So Far Away
Chapter 1
By: Sarah

I didn�t know my life would turn out like this. That I�d be pining away for someone who may never realize that I was alive. I mean, yea, we would hang out, but I really don�t think he knew how deep my feelings went for him. Not until he went away, of course.

� I don�t have the kinda energy to fucking get up at 6 a.m. anymore. So this whole time we have off I�m getting up at noon, at the very fucking latest.� Benji said, then clapped his hand over him mouth. � Sorry, virgin ears.� He looked over at me and I smacked him in the arm. He was always saying things like that. I was only a year younger than him, but he always seemed to make it seem like more. I smiled and looked from Benji to his twin brother, Joel. They were so different. Benji was a little punk, with his wild pink chunk of hair in the front of his dark brown, almost black hair. He had his lip and his nose pierced, while his brother Joel, kept with his short dark hair and eyebrow piercing. They both had tattoos but I was pretty sure Benji�s outnumbered Joels. I don�t know what had attracted me to Benji in the first place. Sure, he was funny and in my opinion, incredibly sexy, but the thing is, he didn�t exactly treat me the greatest. I mean, it wasn�t that he wanted to be mean to me, it was just that he didn�t know that I really, really cared about him. We�d been friends for so long, that we naturally just picked on each other.

� It�s not like we haven�t done this before.� Joel said, standing up and stretching. Benji nodded and yawned. My friend, Maygen stood up and linked arms with Joel. He looked down at her and smiled, then kissed her quickly on the nose. I looked away and tried not to be jealous. Maygen had somehow caught Joel, but I was nowhere near catching his brother. Benji just seemed to elude me. Since Benji and Joel had started a band, and become pretty famous I never saw them anymore. They always had tons of people around, willing to be their �best friends� at a drop a hat, but they knew who their real friends were. Groupies didn�t count. When they came home to Waldorf, it was Maygen and I that Joel and Benji called up to hang out with. But no matter what I did, Benji always seemed to say �I think you�re great, but I don�t wanna get attached.� I�d known him for nearly five and a half years. I think I�ve had a crush on him for five, at least.

� What are we doing tonight?� I asked, glancing at Benji who sat with his arms folded, staring blankly across the room at nothing. I leaned over and poked him and his trance was broken. He smiled at me and it felt nice. He had the cutest smile.

� How about we rent some movies?� Maygen suggested. I knew it was just her excuse to make out with Joel, but renting movies and staying in didn�t sound so bad. I nodded and looked at Benji for his reply.

� Yea, ok, how about me and Nic go to the movie place and Maygen and Joel go to the store get some food.� He suggested. My heart leapt at the thought of spending time alone with him. I was being stupid, but I couldn�t help it. I hadn�t seen him in so long and I had really missed him. Maryland seemed empty without him around.

� Yea, cool.� Joel nodded, grabbing his hat and glasses off the table. Benji stood up and flashed me another grin. He patted his stomach and then yawned again.

� I might fall asleep.� He said. I smiled and reached my hands up, for him to help me off the sofa. He grabbed my hands and pulled me up. His hands felt nice.

� I�ll keep you awake.� I said and snuck a quick, devious look at Maygen. She knew how much I liked Benji. In fact, Joel probably knew too. Benji was the only one stupid enough not to realize how much I wanted him.

� Ok.� He laughed.

We walked outside and it was already dark, which was good. I didn�t want people interrupting us and asking Benji for autographs while we were out. Selfish, yes, but�true.

� See ya.� Benji said nonchalantly, walking over to his car. I followed him and he opened the doors. I climbed inside and he turned on the CD player and Rancid came blaring out. He turned it down a bit and started backing out of the driveway. � So how have you been?� He asked. I was kinda surprised he was asking. I was usually the one searching for conversation.

� I�ve been good, bored, but good.� I said. He nodded and shook his head to the music.

� Yea it�s been pretty hectic for me.� He nodded and added a little smile. I laughed softly and nodded. I watched him as he drove, glancing around. I hoped he was ok�that this whole band thing wouldn�t change him too much.

� You might wanna put your hair away.� I said with a smile. He laughed, running his hands through his messy hair.

� Why?�

� It�s kinda obvious.� I said. He nodded and pointed to the backseat.

