Disclaimer: I don’t own them.
Okay, this fic was really hard for me to write cause a few years ago, I guess I was twelve or thirteen; I was manic depressive and even contemplated suicide several times. This song always struck a nerve for me and the fic means a lot so I’d appreciate the reviews. The song, Runaway Train, is by Soul Asylum.
By: Dai-na
Seto fought desperately to blink the fog out of his eyes but it was a futile gesture. Exhaustion had long since set in and he was shaking from the lack of sleep. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d even gotten in a few hours of rest. Three, maybe four days? He’d been cramped in his office, working himself to the bone, despite the protests of his weary body and mind. It was the only thing he could do to keep everything at bay. All the desperation and pain that had been gnawing at him had become too much for him to bear.
Ever since Mokuba had turned nineteen and moved out he’d been forced to accept the fact that his little brother no longer needed him. He no longer had a driving purpose in life, something to keep him focused. He had relied on Mokuba to be his anchor, to give him a reason for even being there. Maybe he had even forced his brother to become dependant on him just so he wouldn’t lose touch with reality. But Mokuba was too self-sufficient to rely on him for long and he realized that he’d been stifling his brother, that he was the one who had been dependant.
And now he was alone.
Everything that he had kept at bay for so long, for the sake of his little brother he’d told himself, the death of his parents, the lonely years in the orphanage, the abuse of his adoptive father, everything was now crashing down on him and he had no refuge from it.
He was startled when he heard a soft rapping at his office door and looked up to see Yugi peaking his head in.
Now in his twenties, Yugi was tall and slender, looking incredibly like his Yami, so much that it startled him sometimes. His eyes were still somewhat wide but his face had lost its youthful roundness. The younger boy blinked at him, concerned.
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burnnin’
I was a key that could use a little turnnin’
“Hey, can I come in?” He asked softly, the years having no effect on his tentativeness. Seto nodded, still startled by the other’s presence and the smaller boy came into the room quietly shutting the door. The concern on Yugi’s face was magnified when he got close enough to get a good look at Seto.
“What can I do for you, Yugi.” He asked, grimacing at the weariness in his voice. Yugi’s sweet eyes were openly appraising him and it made him uncomfortable.
“Are you alright, Seto? Mokuba told me that he hadn’t heard from you in days. He’s really worried about you.” Yugi chided. Seto felt something in him sink, increasing his depleting mood. Of course that’s why Yugi was here. He was checking up on him for Mokuba. He didn’t know why but the thought made his chest constrict painfully. He sighed deeply and gave Yugi what he hoped was a steady look.
“I’m fine Yugi, I just have a lot of work to do.” He said, letting the lie fall easily from his lips. Yugi’s concerned gaze turned angry.
“’You’re fine’?! How can you say that? Have you looked in the mirror lately; you’re a wreck!” He ranted, grabbing Seto by the chin and bringing his face close. Seto found himself unable to breathe with the other boy’s face so close.
Yugi softened his expression and lowered his voice.
“You’re eyes are all red and the shadows beneath them are huge. You’re practically shaking and you look like it wouldn’t even take a strong wind to knock you over. Are you even eating?” He asked softly.
He hadn’t been.
He mustered up his will power and pulled away from the other boy.
“I said I’m fine Yugi. Now, if there’s nothing else, I have work to do.” Yugi looked hurt by his curt dismissal and pulled back a little. He began to head for the door but turned back before he reached it.
“Mokuba’s not the only one who’s worried about you Seto. We’re all here if you need us.” He insisted. His violet eyes belaying his concern. “I’m here.” He added so softly that Seto barely heard him then left the room.
So tired and I couldn’t even sleep
So many secrets I couldn’t keep
Promised myself I wouldn’t weep
But more promise I couldn’t keep
With a heaving sigh, Seto fell back into his chair, trying hard to compose himself. He brought a hand to his head, trying to ward off a headache that was threatening to take up residence and tried to control his heavy breathing. Somehow, the young man’s visit had shaken him up even more. But then, Yugi had always done that to him, even when he hadn’t been a nervous wreck.
The thought made him laugh harshly. He could barely remember a time when he hadn’t been on the edge. Those days so many years ago, the Duelist Island, Battle City, they seemed like some faraway dream to him. Everything had been so clear back then. Even when he’d been confused as hell by Yugi’s ‘heart of the cards’ spiel it had all still made sense. It had all held together.
When did everything get so screwed up? He wondered. His heartbeat had begun to return to something resembling healthy and he closed his eyes and wondered just why Yugi had such an effect on him. Why he made him want to grab a hold of him and cling to him for dear life until the storm that raged inside of him finally subsided. Even when he had been so small, his head barely reaching Seto’s waist, there had been something so steady, so secure about him that he had always envied.
He knows that he’s loved and what his purpose is. That’s something I haven’t had for a long time.” He though dimly.
The shakes inside of him had grown steadily and he realized absently that they had turned into sobs. Tears of exhaustion, both physical and emotional, were beginning to stream down his cheeks.
