I'm Sorry, I'm Leaving.
Chapter 6
By: Sarah
Cicily glanced at her watch. It was a little after nine and Joel would be getting there any minute.
� Ang?� She called out, her voice echoing through the dimly lit apartment.
� Yea?� Ang asked, stepping into Cicily�s room. She had on a little spaghetti strapped black dress. Cicily raised her eyebrow, giving her friend a wondering look.
� Don�t you look nice.� Cicily said. Angie smiled and twirled around.
� You think? I hope William likes it.� She said, reaching up and passing her fingers through her curled blond hair.
� He�d like you even if you were wearing a brown bag.� Cicily smiled. Angie laughed.
� We�ve been getting really serious lately.� She said, leaning against the doorframe.
� I�ve noticed. You�ve hardly been home.�
� He got mad that I went out with James the other night. I told Will that I thought we were just�you know, casually dating. And right there, on the spot, Will told me he wanted to be exclusive.� Angie smiled brightly. Cicily smiled and for some reason, a little pang of jealousy hit her. She wished she could be as excited over a relationship. She didn�t even know what she could call Joel. �And Will is so amazing, too, Cic. Unlike any other guy I�ve dated. He�s so sweet and�just incredible. In every way. I feel like I�m floating when I�m around him.� Angie gushed, her smile infectious.
� I�m so happy for you, Ang.� Cicily said after a second, trying to clear her mind of Joel.
� I�m happy for you too.� Angie said, smoothing out her dress. Cicily tilted her head to the side, unsure about what her friend was talking about.
� Huh?�
� You and Joel.�
� Me and Joel? There is no��
� Well maybe there should be.� Angie cut in. Cicily frowned.
� I don�t think that�s what he wants. I don�t even know what I want.� Cicily said. Angie scoffed, shaking her head.
� You want Joel. It�s obvious. You are always talking about him. I haven�t seen you this happy in god knows how long� And geez, Cic, you guys had sex in his office. You can�t tell me that didn�t mean anything.�
� I didn�t say it meant nothing. I just don�t know how he feels. I really don�t think he�s as�involved as I am, I guess. I mean, he has a girlfriend.�
� You have a boyfriend.�
� I think�I want him as my boyfriend.� Cicily groaned and buried her face in her hands. Ang sighed softly, walked over and sat down next to Cicily. She threw her arm around her and squeezed her gently.
� Why don�t you tell him.�
� I don�t even know him.�
� You could get to know him.�
� He�s a guy. He�s just in it for the ass.� She groaned. Angie laughed, despite herself.
� If Joel really is worth going after, then he�s not just in it for the ass.� She said. Cicily nodded. She sat up straight and brushed her wavy hair from her eyes.
� Don�t you have to get going?� She asked, glancing at the clock. Angie smiled and nodded.
� You going to be ok?� She asked. Cicily nodded and climbed off the bed, checking the mirror to make sure her makeup was ok.
� I hope.� She said. Angie nodded and climbed off the bed.
� Ok, well I�m off to see Will. If Joel is mean, kick him in the balls and then kick him out.� Angie laughed. Cicily smiled and nodded.
� Let�s hope that doesn�t happen.� She laughed.
Cicily groaned and laid back on the sofa. It was nearly 9:30 and Joel was half an hour late. She kept glancing at the clock every two minutes. She felt ridiculous. She�d been stood up. Sighing, she pulled herself off the sofa and walked unhappily to her room. She yanked her jeans off and replaced them with comfy pajama pants.
� Time to break out the Ben and Jerrys.� She sighed, walking toward the kitchen. Just as she opened the freezer, she heard a loud knock on her door. She froze, not sure what she wanted to do. Reluctantly, she closed the freezer and ambled over to the door.
� Hey.� She said, opening the door. Joel stood on the other side, an apologetic smile on his face. He was wearing a simple gray hoodie and jeans. He had a pizza in his hand.
� I�m really sorry, Cic. I thought I�d get us a pizza and�the guy said it would be fifteen minutes and it turned out to be thirty.� He said. Cicily smiled despite herself, and opened the door for him to come. He smiled and walked in.
� Glad you came when you did. I was just about to commit suicide in a carton of Ben and Jerry�s.� She smiled. Joel laughed, setting down the pizza.
� Ice cream and pizza is a great combo.� He smiled his goofy, sweet smile. He pointed at the pizza as he sat down on the sofa. � I know you�re on that stupid diet�but I figured, you could cheat just this once, right? I mean�just a little pizza.� He smiled. Cicily laughed and walked over and sat down next to him, handing him napkins and a paper plate. She pulled her knees up to her chest and faced him, watching him as he dug into the pizza. He smelled good- like fresh basil and tomato sauce.
� Come on, eat.� He said, handing her a piece. She sighed and gave in, taking a bite. Joel was definitely the closest thing she had to a weakness. � Good, eh?� He smiled. She nodded, and smiled.
� I was going to get mad and scream at you for being late, but now I guess I�ll let it slide.� She smiled. He laughed and nodded.
� Sounds good.� He looked around the apartment, which was lighted with dim lamps and candles. � This is a great place.� He said. She smiled.
� Thanks.� She wondered if his girlfriend, Leann, knew he was there. Cicily set her pizza down and leaned over and kissed him softly on the cheek. He smiled and looked over at her, catching her hands in his.
� You look amazing.� He smiled. Cicily laughed, shaking her head.
