FELGER’S RABBIT WABBIT WAFFLE
Jackdoll glared at the
backyard of the farmhouse, his nose twitching with disgust as he took in a
crowd of rabbits huddled together by the fence. What the hell were they doing invading his house and garden? Okay, it was Dannydoll’s and Sammiedoll’s
and Teal’cdoll’s house and garden too, and all the rubber babies, but that
wasn’t the point. The rabbits were
unbidden, unwelcome and as far as Jackdoll was concerned, they were pests.
Jackdoll’s tiny vinyl
fingers twitched around his plastic P90.
“Hmmmm,” he growled thoughtfully, “Target practice.”
-o-
“You can’t do that!”
Dannydoll complained vigorously.
“Why? Because they’re furry and cuddly, and might
have a small Beagle gene?” Jackdoll threw back with disdain. “Honestly, Dannydoll, if we selected all our
targets on the basis of huge honkin’ ugly, we’d never hit a singe Goa’ulddoll,
fer cryin’ out loud.”
“But they’re rabbits, or
wabbits,” Dannydoll continued.
“And your point is?”
Jackdoll smirked stroking the smooth black weapon in his hand.
“Not the same as yours,
obviously,” Dannydoll grunted.
There had to be a way of
dealing with these wabbits humanely. It
wasn’t their fault they’d ended up corralled in the back yard. Maybe they should construct a hutch, somewhere
safe for the wabbits to go, and preferably away from the pointed end of
Jackdoll’s gun.
-o-
“Look at this, Jackdoll,”
Dannydoll said and pushed the latest copy of the Felger Times across the table.
Jackdoll frowned over his
toast, but did as his loverdoll asked.
Reading, his mouth dropped open.
MASSAPEQUA PARK, N.Y. (AP) -- Animal rights activists
are hopping mad because they can't find the wascals who've been dumping
domestic wabbits all over the place.
People have been dropping the cute furry pets on
roadways, in parks and near school grounds on the South Shore with increasing
regularity in recent months, animal control experts said. Earlier this month, a man was seen dumping
20 rabbits in a box at a train station and driving away, Long Island Rabbit
Rescue Group volunteer Nancy Schreiber said.
The domesticated rabbits often can't fend for
themselves in the wild and end up starving to death or being killed by raccoons
or diseases.
Many of the rabbits found by the rescue group have
been young and infested with fleas or ticks.
They've been treated, fed, cleaned and put up for adoption.
The Nassau County Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Animals was trying to figure out who was responsible for dumping the
cuddly critters, and the Rabbit Rescue Group was offering a $5,000 reward.
Gerry McBride, who handles criminal complaints for
the SPCA, said, "It sounds like someone is raising rabbits and trying to
get out of the business."
“Fleas or ticks?
Eeeewwww,” Jackdoll shuddered, “That’s gross!”
“It’s not their fault,” Dannydoll insisted.
“No, and they’re not our responsibility either.”
“So what do you suggest, Jackdoll?”
“Oh, a little P90-fest, or maybe some carefully
planted C4.”
“C’mon, Jackdoll, you know I know you’re just
kidding. Even you wouldn’t go
that far,” Dannydoll grinned, fluttering his eyelids and making his googly eyes
go all soft and comehither. He knew his
doll, and there was no way Jackdoll would shoot or explode a small group of
defenceless furry animals…not really.
Jackdoll grinned back. “I hate little gway wabbits,” he laughed doing his best Elmer
Fudd impression.
-o-
After breakfast, while Jackdoll stalked the backyard
and Teal’cdoll constructed the hutch, Dannydoll sat in the kitchen and watched
through the window. His little vinyl
brain was working overtime. What if the
animals could be looked after in the hutch, and one or two at a time were let
out for feeding and exercise? Dannydoll
smiled. Letting the wabbits out now and
again would allow them the freedom to achieve their own creative goals, confirm
their right to exist and save them from getting shot up, blown up or carved up
by an over zealous Jackdoll.
Dannydoll figured he would have to find support for
his idea, some allies to argue for the rights of rabbits, or was that wabbits?
-o-
That night, Jackdoll and
Dannydoll were in bed and neither was asleep.
In fact Jackdoll was thinking about wabbits and so was Dannydoll. They both had very different views though.
Jackdoll just wanted to
exterminate them, and Dannydoll wanted to share his feelings about them.
“Jackdoll?” he whispered,
“I’ve had a thought.”
“Oh here we go,” Jackdoll
muttered, his googly eyes rolling in his head.
“What is it, Dannydoll?”
“Have you ever seen wabbits
procreate?”
