Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in my own problems. This is usually when something happens that will change my perspective on everything.
This weekend I lost someone. Not someone I knew terribly well, not someone I was terribly close to, not even someone that I think I would have been a great friend with. But she was someone I knew, someone I had spoken to and someone I cared what happened to.
I had had an awful weekend but this just bought it all into perspective. Today is day two of my current health kick. I have stopped drinking, this is very important. I shouldn't drink, there are many reasons why not, but the main one is I once had a problem with drinking and I can feel myself slipping back into bad habits.
I have good friends and they are all giving me their unique perspective on what is wrong with my life. I stopped listening to other people�s opinions sometime yesterday. I spoke to the girl I think I like, the one I'm not sure I trust, earlier. I didn't feel much, a sense of pain perhaps, disappointment, realisation. Resentment. That she could walk away from this weekend and say the things she said then and the things she said today confuses me.
But she is not me and I allow her to be different, think the way she thinks. It is unfair to expect her to live up to my expectations. If she wishes to be in my life, she will understand me and understand all I need from her is respect and friendship.
I wish to be myself at the moment. I want to learn who I am and learn to like myself for what and who I am. I need to learn the meaning of me. This is no longer a want in my eyes, it is something that I have to do in order to get on with my life. I guess Sharon is right when she says I'm self-destructing. But she's wrong when she says that she's scared I'll do something stupid. Because I couldn't hurt my friends and family like that. It would be so wrong.
I will admit that for the first time in a long time I am scared. I hope that means I'm ready to face what ever is scaring me. I have Goosebumps as I write this and actually feel pysically ill. Although for the first time today I am smiling, thinking fondly of a friend who made me laugh. Small things really do matter when you are down. And the simple fact that a friend appreciated something I did to make her smile has made my day seem worthwhile.
I vaguely remember a quote I once heard that said something like "It takes only one good thing to make my day worthwhile, only one good thing to make me smile, it takes one good thing to cancel out, all those bad things that made me shout. One good thing today was done and that one good thing, it was the sun."
This is all I can write right now. I need time away to breathe and remember why I like being me. When I remember I'll let you know. Keep living in peace, the world needs more of that now than ever before.
Love jin xoxox