So Far Away
Chapter 9
By: Sarah
The next day went by in a blur. I was supposed to meet Nate at one thirty, but I didn�t get there until two. I just found it so hard to get out of bed, knowing how things had been left with Benji. I knew they would stay that way, too. Had I done the right thing? Chosen Nate over Benji just because it wasn�t the right time? Because I was scared�
� Hey Nic.� Nate said, waving his hands in front of my face. I looked up and smiled. We�d been sitting in a little diner for a half an hour and I doubt I�d said more than five things. My voice just didn�t seem to be working.
� Hi.� I smiled apologetically.
� You are unbelievably quiet.� He said, looking concerned.
� I didn�t sleep much.� I said. I didn�t sleep much because I kept hearing Benji�s voice in my head. �You told me you were in love with me.� His voice kept repeating over and over. Nate nodded and then looked at me with his blue, stormy eyes. He wanted to tell me something. I felt it.
� Nic�we need to talk.� He said slowly, like I was stupid and didn�t understand him. I nodded, not moving. Everything inside of me ached.
� Ok.� I said, quietly. He rubbed his hands together nervously.
� I. Think. We. Need. To. See. Other. People.� His words seemed to come out in slow-motion. His voice was even deeper and quieter than normal and he took my hands in his, looking at me with his huge, crystal blue eyes. I didn�t even move or say anything. I was in too much shock. Everything just seemed frozen in time. Was this actually happening?
� Why?� I said finally.
� I don�t know�I just�I�m moving to California and� Nic. I just think it�s the right thing to do.� He said nodding. He gave me a little smile, like he was actually Happy he was doing this. I didn�t say anything, I only nodded, and grabbed my bag.
�Ok.� I said. I just kept repeating �Ok� over and over again. He started saying something to me, but I ignored him.
� Nic, I�m moving so far away and�� I tried to block his voice out. I just grabbed my stuff and practically ran out of the diner. I didn�t want excuses or reasons. I just wanted my friends back.
I drove home without crying. I was so calm I was even scaring myself. My hands were shaking though. They wouldn�t stop shaking. I couldn�t keep them still. I walked into my apartment feeling numb all over.
Farah was sitting at the kitchen table when I got home, eating cereal. She took one look at me and nearly dropped her spoon on the floor.
� Nic?� She said quietly, standing up. I dropped my bag on the table and turned, walked into my room and lay down on my bed. She followed me, reaching down and hugging me. �What happened?� She whispered. We both knew that she already knew.
� I�ve managed to screw up the most important relationships in my life.� I said quietly. She shook her head, hugging me tighter.
� It�s ok, Nic. It�ll be ok. I�m sure everything will be ok with Nate.� She soothed.
� I don�t want Nate, Farah. I don�t care about Nate. I just want Benji back. I only want Benji back.� I whispered. She nodded, understanding. I stared at the phone, wishing it would ring. Wishing it would be Benji on the phone, telling me that he was coming home now. Telling me he was coming home so he could hug me and we could pretend to watch Star Wars together, though we really just wanted an excuse to sit next to each other on the couch.
� Nic, you didn�t get any sleep last night. Why don�t you take a nap?� She asked. I nodded, sighing.
� Will you put some music on for me? Maybe some Juliana Theory?� I asked, closing my eyes.
� Yea, just relax.� She whispered. I buried my face into my pillow and took a few deep breaths. I heard Farah leave the room and a second later the CD started.
� Hey, NIC! This is a new song I just started�err�wrote, yea. I hope you like it. It�s called Sugar.� I opened my eyes. I knew that voice. I knew that voice better than my own. It was Benji�s voice. Since when was he in the Juliana Theory? I thought for a second before realizing that it was that CD he�d made me almost two weeks ago. I had never listened to it.
�We�ve been through so much together.
Through the rough times and the fun times
I know I�m never the kind of person you want me to be
But I want to let you know you�re everything to me
So now I want to tell you something
Though I�m not sure how to word it
I don�t want to end up giving my heart away
If it means that you�ll give it back someday
Please don�t make me hold this inside anymore
I feel n fire when you are around, you burn me up
I wouldn�t sing that song for you, I know
But I would if it meant that all my heart would show
So now I want to tell you something
Though I�m not sure how to word it
I don�t want to end up giving my heart away
If it means that you�ll give it back someday
Now he�s around and you�re not
I had my chance I know, and I blew it
But I�m hoping that somewhere in the stars
Our fates are tied together
You may be falling now
But I promise to be the one
Who will catch you.�
Needless to say, I didn�t get much sleep that night either. I sat down at the kitchen table, sighing. It had been a month. One whole month. I hadn�t seen or talked to Benji in a whole month. It felt weird not having him around, not having him in my life. I missed him so much.
� Have you talked to Benji?� I asked Maygen. She hesitated, as if she were afraid to tell me. I grabbed an orange from the basket in the middle of the table and slowly started peeling it, waiting for her answer.
� Well�yea. I talked to him a week ago.� She said. My heart fell. Why hadn�t he called me? I was just sort of wishing he had disappeared off the face of the earth because then at least, he�d have a reason for not calling. But no, he was still here. And he had just chosen not to call.
� What�d he say?� I asked, staring at the bright orange peelings.
� Umm�.he�s doing ok. I think the guys have been partying a lot, so he has like, a perpetual hangover. He says all the shows have been great and�he misses you a lot.� I looked up, surprised.
� He said that?� I asked, trying to hide the excitement in my voice.
� Yea. But�don�t get too excited.� She said. I frowned.
� Why?�
� He�s been hanging out with a lot of�people.� She said, choosing her words carefully. I could tell it was just so she didn�t hurt me.
� He told you this?� I asked. She shook her head.
� Joel.�
� Oh.� I nodded, digging into the orange flesh. So he was just sleeping around with a lot of people? That was ok�right? I blew my chance with him, all for Nate. And of course, then Nate broke up with me. It was Benji�s life he was free to do whatever he wanted.
� Nic�don�t be upset, ok? I mean, Benji�also said that you hurt him a lot.� She said quietly. My excitement fell. I knew I deserved that. I had been pretty horrible to him.
� Oh, god, Mayg�� I sighed. She patted my hand.
� If you talk to him�he will talk to you. He�s not going to bite your head off�� She said, trying to comfort me. It wasn�t helping. I had never meant to hurt him. I was just so confused.
� I don�t know. Things are never going to be the same.