Between You And Me
Chapter 10
By: Sarah
I opened the door to my apartment and walked in, holding the door open for Joel. He followed me inside, turning on the lamp as he did. The apartment was dark besides the one light he had turned on. A mixture of relief and anxiety flooded over me. Where was Farah? I looked at Joel and he gave me a knowing look.
� I don�t know�� He said, answering my unspoken question about Farah�s whereabouts. I shuffled over to the kitchen, my legs felt heavy like they were made of lead.
� Do you want to go home?� I asked Joel, glancing up at him. He shrugged, his face indifferent.
� You want me to go home?� He asked, leaning against the kitchen counter. I smiled, shaking my head at him.
� No, not really.� I sighed. He laughed and nodded.
� OK, I�ll stay as long as you want.� He walked over to the fridge and started rooting through it as if it were his own. I smiled, but my smile slowly faded. Benji used to always do that� I looked away, taking a deep breath. �Why don�t you go take a shower, Nic? It�ll make you feel better.� He said, pulling leftover Chinese food out. He opened it, sniffed it and then grinned. I smiled and nodded, grabbing him a plate. He dumped the noodles onto the plate and then shoved it into the microwave.
� Yea, a shower sounds good. You ok with just hanging around?� I asked, kicking my shoes off. Joel shrugged.
� Yea, I�m fine. I have food, don�t worry �bout me.� He nodded, staring contently at the rotating plate in the microwave. I nodded and then made my way to the bathroom. My body sagged as I closed the door behind me. I became overly aware of the stiff, muddy clothes that were half plastered to my body. Wincing, I peeled my shirt off and then my jeans. I glanced in the big full length mirror on the back of the door and cringed at the sight. My hair was horrible, muddy and gray with dirt. I turned around, noticing that my back was sore. I had the start of big purple and blue bruise on my back from where that guy had shoved the gun into my spine. I closed my eyes for a second, trying hard to gather enough strength to turn on the shower and get clean. I just wanted to collapse into bed and never get back up.
I managed to take a hot shower, then got dressed in the warmest pajamas I could find. I walked out of my room to find Joel sprawled out on the sofa, watching some teen drama show. I smiled, and sat down on the edge of the sofa, shaking my head at him.
� Aren�t you a little old for these shows?� I asked, sighing. He smiled and shook his head. God, he looked so much like Benji sometimes. I swallowed hard and silently wondered where Benji was right now. Who he was with�
� Never too old for a little high school drama.� He said, sitting up. I nodded, taking a deep breath. I stared at the TV for a few seconds and it only took me a few minutes to find out that some character on the show had cheated on his girlfriend with her best friend. The irony of the situation was a little too much for me to handle. Joel glanced at me, nervously and then quickly turned the TV off with a sheepish face.
� I�m going to go to bed.� I said, standing up. Joel stood up too, turning the hat he had on backwards.
� Are you going to be alright?� he asked, shifting his weight back and forth. I knew he was a little uncomfortable with all my girly feelings, but I loved him so much for trying as hard as he could to help me. Normally, Maygen would probably be doing this job. But since she was a million miles away, he had taken over.
I nodded, slowly walking toward my room. He followed close behind like a little puppy dog. I frowned, glancing down at my hands. I was still shaking.
� I don�t know.� I whispered, climbing into bed. Joel sat down on the edge and pulled the covers up over me. I patted the spot next to me and Joel moved over, laying down next to me, on top of the covers.
� I�ll stay here �til you fall asleep.� He said, his voice low. I smiled at how he was acting like such a big brother. I rolled onto my stomach and took a few deep breaths.
� You know I love you, Joel�you�ve always, always been there for me. I don�t tell you enough how much you mean to me. � He glanced at me, squinting slightly, a little smile playing on his lips. � What would I do without you, Joely.�
� You�d be a mess.� He joked. I nodded, knowing it was true.
� I need to talk to him.� I whispered, even though there was no reason to. Joel nodded, pulling his hat off. He fiddled with it, twirling it on his fingers.
