So Far Away
Chapter 8
By: Sarah
It was cold out that night. Not really cold, more chilly. The air was warm but the breeze was cool and nippy. The sky was a dark blue, with white and silver stars highlighting the sky. It looked as if someone had carelessly thrown them about, but in the process, made something that had such untouchable beauty. I took Benji�s coat from him and wrapped it around my shoulders, leaning up against the cold cement stairs outside of my apartment building.
� These kind of nights�they seem so surreal to me.� He said. I stared up at the sky, letting myself get lost. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him glance at me. For some reason I kept being reminded of that night that he kissed me at Ten Car. I wondered if he still thought about it. I felt so uncomfortable. Nothing had turned out like it should have.
� Surreal? Why?� I said. My voice sounded weird, as if it weren�t connected to my body. As if it were floating up to where the stars hung lazily in the sky.
� Yea�well-like it�s not really happening. Like tomorrow when I wake up, I�ll remember that this was all just a dream.� I realized I had been holding my breath. I closed my eyes, afraid if I kept them open I wouldn�t be able to breathe. I took a deep breath and the cool air was a shock to my lungs.
� It does kinda feel like that.� I said, my voice so close to cracking. I felt his eyes on me, like he was trying to see through me. I didn�t dare return the look. I couldn�t even bring myself to glance at him. We sat in silence for a few minutes, it was so quiet I could hear him breathing. In, out. In, out.
� Are you going to miss me?� He asked suddenly, pulling at blades of grass that were growing out of the crack in the sidewalk. I forced myself to look at him. His eyes burned into me, through me.
He was asking if I was going to miss him while he was away, on tour. He was going to leave for three months, though he�d be back somewhere in there when they played D.C. and Baltimore. Three months was such a long time. It really scared me. Benji was leaving tomorrow and one day after that, Nate was leaving. I was going to be so alone. Deep down I knew I�d miss him more than I could ever say. More than I could even ever fathom. Life without him seemed full of holes, holes where I lost little pieces of myself, minute by minute, hour by hour. I let his words sink into my head for a second, not replying. I think it made him nervous, so I opened my mouth.
� Yea, I guess.� I whispered. I don�t know why I didn�t tell him what was on my mind. How could I? I couldn�t speak my mind. How could I tell him that I might still have feelings for him? Then, there was also Nate. And I really think that I was falling for him too. He was so sweet and caring.
We sat in silence again, neither of us knowing what to do, or say. I looked over at him and caught his eye. � I don�t want this just to be a dream.� I said finally. I had had enough dreams in my life�it was time for something real. He smiled. That slow smile that was both disconnected yet friendly and warm at the same time.
� How about something real then? But something so great that it�s like a dream?� He asked, pulling a leaf off the ground. I smiled then, realizing everything would be ok. I reached over and hugged him tightly. I could feel his heart beating near mine.
� Don�t forget me?� I asked, taking a minute to memorize the way his arms felt against me. I didn�t know how long it would be before I felt him against me again.
� I�ll try.� He said, letting go and giving me another slow smile. I smiled, happy that I had the old Benji back.
The wind blew harder and my hair blew in front of my eyes. He slipped off the stairs and I followed. The dry, crisp leaves crunching loudly beneath our feet while the air smelled clean and cool.
Before he walked into the building, I grabbed his hand. I would never forget his hands and the way they felt.
� Don�t let anyone break your strings.� I said, a little smile forming on my lips. The words sat on my tongue, begging to be spoken, but knowing that they never would be. The timing wasn�t right. It would never be right.
� Yea, Nic.� He said and gave me a quick smile. He hesitated for a second, opened his mouth and then sighed.
� What is it?� I asked, knowing he wanted to tell me something. He rubbed his hands through his already messy, windblown hair.
� I�� He took my hand in his. � Remember that horrible night that we went to go see Krank and I kissed you and I was drunk and I puked outside that diner?� He asked. I swallowed. Why was he bring this up? I suddenly had huge flashbacks of the fight that I�d had with Jordan a few weeks ago. When she�d lied to me.
� Yea.� I nodded, finally speaking. He swallowed, looking away for a second.
� Well, remember how when you went home that night�Joel called you? And you were drunk and stuff.� He said. My stomach dropped to my feet. Was this the only thing that anyone could talk about anymore?
� Yea, I remember that.� I nodded.
� That wasn�t Joel, Nic. That was me. That was me that you talked to.� He said slowly, his eyes gazing steadily into mine. That was not what I had expected. I let his words sink into my head for a minute, the wind picking up.
Jordan had been telling the truth.
�What?!� I said, not being able to hide the panic in my voice.
� Yea, Nic� I�m sorry. I really am. But�.� He took my hands, holding them close. � Nic, listen, please. Ever since you started hanging out with Nate and seeing him�I mean�I never thought about this until a little while ago. But, Nic, I think�I think I might be falling in love with you.� He whispered. His words were carried by the wind straight into me. Was he FUCKING serious?
�What�� I said, shaking my head. Tears starting spilling down my cheeks. All this time he had known? No! That couldn�t be right! He had been so mean to me and just�acted like normal Benji. There was no way that he could have known. I started shaking and I yanked my hands from him, wiping my tears. Jordan had been telling me the truth the whole time. I started shaking all over. I couldn�t keep still.
� Nic�please�� He said, his face begging. I had never seen him look like that, completely helpless and scared.
� You�what are you talking about?!� I said, my voice angry. � Don�t lie to me, Benji. That�s not fair! I talked to JOEL, not You!� I said, crying. He shook his head, disagreeing.
� Nic, I know��
� NO, you listen, BENJI! Don�t fucking play with me! I talked to Joel and he told me�he told me it was him!� I said gasping for air. He shook his head.
� Nic, I told him not to tell you. I didn�t want you to find out from anyone but me.� He said quietly. I was so mad though. I was so tired of being lied to and fucked around with.
� Benji�� I couldn�t talk, I was gasping for air through sobs. He reached forward, but I took a step back. My whole world was crumbling before me. � BENJI! I finally found something GOOD! Something great! Someone who treats me great and�.you have to come around and�.don�t fucking tell me that you�re falling in love with me! Don�t lie to me, Benji!� I screamed at him, my throat burning.
� No, Nic, no I wouldn�t lie to you! Nic, it was me, Suga, it was me, I swear. You told me you were in love with me.� He said, walking after me. I brushed past him. How could he do this? HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?! I turned to him, his words burning themselves into my ears.
� Benji. I�m going out with Nate. I�m seeing Nate.� I said, looking him in the eye.
� Who are you trying to convince, Nic? Me or you?!� He yelled back. He took me by the shoulders, pulling me close. He puts his hands on my face, pulling me only a few inches from him. His eyes were so intense, I felt them burning me. � I don�t want to lose you, Nic. I don�t want to pretend that I don�t know, anymore. I don�t want to pretend that I�m not falling for you, because I am. You are so incredible. I wouldn�t say it if I didn�t mean it.� He was breathless, holding my face inches from his. His hands were soft yet rough, his thumbs rubbing my cheeks slowly.
� I�� I couldn�t talk.
� What can I say to make you believe me?� he asked. I was in shock. I pulled away from his warms arms and nearly ran back to my apartment building. �NIC! Please!!! Tell me, what can I do?!� He asked. I turned, looked at him for what I had a feeling might be the last time.
� Do a cover of �Just Like Heaven�.� I said quietly, then turned and disappeared into the building.