Disclaimer: C'mon you know there had to be one! Their so fucking trendy. I've had this idea to do this little dear diary sorta thing but i'm not sure. I'm crazy on one hand to think i should do it...on the other, it may help me...maybe even someone else. I dunno...somethings are too personal...i don't know where this will go. *Since i orginally wrote that disclaimer over a year ago...i'm glad i started it. Not so much fer you but fer me. Some grrrls have written me to thank me which i so appreciate but i can't lie it's thereuputic fer me and i will continue to write in here more often.
Feb. 15th, 1999 Sometimes i feel like everything i am is a contradiction. I change my mind everyday. Everything i am is a lie. I hate when i feel that way. I say i don't need you...but yet i feel very alone. I say i'm confident within myself to stay true to myself...but my insecurities grow bigger everyday. I hate you today...i love her tomorrow. I'm ok being chubby/fat...i wanna die becos of it. I'm straight..no i'm sure this time. I'm gay. No...i'm bisexual. I can't. Yes, i can. I don't like my father's opinions, beliefs, demeanor...but i'm just like him in so many ways. I say not to judge a book by it's cover...but hate beautiful everyday girls. I wanna be the wise one...but i don't know dick. My sister is humbled by me, but it's her i admire. I hate conformity...but i think i could be a happy housewife home with the kids listening to Elton John or Barry Manillow or whatever those people listen to. I say "fuck you" i will change yer narrow mind but cry when i get home. There are so many of contradictions like that in my life right now. I don't know what to do with out selling out myself. My birthday was 2 days ago. I'm 20. Twenty. I was 15 yesterday. Where did my teenage years go. I have to be grown up now. That priviliged bitch with the matching "I.O.U." demin set who i loathed for having everything works at the doctor's office. I'm unemployed. Now here's this bitch i was in the same class with asking me, "what seems to be your problem?" So i gotta tell this cunt about my throwing up, my diarrhea, my undiagnosed rash...how humilating. I'm better than this...i wish someone would fucking throw me a sign. why am i here? is there a God? will i ever accomplish anything i've dreamed about
March 20, 1999
Well, i left my journal in my coworker's car yesterday. I really hope she doesn't notice until Monday. I realize this is highly unlikely. Why did i have my journal at work you ask? We drive alot and i'm bored, so i write. It would suck if this girl reads it. I only write in it when i'm in an extreme. Does that make any sense? It's not like everyday i write in it. Things are hard to follow unless your me reading it. I've been feelng alot like writing lately becos of all the shit that has happened to me in the past 2 weeks. After waiting 20 years to have sex i gave my virginity to someone i hardly know. I don't know how i could be so fucking stupid. I don't know what i was thinking. i have no idea what i expected. It hurt so fucking bad. I'm a mistake he says. He loves his girlfriend he says. I feel like a scumbag....this shit was never gonna hapen to me. How did i let this happen? I've changed so much in every sense in the past 2 weeks (appearance wise and emotionally) i don't even recongnize myself...i can't write about this now...run melissa run melissa...i've been trying to write about this since March 11th...
April 15, 1999
I have a fucked headache. I really like that song, "Freak on a Leash" by KoRn. I'm not really a KoRn kid so that's interesting. I put it on my main page. It seems sometimes like life works against you. I know i'm a hard person to appease but i truly believe it's because of a chemical imbalance rather than ingratefuless. I was able to see my Jeska Rabid grrrl. Our energy is so good together. Nothing but positive things happen. She makes me giddy. I love her to death. She bounced outta bed and made me a egg and cheese sandwhich on a toasted enlsh muffin with grape juice. wow! i ate breakfast. Someone made me breakfast. Double wow. I get paid tomorrow. Rock. I hopefully will have the needed fundage for 1- my electric to get turned on. 2- a lay away payment and maybe 3- a new beeper. Hope so. I haven't seen him in 2 days. I scared myself tuesday. I wanted to see him so bad but couldn't and so i cried. I was ridiculous. Like i NEEDED him. That's just not me. But then again, neither am i lately. What the fuck am i doing. I told him i needed his affection when he was with me. He stayed. His self-destructiveness scares me too. It's almost like danger gives him a hard on. A few people have made me think a bit more about this whole situation lately. I met his girlfriend recently. She's awful. Awful because she's biggoted. The type that says stuff like, "Why is SHE going out with HIM she's so much prettier and better than him?" Fucking yuck. That's what he likes more. I hate the fact i've lost 15 lbs and like it. I hate the fact i smiled when 3 cars beeped at me while i was walking down the street. I sound awful too, don't i? Maybe being in a relationship isn't bad. Maybe it can feel good. Not this though. I'm getting all the shitty parts. I hung out with his friend. We clicked. He's really nice. this is so weird. Me and it's best friend went to the mall and got Hole tickets. His friend reminds me of Kurt...cheesy but...he's reminiscent of his looks. Maybe getting settled this weekend will clear my head..."Give me one reason to be beautiful...and i will make myself so beautiful..."