I’m in too deep there’s no way out
This time I have really led myself astray.
He tucked his feet up into his chair, pulling his knees up against his chest and sobbed softly, the sound magnified by the silence in the spacious room. He cried until his throat was raw and his chest hurt from the sobs wracking his body but he still didn’t understand why the tears had begun streaming down his face in the first place. Everything was so jumbled up inside of him that he couldn’t make sense of any of it.
He swiped furiously at his tears, wanting them to stop and his gaze landed on the letter opener that sat on his desk.
With a detached perspective he contemplated it for a moment. At the moment he could honestly say that he didn’t really care one way or another if he died but there was something about suicide that particularly didn’t appeal to him. It seemed so weak, like a cowards way out. But then, at the moment he was feeling weak and cowardly. He picked up the blade and weighed it experimentally in his hands. He could end it all. All the pain, the suffering that he could no longer fight off and settle into a peaceful oblivion. He could up give all the misery that this world had thrust upon him and finally have peace.
But he would have to give up Mokuba.
Despite everything that tormented him, his love for his brother still shone strongly. He wondered, if he died, if Mokuba would be the only one who missed him.
“Mokuba’s not the only one who’s worried about you, Seto. We’re all here if you need us.”
Yugi’s words drifted through his mind. The young man had said them so sincerely, like if he believed nothing else he believed that. And he wondered just how deep the other’s concern ran. How deep did he want it to?
“I’m here.” Seto shivered as the whispered assurance came back to him.
With a curse he realized that, without even thinking about it, he had drawn the blade of the letter opener across the palm of his hand, neatly slicing the skin. He watched, oddly transfixed by the crimson fluid pooled in his hand then as it trickled down his wrist.
Wrong way on a one-way track
But somehow I’m neither here nor there
He threw the blade down on his desk and balled his fist, ignoring the searing pain that it sent through his entire arm. Startled by what had happened, he fled from the office building out into the torrential rain. The weather seemed to suit his state of mind as he ran, not knowing where he was going. Just that he had to get away. Through the rapid downpour, he couldn’t see anything ahead of him. He could only make out blurred lights and sounds but that didn’t matter to him. Destruction was on his heels.
His clothes were soaked through and the cold, damp material clung to him, chilling him through. He didn’t know how long he ran, or how far but his legs burning despite the chill and with every breath he took it felt like he was swallowing splinters of ice.
His escape had left him standing in front of an all-too-familiar shop and without even realizing it; he was pounding on the door desperately.
The door opened and he found himself faced with confused violet eyes. The sight warmed him through and he completely forgot about the throbbing pain in his hand.
Yugi’s eyes went wide and he quickly ushered him inside. The young man quickly ran to get him a towel and Seto graciously accepted it. Yugi’s grandfather had passed away a few years back and now it was just Yugi running the shop. With only his Yami to keep him company, Seto wondered if the other was lonely.
Yugi was asking him questions but none of them seemed to pierce the haze that filled his mind. He heard the smaller one gasp and allowed him to take his wounded hand, staring at it, startled.
“Seto, what did you do?” He asked. The boy had a frightened look in his eyes, as the cut could somehow hurt him as well. Seto was confused by it and found himself unable to speak when the other’s shimmering violet eyes stared up at him.
Realizing that he wasn’t getting an answer, Yugi ran out of the room to retrieve the first aid kit. Seto mutely allowed him to bandage his hand, losing himself in the other’s tender touch.
Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
When Yugi finally looked up from his hand, he realized that the other had been crying. Disturbed by it, he reached up his uninjured hand to brush away the crystalline drops. The younger one seemed startled by the contact. Seto was as well, though neither made any move to pull it away.
Almost hesitantly, he let his hand ran slowly over the other’s cheek, softly caressing it. Yugi’s eyes widened further but, to Seto’s surprise, he leaned into the hand, sighing softly as the tears continued to flow for both of them.
Startling them both, Seto leaned forward and brushed his lips over one of the damp streams. Yugi’s eyes shot open and Seto saw a mixture of emotions flickering in their violet depths. Confusion, apprehension and underneath it all, hope. It was that tiny glimmer that called out to him, that begged him for something solid and true. Seto gave him the only thing he could.
He felt more than heard Yugi’s quick intake of breath as he tilted his chin up before brushing his lips over is. Seto found himself clinging to the young man desperately as his lips moved hesitantly under his. Yugi’s hands were on his back, holding him close as if trying to take his body into his, to make them one. Moaning lightly against the other’s lips he flicked his tongue out over them, asking for entrance. Yugi gave it to him, parting his lips and accepting his questing tongue.
Seto though he was going to drown in the glorious taste of the other. Another wave of emotions crashed over him, adding to the already tremulous whirlpool that surrounded him but these feelings were far more pleasant. He laid back against the couch, bringing Yugi with him and the other offered no protest. He clung to the smaller one, holding onto him as if his life depended on it.
He thought vaguely that it just might.
