I'm Sorry, I'm Leaving.
Chapter 7
By: Sarah
It was nearly a week before she even heard anything from him. She�d thought that it was over. She�d said too much, revealed too much and now he wanted nothing to do with her. She hadn�t played the game right and now� she wasn�t sure what she was supposed to do. It was just sex. Cicily kept saying that, over and over, but no matter what, she couldn�t convince herself that it was. He had something in him that she wanted, needed.
It was a rainy, cold Thursday night when she finally did get a call from him. She had been planning to stay in and watch old black and white movies on TV, so she was definitely surprised to hear from him.
Just as Cicily settled down, curling her legs underneath her and under a thick blanket, her phone rang. She stared at it for a second, trying to decide whether it was really worth getting up for. She decided that it probably was someone important, and if not, she�d at least have an excuse to get up and grab another soda.
�Hello?� Cicily asked, picking up the phone, her eyes still glued to the TV. She slid back onto the sofa.
�Hey! It�s Joel.� He said. Cicily sat up straight, turning down the volume on the TV. She took a deep breath, fidgeting slightly.
�Hey�what�s up?� She asked, trying hard to sound casual.
�Nothing really. I was just wondering if�if you were busy tonight.� He asked. Cicily glanced at the clock. It was a little after seven.
�No, not really. I�m just watching some old movies.� She said. Joel cleared his throat and was quiet for a second.
�You think I could stop by?� He asked after a minute�s hesitation. Cicily�s heart jumped and she stood back up, looking down at her pajamas and then reaching up and touching her messy hair.
�Yea�if you want to.� She said finally. Joel made a tiny noise on the other end, but then was quiet. Cicily shifted her weight on her feet uncomfortably, waiting for him to say something. �Do you want to?� She asked finally.
�Yea, I�ll be over in fifteen minutes.� He said, his voice strong and clear. Cicily nodded, her heart racing.
�Ok, I�ll see you then.� She managed to choke out.
Cicily sat down and stared at the TV, she hadn�t bothered to change out of her pajamas, but she�d quickly brushed out her hair and put on a little perfume after she�d gotten off the phone. She wasn�t sure what to do now� Her mind, her body and her heart were all pulling her different ways. She didn�t know how she felt about Joel. She didn�t know how she felt about Simon. Joel was so sweet and sexy, yet so adorable all at the same time. He always made her feel good and Cicily knew that, despite how their relationship started, there was something underneath all of their fast paced lust. On the other hand, with Simon, she only felt smothered and almost scared about her future. She felt secure with him, yet at the same time, she felt unhappy. It scared her to think that there was a chance that Simon would be the guy she married. She was beginning to wonder who she really loved. She had to talk to Joel. She had to know how he felt. Cicily hoped that when he came over, they could have a nice, long talk. She just wanted to know what he though, and how he felt about this whole situation. What had once been a one-night stand had turned into a few week long affair�and something deep inside her didn�t want it to stop once Simon came home.
Cicily leaned back, her stomach suddenly turning to knots. She took a few deep breaths and then she heard a loud knock on her door. Joel.
Getting up, Cicily slowly shuffled toward the door. She opened it quickly, and couldn�t help but bite her lip.
�Hey.� Joel said, looking at her with his gentle, playful brown eyes. She smiled, her stomach slowly relaxing. She couldn�t take her eyes away from him.
�Hi.� She said, opening the door wider so he could come in. Joel slipped in past her, his arm and side brushing up against her sides. Cicily swallowed hard, breathing in the subtle scent of his cologne and whatever soap he used. He was wearing a plain gray hoodie and old chucks with worn pants. She had to hold back the sudden urge to grab him and just hug him.
�Were you going to bed?� He asked, looking at her pajamas. Cicily smiled and shook her head.
�No, I was just watching movies.� She pulled gently at her pajama pants then reached over and tugged at the strings on his hoodie.
�Were you going to bed?� She asked, taking a step toward him. Joel looked down at her, his arms hanging loosely at his sides. She reached forward and gently pressed her hands against his strong, warm chest. The material of his hoodie was well worn and soft and slightly wet from the rain falling outside.