April 16, 1999
I beeped him twice today before he even called me back. Then when he did, "Hi, i'm at my girlfriend's house." ??? Fucking shit...i can't take it. I didn't call him in 2 days hoping that would help a bit. Maybe he'd miss me. But no. It's 2:00am. I went out for a bit. No messages. No beeps. I was short on the phone earlier with him but still...i was hoping since this weekend i have off from work and this house basically to myself...he could stay with me. It almost hurts to sleep alone. I beeped him when i got back but he never called me.
I think i should e-mail my friend about this mess i've woven. He always gives good advice. I'm so fucking tired and i feel like eating a garden burger but...i'm too tired to make it.
April 25, 1999
What a week. I finally got both my
electric and phone paid for. I can't
wait to have my own space. I hope
everything works out. I desperatley
need a car. After the Hole concert i
should start saving for one. What a
mess. I volunteered for extra work
Saturday and then i never showed up. I
got lost on the NJ turnpike from the
night before. Don't laugh. I was so
tired. Christ, that was a mess. I hope
i still have a job. I called my boss
but he never returned my call. I guess
'll know Monday morning. That would be
just fucking wonderful. I just got my
shit together so i can settle in the
trailer and then i lose my job. Just
my luck.
I'm so fucking proud of myself. Me and
Mr. Wonderful were supposed to go out.
I hadn't seen him since last Saturday.
This was planned then. So right before
i' ready to gopick him up he calls.
"I'm too tired. I'm sorry. It's not
that i don't wanna do something with
you, i just thought it would be
earlier." He suggest "maybe" tomorrow
we can do something, but earlier. "I
don't i have plans...see ya around." i
replied. I was so dissappointed. I
mean fuck. I worked all day. Plus i
had work early next morning but i made
myself becos i missed him. I think it
was then i realized for the first time
he doesn't care for me. It's almost
like if drugs, drinking, sex, or
guitars isn't in the plans...then he's
like "what for?" Like actually just
hanging out never occured to him. It's
not good enough. Shit, of course i
love playing and learning and have a
[unfortunate] liking for the above
aforementioned things but...i like
just being with him. Just sleeping
next to him. I've grown to like it so
much, it's almost like it makes me
physically ill to sleep alone. Like
there is an empty pit in my heart.
So, where does the proud part come in
you ask? Last night comes and i beep
him. He calls me back all wide awake.
Asked me what i was doing. My friend
invited me to her new apartment for a
party. I told him. I was going on
about how much fun it was going to be
when...he says, "well, i guess i'm not
invited. I'll just stay home and
pout." he said. "Ok, well i'm ready so
i gotta go. Talk later. Bye." was my
response. [hahahahahahah] It was funny
and cruel. A few hours later i decided
he suffered enough. He was on my mind.
I pondered the idea of picking him up
a couple times...my restraint was weak
but i made it. I did beep him from a
pay phone once though BUT i left
before he could call back. That's
pathetic but fuck, i'm trying.
Wow. Now that i'm going over the night
in my head. I feel silly. Oh well fuck
it. Baby steps. I think i should hang
out with a few different groups of
people. That may help.
I went to the gynecologist. I got a
check up. I have to go back to them
when get my period for the
depo-provera birth control shot. I'm
nervous about it. I hope it doesn't
make me sick, or gain back the weight
i lost, or depress me. I feel better
knowing i'm ok though. If i'm gonna be
an idiot, i oughtta learn how to be
safe. I was thinking about asking him
to go get an AIDS test. Next time he
asks me if we can "screw around"
that's what i'll do.
