FELGER’S FAKERY

 

Felgerdoll struggled to pry himself from the wall of Jay Felger’s toy box, but to no avail.  Jackdoll and Teal’cdoll had covered his chest in UHU reusable adhesive putty and jammed him against the wall.  Now he was stuck fast.

 

Twisting his head painfully, he could just make out Sammiedoll and Teal’cdoll in one corner of the box.  Felgerdoll assumed that the Jaffa action figure was remodelling Sammiedoll’s butt with the adhesive putty, so her torpedo boobs wouldn’t keep causing her to fall on her face.  He wasn’t sure what kind of butt enhancement Teal’cdoll was making, but whatever it was, Sammiedoll was on her back with her legs in the air, and she was moaning.

 

Slowly Felgerdoll turned his head the other way, to see what Jackdoll and Dannydoll were doing.  Taking a sharp intake of breath, Felgerdoll saw Jackdoll withdraw a sewing needle from the back of Dannydoll’s smooth area, and then push his putty penis into the hole he’d just made.  Dannydoll panted with excitement as Jackdoll rocked his vinyl hips back and forth, and Felgerdoll wondered how Jackdoll could keep his blutack dick from being pressed into a pancake-flat smudge against the other doll’s body.  By now, Felgerdoll figured he probably should have a hard-on from watching the other two, but he was dickless, so all he could do was sob.

 

Everything went quiet for a while, and Felgerdoll began to feel a little worried.  He was still alone and communing with the toy box wall.

 

Soon, though, Jackdoll was on the move, rummaging through the bits and pieces at the bottom of the box, and with a triumphant yell, pulled out a pair of sunglasses, which he jammed on his face.  “Whaddya think, Dannydoll?” he said with a grin.

 

Blinking, Dannydoll looked a little confused as he stared at his loverdoll’s face.  Jackdoll was wearing a pair of heavy, black, triangular-shaped rims with lime green lenses.  “You…” began Dannydoll unsure of how he should say it.  “You look like one of the Biker Mice from Mars, Jackdoll.”

 

“Cool,” Jackdoll replied grinning even more.  “Should I be Throttle, Modo, or Vinnie?

 

“Oh, Jackdoll,” breathed Dannydoll, “You look so sexy, I just want to eat you!”

 

“Oh yeah?  You sure you can digest adhesive putty?”

 

Shuddering, Dannydoll thought better of it, and with a frown, pursed his lips.  “Maybe not,” he said sadly.

 

By now, Sammiedoll and Teal’cdoll had surfaced as well.

 

“Look what I’ve got!” Sammiedoll laughed.  “I’ve got a counter-weighted butt,” she smiled, giving the other dolls a twirl.

 

“It’s pretty big,” Jackdoll commented.  “This won’t interfere with your duties, will it, Sammiedoll?”

 

“Of course not, sir,” she replied, a little put out.  “Teal’cdoll says my butt will make a very good place to leave his staff weapon.”

 

“And if you get on your hands and knees, Sammiedoll, I’ll be able to park my bicycle in it,” Jackdoll chuckled.

 

Sammiedoll flushed with annoyance.  If anyone were going to park anything in her putty butt, it would be the Jaffadoll and his weapon.

 

“Okay, kids,” Jackdoll said decisively, “we should try and make a break for it.”

 

“Where to, Jackdoll?” Dannydoll asked as he ran his hand around his smooth area and removed the remnants of Jackdoll’s’ putty dick from his newly made asshole.

 

“Anywhere away from this damned toy box!” huffed Jackdoll quickly.  “I thought when Felger drooled all over us earlier, I might have spotted a stargate.”

 

“Stargate?  Where, sir?” Sammiedoll asked enthusiastically, turning her head this way and that in an effort to see where the aforementioned gate might be.

 

“I believe it is in that direction, O’Neilldoll,” Teal’cdoll said, pointing way up above the toy box to a cliff wall, which looked rather like the smooth and sculpted sides of a volcano.

 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Jackdoll confirmed.  He adjusted his Biker Mice from Mars shades and shuffled the odds and ends on the floor of the box to find a backpack.  “Take this,” he said to Dannydoll, handing him the empty pack.  “I’ll look after this one,” he smiled and tried to waggle his painted eyebrows as he closed the cover over the stash of putty.  “We might need this for later,” he grinned, nudging Dannydoll.

 

As Jackdoll piled up some of the bits and pieces in the box to make it possible to climb to the top, Dannydoll pulled on his BDUs.  “We have to take Felgerdoll, too, Jackdoll.  We can’t leave him behind.”

 

Hesitating, Jackdoll glanced down at the pinned and struggling Felgerdoll. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.  Teal’cdoll?  Peel him off the box and help him up, willya?  And hey!  Save that putty!”

 

With a grunt, Felgerdoll found himself free at last and with a sigh of relief, he couldn’t hide his stupidly inane grin.

 

When all five dolls had climbed out of the toy box and landed on the floor, they craned their little vinyl necks upwards, staring at Jay Felger’s occasional table, draped with a pale pink cloth.  They couldn’t see what was above the table except they knew there was a volcano the size of Brazil. 

 

Huddling together in conference, they tried to decide on the best course of action to get them to the top.  “We could climb the cloth, O’Neilldoll,” Teal’cdoll commented.

 

“I’m afraid my newly fashioned and weighty putty butt will hold me back,” Sammiedoll whined.

