RITUAL
SUICIDE
George Carlin once remarked that:
“What we need more of in American society is ritual suicide.”
Recently I came across a secret recording made during a visit by Ken
Lay, the late and great CEO of Enron, when he was consulting with his Public
Relations specialist, Bob. The following is a blow by blow account of what
transpired in that meeting. “Dubya” used
to refer to his good friend Ken Lay as “Kenny Boy” or maybe “Kenny Baby” and
from time to time Bob will also refer to him in
that affectionate manner.
Ken:”OK, Bob, where are we now? We have looked at all the
alternatives concerning how I can get out from under this Enron mess except
ritual suicide.”
“Ritual suicide, what do you mean?”
“You know, I kill myself, perhaps with a gun in the
mouth, and then I get back the respect and sympathy of the American people.”
“Man are you crazy? You will never be around to cash in
on your new found respect. No appearances on Oprah or Larry King, no major book
deals or TV mini-series. Besides ritual suicide has traditionally been engaged
in by men of honor at a point in time at which they felt that they had seriously damaged their society. They saw it as an
honorable way out of a bad situation. I think that you hardly qualify as a man
of honor, Kenny Baby.”
“Well since you put it that way. It’s true I will not be
able to cash in on it personally and thus make a mint off of it.”
“That’s right you see the point. After all don’t forget
that you are living in America, where we can never talk about ourselves except
in the superlative mode. Well, besides being the greatest society the world has
ever known, the greatest democracy the world has ever seen, the freest society
ever, we are also the greediest society the world has ever known. So you were
only living the American dream, man.”
“I don’t want to get preachy here,” Bob continued, “but
my eyes moist over when I think about how you personify the American dream.
What did you do wrong, Kenny Baby? You lied, cheated, intimidated others and
stole ruthlessly as you clawed your way to the top heap of corporate America.
Man, what you did is American as apple pie, motherhood and the flag. Think of
how many Americans envy you because they didn’t have the chance to do the
same.”
“What you say is true,” Ken replied. “But there are some
people who see me as a slimy predator, as a low life who stole from my
employees so that they will have no pensions left when they retire. I jumped
from a sinking ship with bags full of cash to the tune of around a hundred and
fifty million dollars and didn’t look back as the ship sank with most of the
Enron employees on it.”
“That’s right, Kenny Baby, there are a few bleeding
hearts around who have vilified you. They believe in honesty, truthfulness and
equal justice for all and claim that this is what America is all about. I will
tell you what America is about. I have a favorite phrase that became popular
during the Reagan years, “Greed Is Good.” That’s what America has always been
about and so don’t believe anyone who tells you anything different in Fourth of
July speeches.”
At this point Bob’s normally high pitched voice seemed to
climb an octave higher as he began to sketch in bold brush strokes the Ken Lay
rescue package.
“Well, where do we begin,” says Ken.
“First off, we have to resign ourselves to your ass being
hauled into court by the Justice Department. They have to do this so that it
appears that they are protecting the American people from corporate marauders
like yourself. Don’t be fooled for a moment by their rhetoric. They will be
willing to strike a deal with your legal team at the drop of a hat. Your legal
dream team will be headed by F. Lee Bailey who will be responsible for changing
the public’s perception of you as a victimizer to being a victim. Remember how
well he did this for O.J.? Then he will strike a deal with the justice
department. You will get a token six month sentence to be served at a country
club prison built especially to accommodate upper class deviants like yourself.
Never forget, Ken, that in America we have the best legal system money can
buy.”
Ken now warming up
to the discussion at hand asks: ”Will there be a golf course at this country club
prison?”
“Of course, it has a golf course, swimming pool, TV in
every room, private kitchen and all of the amenities that the good white collar
criminal expects in his prison accommodations. No lower class scum in this
prison.”
“Now while you are in prison I will hire a ghost writer
to write your memoirs. We could call it “The Scum Also Rises”, sorry about that
little insider joke. After all you know all about insider trading, don’t you?
Well, I like little insider jokes.”
“And now for the piece de resistance,” Bob continued,
“while you are in prison we will implement the Chuck Colson scenario. Remember
Chuck was the hack lawyer in the Nixon administration who was reported to have
said that: “He would drive over his granny to get Nixon re-elected.” As you
know he spent a few months in prison and during that time he found Jesus. He
became a “Born Again.” When he was released from prison he got all kinds of
media attention as a converted crook who now lives only for Jesus.”
“Do you really think that would work?, Ken replied.
“Trust me on this, Kenny Baby. Americans will always fall
for, I mean they love to embrace penitent white collar criminals going about
doing good works once they have been released from prison. It is absolutely
irresistible for them. For sure, it will impress John Askcroft, the Attorney
General. Maybe you might get invited to one of his prayer breakfasts. Finally
we might be able to arrange to prop up Billy Graham and point him in your
direction and let him pronounce an incomprehensible blessing on you, thus
making official your re-integration into the ranks of the good,
God fearing American public.”
Ken now looks at Bob and says: “Yeah, I think that you
have convinced me. No ritual suicide for me, but what will I have left? Won’t
my reputation be in shatters?”
“Kenny Baby, you
are going to walk away from this with all your property intact and a hundred
and fifty million in the bank minus a few million for lawyers and myself. You
will be treated as an honored guest on the Larry King show at which time you
can appear to be penitent and sorry for what you did and you can speak
glowingly about how Jesus is now your personal Savior. Of course, your
penitence and sorrow will never be followed by returning any of the money you
took with you as you abandoned the Enron sinking ship. Yes it is true that you
ruined thousands of lives, caused millions of other Americans to lose billions
of dollars as the stock market fell after the Enron collapse, but what you did,
in effect, is in the best traditions of American society. As far as your reputation is concerned, don’t
worry about it. It is true that most Americans realize that you may have left
devastation all around you but just think of it, you will be laughing all the
way to the bank. That is what your fellow citizens will remember and they will
envy you for your financial acuteness, not condemn you for it.”
“I
hardly know what to say,” Ken replied his eyes misting over, “God am I ever
proud to be an American!”
Francis W. Reuterman
Rota, Spain
07 July 2002