So Far Away
Chapter 3
By: Sarah
I think my feet were glued to the ground. I couldn�t walk. I couldn�t move. What just happened? I licked my lips, slowly. I tasted Benji. Swallowing hard, I blinked and tried to clear my eyes. Why was my vision so blurry?
� NIC!� I heard someone call me, but I couldn�t move. My head was spinning and I felt like I was being smothered.
� Nic!� I saw someone in front of me, but I couldn�t tell who it was. They reached up and took me by the shoulders. I wiped my eyes, trying to focus.
� Benji?� I whispered.
� No, it�s Joel, Nic. Are you ok? Are you ok?� He asked, shaking my lightly. I wiped my eyes again. Tears? I wasn�t crying though!
� I�m fine.� I said, pulling away.
� You�re crying.� He pointed out. I wiped my eye, harder. I licked my lips again, which seemed to have suddenly become dry. I still tasted him. He was just lingering on my lips.
� Joel�take me home�� I asked, looking up at him with pleading eyes. I couldn�t bear to face anyone. I didn�t want any questions. Benji hated me�he was repulsed by me.
� Nic�tell me what happened.� He asked, pulling me into a hug. I didn�t hug him back. I didn�t want to catch myself wishing it were Benji.
� JOEL!� Someone yelled. We both looked up. It was Maygen. She must have seen my tear streaked face because she came running over, and nearly grabbed me out of Joel�s arms, hugging me tight.
� Nic? What happened?!� She asked, worried and frantic. I shook my head, sniffling. God, I�m such a baby.
� I just need to go home. It�s been a bad day.� I said. She nodded, taking my arm and leading me toward the door. I turned to Joel. � Benji�s somewhere, Joel. You gotta find him.� I asked. Joel nodded, and headed off in the other direction.
� Did BENJI do something?� Maygen said in a loud whisper. I was glad the music wasn�t so loud anymore. Between my heart and my head there was enough pounding going on. I looked at Maygen and sighed.
� He kissed me.� I said quietly, following her out to Joel�s car.
� Oh.� She breathed, not really saying much. I guessed she knew that it must have turned out bad if I was crying about it. I was glad she didn�t ask anything more. I didn�t need salt in the wound. � Joel will take you home, ok Nic? You�ll be fine.� She said soothingly.
� Tell Nate�that I�ll just talk to him later ok?� I asked as I saw Joel jogging toward us. I looked around for Benji, but didn�t see him.
� Come on Nic.� He said, opening his car door. I looked up at the sky and realized for the first time that there were about a million stars in the sky.
� Wait�� I said. I didn�t want to go home so I could sit there and mope and rehash everything that had just happened. � I�m coming with you guys.� I said. Maygen hugged me lightly around the shoulders just as Nate walked up.
� You guys ready?� Nate said, his keys jingling as he shuffled them around in his hands. He looked around as if he were looking for someone that was missing. � Where�s that other dude, Benji?� He asked, looking around nonchalantly. My question exactly.
We rode in silence for a few minutes, mostly because I could hardly think straight. What was I going to do once we got to Moxley�s? Just sit near Benji and pretend? Maybe it wasn�t as big a deal as I was making it? Just a kiss right? Friends can kiss each other. But I knew I was lying to myself. It hadn�t just been a little friendly kiss. His fucking tongue was in my mouth.
I imagined that someone drove Benji�s car for him, probably Maygen because she didn�t ride with Joel and me. Joel reached over and turned down the Mest CD that had been blaring.
� You don�t have to go.� He said, glancing at me. � I can take you home, Nic, it�s no problem. You don�t have to be super girl all the time.� I shrugged, shivering.
� Can you turn the heat on?� I asked, avoiding his question.
� It�s broken.� Joel frowned, playing with the dials. � Nic, what happened?� He asked, confused. I realized that I still had Benji�s sweatshirt around my shoulders. I was afraid to put it on.
� Joel, am I repulsive?� I asked. I had known Joel just as long as I had known Benji, so I knew he would tell me the truth. I waited for him to tell me that, �Yea, I�m sorry, Nic, you are pretty ugly.�
� No, Nic. Why the hell would you think that?� He asked. He paused and then reached over, squeezing my hand, understanding. � When Benj is drunk, Nic, he says some shitty things sometimes-�
� Joel you know how I feel about him, right?� I interrupted him. Joel nodded.