“What?”
“Have you watched the way
wabbits multiply, how they rub up against each other and within moments,
they’re increasing in numbers, reproducing, proliferating. They just become more, their population
swells, burgeons,” he hissed suggestively.
“How about add to, augment, boast, amplify, raise, enhance…enlarge? There’s growing, and…mounting.”
Jackdoll swallowed. When he had a sudden vision of wabbits doing
all the things Dannydoll’s words described, he reached for the small fridge
alongside their bed and grabbed his hardened UHU adhesive putty dick, ramming
it hard against his groin to make it stick.
Within moments he and Dannydoll were engaged in fast bunny-style
fucking, each taking it in turns to move their vinyl hips back and forth with
the energy and force of wandy wabbits.
-o-
The next morning as the
SG1dolls sat around the breakfast table, Dannydoll looked at Sammiedoll and
Teal’cdoll. Receiving the slight
lowering of eyelids from Teal’cdoll and a smile from Sammiedoll, Dannydoll took
a breath.
“Jackdoll?”
“What is it, Dannydoll?”
Jackdoll asked as he sipped his dolly coffee.
“We have to do something
about those wabbits.”
“Oh yeah, I can’t argue with
that,” Jackdoll nodded.
“I think we should just
leave them in the hutch and let them come out a few at a time for feeding and
exercise.”
“What?” Jackdoll was more than a little pissed. He’d been looking forward to wabbit stew.
“Sir, Dannydoll has a
point,” Sammiedoll said. “For a start,
we haven’t even checked them out. They
could be rabbits or they could be wabbits, y’know, plot bunnies.”
Frowning, Jackdoll looked at
Teal’cdoll for support. Mouthing the
words ‘plot bunnies’ he hoped the Jaffadoll would help him out. All Teal’cdoll did was twitch an eyebrow.
“Okay, Sammiedoll, I know
you’re just dying to tell me, so go ahead knock yourself out. What’s the difference between wabbit and
rabbit?” Jackdoll sighed knowing he was outnumbered and outmanoeuvred.
Clearing her throat Sammiedoll launched into her diatribe. “Rabbits are small mammals in the family
Leporidae of the order Lagomorpha, found in several parts of the world.”
“And in our backyard,” Jackdoll muttered.
Undeterred, Sammiedoll continued.
“There are seven different genera in the family classified as rabbits,
including the European rabbit, cottontail rabbit, and the Amami rabbit which is
an endangered species.”
“If I get my way those damned wabbits out there will all be
endangered,” Jackdoll said through gritted teeth.
“There are many other species of rabbit, and these along with
cottontails, pikas and hares make up the order Lagomorpha. Rabbits generally live between four and
twenty years.”
“Not here they won’t!” Jackdoll growled.
“There are other definitions of rabbit, sir,” Sammiedoll added.
Rolling his eyes, Jackdoll tutted.
“Gowan.”
“Um, Jackdoll? There are some different definitions,”
Daniel said. “A wabbit is an idea for a
story usually used to refer to fanfic that gnaws at the brain or ankle until
written. A wabbit in this context is
also known as a plot bunny, most of which are stored in a hutch, rather like
the one Teal’cdoll has just built.”
By now Jackdoll’s googly
eyes were glazed and he had a headache.
“Sometimes authors’ complain
of writer’s block, even though they have a hutchfull of wabbits. So having wabbits doesn’t necessarily mean
they are let loose or contribute to general creativity.”
Blinking, Jackdoll could
only imagine the likelihood of a military man called General Creativity. Shaking his little plastic head he groaned.
“So what do we have in the
backyard, rabbits or wabbits?” he asked totally confused. “Y’know, I think there’s something screwy
goin’ on around here.”
Dannydoll choked back his
laughter. Jackdoll was doing that Elmer
Fudd thing again and Dannydoll loved him for it.
-o-
That night, Jackdoll was
feeling very predatory. Dannydoll was
on his feet and laughing hysterically as Jackdoll stalked him around the bed.
Jackdoll held his tiny vinyl
finger to his lips. “Be vewwy, vewwy
quiet. I’m hunting wabbits!”
If Jackdoll could be Elmer
Fudd, then Dannydoll could be Daffy Duck.
As Jackdoll made a grab for him, he fell on the bed still laughing. “Oh dame fortune, slug me. I’m rich!”
Embracing each other they kissed their little dolly
kisses and sighed. It didn’t matter
whether they had rabbits or wabbits, either way they knew they had a story
worth telling, and for Jackdoll, rabbit stew was off the menu.
The End