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SATURDAY NOVEMBER 30, 2002

WELCOME BACK!!
AN URGENT MESSAGE FROM
VICE-PRESIDENT JOHN ASHCROFT:

FIRST OFF, LET ME THANK ALL OF YOU WHO MADE MY RISE TO THIS OFFICE POSSIBLE!!  WITHOUT YOUR BLIND LOYALTY, IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN AS SMOOTH AND EASY AS IT WAS TO "FOOL HIM TWICE"!
THE SUDDEN "HEART ATTACK" THAT CHENEY GOT DELIVERED TO HIM IN EARLY OCTOBER, THAT NONE OF YOU CARED ABOUT, WORKED JUST FINE.  SINCE MOST OF YOU WERE TOO BUSY WORRYING ABOUT THE SNIPER THAT WE HAD WORKING OVERTIME, AND LOOKING AT BUSH AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR, TO SEE THAT CHENEY WAS NOWHERE IN SIGHT FOR WEEKS AT A TIME. 
SO FOR HAVING THAT "UNFORTUNATE HEART ATTACK", AND PROVIDING ME WITH THE BEST PROTECTION WHILE YOU WERE AROUND; I'D LIKE TO SAY TO DICK CHENEY:
THANK YOU...COMRADE!!
TO TOM RIDGE, WHO WAS MY PERSONAL WATCHDOG, I HAVE TO THANK THE MOST!  WHEN YOU PRANCED YOURSELF DOWN TO WASHINGTON, DC WITH THE FULL KNOWLEDGE THAT BUSH HAD MASTERMINDED THE SEPT 11th ATTACKS, BUT WERE WILLING TO ACCEPT A JOB TITLE AS REWARD FOR YOUR SILENCE, YOU SHOWED THAT RARE QUALITY THAT ONLY THE FOOLISH POLITICIANS IN "AMEDIKA" SHOW:
A WILLINGNESS TO SLEEP WITH THE ENEMY!!
I GUESS THAT YOU'VE LEARNED YOUR LESSON AS TO WHO REALLY RUNS THE SHOW, AND IF YOU HAVEN'T...YOU WILL!!  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
JUST WHO DID YOU THINK YOU WERE FOOLING WITH, WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD ME UNDER YOUR GUARD?! 
ANYWAY, THANK YOU...COMRADE!!
TO BILL CLINTON, WHO TRADED THE FUTURES OF EACH AND EVERY "AMEDIKAN" IN RETURN FOR A CHANCE TO BACKSTAB BUSH AND GET BACK INTO THE OVAL OFFICE IN 2004, I'D LIKE TO THANK HIM FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR BEING SOOOOO SMART.  IN FACT, IF THERE WERE MORE SMART ONES LIKE HIM, WE MIGHT HAVE PULLED THIS OFF BACK IN SEPT 2001; WHEN WE SENT PLANES, LOADED WITH FUEL AND HUMANS INTO YOUR MOST PRECIOUS PENTAGON AND WORLD TRADE CENTER.  THE FACT THAT THE FOURTH PLANE MISSED IT'S TARGET (THAT DAMN WHITEHOUSE) WAS A SETBACK, BUT AS YOU NOW SEE, IT WAS JUST A TEMPORARY SETBACK, AND WITH POLITICIANS LIKE CLINTON, ANY SETBACK CAN BE OVERCOME.  WE JUST KEPT ON TRYING, AND LETTING THOSE WHO WOULD SELL OUT YOUR COUNTRY KEEP THINKING THEY WERE THE SMARTEST, AND THAT WE WERE THEIR FRIENDS!!
SEEING CLINTON SITTING WITH AL GORE AT THE STAGE SHOW/FUNERAL IN LATE OCTOBER MADE US SO PROUD TO BE WHO WE ARE: THE SMARTEST OF THE SMART!
SINCE AL GORE STILL HAS NO CLUE AS TO HOW BADLY HIS CAMPAIGN WAS SABOTAGED BY CLINTON, AND CLINTON'S PRIDE WILL NEVER ALLOW HIM TO ADMIT THAT HIS ACTIONS HAVE COST "AMEDIKANS" THEIR FREEDOM, THERE WILL BE NO NEED FOR ELECTIONS IN 2004.
AND SINCE CLINTON IS NOW AS POPULAR AS A COLD SORE ON PROM NIGHT, WE WILL TOTALLY EMBARRASS HIM, IF HE TRIES TO MAKE ANOTHER PUBLIC APPEARANCE, BY ASKING HIM THE QUESTION HE DREADS THE MOST:
DO YOU KNOW WHO DOUGLAS CLARK IS?!
SO, TO COMRADE CLINTON:  THANK YOU!!
TO ALL "AMEDIKANS" WHO READ THE FACTS AND REFUSED TO GET INVOLVED, WE'D LIKE TO INFORM YOU THAT THE LINES TO THE GAS CHAMBER WILL BEGIN FORMING IMMEDIATELY.  WE TESTED THE FINAL PRODUCT ON OUR OWN PEOPLE LAST MONTH, AND WERE PLEASED WITH THE RESULTS.  YOU WILL BE ALSO!!
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