� Yea.�
� Well, he kissed me.�
� Oh.�
� And then he said �Fuck� and walked away. He hates me.� I couldn�t help but feel depressed. I couldn�t help but want to crawl into a hole and stay there for a few�decades.
� Benji is a weird kid, Nic. I don�t�I KNOW he didn�t mean it.�
� What?! Kissing me or saying Fuck?�
� Um�� Joel didn�t know either. There was a silence in the car, except for the Mest song playing softly in the background. �So, do you think you know the way I feel? And do you think you feel the way I do?� I tried to stop listening to the lyrics. I didn�t want to cry anymore.
� What am I going to do?� I pleaded, speaking more to myself than Joel. We pulled up into Moxley�s parking lot. Joel stopped the car and turned off the engine.
� Talk to him.� He suggested. I nodded, slipping Benji�s warm yet worn in sweatshirt over my head. I could tell it was going to be a cold night.
---
I sat down slowly, sliding into the booth. Maygen slid in next to me and Joel followed. I glanced up and saw Benji, sitting directly across from me. Next to Benji was Nate, who was humming quietly.
� The show tonight rocked.� Joel said to Nate. Everyone was trying to ignore the tension that was hanging thick in the air. Benji wouldn�t even look up.
� Thanks, I thought we were going to totally-� I zoned out despite the fact that I really did want to listen to them. But listening to Nate and Joel blabber on about music was the last thing on my mind. I couldn�t help but focus on Benji. He looked horrible. His hair was matted against his head, he had huge bags under his eyes and he couldn�t seem to lift his head. I watched him for a few seconds as he played with the fork in front of him. He kept squinting and shaking his head, probably just the start of a horrible hangover.
� -but it all turned out good. You ok, Nic?� I looked up. Nate smiled at me, oblivious to everything that had happened at Ten Car.
� Um�� I started to respond, but then Benji finally looked up. He looked right at me, waiting for me to talk. My voice caught in my throat. � I�� I knew I sounded stupid, but I could hardly even breathe with Benji looking at me like that, let alone try and talk.
� Nic.� Maygen whispered. I looked over at her, bewildered.
� I�m fine.� I said, turning back and looking at Benji. But he was gone. �Shit.� I sighed, sliding out of the booth.
� Where�d he go?� I asked. He�d slipped away without making a noise. Nate looked at me, confused. I was sure Joel and Maygen would fill him in later.
� Out.� Joel shrugged, nodding toward the front door. I sighed and jogged out the door.
Benji was outside, sitting on the curb. It didn�t strike me until I was a foot away from him that he had been puking into the gutter.
� Benji.� I sighed, my mother instincts kicking in. He only groaned, hunched over and holding his stomach. I slowly walked over to him, not sure how he was going to react to me.
� You have any gum?� He asked in a scratchy voice. I nodded and pulling some out of my bag. I really wanted to just chuck it at his head, but I held back and just shoved it in his hand instead. I sat down on the curb next to him, wrapping myself in his sweatshirt.
� Hey, that�s mine.� He said, groaning and poking at the sweatshirt.
� So?� I asked, ignoring his whining. He looked up at me with his dark eyes pleading.
� I�m sorry.� He said.
� About what?� I asked, playing dumb.
� Spilling beer on you before.� He said. I sighed, disappointed. Didn�t he remember? My mind started racing. Suddenly though, he looked up at me. �No, I�m lying.� He said, coughing. � I�m sorry I kissed you.�
� Oh.� I breathed, barely audible. So he hadn�t meant to kiss me? It HAD been a complete accident?
� I mean, well�it was nice and all�� He said, seeming to have read my mind.
� Oh.�
� But you know...� He shrugged. � I�m drunk.� Like I didn�t know�
� Oh.�
� Ok.� He nodded. I was kind of mad now. He just didn�t understand did he? I wasn�t like the kind of girl he was used to being around. A kiss to me, especially a kiss like the one he�d laid on me, wasn�t just �no big deal�. I didn�t like how he was messing around with me, playing me like I was some disposable one night stand that he wouldn�t have to see tomorrow.
� Fuck you Benji.� I said, my voice quivering. I�d never been mad at him before, nothing serious at least. But now, I was steaming. I was hurting inside and adding in his indifference only changed my hurt to anger.
� W-What?!� He asked, alarmed.