� Give it a few days maybe�� He said. �If I know Benji at all, it�ll take him a few days to figure out anything.� Joel kicked his shoes off and yawned loudly. �He�s slow like that.� He added. I smiled, punching Joel lightly in the arm.
� What does he have to figure out?� I asked, frowning.
� Well�� Joel thought. �All the reasons why he�s an asshole for hurting you.� He said. I smiled, shrugging.
� Thanks.� I closed my eyes. Joel reached over and gently started rubbing my back, and it felt good, especially considering how sore I was. It was only a matter of minutes before I was fast asleep. I didn�t wake up until the next morning, around noon.
Slowly, I opened my eyes, knowing that it was a lot later than I usually woke up. The room was dark and all I could hear was rain pounding on the windows. Still raining. I wasn�t sure what time it was, but I glanced at the clock and saw it was almost 12:30. Sighing, I glanced next to me and noticed Joel wasn�t there anymore. I yawned and tried hard to ignore the nagging pain in my back. Opening my eyes wider, I noticed someone was sitting in the chair adjacent to the bed. At first glance, I thought it was Joel�but deep down, I knew it wasn�t. I froze, turning my head towards the figure sitting in the shadows.
� Hey.� He said, his voice rough. It thundered loudly outside and I pulled the covers up slightly.
� Hi.� I said, my voice still rough with sleep. I rolled onto my stomach and wrapped my arms around my pillow.
� Joel let me in.� He said, not moving from the chair. I nodded, pressing the side of my face into my pillow.
� Where is he?� I asked.
� Home.� Benji sat forward and his face came into view, the dim light from the window casting a line of light across his features. His eyes were intense.
� Oh ok.� I said softly. I wanted to kill Joel for letting Benji in� Benji was quiet for a minute, just sitting there, his elbows against his knees, his head hanging down toward the ground. My heart was pounding in my chest. The rain pouring outside seemed overly loud, but I guess the silence of the room was just emphasizing it. I was glad I was in bed, surrounded by blankets and comforters and Benji was across the room. It made me feel safer�or not safer but it made it easier for me to speak my mind.
� You�� I said slowly, quietly. Benji looked up at the sound of my voice. � You were the first person I ever slept with. And I thought you�d be the only person I ever slept with. I thought�I was ok with that. I was more than ok with that.� I said softly. � I�ve known you long enough, Benj, and I know how you are. I know what you were like before we were together. I never asked you to �save yourself� for me or�or not to sleep around with girls you met on tour. None of that was my business back then�� My voice started shaking. Don�t cry�don�t cry. � But now�my heart has always been on the line with this relationship, Benj. It might be a one sided thing, but I�ve always felt that way. Always. I guess I just never thought this would happen. You were always my best friend�but now I don�t know you at all. And I�m not sure if I even want to know you.� I bit my lip, not sure what to do. � Is this�is this the way it�s supposed to be? With me getting hurt and you, you apologizing and then it just keeps going like that? I don�t want it to be that way.� I paused, my eyes burning. � I guess, I just feel so stupid. I feel so fucking stupid, Benji. All the things that I thought I was doing because I was in love with you�all the worrying I did. All those times that we were together and I foolishly thought I meant something to you. I feel so stupid for ever saving myself for you and finding out that I�m just a joke.� I sat up, pulling my legs to my chest. I rested my head on my knees, tears rolling down my face. Benji was just sitting there, not moving. � I just think�I think I want you to leave.� I said, my voice cracking. � I can't do this anymore either.�
There was a dead silence for a minute and I wasn�t sure what was going to happen now. I was on the verge of crying my eyes out�
� Nic�� Benji suddenly stood up and walked toward the bed. I shrunk back, not wanting to be near him. He sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at me, his eyes red.
� Please�� I cried. He shook his head.