�Well�I do believe that�s why I came over here.� He said after a second, a tiny smile sliding onto his lips. Cicily smiled, despite the underlying disappointment of realizing that maybe Joel really did only think of her as a friend �with benefits�. She sighed, resisting the urge to bite her lip and shrink away into her bedroom. Taking his hands, she led him into the family room and pushed him back onto the couch.
�Maybe we should talk.� She suggested. Joel frowned for a second, his eyebrows furrowed. He leaned back on her overstuffed couch and spread out
. �Ok, let�s talk.� He said. Cicily sat down next to him and turned so she could face him. He looked at her, his soft salmon pink lips beckoning for her to touch them�kiss them. She closed her eyes for a second and tried hard to gather her thoughts.
�Cicily�� Joel whined softly, he leaned forward and rested his hand on her knee. Cicily glanced down, staring at his hand. His soft, yet rough, long fingers and the way the veins made the skin on the back of his hand slightly unlevel in some places. She reached down and put her hand on top of his, running her fingertips over the tops of his larger hand. He leaned forward and kissed her, his lips urgent yet calm at the same time. He tasted like a mixture of toothpaste and something sweet, Cicily wasn�t sure what. Joel leaned closer to her, his lips pressed soft, then hard against hers. His hand slowly moved up her thigh, and even over the material, he was sending shockwaves up and down her sides and middle. She was very quickly forgetting what she wanted to talk to him about.
Joel leaned closer, his lips all over hers. He reached down and yanked his sweatshirt up and over his head.
�I missed you.� He said softly, and then leaned back in. His steady hands moved quickly to her top and slipped under the soft material. Cicily pressed against him, her hands running over his bare skin, as if searching for something. Her hands found his shoulders and she pulled him down on top of her. Joel reached down and slipped his hands down the waistband of her pants. He quickly slid them down her hips and then completely off. He mumbled something as he hurriedly kicked off his jeans, but Cicily didn�t make it out. She was too busy kissing every bare place she could find. His collarbone, his neck� kissing him in the little place where she knew exactly how to make him smile and shudder.
�Joel�� His name came rolling off her lips, and she couldn�t stop it. Cicily pulled him closer, wrapping her legs around his thighs. It had been five days since she�d last seen Joel and now her whole body ached for him.
�Mmm�god�� He groaned, gripping her hips with his hands, pulling her closer to him. She pushed against him and fumbled with his boxers. � We should do this more often.� He said in light hearted tone. She moaned in reply as she ran her hands down his back and spine. His muscles were hard and smooth against her fingertips. She noticed, while kissing his chest wherever she could, that he had a bruise on his shoulder.
�What�s this?� She asked, gently touching it. He stopped kissing her long enough to look at what she was pointing at. He smiled.
�One of the guys at the shop punched me.� He laughed. She smiled, shaking her head. Arching her neck, she leaned up and kissed the bruise, her lips lingering on his skin. When she turned and looked at him, he was staring at her, his eyes intense. Neither of them moved for a minute and Cicily wasn�t sure what to do. He was looking at her as if she�d just saved his life.
�What?� She asked softly. He swallowed and then looked away, his dark eyes revealing nothing. He reached down and slid her shirt halfway up her stomach.
�Me and Leann are over for good.� He said, slowly brushing his fingers down her sides. Cicily swallowed, not sure how to take this news.
�Really?� She asked, closing her eyes. Joel was quiet for a minute, but his fingers kept moving. She felt him kiss her stomach and then slowly take her shirt off.
�Yea.� He said. � I think she kinda knew about us. I mean, not specifically about us, but she knew was I seeing some one else. It made her mad. She asked me about it and I told her we were just sleeping together, nothing else.� He said. Cicily opened her eyes, staring at the ceiling.
�Nothing else.� She said under her breath.
�Huh?� Joel asked. He leaned down and brushed his fingers gently, slowly over her breasts. Cicily sat up slightly and brushed him away. She suddenly remembered what they were supposed to talk about.