June 17, 1999
What a day from the twilight zone yesterday was...and today i guess cos of the thinking about what happened yesterday.
i went to my lil sister's graduation. i was standing and really couldn't see shit when who taps on my shoulder but him. "hi." he said. "hi." i replied and walked away after a very brief conversation. very brief. Then i decided i was rude and stood next to him against the fence. A space between us. Small talk in between. I heard him cry. I coudn't look but without turning my head manage to ask, "why arw you upset?" "It's just sad." he said. I pointed at the sea of red and white gowns. "That will be you next year." His concern was being left alone. His best friend of many years would be leaving for Boston in the fall. All his friends were moving on. I can't show affection towards him. Only words, scarce but they better be the right ones. I felt fat and ugly compared to the group of girls to my left with one piece summer outfits with nothing to hide make-up perfect in the summer heat. I noticed they also caught his attention. It made me feel ugly. I looked down and compared my attire. Black jeans, black Hole cherry baggy t-shirt, black slide on lazy shoes. My hair limp and roots to match. I had purple glitter on my eyelids. Rose colored lipstick. Later i started to walk away without saying good-bye, he followed my lead ahead of me. [does that make sense? think. it does.] Lost in that sea looking for my sister i saw him greet derek. I saw him out the corner of my eye and walked right by. I think he called my name at one point but i didn't bat a lash. We were in public. Not public but school public. It felt awkward at best. I congratualated derek and got a dodged hug back. Yuck. [the effestion factor.] I'm so lost. I don't know what i want but i wish i had more options.
one day i wanna be drug free. 3 weeks later and i need it. i'm not losing anymore weight so...the money issue.
i saw a girl a used to be best friends with before our falling out. I hugged her. "i met courtney." i said. "i'm so sorry missy. i love you." she said. "i love you too" i said back as i walked away. i do, then think.
then i saw an old friend. he had
cancer but it went into remission. it
obviously was back. i will be
attending his funeral soon i know.
it's just awful. "Beware of God" read
his shirt. He hadn't been the best guy
in the world but we once shared a jar
of pickles together, played nintendo,
ditched school, shared a bottle of mad
dog, and laughed togther. He could
barely talk and his face and body were
tiny. It was a different person. His
smiling face is vague in my memory.
I'm
sorry it is this way.
July 4, 1999
i think he likes me. or he is
confused. i'm looking forward to aug.
3. i have no real friends. i just
realized this. i need to stay focused.
i'm seriously thinking about a
cosmetology career.
July 11, 1999
well, right now i would say i have no real friends. no one really truly cares. ever since i was a little girl i've searched for that 1 person who would give me the same back what i gave them. i'm 20..i don't think that prson exists. i'm letting go of everyone. what lauren and dom did probably pushed me over the edge. not over the edge with rage but over the edge like, "ok, i've had enough. i'm tired, fuck it." i love all of them. they do not love me. as far as he goes. the saga continues...this new found freedom i decided would show his true heart. unfortunely, he hasn't been headed this way. i've cried a million times over him. months now. i guess not becos i am so madly in love. But, more so i prayed to god to send me something. anything. He answered. i got my prayer answered. now what? the worst feeling is loving someone and them not letting you, not wanting you to.
*you know what the best feeling is tho? Loving someone and them embracing it! and loving back!
April 4, 2000. Holy shit it's been a long time!
Oh my god! It's been nearly a year since i wrote in this online journal. I had this thing where i just couldn't muster the energy cos so much shit was going on. So since i have the energy and i'm fixing up some stuff on "geekgrrrl" i decided to go back and read some entries. Fuck! I'm so glad i wrote in here. Look at where i was a year ago. Unbelievable. I definately going to add an entry at least once a week from now on.
I'm glad to see that all the above entries were about Mike. Ha! That is sooo funny to me now. I can't believe i stressed that situation so much. Don't get me wrong losing yer viginity is a big big deal. Especially to me it was. He had me suicidal. He's such a joke. I saw him the other day and all i could do is fucking laugh! He's a god damn moron and i serously can't believe i ever liked him. Let alone thought i loved him. Ew.
