now, take a deep breath...
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First there was the door bell. It was ringing rather insistently and the one in charge of climbing down to open it found himself tangled in the bathroom pipes, although it wasn't really much of a tangle because there was really nothing much there to tangle on to, but he had a hump and he was on the lanky side of undernourishment and getting up sometimes cost him a lot if he allowed it to and he very much wanted to allow it to, but the door bell was ringing incessantly and was becoming rather an annoyance so the one in charge of opening came to the grudging conclusion that he either stayed where he was or risked a not very pleasant insanity at the hands of a clanging bell. So he straightened up, dusted off his pants as best as he could what with his hands not being all that clean to begin with, ran a hand through his hair, and began the descent to the front parlour, which by this time was echoing with all of that bell ringing going on.

The one in charge of opening the front door grasped at said door's sides and pulled back on it with what would have to be just a little bit of force because the door was rather old and chips in the wood rendered it none too easy to open as silently as the opener would have liked, but the door's shortcomings produced a somewhat sinister creaking that did in fact please the one opening it and it brought a smile to his thin, pale lips but it was gone before the door had opened and outside in the rain was standing a short, fat young man squeezed into a bright orange suit two sizes too small for his massive girth and he was peering at a clipboard and looking rather peeved at the rain and the clipboard and the man who had opened the door.

This Dr. Furter's? he wanted to know, although he didn't really look as if he wanted to know because he kept looking around and frowning and popping a stick of gum into his mouth and the man who had opened the door drummed his fingers on the worm ridden wood of the door and gazed quietly at the young man for a long while before he answered. Yes. And it was a rather thick and slow yes that didn't seem as if the man very much cared either but he must have because he had bothered to answer and so the fat young man walked towards his car with the bright orange sign fastened to the top spelling out Taylor, Panella, and Decker: Wir Deliveren which very much amused the man who had opened the door but his amusement didn't last very long because the fat young man had walked back and had thrust a package in his hands.

Sign 'ere, please, the fat young man said and held out the clipboard and the man who had opened the door frowned at it and took it between two bony hands and scribbled on the line marked with an X and shoved it back towards the young man who certainly did not like to be treated in that manner and he said so but the man who had shoved the clipboard back at him didn't seem to care very much about that either because he had turned to unceremoniously drop the package on the floor of his house's front hall and had turned back looking very dour and very bored and not very friendly at all and the fat young man swallowed but chewed harder on his bubble gum and stuck his clipboard beneath his armpit and turned to go back towards his car.

And it would have all been fine and good but there were three footsteps behind the man who had opened the door and the light of a flashlight was in his eyes and he sort of snarled with his lip curling upwards quickly before he reached out to lower the flashlight and the light refracted off the front hall walls and illuminated the face of a young, pretty dyed redhead in a flannel night-gown and a pink party hat. Columbia he called her and she was not paying attention but instead peering out the still open door at the fat young man and she was whistling at him to hold on a minute. The fat young man stopped and turned around and you could see in his face like that he was annoyed at these folks but suddenly he was smiling and taking in the sight of the pretty dyed redhead and walking back towards the house.

I ordered something too she said and then It should be addressed to Carmelita Furter, you see that's me too although my name's really Columbia and what's yours? and he answered Eddie and the man who had opened the door wanted to laugh but swallowed it down and instead his face distorted a bit around the mouth and his right eye sort of twitched and he looked a bit insane if not completely not that it mattered because Eddie was too busy gazing at Columbia and explaining how he had just brought a package and it was on the hall and Columbia squealed and kind of bounced back in and then really started to bounce around because it said Carmelita Furter and she threw her hands around Eddie's neck and asked him if he had eaten and the man who had opened the door decided that he had been standing around long enough and glared at Eddie and asked him inside and Eddie shuffled in after Columbia and the door was slammed shut and Eddie jumped if only a bit and Columbia stuck her tongue out at the undernourished man. Grow up, Riff Raff.

They walked into the dinning hall and the one Columbia called Riff Raff gave two affectionate pats to what very much resembled a red coloured dead bush on the stairs and it sort of purred but it didn't move and Riff Raff told it that the pipes in the bathroom had been abandoned and it sort of scuttled up the stairs and disappeared and Eddie could have sworn that it had laughed as it went but it sounded more like a rumble of an echo and so he ignored it but Riff Raff was bypassing the dinning room completely and guiding them towards a small refrigerator. There is no dinner, he mumbled to the refrigerator more than to the two young people with him but Columbia side stepped him and was taking Eddie up the stairs and saying We'll eat the Mr. Goodbar's I've got stashed under me bed, Riffy and See ya, come on, Eddie, you'll like me room I decorated it meself wiv all me stuff and Riff Raff watched them go and swung open a pantry door and took out a bottle of nothing he could identify in the darkness but he knew it was alcoholic because it was his private batch and that was good enough and he took three swigs of it and climbed the stairs and wondered how long the fat young man would stay but he was almost certain that it would be a long time.

So he walked down the halls and passed by Columbia's room and heard her giggling and unwrapping Mr. Goodbars and eating and showing Eddie her Steve Reede posters with the I love you Steve's scribbled all over the crotch and the pectorals and her doll collection of decapitated French ladies from the court of Madame Pompadour who had requested a Bible from her lover and she probably had a very interesting edition made because no one else had seen it but they all wanted it and Riff Raff wondered if everything really was about sex and took another swig and headed towards the bathroom and leaned against the door and nudged at the red coloured dead bush's back and it looked up and it was really a strangely beautiful woman you wouldn't have thought of as pretty if she stood beside Columbia but she really was beautiful and she smiled a secretive little smile at Riff Raff and waited for him to explain because he was her younger brother and he took pride in explaining a few things to her.

A fat young man came to the door and delivered a package for Columbia he mumbled to her hair and to the pipes and to his bottle before taking four more swigs and then he said He's in Columbia's room now to which the beautiful sister said Oh and the way she said it everything made sense and was infused with urgency and intimacy and importance and it made her brother smile which was more like a rather wry grin as if he understood her secret and you couldn't tell if he could or not but it seemed that way and he probably did understand anyway because the grin was lopsided but genuine and he stepped into the bathroom and shut the door with his foot and commented He'll probably stay the night and his beautiful sister smiled her secretive little smile again and said The night, of course and they must have both felt like laughing or maybe the alcohol had climbed to Riff Raff's head and the rust from the pipe's to his beautiful sister's because they were both suddenly laughing and this time Riff Raff didn't think that he had to swallow it down and the bathroom rang with their laughter and their laughter continued for a rather long while because they knew Columbia and Eddie could not hear them.
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you may release your breath now.
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� February 5th, 1999 Team Bonet. The Rocky Horror Show is � 1973 Richard O'Brien, who will always be the only Riff Raff for us and so we haven't gone to see any local Rocky casts because the truth is that we'd miss him something fierce not to mention the beautiful Patricia Quinn and Nell Campbell and Mr. Tim Curry and so we apologize to all cast members because we do not mean to say that they shouldn't put on Rocky because we'd miss that very much too but anyway thank you for reading and we also apologize for rambling like this.