�I can't.� She said, grabbing the quilt from the back of the sofa. She pulled it infront of her and pushed Joel away, pulling her knees up to her chest.
�What�what�s wrong? What�s going on?� He asked, sitting up. She sighed, not sure what to say. Pushing her blond hair from her face and shaking her head, his words kept rolling around in her mind.
�Is this the only reason you came over?� She asked. Joel looked confused.
�What?�
�This. Me�no, not me. Sex. Is sex the only reason you come to see me?� She asked. The words felt good to get out and she was surprised she�d had the courage to say them. Joel looked surprised too. He didn�t answer right away and Cicily couldn�t help but feel discouraged and hurt. She sighed softly and went to stand up.
�Cicily, wait.� Joel said. He grabbed her arm and pulled her back down to the couch. She licked her lips and turned to him.
�I know�this is supposed to be casual and�carefree or whatever, Joel. But, lately, I just�its been meaning more to me than that. So much that�I don�t know if I�ll be able to go back to the way things were.� She said.
�The way things were?� He asked.
�Simon and me. Me and Simon. Me being unhappy and mistreated and�forgotten. And hating sex and hating everything about being with someone� I don�t want that again and I don�t deserve that.� She said, pulling the blanket closer. Joel looked unsure about what to say for a second, his face not giving away anything.
�You�re right, Cic. You don�t deserve to be mistreated or unhappy��
�But don�t you see, Joel? I feel�the same way when I�m with you.� She said. The words were hot and not what she had expected to say, but they were exactly what she had wanted, deep down, to say. He frowned and shook his head.
�What do you mean?�
�I mean�� She sighed. � I mean that I love being with you. When we first met there was something between us that just doesn�t happen on a daily basis. The first time we were together, I felt like something had changed inside of me. But really, it was just that I hadn�t felt that way about another person in so long. I was used to being ignored and neglected and unappreciated�� She sighed. Her heart was racing again, and pounding hard against her chest. The room seemed a lot bigger and colder suddenly, and they were both overly aware of the pounding of the pouring rain outside. Joel sat still for a few seconds, her words sinking in.
�Do you even care?� She said after a minute, her voice defeated as she suddenly realized she�d spilled her heart out to a boy who couldn�t care less. Cicily bit her lip and slowly started standing up again.
�Cic, wait.� Joel said. He stood up and took her arm, pulling her back toward the couch.
�Maybe you should just go.� She whispered, not looking him in the eyes. Joel sighed.
�Can I at least�explain?� He asked. Outside it thundered loudly, and it made her jump slightly. Joel gave her a little half smile and then patted the seat next to him. �Come on, sit, please.� He asked. She hesitated but then sat down. He turned to her and opened his mouth, then shut it again.
��I�m sorry I�m dumping this on you.� She whispered. He held up his hand for her to stop and he shook his head.
�No�no�� He said. � I�I haven�t been totally honest with you, either.� He said. Cicily frowned and she suddenly felt a little apprehensive.
�Haven�t been honest?� She asked. He nodded.
�About me and Leann.� He said. Cicily blinked hard. She wasn�t sure what he was going to say, but she already felt tears pushing hard to be released. Joel reached forward and took her hand in his, rubbing his thumb over the palm of her hand.
�What��
�I thought I was in love with her. So, we dated for a long time and�we held back for awhile on getting physical and stuff. I still thought I was in love with her now, even after we started�sleeping together. But�I don�t know. Something was missing. And I guess I thought it was something with me�something wrong with me,� Joel shook his head. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. � Fuck.� He muttered under his breath. � Cicily, then I met you and�it was so different than Leann. But I was so scared to get close to you�I didn�t want to get so attached to you like I did to Leann and then realize that what we had was completely wrong, for both of us. It makes no sense, but I figured�me and you�had something so�strong together that I wanted to keep myself as distant from you as possible. I didn�t want to lose what we had because there was something�wrong with me.� Joel�s voice was soft and he kept rubbing his thumb back and forth over her hand. Cicily was almost speechless for a few minutes. She hadn�t expected that at all. Her heart started pounding against her ribcage.
�You� you do want to be with me?� She finally whispered.