Two Wounded in Lamaze Class Shooting

By Eric Von Gringleheim, Staff Reporter 
LOS ANGELES, Calif-     A pregnant mother and her husband were wounded last night at the downtown YMCA.  The two were taking part in a Lamaze class held at the center. Jeff Buntam and his wife, Susan, were in the middle of the breathing technique when the gunfire started.
     "I had no idea where the shots were coming from," said Mr. Buntam.  "I didn't even realize I had been hit until I saw the blood."  Mr. Buntam was grazed by a bullet on the left shoulder.  He was treated and released.  His wife was not quite so lucky- she was hit in the upper thigh and was held overnight for observation.  Her condition is not believed to be life threatening for herself or her baby.  "The shots seemed to be coming out of thin air.  It was really strange."  Mr. Buntam told police at the scene.
     The shots were not coming out of thin air but they were coming from an unlikely place-- Barbara Johnson's womb.  Apparently Mrs. Johnson's unborn baby (whom she plans to name Barney) was the one doing the shooting.  The fetus had somehow obtained the gun-- the Johnson's best guess is that it was stolen by the unborn child from an area Wal-Mart store where the couple had been shopping earlier in the day.  Mrs. Johnson had been wearing a loose-fitting dress while browsing through the store.  She and Mr. Johnson had been near the gun counter and the baby probably descended from the uterus and picked up the gun and bullets while the couple was distracted.
     Mrs. Johnson was lucky enough to escape the event unharmed.  Apparently at the time that the shooting began the pregnant woman was lying on her back with her feet placed flat on the ground as if she were about to do sit-ups.  The fetus apparently steadied the gun against the pubic bone and aimed for the light.  Mrs. Johnson escaped without a scratch.  "I will need a new a leotard though.  I saw some on sale today at Wal-Mart."
     The shooting stopped when the gun was knocked from the fetus' hand.  One of the members of the class, Glendale resident Gary Cozine, helped in bringing the situation under control.  "I determined pretty quickly that the bullets were coming from (Mrs. Johnson's) vagina-- by chance I happened to be looking in that direction at the time.  I jumped up and got the gun away from the kid.  I'm no hero," here Cozine paused to sign an autograph, "I just did what anyone else would have done under the circumstances."
     According to Brian Gilson, another member of the class, what Cozine believed those circumstances called for was repeatedly kicking Mrs. Johnson in the stomach.  "He was wailing on her with his foot." claimed Gilson.  "He was kicking the hell out of her.  We had to pull him off."  It was during the pummeling that the gun was knocked out of the fetus' hand and into the Fallopian tubes where doctors later retrieved it.  "I know he had to do something but that was kind of messed up," said Gilson as he solemnly shook his head.  "I mean, you don't kick a pregnant woman in the stomach where I come from.  I know he probably didn't have much time to think but I get the feeling that the guy doesn't think even when he has the time."  Asked if he knew Cozine personally Gilson replied, "I don't know the guy at all.  He's kind of weird.  He doesn't even have a partner, he just does the breathing exercises himself."
     Asked why he had no partner Cozine angrily responded, "I have as much of a right to be there as anyone else.  I paid for the class."  When asked what he was getting out of the breathing exercises Cozine replied, "It's a good place to meet chicks."
     The circumstances surrounding the shooting were odd to say the least but the motives seem to be all too familiar.  Mrs. Johnson believes that other fetuses in the class were taunting her Barney.  "He's small- the doctor says he's about the size of someone in the second trimester even though I'm well into my third. I think he just felt he had to fight back somehow."
     When asked to describe the fetus Gilson replied, "He was quiet.  Kind of a loner.  Seems like a nice unborn kid."
     In the past decade America has seen the rise of schoolyard shootings.  The age of the assailants has plummeted while the death toll has skyrocketed.  But now this trend has reached its nadir in what authorities are calling "Fetuses with Firearms."
     "I didn't raise no killer," said Jimmy Johnson, the child's putative father.  "I'm going to have a long talk with him as soon as he's born.  No guns until his umbilical cord falls off and he's going to have to learn how to shoot just like my daddy taught me.  Those are the rules and he'll have to learn to play by them or he'll be out on his ass."
     Police are still puzzling over whom to charge for the crime- the parents, the fetus or both.  They are considering waiting until the birth so they can try the newborn as an adult.

Editor's Note:
In Mid-April 2000, The Onion posted on it's fine website a story that looked suspiciously similar to the one you have just read here.  See how I got screwed by the man.  Click here.