That's funny. I guess that's all i wrote on the 12th. I must have been in a really pissy mood, huh? I'm really glad i do this online journal thing becos i look back at some entries and i just fucking sound so damn stupid most of the time. But check out this. I logged this under a long entry i wrote for September 1st. ***I had awesome sex with this tall peurto rican boy named jose but everyone calls him (Koon-tah) Yeah, as in "Roots". He is fucking fine as all hell and my lord he was the best i ever had. We got in the shower afterward and then slept all mother fucking day. That's what i'm talking about.***
Where the fuck did i get the name Jose from? I think he was fucking around with me. What a jerk! I forgot to ask him about that last Saturday. You spell his name "Kunta"not "Koon-tah". I'm so retarded. I'm really glad we hit it off & things went like they did becos when i do the math i must have conceived our baby that night. The 1st time he came over my apartment. I only seen him around a few times. Never spoke. I sound like such a whore but i swear i NEVER do that sorta thing. I just got this wonderful vibe off him. That's so crazy tho. What if i never saw him again after that? I'd still think my kid's dad was named Jose'. What the fuck? Talk about Ricki Lake shit. Thank god he never met a bitch as weird as me and fell fer me. Phew!
Speaking of him. My wonderful big gay friend, Greg took me up to the jail last Saturday to see him. I missed him so much. I felt bad cos my hair is blue & pink which is cool fer me but he's a project kid. Plus, he's in jail and all his cellmates looked at him & looked at me and did the "ooookaaaay" look. I felt like i embarrassed him but being the sweetie he is he said, "it looks pretty." I said you don't understand, i'm gonna get fatter and have more and more pimples until this baby is born and he said, "but your eyes will always be the same." Awww..i sound all mushy and sick and any riot grrrl who actually reads my life story and inner thoughts they'll probably attack me. I dunno...i'm me. A geek. I wanna share my life with someone. I wanna be happy. Have this baby. Fuck crazy mad times a day and paint and cook and fucking be loved. Does that not make me a riot grrrl anymore? IT CONFIRMS MY BELIEFS. So fuck you if you believe otherwise. I can be a female doctor. Yeah, riot! I can be a whore. Yeah, riot! Well, guess what? I can be a mom that needs welfare hopelessly in love with a Peurto Rican boy i met in the ghetto and be happy cos that's what i wanna do. Yeah, riot! ;p
I wrote him mad letters last night and today. I finished all the ones i started in the past 3 weeks. I hope that cheers him up a bit. I hope he calls me tonight. He don't call much anymore since it's my mom's house i'm staying at not mine anymore. Being respectful, i know. I miss him tho. I asked him to marry me. He said yes without batting a lash. I love him.
November 28, 2000 TUESDAY "My Own Worst Enemy"
Well, i slept all day. I mean all day. I woke up to a collect call from Kunta and a letter from Kunta in the mail. I think i'm too hard on him sometimes. I don't mean to be, it's just Henry i guess. He made me mean, paranoid, stupid, and i fuck all my relationships up. I can't totally blame him fer me assholeness but Kunta seems too good to be true and i'm digging fer dirt. Im streesin him out when i should be comforting him. I cry afterward. When its too late and the shits already been said. I'm gonna push him away.
Everything was pretty much fine. Then i let my mouth take charge. Sigh. He rapped out some line from a song and i sighed. Guns, Drugs, etc. When finished he said, "i don't want that life anymore Melissa." After i sighed yet again i said, "You sure?" there was a long pause and then i heard a click. He hung up on me and i deserved it. Now, i just have to decide that the past is the past. He does want a better life and he wants it with me so shut the fuck up Melissa. Leave him alone or yer gonna lose him.
So then i deicide after the longest break from our ever-fucked up non-relationship to call Henry and ask him a question that's been on my mind fer about a month. He answered his cell in 2 rings and said, "Hello." I heard Breiana in the background. I said, "Hello." "Who is this?" "It's Melissa." "Yeah." he said. "I just wanted to ask you something. Was everything always a big game, i was the joke and everybody knew about it except me?" i asked. "Nah." Then i asked him how could he let Mike do that to me? He said he couldn't control him, blah-blah-blah. He said the best thing he could do was walk away and that he told him several times it was "fucked up." He also said he couldn't control what other people say and do. I said No, but you can control what you do. I told him i could've lost the baby. Then i heard her. The bitch. Nikie in the background. "Who is it Henry?! Is it that fucking Melissa?! I wanna talk to her!" I was surprised after all this time my name came up 1st outta her month. He said, "shut the fuck up Nikie, you don't tell me what to do bitch." I said , "Bye Henry." I hung up.
For the 1st time i'm glad things didn't work out between us.
December 6 2000 WEDNESDAY "i know i don't even have a bed to fuck in, but let me make a phonecall and i'll have one in a while"
I'm giddy like a school grrrly right now. I got butterflies in my tummmy. I miss my sweetheart so much. It sounds so damn bad but he's in jail. I get my 1st (and hopefully last) contact visit tomorrow. Which basically means i can hug him and kiss him and hold his hands. I had an ultrasound Tuesday so i'll get to show him the pictures. I wanna look really pretty cos i look pretty bad.
I've been spending most of my time with Jeska or Greg. My family is severly getting on my goddamn nerves. I still don't know exactly where i'll be 2 months from now but...i'll have to think more. I got work tomorrow too. Rock.
December 7, 2000 THURSDAY "Got to Get Away from Me"
What a crazy fucking day. I saw my boo tho:) I cried as expected. Contact visit is exaggarating a bit tho.
