Can U Deliver? John Bush from the mighty Armored Saint knew that shitty times were On the Way, and preached the gospel that the early '90s were going to suck.
Recently declassified Pentagon spy videos from the Gulf War reveal why Saddam really invaded Kuwait:
Saddam: (sliding gloves across table) I have an ultimatum. Either you purchase 100 pair of our ugly-ass new military glove or we invade you! Red or blue?
Kuwaiti Leader Guy: Never! That would be genocide as far as I'm concerned. We have the U.S. on our side, anyway.
Saddam: I invade! And I will also put an American-sounding name on them and release them in America. The fools! Dirt bikers will purchase them and look stupid. Muhuhahahaha!!!!!
What the hell is TX-10?? I don't know, but I don't like it. Looks like Jeff Stanton is wearing the Eddie Van Halen Pant and the "Racing" Jersey.
Weasel Squeezers
Why are these called weasel squeezers? Are they supposed to squeeze your weasel? Do I have a weasel? Is it my ass? Is it my penis? It can't be my balls, because I have two of those and then they'd have to be called Weasels Squeezers, which is hard to say. Is it my 'taint? I'm going to go with 'taint. A weasel is a 'taint. According to Dennis Kirk.:
-
Body-hugging shorts reduce friction making them perfect for wearing under riding gear (Translation: No monkey butt after riding all day)
-
Reduced friction alleviates fatigue, adding comfort (Translation: No monkey butt after riding all day)
-
Available in royal, black, and purple/lime (Translation: Available in be a dork, look pretty normal, and have other guys pinch your ass all the time)
These bad-ass Scott goggles (with gimmicky electric Roll-Offs system attached) demonstrate another trademark of the early '90s in MX gear and every other goddamn thing that tried to be cool back then: SPIDER WEB SPLATTER PAINT!!1!1!!1! Yes, spider web splatter paint was one of the best parts of the early '90s. Here's what you had to do to make it:
-
Take a perfectly good object (goggles, pants, bed sheets, your entire car, horse) and put it in a paint booth
-
Never clean your paint gun so that dried paint in the nozzle makes it spray all over the place
-
Aim gun at object and spray
-
Switch to another color that does not match at all
-
Dry. Use object and look like an imbecile doing it
I actually owned these goggles. They were a really good pair, just ugly. Kind of like a great pair of legs with spider veins all over them.
l-r: Robby "FUCK!!" Gordon, prom queen, USAmullet
Now, what if you were a real cheapskate in the early '90s? That damn recession took all of your scratch away. You had to sell your polka-dotted '92 RM 250 (more on those things later) and buy an '81 YZ 250 with the radiator on the front forks. No longer were you all about the bling-bling. You still needed new gear though, and you only had $200 for pants, jersey, gloves, and boots. USA Racing to the rescue! For two bills. you could have any of the three rokken setups above (sans helmet). Believe it.
Comfort, quality, style, durability, clarity, replaceable lenses, fit, ability to mount tear-offs, good foam, and breatheability are all things that people look for in goggles. These goggles have none of those things, but they are cheap. I mean, hell, at $6.99 ($7.46 in 2001 dollars), how can you resist?
Skiers didn't get off any easier than we did. Poor fuckers.
Damn, I need to learn to not be such a pussy about jumping so I can race motocross.
.
Trying to unload a bunch of early '90s crap? Try coming up with a witty advertisement. Animals also draw attention to your ad, especially when they are fire-breathing lions.