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drowning in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
He pulled his lips from Yugi’s allowing them to plant tiny kisses over the other’s features before burying his own face in his hair. He cried into the silky strands, taking comfort in the fell of the other’s arms around him, protecting him from everything in his life that had gotten too out of control. If nothing else, he needed this boy, needed the comfort he offered, the safety he possessed and, maybe even his love.
As the sobs began to subside he felt the other raining kisses along his neck, murmuring soothing promises. He couldn’t make them out but they sounded nice. He gasped a little when the kisses turned into tiny nips and Yugi’s hands were running, explorative, over his body. He shivered at the feel of his warm hands heating him through his clothes. Slowly, he brought his hands to the other’s waist and slipped them beneath his shirt. The smaller boy moaned against his neck but offered no protest so he pressed forward, pulling the garment from him. Yugi shivered as the cool air hit his skin but just resumed his conquest of Seto’s neck. He ran his hands over the other’s bare torso, trailing his fingers over the revealed skin. He once again buried his face in Yugi’s hair when the smaller one unbuttoned his wet shirt, parting it, and let his hot mouth trail down over his chest. He shivered against the smaller one; dazed by what was happening and the sensations he was feeling.
“Save me, Yugi.” He pleaded to the smaller one, holding him tight. “Bring me back before I’m too far gone.”
Yugi looked up at him with tear-filled violet eyes and he fell into them, losing himself in the emotions that he’d never seen there before. Or the ones that he’d never allowed himself to notice. Yugi leaned over him and cradled his face in his delicate hands. Seto couldn’t help bringing his uninjured hand up to cover one, holding it to him. The desperation that shone in the other’s eyes mirrored his own.
“Hold on to me, Seto. Hold on and I will never let you go.” He promised, sealing the vow with a light kiss that seemed to fill something hollow in him.
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don’t believe it.
He nodded, unable to speak around the emotion lodged in his throat. With a slight smile, Yugi sat up, straddling his waist. Slowly he ran his hands over Seto’s chest, letting the warmth of his hands seep into his chilled damp skin. Seto felt his eyes drift shut as pleasure washed over him. His bit his lip to bite back a moan when the smaller one brushed his thumb experimentally over one of his beaded nipples. He brought his hand to the belt of Yugi’s pants forcing it open. He wanted nothing more between them, wanted to feel the other’s warm skin pressed solely against him with nothing hindering it. Understanding, Yugi helped him work them off then set to work one peeling the wet material of Seto’s own pants from his legs. Finally there was nothing but skin against skin and Seto was lost in the feel of it.
Soon, Yugi’s lips had replaced the hand on his chest and he gaped as those hands explored his body, running over him at a leisurely pace. He let his own hand roam over the other, feeling him, memorizing every detail. His skin was soft and warm beneath his hands and his body seemed to fit wonderfully against Seto’s molding to him as if he were made just for him.
Reluctantly, he pulled Yugi’s mouth from his chest, instantly missing the warmth. He looked the smaller one directly in the eyes and his message must have shone clearly because Yugi’s eyes widened and he stared at him, awed by what he was offering.
He gave the other a nod of confirmation and Yugi leaned in and kissed him soundly before moving down his body to settle between his legs. With his eyes never leaving Seto, he positioned himself and pressed forward, filling him with one stroke. Seto gasped at the instant pain but reveled in it. It felt good to him. The sharp, burning pain in comparison to the dull, throbbing ache that he’d been constantly living with felt wonderful and made him feel more alive than he had in years. And when the pain passed he felt amazingly full. The emptiness that haunted him finally gone.
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
But somehow I’m neither here nor there
He surrendered himself to the smaller boy, giving himself as a silent token of need, of love and he held on to him tightly and he possessed him, afraid to let go, afraid to lose him when everything broken inside of him had finally begun to mend. He wrapped his legs around the other’s thighs, taking him deeper and crying out at the feeling. He whimpered Yugi’s name into the silky, multicolored strands of his hair. The smaller one whispered soft, passionate endearments into his ear, his warm breath brushing over him, making him shiver.
When he finally collapsed back against the couch, crying out his release, the tears were falling harder than ever but he welcomed them .Yugi followed him over the edge and fell limply against him. He could feel the smaller one crying against his chest and he pulled him up, burying is face in his shoulder, stroking his hair. Neither knew how long they laid like that, clinging to each other through the onslaught of desperation and love but they held tightly, never letting go.
Seto felt the ever elusive peace he’d craved for so many years finally settle over him and he felt into a dreamless sleep, content in the arms of the one he’d given himself to completely.
Yugi laid awake for a while after just watching him, afraid that he might disappear before brushing a small kiss over his parted lips and allowing himself a light rest.
Like a madman
laughing at the rain
A little outta touch; little insane
It’s just easier than dealing with the pain
Runaway train never goin’ back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
But somehow I’m neither here nor there
Runaway train never comin’ back
Runaway train tearin’ up the track
Runaway train burnin’ in my veins
I runaway but it always seems the same
~~Owari~~
Well, that’s that. I made Seto uke in this but I probably never will again. It just seemed right for the story. I hope you enjoyed it.
Please review.