� I didn�t sleep with her, Nic. I swear to god I didn�t sleep with her. I don�t even like Farah, you know that. Forget what you saw� I�m telling you right now what actually happened.� He cried. I nodded, shaking my head. � You were never a joke to me, Nic�never. I care about you more than I have ever cared about anyone in my whole life. I don�t treat you like I should, I know that�I know that I�m never there for you and�� He was crying. He was actually crying. I bit my lip hard, almost to the point of drawing blood. � God, if I could do this over I would. I would change so much. I would be the person you want me to be�I would have never, ever been with any other girl� I would have realized how much you meant to me a few years ago. I would have never even touched another girl--�
� No, Benji�it�s not about sex�it�s not about that. It�s about you and me and�god. This is between you and me, not you and me and the people you�ve been with before. I never expected you to not be with other people�I just don�t understand why�why you can�t be happy with me. Why I can never make you happy enough�� I started sobbing then, the dam that had been building inside of me broke free. � Why aren�t I enough, Benji? Why can�t you love me�why�� I cried, hard, shaking all over. � At the beach�I don�t know�I thought you were going to ask me to marry you�I thought that finally, finally I was enough for you. I thought that that was it. But, it wasn�t. You looked at me, and you changed your mind. I just want to know Benji, why you hate me. I just want you to tell me why you aren�t happy with me. Please, just tell me why�� I cried, gasping for air. I reached for him, falling into his arms. I had never been like this before. I used to keep it all inside, hide everything from him. But I was so tired. So tired of keeping my feelings hidden just for the sake of other people. It was hurting me too much and I just couldn�t do it anymore. I thought before I had been being strong, but maybe it was the exact opposite. Either way, I felt weaker than ever before.
Benji pulled me into him, grabbing me and holding me tighter than anyone had ever held me before. I wrapped my arms around his neck, clutching his neck, his hair, his shirt, anything I could. I grasped him hard, desperate for his touch. He held me close to him, both of us crying.
� I am happy with you, I am�I�m happier with you than I am with anyone else.� He said, his mouth near my ear. � You just�you need to let me explain.� He asked, pulling away slightly. I wiped my eyes, trying hard to pull myself together. � Nic� Farah was in my room because�I did call her over. I called her up and I asked her to come over.� He said. I groaned softly, pulling farther away. �Wait, wait, just listen.� He asked. � I called her because I wanted to ask her why she was always saying shit to you�I want to know why she was always giving you a hard time.� He said. I stared at him, trying hard to figure out if he was lying.
� You called her for me?� I asked softly. He nodded slowly.
� And she came over because she said she wanted to tell me to my face. And that�s when she told me she was in love with me and�that�s when you walked in.� He said softly. I swallowed hard, frowning.
� She�s in love with you?� I asked, nearly speechless.
� That�s what she said.� He said softly. I frowned, my head starting to hurt.
� How do you feel about that��
� Nic, come on, you know I don�t like her.� He interrupted me, reached forward and grabbed my hand. I wanted to pull away, something inside me was telling me to pull away and not fall for this again. I was scared and Benji could sense that.
� I love you, Nic. I fucking love you, don�t you see that?� He exclaimed. I closed my eyes, not sure how to respond. � What are you so afraid of?� He suddenly asked. I opened my eyes, staring at him. What was I afraid of?
� I�� I gulped and looked down at the crumpled bed sheets in between us. � I�m afraid that I�m so much more in love with you than you are with me. I�m afraid I fell way too hard, way too fast. I�m afraid you�re going to find someone better� I�m afraid that you�ll always just see me as your best friend.� There. I had said it. All the things that had been on a repeat in my mind for who knows how long. Benji frowned, his eyes confused and worried. It thundered again outside and as each second passed, I could feel my heart pound against my ribs. Benji ran his hand through his hair, rubbing his neck for a second.
� You are my best friend though.� He said after a minute. I nodded, tears falling.
� Yea, I know.� I paused, tilting my head. My next words were actually painful to say. �Is that all I am to you?� I whispered. Another minute passed. He wasn�t sure. I nodded, throwing my legs over the side of the bed. I got up, hoping I could make a clean break to the bathroom before I got sick.
