 Movie poster from the |
OK, I think I've got it: When I went to go see John Carpenter's Vampires, I went with friends and we all went dressed in black--as Goth as we could be. I couldn't go very Goth because I wasn't willing to dye my hair blue. Nonetheless, I went and we all had a wonderful time due to a single factor: this movie didn't take itself seriously at all.
The movie starts by following the Catholic Church-sponsored team of vampire hunters known as Team Crow. They're led by Jack Crow(James Woods, Casino, Contact) and his second, Montoya(Daniel Baldwin, Hero, Mulholland Falls). They're in search of the Master Vampire Valek(Thomas Ian Griffith, XXX, Kull the Conqueror), ripping up every vampire haven north and south of the Mexican Border. Despite not finding the Master Vampire immediately, they decide to take a little R&R. While Team Crow gets drunk and has sex with whores, Valek attacks and almost wipes out the entire team singlehandedly. The only survivors are Jack, Montoya and a hooker named Katrina(Sheryl Lee, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me), who was bitten by Valek.
Jack follows procedure and goes back to clean up the site of the massacre, while Montoya tracks Valek through his psychic link with the slowly turning Katrina. After Jack cleans up, he heads back to Slayer HQ to report�I'm not sure, but I think Slayer HQ is in Vatican City�
Anyway, he meets up with Cardinal Alba(Maximilian Schell, Deep Impact, The Freshman), who tells him why there's so much activity in the American Southwest: Valek is looking for the Beziers Cross hidden there. When Valek finds it, he'll use the Beziers Cross to become a daywalker and terrorize the world. Jack leaves Slayers HQ with a new team member, Father Guiteau(Tim Guinee, Blade, Impostor), and heads back to meet up with Montoya and the infected Katrina.
It goes without saying that the stakes are high and the world's got to be saved, but it must be highly noted that this movie is unique for its scenes of violence against Catholic priests. Of special note are the scenes where Jack asks the young priest Guiteau if he becomes sexually aroused in violent situations. What makes them weirder is that Jack usually asks this after he's beaten Guiteau like a dog on the side of the desert road.
I'd say that this movie needs Jesus, but I think that the �ber-macho Jack would try to beat up Our Lord and Saviour for the heck of it.
CHOICE CUTS:
-Where do they get people like Jack Crow? I'd love to know.
-Team Crow and all associated items. A tight-knit pack of ruffians with the best vampire-hunting tech makes for a good action flick. It's all about these guys punkin' some vampire ass. Too bad they only do well against multiple targets.
-Valek. Auditioned for Blade, but lost out to Mr. Guinee. So Brian Warner.
-Does Montoya like beating Katrina like a drum and calling her out a name? You'd think he was a preacher with all the laying of hands he does.
PRICELESS QUOTES:
-Jack Crow and Valek bargain over the Beziers Cross a la Abbott & Costello.
"Give me the cross, Jack."
"This cross?"
-Montoya venting his feelings about being bitten by Katrina:
"OOOOOOOH! FUCKING BIT MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
-Jack leans to the homoerotic side in this question:
"Hey, Father? You remember when I was kickin' your ass back there? Didja get a little wood?"This movie's pretty damn awesome, despite its lack of a decent storyline. Story, schmory, allegory; John Carpenter's Vampires gets a rating of 6.
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