Falling Apart
Chapter 6
By: Makena
Benji was given his clothes back and he rejoined Joel, who sat alone in the waiting room. When they reached the outside, Joel didn't walk to his car and Benji sat down on the side walk, taking in the night air.
"Here," Joel said, tossing Benji a box of cigarettes and a lighter.
Benji had also tried to give up smoking while they were away on tour, but he was really craving one at the moment. He lit one up and tossed the box back to Joel, who lit one up as well.
"Well?" Joel asked, sitting down on the curb next to Benji.
"Isn't this a no smoking area?" Benji asked, looking at his cigarette.
Joel shrugged and closed his eyes for a moment.
"So?" he said, referring to Benji's cuts.
Benji sighed looked out among the cars that sat in the parking lot. "It was an accident," Benji said, not looking at his brother.
"No matter how many times you tell yourself that," Joel said, "it won't make it come true."
"I swear, it was an accident," Benji said with less force than he had said it the first time.
"Are you trying to convince me or yourself, Benji?"
Benji sighed kicked at a small rock that sat by his feet. "I dunno," he admitted finally. "I guess maybe I did try to kill myself."
Joel nodded once and looked out over the cars like Benji had been doing.
"Fuck," Benji said. "Every thing's just falling apart, you know? I wasn't sure I could take it anymore. I thought about Callie and how miserable I would be without her, and then I thought about the band and how fucked up everything had gotten with us. And then I did it and I was like, 'these are stupid problems and they can be fixed.' Plus... it hurt, so I figured maybe dying isn't all it's cracked up to be."
Joel laughed slightly with his brother and flicked his cigarette onto the asphalt.
"Shit, Joel," Benji said. "I'm sorry. I didn't think, and I'm a dumb fuck for thinking about suicide."
Joel shook his head - he didn't want an apology, he wanted truth and now that he had it, he was fine just sitting with his brother on the side walk, smoking and talking. "Don't apologize to me," Joel said. "I'm not looking for an apology."
"Yeah, well..." Benji sighed. Neither of them said anything for a while while Benji flicked his cigarette to the ground and lit up a second one. Joel didn't say anything about it and let Benji smoke.
'At least he's not drinking,' Joel thought, taking the lighter back from him.
"Shit," Benji muttered after a while.
"What?" Joel asked, pocketing his lighter.
"What are we gonna do about this?"
Joel frowned. There were two things Benji could have been talking about, but he wasn't sure what it was. "What?" he repeated.
"This," Benji said again. "Callie? Good Charlotte? Everything?"
Joel sighed.
"Do you love Callie?" he asked.
"Yeah," Benji replied.
"Do you love Good Charlotte?"
"Yeah."
"Who do you love more."
Benji didn't need much time to think about it. "Callie, of course," he responded.
Joel sighed. "I thought so," he said. "Then you know which one you have to save?"
Benji frowned slightly. "I love Callie," Benji repeated. "But - do I really want to give up everything we've ever worked for a five year old girl?"
"That," Joel said, standing up. "Is for you to decided." He paused as he heard an ambulance's distant sirens blaring in the streets. "Ready to go?"
Benji nodded, took a long drag from his cigarette and dropped it to the ground. He stood up and followed Joel to the car. He knew he wanted Callie more than anything in the world, but he didn't know what to stay to Joel.
-----
It had been almost a week since Benji had attempted suicide, and thing's were doing the same as before he had attempted. He hadn't figured out a way to tell Joel he chose Callie over Good Charlotte, but he knew maybe Joel already knew. Joel was smart like that.
"When were the DNA results coming in?" Joel asked, tying to break the silence between the two as they sat in their living room, looking for new places to live.
"Soon," Benji replied, not paying much attention as he circled a two-story house that was on the opposite side of town.
"Nervous?"
Benji shook his head. "No," he lied.
"Liar."
Benji looked up at his brother and laughed shortly.
"What about this one?" Joel asked, shoving the news paper at Benji.
Benji shrugged. It was a large, two story house painted blue with a two car garage. "Only if I got married and had kids," he replied, looking back down at his own paper.
Neither of them spoke for a while again while they looked at different houses. Finally, Joel put his paper and pen down and stretched his arms out. "Okay," he said. "I'm thirsty. You want anything?"
Benji nodded but didn't look up from the paper. Joel wandered into the kitchen while Benji continued to look around until the door bell rang. He looked up, somewhat surprised and out the window at a maroon mini van that had been parked on the curb.
"Who is it?" Joel asked from the kitchen.
"Donno," Benji replied, standing up and walking over the mess he and his brother had created. "I'll get it, though."
Benji opened the door and saw a middle aged woman holding some papers and wearing thick glasses on her face. "Is there a Mr. Benjamin Madden here?" she asked, reading the name on the paper.
"That's me," Benji said. "You can come in..."
"No, no," the woman said kindly. "You recently took a DNA test?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Well," the woman said, her smile growing wider. "I would like to introduce you to your daughter Callie Ann."
Benji looked down and noticed, for the first time, a tiny figure standing behind the woman. "Wha... what?" Benji asked. "My - mine?"
The woman smiled and stepped to the side to reveal Callie, who was staring shyly up at her father. "Are you prepared to take full responsibility for her as her biological father?"
Benji blinked and looked up at the woman and nodded. "Yeah, yeah," he said. "Of course!"
"She has some things in the car," the woman said. "I can go get them while you sign a couple of these forums..." Benji nodded and signed what he had to and gave them back to the woman when she returned with a small suitcase and a card board box. The woman left and Benji took Callie inside.
"Are you my daddy?" she asked him innocently, staring up at him with her soft brown eyes.
Benji smiled and knelt down so the could face her. "Yes," he said. "I am."
"I knewd you would get me away from there," Callie said softly, hugging her father. "I knewd you would be my daddy."
"How'd you know that?" Benji asked her.
"I asked God."
Benji laughed and sighed happily. He finally let go of her and grasped her hand, leading her into the kitchen where Joel was making a sandwich on the counter.
"Who was at the door?" he asked, not looking up from his snack.
"I want you to meet some one," Benji said softly. "Joel, this is my daughter - Callie."
Joel turned around and noticed Callie standing next to Benji, holding his hand. "Holy mother of god," he gasped. "The bitch knew."
Benji laughed.
"Uncle Joel!" Callie said. "He swored, daddy!"
Benji smiled when he heard her call him daddy - he had never been happier in his entire life. And he knew that not everything had fallen apart - if it had, everything had put itself back together.
The End