Falling Apart
Chapter 5
By: Makena
Benji made his way back to the hospital where Paul was and climbed the stairs rather than taking the elevator.
"Hey," Joel said, greeting his brother outside Paul's door. "We've been waiting for you... Paul said there's something he needs to tell us." He paused. "Where'd you go, anyway?"
Benji shook his head and walked into Paul's room where he found Paul, trying to eat some hospital macaroni and a coke from the vending machine.
"Any help would be greatly appreciated," Paul pointed out, trying to pick the fork up with as little pain as possible.
"I don't wanna feed you!" Billy said. Paul pouted and batted his eyes until Billy finally grabbed Paul's fork and tried to shovel some of the food into Paul's mouth.
"Ewww..." Paul said, swallowing the first bite. "Maybe I'll just have some coke."
"How's it hanging?" Benji asked.
"Not real good," Paul admitted. "I got some news for you guys and I don't think it'll make your day any better than I'm sure it already was."
"Okay..." Benji said, standing at the foot of Paul's bed. "What's up?"
"See this?" Paul asked, holding up his bandaged hand.
"Where you got shot?" Joel asked. "We see it."
"Doctor said it tore some muscle or something important and I need some major therapy on it."
"That sucks," Joel said.
"Which means," Paul continued, "I won't be able to play bass."
"What?!"
"I can't play bass, okay? I kind of need my hands to play, right? I probably can after a couple of years and a lot of therapy, but - I probably won't be as good as I used to be."
"What are you saying Paul?" Benji asked. "That you can't play for Good Charlotte any more?"
"That's basically it," Paul said. "Like I really knew I was gonna get shot and that I have a choice."
"Shit," Joel cursed.
Billy remained quiet as they started thinking about holding bass auditions so Good Charlotte could still play. "I hate to do this to you guys, but just cause I'm out doesn't mean you guys can't play. I don't want Good Charlotte to fall apart because your bassist got shot."
"It's not like you could help it," Joel sighed. "At least we still got Billy."
"Actually," Billy spoke up. "I was asked to rejoin the metal band I was in before I joined Good Charlotte."
"And...?" Benji asked.
"I accepted." He paused. "And I quit."
"You QUIT?!" Benji asked. "You can't quit."
"Seems to me, I just did."
"Why?" Joel asked. "Why do you want to quit?"
"Maybe if you paid a little more attention to me, I wouldn't have even considered quitting."
"What?" Benji asked.
"It's always been about you two. Never little Billy. Just you. On MTV, on stage - fuck, anywhere we go, it's the Madden twins. And I'm sick of it. I quit." He stood up and began to walk out of the room.
"Billy, wait...!" Joel called, but all he got in response was the middle finger and Joel didn't try to chase him down.
"Fuck," Benji said, hitting his head against the wall. "The whole fucking world is falling apart."
-----
Joel convinced himself to drive to Billy's house after a while, but he couldn't get Benji to join him. Paul said he would have agreed, but he wasn't being released from the hospital until the next day and Joel needed to know Billy's motives. Joel got out of his car and grasped the chinese take-out bag in one hand. Billy opened the door before Joel had a chance to knock or change his mind.
"Hey," Joel said. "I was hoping we could talk...?" Billy shrugged and stood to one side so that Joel could enter. "I brought some Chinese over," Joel said, holding up the white paper bag. "Vegetarian - no chicken or cow or anything in it."
"Um, thanks," Billy said. "Just... put it on the table."
Joel nodded and walked to the dinning table where he opened the white bag and took out two boxes. He crumpled the bag up and threw it away while Billy lit up a cigarette and turned down the music that had been playing. "So, Billy. I..."
"I know why you're here," Billy informed Joel, placing his lighter back on the coffee table. "There's really not much else you could be here for."
Joel shrugged and let out a small laugh. "I guess you're right," he said. The two stood in silence for an uncomfortable moment, each on opposite sides of the room. "Why?" Joel asked finally, breaking the silence between them.
