The Double Line
Chapter 5
By: Erynn*Alice
I�m Joel.
I�m in Good Charlotte.
I�m 24 years old.
I�m not a happy person.
I�m a little suicidal.
I tried to kill myself last night. That probably makes me more than a little suicidal. I was going to hang myself by the shower curtain in the hotel room we stayed in last night. Benji was sleeping, and I told him I was going to take a shower. I tried to kill myself.
I failed.
I broke the curtain rod and bruised my elbow pretty bad.
�No, man, I�m fine. I�m alright. Don�t worry. I was just being dumb, trying to do pull-ups on the curtain rod. I�m fine, Benj, don�t worry.�
I don�t know what I was thinking really. I mean, I really don�t. After I hit my elbow hard on the bathtub, all I could think to do was laugh. I had to laugh, because I knew if I didn�t, I�d cry.
I�m a failure, and I�ve been a failure all my life. That�s all I am. I even failed at trying to kill myself. I even failed at getting into a community college. A community college, how dumb am I? How much of a failure must I be to not even be able to get into a community college?
Benji got in. I think he got more oxygen in the womb than I did. I know he did. I mean, even though I�m taller and a little bigger, he�s stronger and smarter in so many ways.
I wish I was Benji, sometimes, because he actually seems to care a little more about himself than I do. When we were in school, neither of us had much of a chance for homework, but he always seemed to get more done than I did. Neither of us failed a class, but he never got lower than a 68%. I never got lower than 60.01%, just barely making the grade.
I guess in life right now, I probably have a 60.01% considering that I am most definitely close to failing life. Or maybe life is close to failing me.
�Benji, I�m serious. I�m fine. My elbow hurts a little, but I�m okay.�
I love my brother, my twin, so much. He�s my best friend and other half, but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that the egg hadn�t split. I know if that egg hadn�t split things would have been better. I mean, it might have helped the family out financially and who knows, maybe if that egg hadn�t split, then maybe Dad would have stuck around just a little longer.
I think that if that egg hadn�t split, then the Madden family would have been Josh, Benji, and Sarah. There would be no Joel. I was the unexpected one, Benji was a given even if no one knew it, Benji was a given. I was the disappointment. I was the one who took up that extra seat at the dinner table and wasted everyone�s time.
Benji fights for what he believes in. I just sit back and let it happen, and then cry when it�s all over. Kill myself when it�s all over. He fought to get Dad back. I sat in my bed and cried. He�s kissed a lot of my girlfriends. I�ve lost a lot of girls to him. Maybe girls just like that fight and life in a man more than the deadliness inside of me. There�s death inside of me.
�Dude, it�s just because I banged my elbow. I�m not crying or anything, it just hurts.�
Benji wouldn�t understand failure. He thinks he does, but he doesn�t. No one understands failure until they�ve been me. No one understands it until they have to stand on a hot stage and try to please everyone in the crowd. Every night is a failure because every night there are at least ten kids who will go home unhappy with me. Not Good Charlotte, me.
I am the soul problem of this band. We wouldn�t be �posers� if the lead singer could play a fucking instrument. We wouldn�t be �pop� if the lead singer wouldn�t write such damn sappy love songs about girls who never loved him to begin with. We wouldn�t be �shitty� if the lead singer actually came out and said how he was feeling.
I am the soul problem of the earth, why am I here? Why the hell do I even wear these crosses on my neck? Probably because I�m feeding into all that bullshit they fed me in Sunday school about how Jesus died for YOU. Me. It makes me think that at least someone cares, but then I realize that he didn�t die for ME, he died to save everyone, not just me.
If I died, I would be dying for me. I�d die to save me.
�Just go back to bed, Benji, I�m fine. I�ll see you tomorrow, love you.�
Everyone thinks I�m so outgoing because they�ll see me do these interviews or sing these really emotional songs, but I�m so painfully shy. I can�t talk to anyone, girls and guys alike, without getting really nervous. It takes weeks for me to grow into someone enough for me to have a decent conversation. I usually meet people through Benji as far as guy friends go. As far as girls, well, I�ll meet them, but I can�t have them.
The girls that Benji brings around are for Benji. I don�t usually get girls unless someone needs me to be a wingman. The guys know that I�m horrible at being a wingman, so I hardly ever meet girls. I�ll sign autographs for the fans and I�ll make small talk, but I don�t think I�ve actually talked to a girl in a little over a year.
I am so lame.
�I said I love you, man, aren�t you going to say it back?�
I�m Joel.
I�m a problem.
I�m in Good Charlotte.
I�m a loser.
I�m 24 years old.
I�m an err
or in society.
I�m not a happy person.
I�m pathetic.
I�m a little suicidal.
I�m dead inside.
I haven�t talked to a girl in a little over a year.
I�m lonely.
I haven�t been kissed in well over a year.
I�m a virgin.