I'm Sorry, I'm Leaving.
Chapter 9
By: Sarah
Cicily frowned, taking a step back. She didn�t understand him at all.
� What?� She whispered, her voice barely audible. Joel sighed, up against the doorframe, his eyes slowly shutting. He reached up, rubbing his forehead, thinking about what he was about to say. The silence between them was�deafening. Cicily felt her stomach flip, praying silently that she could get through this.
� I can't leave without fixing this.� He said, his voice strong. Cicily frowned.
� I don�t know what you mean.� She said.
� I�m not going to lie to you, Cic.� He said, softly, opening his eyes. She took a step back, pulling him by the sleeve back into the apartment. � I�When I first met you, I just kind of thought of this as some casual thing. A way for me to forget about Leann and just have fun. I thought you were gorgeous�I still do.� He reached for her, but Cicily pulled away. Whether it was intentional or not, Joel got the idea. He shook his head slightly. � Me and Leann were always having problems. Anything that ever went wrong�she blamed on me. It made me start thinking you know�that there really was something wrong with me. That I was doing something wrong. I was always making mistakes and�it got to the point where I just didn�t know what I was doing with her anymore.� He said. Cicily nodded. �Then�then I met you. And you only made me feel good. Like you actually wanted to see me.�
� I do.� She said, her voice soft� �I did��
� You did.� He sighed, his voice slightly bitter. Cicily walked back toward the sofa, hoping he�d follow. He did, and they sat back down.
� Was this just an escape from Leann?� Cicily asked, looking at him. His eyes were unsure and he shifted uncomfortably on the sofa.
� I don�t know. What about you? What about you and Simon?� He asked, changing the subject. Cicily didn�t mind. Simon had definitely been on her mind lately. He�d been gone three whole weeks and she hadn�t even received a phone call from him. That had to tell her something about their relationship.
� I don�t know about us yet.� She said softly.
� It�s not like you�d break up with him�for me.� Joel said and Cicily blinked hard, surprised at Joel�s words.
� Was that ever an�option to you? I mean�� She wasn�t sure what to say.
� I dunno, Cic, I�m just�saying.� He said. She nodded and pulled her legs onto the couch and up to her chest. Simon would be coming back within 48 hours. She thought about what it had been like when he was around. How she felt muffled and insecure� but� she hardly knew Joel. How could she say things would be any different with him? She took a deep breath and broke the silence.
� Do you want to be with me?� She asked, her voice strong. Joel smiled and tilted his head. He opened his mouth, but then closed it again, as if he wasn�t sure what his response was. Cicily bit her lip hard, taking his hesitation as a bad thing. She was tired of this, this waiting and guessing game. Groaning, she stood up, walking away from the couch and Joel.
�Cicily!� He yelped, jumping up after her.
� No, Joel, I get the idea.� She said as she kept walking away from him. He followed her into the kitchen, jogging after her.
� No, I didn�t mean it that way. I�m just�� He sighed heavily. She opened the fridge, peering in although she wasn�t hungry at all. In fact, she felt sick. Her stomach turned and she hastily shut the door. Turning back around quickly, she slammed into Joel, his chest coming in contact with her body. He stumbled backwards, but then caught her, wrapping his arms around her. This caught her by surprise and she pushed him away, stumbling backward. He held her at arms length, looking down at her with serious eyes. � I only meant that�it�s going to be hard for me, to go straight into another serious relationship.� He said, trying to clarify himself. Cicily swallowed, then nodded.
� You don�t think it�ll be hard for me too? My whole life was built around Simon�� She cried, panic taking her over. Joel sensed this and he pulled her closer, hugging her.
� You�ll be ok without him, Cic.� He whispered. She buried her face into Joel�s shirt, taking deep breaths, her arms wrapped around him, gripping the back of his hoodie.
� What are you thinking?� He said after a second. Cicily shook her head.
� I�m wondering what you�re thinking.� She said, pulling away gently. He nodded, blinking slowly. He looked tired and in the slightly florescent kitchen lights, his skin had this blue gray tone to it. Even so, Cicily still thought he was the most gorgeous boy she�d ever set eyes on. Joel leaned back against the counter, shifting his weight on his worn out shoes.
� I�m just thinking that�sometimes I wish that I wasn�t so�torn up about Leann. I wish we met under slightly different circumstances� Because�sometimes I think I fell for you.� He had his eyes closed when he said this, but a second later he opened them. Dark, chocolate brown and silently pleading with hers, Joel finally said exactly what was going on in that crazy mind of his. Cicily let out a long, silent breath that she�d been holding in for what seemed like the last three weeks. Joel sighed softly, then reached forward, taking her by the hips and pulling her toward him. She grabbed him by the sleeves of his sweatshirt, and reached up and tugged gently on his ears. He laughed and then shook his head.
� You think you fell for me?� She asked, her voice low, shaky. He smiled, his shy yet honest smile.
� I know I did.� He whispered.