The Scorpion King

Shaun Watson reviews�

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The Scorpion King

Starring:
The Rock as Mathayus
Michael Clark Duncan as Balthazar
Steven Brand as Memnon
Peter Facinelli as Takmet
Ralf Moeller as Thorak
Bernard Hill as Philos
Grant Heslov as Arpid
Sherri Howard as Queen Isis

-and-
Kelly Hu
as Cassandra the Sorceress

Dude. I saw "The Scorpion King" on Sunday. It was good. On to the particulars:

I had a really bad weekend composed mostly of Saturday (read the story here), but extended to Sunday when I found out some wack news. It made me really sad and I felt I should cheer myself up. So I went and saw��

��and I liked it. A whole lot.
The movie had me from jump when they were advertising it with that music from Conan the Barbarian, called "The Riddle of Steel" I think. It's the first opening drums and French horns that everyone knows. Any ways, I was jazzed from that point on because I like sword-and-sorcery movies a lot. I've watched way too much Hercules: the Legendary Journeys and Xena: Warrior Princess and I've melded the opening narration of both shows together to the point that whenever I watch a sword-and sorcery flick, I always say over the obligatory opening text scroll in "the movie narrator" voice:

IN A TIME OF GODS�WARLORDS�AND KINGS�
IN A WORLD OF MYTH AND LEGEND�
WHERE THE GODS WERE CRUEL�AND PLAGUED MANKIND WITH SUFFERING�
THE LAND IN TURMOIL CRIED OUT FOR A HERO�
ONLY ONE COULD STAND AGAINST THEIR POWER��
(insert name here)!

(name) HAS A GREAT POWER UNMATCHED BY MORTAL MEN,
FORGED IN THE HEAT OF BATTLE�
A STRENGTH SURPASSED ONLY BY THE POWER OF GOOD IN THEIR HEART.
BY BATTLING THE MINIONS OF EVIL, (name) WILL USE THEIR MIGHTY POWER TO CHANGE THE WORLD�
FOR WHEREVER THERE IS EVIL�WHEREVER AN INNOCENT SUFFERS�THERE WILL BE��

(insert name here)!!!!

OK. Got that off my chest now. Dude, I paid full price to see this movie, and I'll tell you this: the opening scene alone is worth more than full price. Our hero, Mathayus the Arkadian assassin(played by Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock, The Rundown and "WWE Smackdown[TV]") gets bonus points for creative use of weaponry, enemy weaponry, environment/surroundings and enemy personnel. They come in handy when he has to assassinate the Sorceress (Kelly Hu--*sigh*--from Cradle 2 the Grave, "Martial Law"[TV] and X-2) under the command of the self-proclaimed and proven master swordsman/badass Memnon(Steven Brand, "The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer[TV]" and the anime "Hellsing"). The plan to kill the sorceress gets botched, with Mathayus and the Sorceress joining forces to defeat Memnon. They can't do it alone, so they get help from the Nubian warrior Balthazar(Michael Clark Duncan from The Green Mile), Philos the inventor (Bernard Hill, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers), Arpid the horse thief (Grant Heslov) and random Amazon warriors under the command of Queen Isis (former Olympian Sherri Howard). Oh yeah, some random dude named Thorak(Ralf Moeller, Gladiator and "Conan the Barbarian[TV]") joins them in their fight against the mullet.

This has to be the cleanest movie I have ever seen. Despite its rich earthy tones and the lack of proper hygiene in those times, it's friggin' clean. No blood. If there is blood, I missed it due to the action, the Rock and Kelly Hu. And I like that.

Fortunately, this movie also has its moments where I said "Huh?" If it didn't, then I wouldn't be writing this. Let's go in to detail, shall we?
First of all, a funny thing: Kelly Hu's expressions in close-up. A lot of the times that the actress who played the Sorceress got to mug in the camera for proclamation speeches, she was with the Rock. Something would happen and Kelly Hu's face would do this thing that made it look like her character subconsciously said, "OH my hero!" The scene below is key to what I'm talking about:

EXT. THE DESERT. BALTHAZAR'S CAMP. Mathayus and the Sorceress are brought before the Nubian warrior-king Balthazar. He remembers the Arkadian from their initial meeting--where Mathayus speaks about being paid for killing Memnon, but will kill Balthazar for free. Believing that the Arkadian and Memnon's pet are at his mercy, he commands that the Sorceress be brought to him.
CLOSE UP ON: Mathayus breaks his bonds and says:

MATHAYUS
The man who wants her has to go through me!
CLOSE UP on Kelly Hu. Flashing her gaze to look in awe at the back of the Rock's head, her face says something: I think it's--"OH my hero!"

Nubian Warriors by Boris Vallejo

Second, I want to address the lack of Africans or darker peoples in this movie. OK, the only prominent African-looking characters in this movie are Balthazar and Queen Isis. Remember Queen Isis? If not, then SHAME. She led the random Amazons. For argument's sake, let's say you did forget who Isis was. That leaves Balthazar as the only African-looking person of importance in the whole film. I said film. Huh huh. The idea that he would be the only African-looking person makes me think of the Godsmack song on the soundtrack for The Scorpion King called "I Stand Alone." The song may be written as a ballad to the question Balthazar asked of Mathayus:

BALTHAZAR: Will you stand alone against the might of Memnon's armies?
MATHAYUS: Yes.

Personally, I am beginning to think that the song is dedicated to Michael Clark Duncan, due to the fact that he's the only African-looking person set in an Egyptian-themed movie. Seems that he�STANDS ALOO-NAH!

Now, a lot of you are probably saying that there weren't just dark-skinned people in Egypt, or that the people in Egypt weren't Nubians. What should be addressed is the fact that the writers made a point to state in the opening narration:

"IN A TIME, BEFORE THE PYRAMIDS�

This statement allows them to go ahead and make any willy-nilly ancient times picture set in the desert they wish without having to deal with speculations like this. Despite such wonderful planning and the dependence on the convention of 'suspension of disbelief', I was looking out for that stuff they tried to pass. Yes, this movie is fiction to a degree. Much like the TV show Friends and its version of New York City.

All conspiracy theories and over-reading aside, I give this movie a 9.