� Can you get my hat for me, Suga?� He asked. I laughed and turned, searching for his black knit hat. I was surprised he still remembered when he used to call me Suga. He had gotten it from the System of a Down song �Sugar�. � What are you laughing at?� He asked, although he was laughing with me.

� I dunno. I just love that�Suga.� I smiled. I handed him his hat.

� Take the wheel.� He said, lifting up his hands to put the hat on before I was even ready. I squealed, despite myself.

� Benji!� I objected, trying to steer his car from the passenger side.

� It�s ok, if we get in a crash, I�ll buy another one.� He laughed. I rolled my eyes and hoped he would finish soon. He tugged the hat on over his wild hair and took the wheel, his hands resting on mine for a second. I pulled away, afraid if he left his hands on mine too long he�d be able to feel how fast my heart was beating�and it wasn�t because I was steering from the passenger seat.

� What movie do you want to get?� I asked, turning to him. He squinted his eyes and pouted for a second. I held back from bursting out and telling him how sexy that was.

� What do you think?� He asked. I groaned loudly and he laughed, swerving the car slightly.

� Benj, watch it!� I exclaimed.

� It�s ok, chill, girlie.� He laughed harder. I rolled my eyes.

� We are not getting Star Wars again.� I said, although I knew it was what we were getting. We got those freaking movies every time we went out.

� But don�t you find Yoda sexy?� He asked, smiling. I laughed and then sighed. I had really missed him. I wonder what he�d say if I told him that.

� I really missed you, Benj.� I said. He glanced at me, the smile fading from his face. I held my breath, waiting for him to say something, anything. He leaned over and patted my leg.

� Yea, I guess I missed you too, Nic.� He said. I almost passed out. He touched my leg. Actually touched my leg on purpose. I wished with everything inside of me that I had enough guts to just say something, let him know what I felt�

� Benj?� I said quietly.

� Hmm?� I hesistated. � I wanted to-� just as I was about to say something, something that was probably very stupid, his cell rang. I wanted to Thank God for not letting me say something retarded.

� Hold on.� He told me. He picked up the phone. � Yea? Benj here.� He said. He turned the radio down. � Oh�yea�pizza, we can shove that in the oven. Yea, kick ass. Nic? Nickolette? Yea she�s here, where the hell else would she be, Joel?� Benji laughed. He turned to me, trying to keep his eyes on the road. � Joel wants to know-�

� Let me have the phone.� I said. He was making me nervous. He smiled and handed me the cell.

� Hello?�

� Hey, Nic, you ok with frozen pizza?� Joel asked.

� Yea, get what you want.� I nodded.

� OK, good. Ok, see you guys in a bit.� He said and hung up. Benji rolled into the parking lot of the store and parked.

� Ready?� He asked. I nodded and climbed out of the car after him. He walked a little ahead of me, but then slowed down. � I forgot how slow you walk.� He smiled. I rolled my eyes and jogged for a second to keep pace with him. �Boyfriend?� He asked suddenly. I looked up at him.

� Huh?�

� Do you have one?� He asked. My heart skipped a beat.

� No, Benji.� I said, my voice dropping. He nodded.

� Guys are scum anyway.� He smiled. I nodded. I had only two boyfriends my whole life, which I guess is pathetic. I�m only nineteen though, so I do have time. I�d just been waiting for the right one�

� Not all of them. There�s a few good ones.� I smiled up at him. He smiled down at me and draped his arm on my shoulders.

� Me, for example. I am a fine specimen of Grade A Male.� He smiled. I laughed and wrapped my arms around his waist for a second. I hugged him.

� What was that for?� he asked. I don�t know why I did it. It struck me that I did, after the fact. Sometimes I just don�t think.

� I don�t know.� I laughed.

We got back to the apartment and Joel and Maygen were already there, flirting in the kitchen. I sighed, not sure if I wanted to put up with that all night.

� We�re home, so I hope you�re not having sex in there.� Benji shouted. Joel mumbled something and I heard Maygen laugh. � This is gonna be fun.� Benji grumbled under his breath. I smiled and nodded, grabbing his arm.

