Twelve Days of Crissmas On Da Bayou

Day 1

Dear Boudreaux,

Thanks for da bird in da Pear tree.  I fix it las' night with dirty rice.  I doan tink da pear tree will grow in da swamp, so I swap it for a satsuma.

Day 2

Dear Boudreaux,

You letter say you sent two turtledoves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons.   Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.

Day 3

Dear Boudreaux,

Why doan you sent some crawfish?  I'm tired of eating dem darn birds.  I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux.  Marie needed some sparing partners for her fighting rooster.

Day 4

Dear Boudreaux,

Mon Dieux!

I tol you no more friggin’ birds.  Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville.  I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed da rest of dem to da gators.

Day 5

Dear Boudreaux,

You finally sen' somethin' useful.  I like dem golden rings, me.  I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at da Raisin' Cane Lounge.

Merci Beaucoup!

Day 6

Dear Boudreaux,

Couchon!

Back to da birds, you coonass turkey!  Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeses.  He tried to eat dem eggs and dey peck da heck out ah his snout.   Dey good at eatin' cockroaches, though.  I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on Crissmas day.

Day 7

Dear Boudreaux,

I'm gonna wring your fool neck nex time I see you.  Thibeau, da mailman, iz ready to kill ya.  The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat.  He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good.  I let those seven swans loose to swim on da bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of da water.   Talk to you tomorrow.

Day 8

Dear Boudreaux,

Poor ole Thibeau -- he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin’ and their cows.  One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat.  I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no.  I tolt dem to get to work guttin’ fish and sweepin’ the shack, but dey say it wasn't in dair contract.  Dey probably think dey too good ta skin da nutrias I caught las night.

Day 9

Dear Boudreaux,

What you trying to do, huh?  Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin’ twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou.  As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets.  I doan know what dat means, but I said, ‘Well, La Di Da. You get chicory coffee or nuttin’’.

Mon Dieu, Emile.  What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos?  Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and da cows done eat my turnip greens.

Day 10

Dear Boudreaux,

You got to be outs you mind! If da mailman don't kill you, I will fo sure. Today, he deliver 10 half nekid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be Ladies dancin,' but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet paper. The Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords' royal behine.

Day 11

Dear Boudreaux,

Where y'at?  Cheerio an pip pip.  Your 11 pipers pipin’ arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat.  We fixed snuffed goose and shrimp jambalaya, finished da whiskey and we havin’ a fais-do-do.  Da new mailman, he drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an havin’ a good time yeah dancing with de floozies.  Thibeau, he jump off da Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screamin' your name.   If you get a mysterious, ticking package in da mail, doan open it.

Day 12

Dear Boudreaux,

I sorry to tell ya, but I not your true love anymore, no.  After da fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacque, da head piper.  We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on da bayou.  The floozies...pardon me, Ladies dancin’ can make $20 for a table dance, and da Lords can be waiters an valet park da boats.  Since da maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimpin' business.  We will probably gross a million clams nex year.