"I thought I told you guys back in the hospital," Billy said, picking up a glass of water he had on the coffee table.
"Not real... well, I guess maybe you did, but I was hoping... I was hoping there was a better reason then the one you gave us."
"You mean it being your fault?"
Joel nodded. Billy sighed, letting a cloud of smoke escape his mouth as he sat down on the couch.
"Yeah, there are other motives," he admitted. "But you two were some of the main ones."
Joel's heart sank. He didn't know what to say or how to take it. Instead, he just stood where he was and waited for Billy to add on to what he had said. Billy was apparently finished. "Um... what were the other motives?" Joel asked slowly.
"Here." Billy dug out a folded piece of yellow paper from between the seat cushions and handed it to Joel.
"I wrote it a while back, but I didn't really know when I'd see you again, or where."
Joel hesitated - this was the second note he had gotten since he had been on vacation, and the first one hadn't exactly brought the best of news. He finally reached out for it and unfolded it, scanning it with his eyes. Billy waited for him to finish, blowing clouds of smoke up and around the ceiling.When Joel finished, he let his hands fall to his side's as he looked up at Billy.
"That didn't explain any of your motives, Billy," he said.
"I know," Billy replied. "It said I was entitled to keep them to myself."
"Yeah, you're entitled to keep your motives to yourself, but we at least deserve some fucking explanation."
"Maybe you do deserve one," Billy said, putting his cigarette out in his glass of water. "But you don't always get what you deserve. I deserved a little more respect than what I got when we were away. Paul deserved more credit for playing his bass. You and Benji deserved a fucking father rather than some drunk ass bastard that ended up leaving you!"
Joel's eye's flared as Billy brought up his father and he crumpled the note in his hand. Billy stood up from the couch and faced Joel.
"Did any of us get any of those things? No! You know why? We thought we deserved it too fucking bad..."
"Don't you EVER talk about my father again, you sorry bastard!" Joel shouted.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Billy mocked. "I forgot you get a little touchy when people talk about your poor daddy - not like you'll ever see him again..."
"Fuck you!" Joel yelled before punching Billy in the face.
Billy fell backwards and felt his lip, which was bleeding a little, before scrambling up and attacking Joel.
"Let go you fucking son of a bitch!" Joel screamed, trying to push Billy away.
Billy swung and missed Joel's head by inches while Joel hit Billy in the eye. Billy - trying desperately not to get beaten in his own home - scrambled up and wrestled Joel to the floor and they continued to shout names at each other while throwing random, misguided punches until the phone rang.
"Phone!" Joel shouted, trying to throw Billy off him.
Billy got up to retrieve it, but Joel grabbed him around the legs so that he fell back down. The answering machine picked it up and that's where they both stopped.
"Billy?" Paul's voice rang through the house. "Billy? Are you there? Pick up if you're there."
Pause.
"Fuck. I don't know where you are, but you need to come to the hospital as soon as you get this or find Joel or something. Something happened - Benji... I think he tried to commit suicide or something. Shit. I don't know - his wrists were bleeding and - fuck, just come down here. Okay. Well - bye."
Joel and Billy looked at each other and immediately scrambled up and grabbed their keys and hoodies. Everything was forgiven until they were sure Benji was okay.
-----
Billy followed Joel's car to the hospital where they met and walked to the emergency room together as friends, pretending the fight they had never took place. Paul was fully clothed and sitting in the waiting room, flipping through a magazine that was resting in his lap.
"What happened?" Joel asked, rushing to his friend. "Where is he? I mean, is he okay... when did you get released?"
"I don't know," Paul said, standing up so that the magazine fell to the floor. "I don't know, I don't know and right before Benji got here."
"Are they holding him here?" Joel asked. "I mean, will he be able to come home tonight?"
"I don't know," Paul admitted. "Since it was a suicide attempt - they'll probably keep him over night, but... I don't know. I just heard about it when the doctor recognized him and asked if he was my friend."
"Fuck," Joel said, putting his hands on his head.
