People you love to hate."
One of the most annoying phrases in use. It's meant to be sassy because it's oxymoronical, but it's about as clever as a needle in the eye. You can't love hating someone, because if you truly hate someone then you can't tolerate their presence and their every trait gets under your skin. Nothing endears you to someone you hate, so this is just a crap phrase for idiots to use when they want to seem cool in front of other idiots.
Have you ever actually heard someone admit that they love to hate someone? Exactly. What about "People you love to picture cutting up with serrated steak knives?" Yeah, that's better.
5 - "Sell-outs" or "Radio-friendly"
A notion in the music industry perptuated purely by jackasses. These people think that they're alternative to the alternative. The first level of being alternative is listening to generic nu-metal like Linkin Park and Slipknot. Then people become deluded and believe that they've developed a brain. This is stage two of being alternative. While they probably think they're 'thinking outside the box', I've actually sussed that they're morons.
Hang around with any of these losers, soon enough they'll tell you that bands like Slipknot are ruining the industry, with radio-friendly metal songs. Oh, and about how Linkin Park have 'sold out'. Slap these people. Really hard. Not in the way that leaves them saying, "Ow, what was that for?", but the kind that borders on causing internal bleeding.
These idiots think they're so cool, with their underground bands. Oh, you're so wonderful because you abhor the radio. How can a song be radio-friendly? That's just stupid, you can't control what the radio plays. The DJs select their own playlists, according to what their listeners are likely to want.
Nex they'll tell you about how most alternative rock bands are in it for the money. Yeah? Nobody cares, Hitler. Seriously, stop pushing your views onto other people. These musicians have careers, and they're not here to please you. They're out to make money. Any band that tells you they aren't is clearly lying to appear underground. Secretly, it's just because they're so shit they can't break out of the pub scene, and they have no money to prove the accusations right. Once they have money, they'll become positively overground. Ha, see what I did there?
I tried to explain all this to some dork I knew at school. After years of no contact, he actually thought we could pick up where we left off and that I was still his friend. So first, I put the record straight on that. Twat.
Then we got into a debate about how Blink-182 had sold out, and how his underground bands were inherently better. I don't even particularly care about Blink-182, it was just fun to argue with him. I swear at one point he nearly started crying. It's hard to tell with these underground scene kids, they all look so depressed 24/7 anyway.
So I try to explain that he's buying into what the record labels want him to think, but he was just too dumb to comprehend. Half way through the conversation, he just stopped listening and started trying to eat his own fist. Probably.
I pointed out that these stupid "radio-friendly" and "sell out" terms he was throwing at me were created by the same industry that gave us "pop sensation" and "rap superstar". It's all just a cycle of consume, consume, consume, with various bands marketed in such a way that they seem opposed to other genres and trends, yet they're all on the same record labels. The industry moguls have seen through his transparent attempt at being uncool, and they've coined this crap to trick him into believing that he's something special. Any magazine that talks about selling out is just trying to keep you buying and consuming. Perhaps it's merely coincidental that such magazines are made by huge international publishers, sitting alongside shit such as Smash Hits, the very genre you're criticising?
On some level I do sympathize with him. He's probably just insecure as a result of being raised by an alcoholic lesbian and an adolescence spent sharing a bed with his younger brother who was a chronic bed-wetter. He could of course just be a jerk.
But seriously, there's millions of these assholes. Am I really supposed to care that Linkin Park signed up to a huge record label? Guess what? I don't. What I do care about is the fact that they're regurgitating old riffs and chord progressions, penning meaningless lyrics for the oh-my-life's-so-tragic teenage idiots, and tapping into the then-fresh style of early 90s innovators such as Rage Against The Machine, Faith No More and Korn, effectively scrapping the genre into something repetitive and crummy. So what if they signed to a major? How else are they going to sell records? They're in it for money, because if they don't make music then they'll have to choose another career. Everyone has to make a living somehow, and no matter what your living is, you strive to make the most of it.
When bands start handing you their albums for free, then you can believe that they're not in it for the money. Until then, kill yourself.
