JULY 2002

July 11
Had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt that I had a little black baby boy and he was in hispital. I never felt as bad as I did in that dream (emotionally). I wanted to die. The next thing he walks out of the room and it was the greatest feeling. I just grabbed him and wouldn't let go. I was just so happy and couldn't stop crying. It was the happiest I ever felt.

July 13
Dreamt last night that Mark (M's father)rang me. He started with "You said you'd ring me once I got over $16,000. I've got almost $17,000. What are you going to do now, take $2,000?" I was cut but replied: "I said I'd ring you and I haven't. So obviously I don't want the money." He was confused and felt as though he had done something wrong. He retaliated by telling me that he heard that I was going to lose custody because I'm alone. So I started up this rant: "What, because I'm a single mother? It's not okay to be a single mother? For your information I'm doing better than I ever had before. I've passed all my classes for the first time ever. My house is relativly clean (such a lie! And Kate looked at me like I was insane). And I want to be alive. So with that I hung up on him.

July 15
Dreamt that there was a giant shark and it swallowed a woman whole, but it only did that to show her 'the truth'.

July 21
I was a guest at Nicole and John's wedding (in real life they have two kids but there would be plenty of objections if they decided to get married). We were all waiting around for Nicole to turn up. Next thing we know is she walks in wearing a really nice blue sarong and only the top half of her dress. She stood there and said that the wedding was off. Everyone was in shock but we just walked out. I talked to Nicole and said that I was really disappointed because I was just starting to like John. Next thing I know I am sitting outside of the B- bakery with my mum and she was asking me if the hickey that my dad gave her was that noticable. I said no, but I didn't really want to know that my parents were still having sex (too late, I accidently walked in not that long ago in real life!). Oh well.

July 29
I was having a sliding doors moment. In the first part I was trying to avoid going on a date with this nerd. Because of this I went to a "Party All About Violence" held by Caherine, whom I have not talked to in over 2 years and don't want to. All her freaky hippy-freak friends were there. During the party they all wore black and some girl died. In the other part I was unable to avoid the date and went with him. He turned out to be really nice and I thought that I would see him again, but I was not going to introduce him to my brother because I knew that he would get picked on. I don't like my brother. When I had finished the date (he had a tattoo of a multi coloured cube on his arm) I ran into Catherine and all her friends. No one had died and they were all wearing pretty feminine clothes. So we see that the way to go was on the date.