� Come on, let�s leave them alone.� I almost pleaded. Watching Maygen get all the action was not my idea of fun. Benji nodded and turned. He didn�t realize I was right behind him and he smashed into me, making me stumble backward.

� Hey watch it, klutz.� He smiled, holding on to my arms to steady me. I rolled my eyes, following him into the other room. He spread out on the couch and at first I wasn�t going to bother trying to sit next to him, but the floor really didn�t sound to comfortable.

� Scoot over,� I asked, smiling sweetly. He shook his head �No� and moved so he had his feet on the sofa too.

� I like me just where I am.� He yawned.

� Benji! Get up!� I said, laughing. I reached down and picked up his legs, trying to move him, but he resisted, laughing and reaching forward, pushing me away. �Benji move your legs!� I yelled, punching him lightly in the stomach. He made a face and then sighed, moving his feet over an inch. I decided just to sit on his feet, but his boots dug into my butt and this only made him laugh harder.

� You�re killing me!� He laughed, reaching forward and yanking me toward him. I slid of his feet and onto his legs, he moved around a bit until there was enough space for me to sit in between his legs. I couldn�t believe this. I was sitting with one of his legs behind me, the other I had my legs thrown over.

� You comfortable?� I asked. He nodded and smiled that gorgeous, yet childish smile.

� Nic you want to go to a show tomorrow? Down at Ten Car Pile Up? Remember when we used to go there all the time?� He asked. I nodded, then frowned.

� I still go there, Benj.� I said with a little smile. Ten Car was a local hangout where all the local punk bands played. Benji and Joel had played there a few times before Good Charlotte, though he had hadn�t been back there in a while.

� Oh�� He said, he suddenly looked really sad.

� What�s wrong?� I asked. He shrugged, sitting up and pulling his legs out from under me.

� I miss this place. I miss everyone.� He shrugged, rubbing his hands through his hair. I nodded.

� I know, we�ve missed you guys too. I�ve missed you a lot, Benj.� I said, my voice soft. I looked up and his eyes caught mine. Was he going to understand how I felt? How I missed him so much that I prayed every day that he�d call. He stared at me intensely with his dark brown eyes, so sweet and smart. God. Please. Don�t. Screw. This. Up.

Benji sighed and looked away, as if he had seen something that made him nervous, or scared, or just something he didn�t like.

� Yea, I never realized how much I would miss Maryland.� He sighed. I looked away, feeling more than stupid. He missed Maryland, not Nic.

� Benji, lets watch the movie.� I whispered, trying to hide my disappointment. He nodded, getting up, not noticing how much he had just broken my heart.

� Hey you guys, we�re starting the movie!� Benji yelled. Joel walked back in, lipstick smeared on his cute face.

� I was wondering when you were gonna start it.� He smiled. I rolled my eyes, knowing the thought hadn�t crossed his mind. Maygen walked in a minute later, still buttoning her shirt. I sighed. Why was life so unfair? While they were in the kitchen making out and groping each other, I was in here, fighting to keep eye contact with Benji.

� Hey, Nic, truth or dare?� Maygen asked, her eyes glowing.

I stared at her for a second, not sure what to do. Truth or dare? Either could be potentially disastrous, or potentially excellent.

� Truth.� I sighed. Benji laughed, jabbing me in the arm.

� WUSS!� He smiled. I rolled my eyes and jabbed him back, only harder. Joel sat down across from me, wiping his face, trying to get rid of Maygen�s pearly pink lipstick.

� Dammit, Mayg.� He mumbled, but had a smile plastered on his face. Maygen ignored him, thinking about the question that she was going to ask me.

� Hmmm�.� Maygen thought. She was definitely one of my best friends, but still, we didn�t always hangs out together. She didn�t know everything about me, so I had a feeling she was going to ask me something horribly personal.

� Well?� I asked, nervous. Benji laughed again and then shut up once I glared angrily at him.

� Oh, ok, I got one.� She rubbed her hands together. �How many people have you had sex with?� She asked. I frowned. None. I glanced at Benji and he was smiling intently at me. I didn�t think he knew� I sighed.

� We can lie, right?� I smiled. I knew I was the only virgin there and although it normally wouldn�t bug me, it did now.

