yee-haw
I fucking HATE summer. This is official. WHY WHY does summer exist??? I would rather sit naked in a snow bank than sweat in ninety degree weather. I know I'm in the minority here, most people look at me like I'm a few camels short of a caravan when I'm like "DUDE WHERE IS THE SNOW???". It's sad, really. I don't know how people in Texas and Arizona can stand it. If it was summer all year long I would have to move to freaking Canada. Fuck SARS. Summer is the real threat to health. I wonder how many people die of heat exahustion every year. Probably like, eleventy billion. I'm one of those annoying people who will make a snowball in January and keep it in the freezer until July...when I take it out to triumphantly slam some unsuspecting friend in the face with a snowball. This, of course, often results in great physical injury to myself, since most of my friends are very abusive. But it's worth it, for that one moment of winter. And what's up with the fucking bugs?? If anyone comes up to me and gets in my face and is all like, hey, summer RULES and you are an ASS for hating it, I'd be like, fine but in WINTER we have NO FREAKING ASS BUGS!! That's right, no wasps, no hornets, no bees, no spiders, no ants, no centipedes, no earwigs, no potato bugs. Here, we've got these things I've dubbed "Mutant Flies" because they are about the size of my fist, sting, and look like something out of the latest sci-fi flick. I'm not shitting you, these things are definitely NOT horseflies. THESE ARE MUTANTS. And guess what? THEY ARE DEAD IN WINTER!!! FUCKING DEAD!! Who doesn't want that? Come ON FOLKS. People who walk around saying they love summer should get stung by mutant flies. Then they should see straight. After the mind-bending TOXINS wear off, of course.
Ann Arbor is quite possibly the most boring city on the face of the planet. Don't argue with me, I know your type, the type who is all like, what the fuck? Ann Arbor RULES. WE HAVE ART FAIRS!!! AND STARBUCKS!! AND AN URBAN OUTFITTERS!!!! Okay. Shut the hell up. Just because a city is all artsy and creative and full of so-called free spirits (or as I like to call them, stuck-up snobby ass artsy people who think you are SO below them and are more concerned about their "scene" than having real lives) doesn't make a city cool. Or exciting. Or ground-breaking. No, it just makes a city really really irritating. And when the price of a Stucchi's ice cream cup runs about the same as a well-equipped Ford Focus is when I take the hint and realize I need to get the hell out of here. WHAT!? My strawberry shortcake ice cream cup costs my integrity as a human being??? DEAR GOD NO. Yes, it's definitely about time for me to be off. Where to, you say?
Today I would like to talk about the economy. The economy right now is what I like to call a huge pile of steaming llama doo. Everyone out there my age agrees with me, and if you don't you're wrong and nobody likes you so shut up. Where the hell did all the jobs go? A year ago it was a piece of cake to find some little shit ass part-time job in this city. All one had to do was walk into a business of one's choice and voila! you had a job, basically. Last summer I was able to just randomly choose places to work based entirely on their benefits (i.e. the waterpark, where I got paid to sit on my ass and listen to punk music.) and now I'm so desperate I'm nearly, (not yet, but almost) considering fast food restaurants. As my parents CONSTANTLY say, "we worked at a McDonald's there's nothing wrong with it." Except for the fact that there is NO DIGNITY in that job. The one upside of working at a fast food restaurant is that I might learn a second language since they are almost entirely employed by folk who speak spanish. Which, come to think of it, at least maybe they'd stick me at the drive thru window instead of a grill since I can speak English and all. Nevermind that whole last paragraph. There is no way in hell I will work at a fast food restaurant, I just can't bring myself to do it. I'd rather have my toes chewed off by a prarie dog. Slowly.