LOS ANGELES, Calif�In an unprecedented move, Bud Selig has informed Barry Bonds that he can no longer play baseball in the major leagues. Selig�s decree is the result of a landslide vote (29-1) by Major League managers to lockout the Giants slugger. The vote came late Wednesday evening after Bonds went 5 for 6 with 4 homeruns and 9 RBI in his first two games against L.A. Jim Tracy, the Dodgers skipper, said after the closed-door session, �We just can�t keep a guy around who�s averaging two homeruns per at-bat.�
As a result of the vote, Bonds will now travel to the netherworld where he will face such luminary pitchers as Cy Young, Christy Mathewson and Satchel Paige. �I�d like to see him hit Cy Young,� said Omar Daal, one of the Dodger�s victimized pitchers. �That son of a bitch was mean�I heard he shot a guy once. It�ll be hard for Barry to trot around the bases when he�s dead.� When it was suggested that Daal might be thinking of Ty Cobb, Daal responded, �Yeah, I�d like to see him get a hit off of Cobb!�
�I�m pretty happy to see him go,� said Dodger catcher Paul LoDuca after the second game. �I was trying to work with Nomo on his location. Does anyone know how to say, �Just throw at his head� in Japanese?�
Others have been less impressed with Bonds offensive prowess. After nearly being struck by a Bonds homerun ball, one Dodger fan yelled from the bleachers, �I don�t see that fat bastard stealing any bases. I think he�s afraid to run.� When it was explained to him that it is statistically impossible to steal a base if you�ve just hit a homerun he retorted, �My brother runs good.�
It appears that part of the reason for getting Bonds out of baseball is financially motivated. Apparently clubs are running up large psychiatric bills for their pitching staffs. Speaking on condition of anonymity one Dodger clubhouse worker said, �I think some of those guys got kind of messed up. I walked into the locker room late Wednesday evening and saw (Kevin) Brown, (Omar) Daal, (Hideo) Nomo and (Terry) Mulholland (all of whom surrendered homeruns to Bonds) sitting naked in a circle laughing like schoolgirls and playing with some fecal matter. I didn�t stick around to find out whose it was.�
Bonds is slated to face Cy Young (511-316 lifetime) on Friday.