� No, you can�t lie, Suga. That�s why it�s a TRUTH!� Benji said. I sighed.

� Well, technically, I haven�t had sex with anyone.� I said quickly, deciding it didn�t really matter. Joel gasped dramatically although I knew he didn�t care. Of all the people in the room, I knew he was the one to care the least. He was the sweeter, gentler version of Benji.

� The little virginal Nic!� He smiled, but then patted me reassuringly. � That�s sweet, Nic.� He said sincerely. I smiled at him and then looked at his brother. Benji was just staring at me with those intense eyes. It made me horribly uncomfortable. I was the one to look away this time.

� Hmm�ok, Nic, you ask someone now.� She said. I decided to ask Joel. I still couldn�t look at Benji.

� Truth or Dare, Joel.� I smiled. He shrugged.

� Dare.� He sighed. I gave him some randomly stupid dare and he did it without much resistance. Joel was never one to turn down a good dare, especially if it included nudity of any kind. He sat back down a minute later, a big smirk on his face.

� Benji, truth or dare?� He said, stretching out next to Maygen, who was still reeling from getting a personal lap dance. Benji sighed, rolling his shoulders back.

� Truth.�

� Wuss!!� I yelled. He laughed and then rolled his eyes, ignoring me. Joel thought for a second and then his eyes lit up.

� Tell us, in detail�what exactly happened between you and that hot little groupie backstage at the show in P.A.?� Joel asked, laughing. Benji�s face turned pink and then he started cracking up. I was totally lost and apparently, so was Maygen. � I�ll fill you girls in.� Joel said, a mischievous look gleaming in his eyes. � In Pennsylvania, there was this girl, very cute, just turned eighteen. She comes up to Benji and starts saying all this perverted shit to him. Like, out of this world porno stuff!� Both Benji and Joel were cracking up and Maygen had started smiling. We always loved listening to their stories about desperate groupies. But now, hearing this one about Benji and some other girl, I was finding it hard to smile.

� Anyway, Benj takes her backstage and they are gone for almost a fucking hour. Most of the time it�s like a quickie in the bathroom, right Benj? But this time�we were all like �What the hell happened to Benji? Did she murder him?� � Joel laughed. � So what went down?� Joel asked.

� Or should we say who?� Maygen laughed. Benji shook his head, laughing. I forced a smile and watched him, smiling and clutching his sides. He looked over at me and our eyes caught for a minute. Something passed between us�or maybe I was just hallucinating. Either way, Benji stopped laughing.

� No, man, that story sucks.� He said, serious. Joel was still laughing.

� You gotta.� He said. Benji sighed. He suddenly didn�t seem to want to tell the story, although he had been more than eager to do so five seconds ago. I was staring at the carpet, trying to memorize the little four-inch section I had �discovered�.

� Welll�� Benji was unwilling to spill. Joel started egging him on and Maygen joined in a minute later. � Alright, Jesus!� Benji groaned. He smiled despite how reluctant he seemed. � We just went back there and fucked. I mean, errr�yea.� Benji shrugged. I tried not to listen. I tried to hum a Goldfinger song in my head and not listen. �Here in my bedroom, I can turn my head off. The less that I feel is the less that I�m on top.� I didn�t want to hear about how he fucked some girl. Some girl that was ten millions time luckier than me.

� For an hour!?!� Joel shouted. I flinched. I knew I had to stop acting like such a dork, but I just couldn�t hear this. It felt like I had � I love Benji� written across my forehead in glowing, fluorescent green marker or something. I bit my lip.

� No, we did other stuff.� Benji was kind of quiet, and for some reason I thought I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn�t look up. I was just being stupid again.

� Did she blow you or something?� Maygen asked. I bit my lip harder.

� Can we change the subject?� I asked suddenly, looking up. Benji�s eyes were focused right on me. My breath caught in my throat.

� Why? You don�t like talking about my penis?� Benji said, then he smiled at me. It wasn�t one of his normal, ass hole smiles though. It was kind of sweet and reassuring. I thought about what he said. I wanted to reply and say � I just don�t like talking about it when it�s someone other than me who gets it.� But of course, I would never say that. I�d have to be crazy to say that.

� Just change the subject.� I said finally.