� I said FUCK YOU!� I yelled, standing up. He stood up too, probably afraid I�d kick him in the head if he kept sitting. � You cant just�DO THAT! I don�t understand you! Goddamnit!� I screamed. I wanted to throw something at him so bad. � Getting drunk and�kissing me and then�What were you thinking? I�m not just some fucking groupie you can throw around and do whatever with�I just�� I groaned, throwing my hands up. He just stood there, staring at me as if he didn�t speak English. I just couldn�t get through to him. I knew if I wanted him to know I just had to tell him. But I couldn�t. Not while he stood there, drunk and smelling like puke. He wouldn�t remember probably.
� Nic, I�m sorry, ok? But I don�t fucking understand why you are getting so bent outta shape!� He exclaimed. I rubbed my forehead.
� No, you wouldn�t.� I said, throwing the gum wrapper at him and stomping back into the diner. He came back in twenty minutes later and we didn�t speak the rest of the night.
I dug around in my purse, searching for the five bucks I had put in there before I�d left. I thought I had put it there� I�d only gotten fries and a drink, so at least if I could find a few dollars stashed somewhere I�d be ok.
� Nic�� Maygen was whispering my name. Since I was smashed next to Joel, who was rapidly talking about something stupid, we had to lean back to see each other. She leaned in, stretching over Joel�s back.
� What?� I asked, still digging through my purse.
� Will you take Benj home tonight?� She asked. I frowned, blinking.
�What?!� I almost screamed it, but I remembered Benji was sitting just across the table. I didn�t think he could hear us though.
� I want Joel to sleepover my house, please, Nic? Please?!� She said, her eyes begging. I took a deep breath. A twenty-minute car ride with Benji after everything that had just happened? Did Maygen really understand the severity of the favor she was asking me?
� Mayg�� I whined, as I thrashed things about in my purse. Where the fuck was my money?! � Can�t he drive himself home?!� I said through gritted teeth.
� NO! Nic, look at him! He�s trashed!� Maygen sighed. � Please, Nic! You know I wouldn�t ask you if I didn�t really, really need a night with Joel�please�� Maygen said. I felt those pangs of jealousy again, right in my chest. I wished I could say the same thing about Benji. I wish he was the one�.
� Where am I going to sleep since I won�t be going home?� I asked, sighing. I was giving in, I knew it.
� How about with Benji?� She said, a devilish grin spreading over her lips. I wanted to smack her, but instead I glanced at Benji, making sure he didn�t hear. He was off in his own world though, his eyes shut with one hand holding his head up and the other pulling lazily at his hair. � Sleep in Joel�s bed, Nic.� She said seriously. I groaned, rubbing my head.
� Lend me five bucks and I�ll do it.�
� Five bucks?� She asked.
� I forgot my money.� I said. She grinned broadly, knowing she had convinced me to take Benji home.
� I�ve got it.� I looked up. It was Benji. He pulled out his wallet and started pulling out money.
� No, Ben-� I started to protest.
� Just let him get it.� Maygen whispered loudly. I sighed and watched Benji push the money into the middle of the table with the rest of the cash.
� You guys ready? Let�s go.� Joel said, grabbing Maygen around the middle and making her giggle. I sighed, dragging my feet as we all started walking out of the diner. This had to be the worst night of my life. There was a huge possibility that whatever had happened with Benji would never be cleared up. The thought scared me. I couldn�t live without him in my life. I glanced at him. The harsh fluorescent lights streaming from the windows of the diner made him look pale green and horrible. I felt terrible for yelling at him earlier, but I couldn�t help it. He had made me so mad. He was so stupid, he just didn�t see. He�d never see.
I grabbed Benji�s car keys from Maygen and slowly made my way toward his car.
� Nic!� I turned to see Nate, jogging up to me. He flashed me a big smile.
� Hey.� I said with a friendly smile. I was tired and just wanted to leave, so I silently hoped he would talk quick.
� I was wondering if I could get your number, I thought we could hang out sometime.� He said. I was a bit surprised, to say the least. I looked up and saw Benji, leaning against the car door, staring at me impatiently.
� Yea, definitely, Nate.� I said, ignoring Benji. I scrawled my number onto Nate�s hand and hugged him lightly. � Sorry I was out of it tonight.� I whispered in his ear as I pulled away.
� Nah, it�s alright, you were great.� He smiled and then slowly walked away with a little wave. �Catch ya later, Nic.� He said. I smiled and then turned and walked over to Benji.
� Let�s go.� I sighed, yanking open the car door.