 

“It is detachable, Sammiedoll,” Teal’cdoll smiled kindly.  “I will gladly carry your butt to the top.”

 

“That’s another way of saying he’ll haul your sorry ass,” Jackdoll muttered.

 

Shocked at his words, Sammiedoll turned and flounced away, standing behind the Jaffadoll action figure in disgust.

 

Felgerdoll tried to comfort her, but she shrugged him off, worried how her butt would fare through their ascent.

 

Jackdoll reached up and grabbed at the hem of the tablecloth, yanking on it to test its stability.  “We’ll just have to climb by hanging on,” he said.  “Just make sure you have enough cloth in your ‘C’ hand, otherwise you’ll fall.

 

Slowly the five grappled their way up the expanse of pale pink cotton, and as they got to the top, Jackdoll signalled everyone to stop except himself and Teal’cdoll.  The two pulled themselves up a little higher and peered over the edge of the tabletop.  They saw a tableau made by Jay Felger, consisting of a high volcano wall, and on top, a fighting force of Jaffadolls, heavily disguised as Marinedolls, Jackdoll thought, but until they could scale the volcano, he couldn’t be sure.

 

The sides of the volcano were very smooth, made of pristine white dental cement.  Pursing his lips, Jackdoll could only think of two ways to climb up it.  Either he could use his supply of putty for hand and footholds and risk running short of dick-making materials, or commandeer Sammiedoll’s newly constructed putty butt. 

 

Taking a breath, he made a decision.  “Okay, Sammiedoll, gimme your ass,” and all the Mary Sues in the audience sighed with hope and lust.

 

“Sorry, Sammiedoll,” Jackdoll said brusquely, “you’re gonna have to sacrifice your butt for us.”

 

“Isn’t that my job?” Dannydoll put in quietly.

 

“Not this time,” Jackdoll hissed.  “Your butt only has one mission in life, and that’s to do with my putty dick!”

 

Flushing two little red blotches on his vinyl cheeks, Dannydoll’s eyelids fluttered, and Jackdoll wanted to plunge his hand into his backpack and make a quickie dickie.

 

As fast as they could, they broke off small amounts of Sammiedoll’s butt to make the holds they would need to climb the side of the volcano.  They carefully leaned Sammiedoll against the foot of the wall while they moulded the putty into little balls, Jackdoll and Dannydoll trying very hard not to laugh out loud.

 

“I won’t be able to climb,” Sammiedoll howled.  “My arms aren’t long enough to compensate for the gargantuan size of my torpedo boobs, and even if they were, I would scrape my non-existent nipples off against the volcano wall.  What am I gonna do?” she wailed.

 

The other four looked at each other.  Sammiedoll’s anatomy was just way too big and perky to make the climb possible for her.

 

“I will drag you up backwards by your hair, Sammiedoll,” Teal’cdoll announced.  She rolled her eyes and sighed, hoping his rippling plastic muscles would be able to hold her, preferably around her unnaturally tiny waist.

 

When everyone was ready, they started their ascent.  At the top, they stood ready to do battle with the Jaffadolls who looked like Marinedolls.  Raising their weapons, they fired and then had to duck flying pieces of brittle vinyl.  At last they were victorious, having eliminated Felger’s tableau of enemies.  As the dust settled, they looked around and found themselves in a wooded clearing made from twisted wire tree trunks topped with ragged pieces of sponge dipped in green and yellow paint.  They leaned against the polystyrene rocks and got their collective action figure breath back.

 

“Good job, everyone,” Jackdoll smiled with satisfaction.

 

“What’s Felger gonna say about this?” Felgerdoll demanded angrily.  “He spent hours and hours making all this stuff, and you just went and shot it all up!”

 

“Hey, we saved your ass, an’ if you keep on complainin’ like that, I’ll make you a new one!” Jackdoll retorted.

 

“I don’t have one to start with, so there!” Felgerdoll hit back.

 

“Okay,” Jackdoll said quietly, “So I won’t make you one at all, how’s that suit ya, huh?”

 

Whimpering, Felgerdoll turned away, picking at a crepe paper leaf.  Jackdoll felt mean, so he handed him the needle and some adhesive putty.  “Here,” he said reluctantly, and staggered backwards at Felgerdoll’s effusive thanks.

 

“Okay, it’s time we got this baby up and running,” announced Jackdoll, staring at the perfect miniature stargate.  He wondered if there might be a market in making and selling them.

 

“Um…Jackdoll?  I can’t see a DHD anywhere,” Dannydoll said as he looked around desperately for the key to their escape.

 

“What?” Jackdoll cried, whirling around to stare at his loverdoll.  “Can you rig anything, Sammiedoll?”

 

“No, sir.  We don’t have the equipment, there’s no lightning, no chemicals, and no vinyl naquada generator.  Worse still, I think this stargate is a fake.”

 

“Crap,” Jackdoll muttered.  “That damn Felger couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery!”

 

Just then a flash of English pink arrived.  It was a beautiful Rolls Royce, driven by a doll with long blonde hair and red cupid lips.  “Hello, dahlinks,” she purred.  “Do you need a ride?”

 

“It’s Lady Penelope!” Dannydoll laughed and hugged Jackdoll.  Now they’d be able to play putty dicks in luxury…

 

-o-

 

The End