Benji grinned at me and then shrugged. For some reason he had a rubber band around his wrist and he took it off and flung it at me. It hit me square on the forehead and I yelped, then flung it back at him, laughing.

� Let�s stop playing this retarded game.� Joel sighed, ignoring our rubber band fight. He turned up the volume on the TV as the movie started. It boggled my mind that we had watched Star Wars about fifty times, yet they didn�t own any copies of it.

� You�re no fun.� Maygen pouted at Joel but he only laughed and then kissed her quickly. I sighed and glanced at Benji, who was already absorbed in the movie. He wasn�t even moving except the slow rise and fall of his chest.

� What time is it?� I asked, even though I knew I could easily stare at Benji all night. Joel glanced at his watch.

� Almost eleven.� He said. I was surprised it had gotten so late. I yawned, realizing how tired I was and leaned back against the sofa.

� Past your bed time Nic?� Benji asked. I nodded, though I was surprised that he had actually talked and risked missing a part of the movie.

� Definitely.� I closed my eyes for a second. � Go home then.� Maygen said. I opened my eyes. She smiled at me and then went back to kissing Joel.

� I�m too tired to get up.� I said.

� Well you gotta stay to eat pizza.� Benji smiled and poked me for no good reason. I frowned and rubbed my arm.

� Too tired.� I closed my eyes again.

� You can sleep in my room.�

I opened my eyes. Had Benji just invited me to sleep in HIS bed? In his very own bed? In his very own sheets? On his very own pillow? My heart stopped for a second and then started pounding in my chest.

� Huh?� I asked, my heart beating ten million miles an hour. Benji was staring at the screen again, dazed.

� I said you could sleep in my room.� I looked over. It was Joel. It had been Joel who had been nice enough to offer me his bed. My heart sank. He smiled sweetly at me as Maygen nibbled his neck. I bit my lip. God, how much disappointment could I get in one night?

� No, I�m just gonna go home, thanks anyway Joel.� I smiled. I looked over at Benji and he hadn�t even blinked. I got up and stumbled through the darkness, looking for my bag.

� Really, Nic? It�s early though!� Maygen said, grabbing my ankles. I yanked away from her.

� Yea, I�m tired.� I glanced at Benji. Still no sign of any intelligent life whatsoever. Fuck him.

� OK, well we�ll see you later.� Joel said, standing up. He hugged me gently.

� Bye Benj.� I said. He looked up, as if just realizing I�d gotten up off the couch.

� Leaving?� He asked. I nodded, angry. Angry that I made such little difference to him. Knowing that if I hadn�t said goodbye, it would have taken him an hour to realize I was gone.

� Yea.� I mumbled, turning to leave. � I�ll walk you out, Nic.� Joel offered. I nodded, and nearly ran out the door. Joel followed close behind me.

� You ok?� He asked. I nodded.

� Great. Peachy.� I said. I started digging through my purse, looking for my keys. He walked up next to me. I heard him sigh and wondered what he was so upset about. I was the one that was completely invisible to the one person that I wanted the most.

� Nic, you know he just doesn�t realize how much you-�

I cut him off. I didn�t want to hear Joel tell me that Benji was just stupid and dense. I knew there had to be some other reason for Benji thinking I was some kind of leper. Besides, Joel had a perfect relationship with Maygen. He had no idea what it felt like to want someone so bad and for every reason imaginable that it made you sick.

� Joel, I�m fine. I�m tired. I want to go home. Benji can go and watch his precious Star Wars, I don�t give a flying�monkey.� I said, finally finding my keys. Joel nodded, knowing I was lying.

� If it�s any consolation, Nic, I love you.� He smiled a little boy smile and I laughed. I hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek. I was suddenly extremely glad I was friends with Joel.

� Thank you. At least one person does.� I said. He laughed quietly and nodded.

� He does too, Nic. He just doesn�t know it.� He smiled. I nodded, and prayed with all my heart he was right.

� Thanks Joel. You always were the sweet one. Maygen�s so lucky.� I said. I hugged him quickly again and then climbed in my car.

� And Benji�s missing out�� He gave me a reassuring look and then closed the door, banging on it lightly with his fist. I drove away, in silence, only being able to think about Benji.

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