"If its worth anything, he did call 911 himself," Paul said.
Joel just walked around the room, not sure if he should cry or yell at something. Instead, he kicked a chair over. "First Callie, then this, and now he's trying to kill himself. What the fuck is wrong with the world?!"
Paul looked at Billy, who stuck his hands in his pockets. "What the fuck happened to you?" he asked. Billy looked up at Paul. He had a large bruise developing under his right eye, and his bottom lip was swollen and bleeding.
"That would be me," Joel responded, and Paul could see that he also was developing a bruise under on of his eyes. Paul looked between the two of them and sighed. "You'd think it was a fight, but I accidentally hit him with a car door and he stopped too fast so my face hit the dash board," Joel said.
"Really?" Paul questioned, obviously not believing it.
"No," Joel responded, rolling his eyes.
"I think I sprained a finger," Billy announced, shakily looking at one of the finger's on his right hand.
"Well, you're in the right place," Joel said, watching as Billy tried to move his sore finger without wincing.
"Is there a Mr. Joel Madden here?" a new voice asked, surprising them all.
"Er, yeah," Joel spoke up. "That's me."
"Good news - your brother is okay. We stopped the bleeding in time. We may have to keep him over night however."
"Why?" Joel asked. "Did he - was it... I mean..."
"A suicide attempt?" the doctor asked, taking one of the pens out of his pocket and flipping through some papers on the clip board he had been carrying. "That's what we were hoping to find out from you. Is there any reason this could have been an attempt?"
Joel shrugged. "I don't... well, there have been some recent events that kind of got him down, but - suicide?"
"Your brother insists that he didn't actually try to kill himself, but where he had been cut - it was just too odd of a place to have an accident happen. On one wrist, maybe, but both wrists had been slashed by the time the paramedics had gotten to your house."
"Fuck," Joel whispered. "Can I see him now?"
The doctor nodded and allowed Joel to see his brother, Billy and Paul following closely behind. They found Benji's room and were stopped when the nurse informed them that only family members were allowed at that time.
"I'm his brother," Joel told her. "See the resemblance?"
She let him pass, but wouldn't let Billy or Paul through. Joel walked in and saw Benji, trying to undo the sheets that were tucked into the side of the bed.
"Joel!" Benji said, looking up at his brother. "Fuck dude - I swear to god I didn't try to kill myself."
Joel nodded and looked down, noticing that both of Benji's wrists had been wrapped up in white bandages.
"I was just sitting there, and I decided I was hungry so I went to get some bread for a sandwich, but we didn't have any sliced bread so I had to get out one of those big knives and it slipped..." He paused to catch his breath. "You don't believe I tried to kill myself, do you?"
Joel shrugged and walked around the room for a while. "I don't know what to believe," Joel admitted, pacing up and down in front of Benji's bed.
"Quit it," Benji commanded. "You're making me nauseous. How can you not believe me?"
"Because you used to do this when you were a fucking alcoholic, Benji," Joel said. "Because you almost killed yourself when we were in high school. Because the knife slipping only covers what happened to one of your wrists, not both of them."
"What happened to you?" Benji asked suddenly.
"Billy and I got into a fight," Joel responded. "Don't change the subject."
"Sorry."
"Why don't you think when you do stuff like this, Benji? Remember Callie?"
"Yeah," Benji said softly. "I thought about her... but I swear to god, Joel, I didn't try to kill myself. You have to believe me."
Joel rubbed his eyes and tried to sort things out in his mind.
"Please," Benji continued. "Just get me out of here."
Joel looked at his brother and nodded. "Okay," he said. "I'll tell them it was just an accident. But I'm not lying because you told me to - I'm lying to them because I know how much you love Callie and I know that a suicide attempt can take away all your chances of ever becoming her father."
"It was an accident..." Benji said softly, but Joel had stopped listening.
He wandered into the hall where he was hounded by Billy and Paul, wanting news on their friend. "It was an accident," Joel lied, not looking at either of them. "It was just an accident."