Also if you look above at the June 17th entry i mentioned seeing a friend who i thought was ill with cancer. I predicted "i would be attending his funeral soon." He was ill come to find out but not with cancer, from drugs. He passed away since i wrote that. Very sad to say. He was drinking at his mother's house. She has asked him to leave cos he was drinking. He left. We had snow. It was cold. He passed out in the snow, face down. On my street! I can't believe it! He froze to death. I missed the viewing but attended his funeral w/ friends. He left behind 3 kids and he was only 22. It's a shame. I'm glad i made my peace with him before he died though. His body was just a shell of what i remember. I'll try to keep in mind him nabbing the last pickle from my jar that one funny night...instead of him nagging me to fuck him when we were drunk. *sigh*
Someone younger than me that i went to school with killed herself recently. Put a shotgun up to her head. Unbelievable. She was one of those perfect girls too. Ms. Popularity. Goes to show what i know. I'm guilty of stereotyping myself. May both of them rest in peace.
I lived in Glassboro for a while. I was unhappy. My roomate was a crackhead. I was dating this guy, Henry, who used me and treated me like shit. He still has a hold on me. I write alot about this relationship in the "pretty on the inside" section.
I live with my parents again. I'm 21 now. I'm awaiting placement on these rent controlled aprtments in Glassboro. I miss the town. Just not the crackheads. That will be cool. I need a roomate. My rent will be so cheap i can afford to live comfortably on my own too. Becos it's 2 bedrooms they make you have a roomate. I don't have a job right now. I got sick of cleaning fer a living. My car is on it's last leg so i really should make more of an effort. I've been quite lazy lately.
I'm in love. His name is Howard. He's an artist. We've been dating fer almost 4 months now but we haven't been going out that long. He's really great. It's like a real relationship where feelings are considered and normal stuff. Scary cos some of me wants to believe it and some of me is afrain to get used to it. He's really into japenese culture, japanimation, martial arts, computers, and art. He's Italian and adorable. He reminds me of the Hole song, "Heaven Tonight." Seriously...word fer word. "I can't believe that i can be happy* Summer will come again you make me happy!" Dorky i know. My life's far from perfect right now but he's manage to make me very happy. I think he's the one. If i find this is wrong, i'm turning full on lesbo. I'll be right there. Bikes on Dykes. Dykes on Trikes! hahah. I can't say enough about him but that's enough fer now.
I use to worry about my friends looking at this page that know me... but then i realized after the 1st look they never look anymore. It was causing me to hold back my entries fer fear of them reading it and finding out info or something but i think i all good.
I'm starting college in September. I'm so excited! Yay! I'm a little scared too. Very actually. Well, i'll write more later.
April 2000
*so i write next time silly!<%}%>
September 1, 2000
Well that just added to my aggravation. I wrote an entry about a week ago that i see
was never saved. That really blows. I wonder if this will save.
I HATEHATEHATE gurlpages new editing process! Anyway, i was
just thinking about my life and i wonder, can i make it today?
I have to be at work in 10 minutes. I called out twice already.
Somehow frying chulupas just makes time dragdragdrag. I need
a ciggarette. I miss Henry. He is coming over Wednesday. I hate
Nikie. She is a dirty whore which would make my Hen a dirty
dick nigga i'm told. Next Saturday i'm having a big ass party
becos i fucking can. That ought to make things a lil better.
Hopefully. I'm so sick of walking to the projects and having to
convince yet another black person i'm there to visit friends
and not to buy crack. sigh. "Jaws all on the floor, you people
act like you never seen a white person before." Yeah, i
understand Marshall. My apartment is a catostrophe. I finally
get fucking paid on Tuesday. I ran into B.L. on the walk to
the library. People are so funny. I can't tell the shady ones
from the ok ones ever. Boo-Bear has a key to my house. It's
not like Jeska would ever use it right. I've had it for over
a month and since it's been that long [longer] since i even
had a normal conversation with Jeska i figured, fuck it. Might
as well put it to some use. I miss Jeska but fuck. I'm not
even stressin bout that right now. ihatemyjob...
I had awesome sex with this tall peurto rican boy named jose
but everyone calls him (Koon-tah) Yeah, as in "Roots". He is fucking
fine as all hell and my lord he was the best i ever had. We
got in the shower afterward and then slept all mother fucking day.
That's what i'm talking about.
I met this rad chica in Taco Bell the other night so i gave her
my hello kitty watch. iknowiknowiknow what yer thinking. Yes,
she was that special. Her name was Amber and i hope she writes me.
Gripe, i know i got some explaining to do so i'll write soon. I'm getting a
puter from R.A.C. soon. Tuesday [hopefully.]