� Nic.� He said before I got very far. I turned and looked at him. � Don�t you think that�s important?� He asked. I shrugged.
�What?�
� That the person you�re going out with�is your best friend?� He asked. I nodded.
� Yea, I do.� I whispered. � But it can�t be everything. You can only go so far before you realize that you�ve just been playing best friends with benefits for the last few months�� I swallowed. He nodded.
� Well�I don�t think we�ve been doing that.� His words were like bombs exploding in the room. I froze and wasn�t sure what to do.
� You don�t?� I said, my voice shaking. He nodded and climbed out of bed, walking over to me. He grabbed my hands.
� I�m sorry�you need to know how I really feel about you.� He said. I nodded, though thoroughly scared. � You changed my life, Nic. Ever since that night so long ago when I was an ass to you and called you and you thought I was Joel. Ever since I found out that you had feelings for me, I kept wondering, how can this amazing girl even have any kind of feelings for me? Your words always flip me over� You don�t trust me at all and�I guess I can understand that. But ever since the very beginning of this, I�ve loved you. I was just so scared about how much I actually felt for you that I just kept fucking up. I was scared because I knew Nic, I knew that we were supposed to be together. And now I really have fucked up this time�but I just�� He reached for me and I let him. He rested his hands on my hips, his fingers pressing into me. �I want you to believe that you mean the world to me.� He suddenly exclaimed, his words loud. I licked my lips, my head suddenly feeling light.
� I do?� I asked. He nodded.
� I don�t want to keep messing up.� He said. I smiled. He took a step closer to me. I swallowed, staring him in the eyes.
� I don�t want to keep losing you.� I whispered. He nodded, and took a deep breath, his chest rising and falling heavily like he was about to take a head first dive into an unknown territory. He suddenly dropped to the floor, on one knee. I frowned for a second, and then my head started spinning. � Benji�� I said softly. He smiled, shaking his head as if he knew he was crazy.
� Shh�just let me do this, Nic.� He said with grin. I bit my lip, my hands starting to shake again. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring.
� Oh god.� I said under my breath. He titled his head, looking up at me. He took my hand and squeezed it hard.
� I love you, Nic. I really do, you mean everything to me. I know, in a way I don�t deserve an answer to this question, but I need to ask you�I can�t just let you go. You�re the only thing in my life that I know will be constant. I want to be your constant too. I want you to let me be that.� He said, his voice clear though a bit shaky. I smiled, reaching up with my other hand and pressing away the tears. � Marry me, Nic?�
I swallowed hard. The last few years of my life flashing before my eyes. All the tears and laughter and hurt and happiness. The drunken fights, the first times, the never ending late night conversations. It all went back to Benji. He was my constant. The only thing I could think of when I thought of the last few years of my life. I looked down at him and my heart skipped a beat.
� Yes, yes, I will.� I said, a huge grin spreading to my lips. Benji smiled, relief coming over his features. He slipped the ring onto my finger and stood up, picking me up in his arms, spinning me around in his arms. I smiled, kissing him hard. We fell backwards onto the bed, with me landing on top of him. I looked down at him, my best friend, my everything. He smiled and leaned up to kiss me. I let him, his lips perfect against mine.
� God, I�m in love with you.� He whispered, reaching up and pushing a strand of hair from my eyes. I smiled down at him, reaching for his hands and intertwining my fingers with his.
� I love you too.� I breathed, kissing his fingers. He smiled and grabbed me, rolling me underneath him. He pressed his lips to my neck and then looked at me, his dark eyes burning into mine. Something about his eyes had changed in those last few minutes. It was almost like I could read them. I could tell what he was thinking�we were finally on the same page. I swallowed and wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him to me.
� Don�t ever leave me.� I said softly. He shook his head, holding me tightly.
� That�s not even an option.� He said with a smile. I smiled back, knowing it was true.
The End.