THE COMPLEAT BLOND: A BUYER'S GUIDE - ----- Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! - ----- Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes his/her hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. - ----- Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicapped zone. - ----- Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get f*cked up when they're on their back. - ----- Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in his/her ear. - ----- Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. - ----- A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving. - ----- Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! - ----- Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in his/her shoulder pads. - ----- Q: Why don't blondes eat Jell-O? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. - ----- Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. - ----- Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. - ----- Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." - ----- Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: They make good ankle warmers. - ----- Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? A: "All the blondes have gone home!" Q: What's the mating call of the redhead? A: "Next!" - ----- Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (Regional joke -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it. - ----- Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first. - ----- Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits (teats for all the purists) go in first. - ----- Q: What does a blonde put behind his/her ears to make him/her more attractive? A: His/her ankles. - ----- Q: What do you say to a Blonde who won't give in? A: "Have another beer." - ----- A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!" - ----- Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. - ----- Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces him/herself. A2: Walks home. - ----- Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. - ----- Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in his/her ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" - ----- Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: Because they don't know any better. - ----- Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? A1: "What's a light bulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaaddy!" - ----- Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine? A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!" - ----- Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of his/her head? A: All you can eat, under a buck. - ----- Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. - ----- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. - ----- Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.