� Oh yes, pajamas are just so flattering.� She smiled. He nodded and leaned forward, kissing her softly.
� On you, yes.� He said. He leaned in to kiss her again, but Cicily turned her head slightly.
� How serious are you and Leann?� She asked after a second. Joel looked taken aback by this and for a second he just looked at her. He licked his lips and shrugged.
� We were pretty serious for a while, but lately, who knows. I hardly see her and when I do, we fight. She knows I see other people. I know she sees other people.� He said. Cicily nodded, satisfied with his answer. �What about you and your boyfriend.� He asked. Cicily shrugged.
� Simon�I don�t know. We used to be�really involved. But lately, I just�I don�t think he hardly even cares about me. I feel like more of a nuisance or even just an ornament for his arm at parties.� She sighed. Joel frowned.
� Why do you put up with that then?� He asked. Cicily closed her eyes.
� It�s not like I have any other options.� She said, her voice quiet. Joel didn�t say anything for a second and Cicily slowly opened her eyes. He was staring directly at her, his dark eyes burning into her.
� You have a lot of options.� He said softly. Cicily nodded and looked away.
� Let�s not talk about this.� She said. She turned back to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down towards her.
Cicily collapsed onto Joel, her chest pressing hard against his. He was breathing heavily underneath her and her ragged breaths were nearly matching his. He stretched out, pressing against the sofa.
� Oh god, you kill me.� He groaned. Cicily laughed and leaned down, kissing him softly on the shoulder. His muscles were hot and damp against her lips, and she felt him move underneath her as he tried to get comfortable. She lifted her head slightly, resting her chin on his chest.
� You are pretty amazing.� She smiled as she felt him take her fingers in his.
� I could say the same about you.� He nodded, looking at her. His hair was messy, dark and chaotic around his face. He looked at the clock and then back at Cicily. � When does your boyfriend get back?� He asked. Cicily cringed at the mention of him.
� In about 10 days.� She said, looking at Joel. He nodded, stretching his arms out behind his head.
� Are you going to tell him about this?� He asked. Cicily swallowed hard, not sure how to answer. Joel smiled and sat up slightly, making Cicily sit up too.
� No, I don�t think so.� She said.
� You love him.� Joel said as more of a statement than a question. Cicily sighed and sat up, pulling the blanket off the back of the couch and draping it over her body.
� Yea.�
� But I thought he treated you like crap.� Joel said. Cicily frowned.
� What does it matter to you?� She asked, pulling her knees up to her chest. Joel shrugged and sighed, annoyed that she was getting so defensive.
� Well, I guess it doesn�t matter.� He said, grabbing his boxers from the floor. Cicily sighed, rubbing her forehead.
� I�m sorry, I just�� She sighed. Joel nodded, pulling them on. He sat back down and looked at her, his soft brown eyes were understanding and gentle. Her heart lurched, wishing she could call him her own.
� It�s ok�I mean, me and Leann are probably gonna get back together soon anyway.� He shrugged. He reached up and unsuccessfully tried to smooth out his unruly hair. Cicily nodded.
� That�s good.� She forced a smile. She wished she could read his mind.
� Yea, it is.� He said. He grabbed his pants from the floor and stood up, slipping them up his legs. Cicily sat up and reached out slightly for him.
� Hey, you don�t have to go.� She said, holding out her hand. Joel smiled and reached down and lightly kissed her hand.
� I do.� He said simply. She frowned and hesitated for a second.
� You could stay here�with me.� She said softly, unsure. She sort of knew she was over stepping the unspoken boundaries that they had set up around their �relationship�, but she didn�t care. She wanted to know what it felt like to wake up next to him. Joel turned and smiled at her, almost sympathetically. He grabbed his shirt off the back of the sofa.
� I would, Cic, but I know I shouldn�t.� He said softly. He pulled the shirt up and over his head and Cicily couldn�t help but watch the muscles move as he lifted his arms. She sighed and looked away, upset because she didn�t understand the new emotions she was feeling.
� Why not?� She asked, slightly pushing her luck. Joel sat down and put his shoes on. He looked at her, his _expression slightly surprised and quizzical.
� It�s just not a good idea.� He said. He finished tying his shoes and then leaned forward and took her face between his hands. She couldn�t help but feel completely safe yet completely unstable at the same time. His skin just did something to her that no one else could. � Cic, you�re an amazing girl�you know that. But�I thought we knew�I thought�we had an understanding that we weren�t going to get�you know�get too involved. You have a boyfriend, I have a girlfriend. I love sleeping with you�you�re awesome, but�that�s all it is right? I mean�just sex�� He said. She nodded and gently pulled away from his hands, avoiding his eyes.
� Yea, just sex.� She said, trying hard to keep her voice from getting shaky. � I just didn�t want you to have to drive home so late at night.� She said, forcing a smile. Joel smiled and nodded, gently rubbing her arm.
� That�s sweet, Cic. But I�ll be fine. It�s not so late. I really want to see you again. So I�ll call you, right?� He said, standing up from the edge of the sofa and walking toward the door. Cicily nodded, despite the fact that she was getting more and more upset by the minute. She got up and followed him to the door.
� Yea, call me if you want.� She nodded. He nodded and turned around and kissed her softly on the lips. She yearned for more, but settled for the soft touch of his lips.
� I�ll call.� He said with a half smile before disappearing out the door. Cicily sighed, leaning against the closed door.
� Shit.� She cursed under her breath. Things weren�t going as she had planned anymore.