FELGER’S FINGER FOOD AND DOILY CAPER

 

As Jackdoll and Dannydoll got out of Lady Penelope's pink Rolls Royce, they were met by a tall slim stranger with silicone boobs and botox lips - though the body was female and curvaceous, the voice was deep, like a man's.

 

"Hi, you two look absolutely fabulous!  I'm Panting Frantically, and this is my beautiful pooch, Mancake.  I am Lady Penelope’s assistant.”

 

“Hello, dahlink,” Lady Penelope said cheerily, waving her dainty vinyl hand at her servant.  “Do you think we could have some tea?” she smiled, glancing at her disembarking guests for confirmation that they would want something to eat and drink.

 

Frowning, Jackdoll realised that the pink plastic car had taken him and the rest of SG-1 plus Felgerdoll around Jay Felger’s living room to a very grand English country dollhouse in the corner.  This place wasn’t his idea of getting away to freedom but it would do for light refreshments.  Staring with suspicion at the fe/man doll, Jackdoll grabbed Dannydoll’s hand possessively and led him around Panting Frantically while giving a wide berth to the drooling dogdoll sitting beside him or her.

 

Sammiedoll followed and stared at Lady Penelope’s vinyl assistant, wondering how the fe/male doll could manage to stand upright with such huge missile boobs, similar to her own.  Craning her little plastic neck, she took a look at his/her butt to try and see if it was counter-weighted in some way.  Come to think of it, she also wondered if Lady Penelope had an upper class weighted butt or whether it was just her Englishness that kept her from falling on her beautifully made up face.  Either way, Sammiedoll was determined to find out her secret, much as she liked Teal’cdoll spending time with her putty butt, she didn’t want to expand the lower half of her dolly body just to remain upright.

 

Teal’cdoll bowed his vinyl head at the Lady Penelope and strolled along next to Sammiedoll, his arms behind his back, his ‘C’ hand carefully holding his staff weapon so that he didn’t trip over it.  Felgerdoll grinned and nodded at the blonde haired, blue eyed, pouty-lipped Englishdoll, wishing the rest of SG-1 were as refined, with the exception of Sammiedoll of course, she was already beautiful and attractive, and her generously proportioned boobs were beautiful and attractive too.

 

Jackdoll was still eying Panting Frantically as the assistantdoll walked them through the huge lobby of the dollhouse to a wonderfully appointed room, in which the tiny china tea set was already set out on a pristine white paper doily spread on top of a dark wood table.  Dannydoll glanced around enthusiastically, noting the portraits of different English lord and ladydolls.  Strangely they all looked the same except for their clothes and hairstyles, but he figured as he was studying the English aristocracydolls, there was bound to be a shared likeness, because Dannydoll knew that English aristodolls always interbred with each other, being from the same mould, so to speak.  Adjusting his weenie metal glasses, Dannydoll strode slowly around the room looking at all the antiques displayed on shiny polished occasional tables and in proper glass cabinets.

 

While his loverdoll’s concentration was on Lady Penelope’s Spode, Jackdoll thought that she must be worth lots of lolly, probably thanks to Jay Felger’s obsession with small people with smooth areas and pointy boobs.

 

“You are very welcome to a tour of my dollhouse.”  Lady Penelope smiled appreciatively at Dannydoll.  She liked the way the tall good-looking action figure fingered her Wedgwood with so much studious interest.  She was sure he would enjoy looking over her manse.  “Panting Frantically will give you a guided tour,” the Englishdoll said beckoning to her assistant doll.

 

“Got any bedrooms?” Jackdoll grunted.

 

“Why yes, and bathrooms,” the ladydoll said fluttering her tiny caterpillar-like eyelashes at him.

 

“Got any UHU reusable adhesive putty?”

 

“Well no, but I do have ivory, ebony and raspberry jam,” the noble ladydoll commented puzzled by the question and wondering what this brash Americandoll could possibly want with putty.

 

When Panting Frantically had led the two SG-dolls away from the sitting room, his dog, Mancake, slobbering noisily behind them, Sammiedoll sat down beside her hostess and looked intently at her.

 

“Can I ask you something personal?” the brilliant scientist asked quietly, her ‘C’ hand gripping a dainty crustless cucumber sandwich.

 

“Of course, dahlink, what is it?”

 

Glancing nervously at her team mate, Teal’cdoll, and the annoying Felgerdoll, she leaned in and whispered, “I was wondering about your huge rocket sized boobs and how you manage to stand upright without falling on your face.”

 

Giggling with upper-class politeness, Lady Penelope matched Sammiedoll’s action and leaned towards her companion in a conspiratorial way.  “They’re hollow, dahlink!”

 

“Hollow?” Sammiedoll echoed in amazement.

 

“Of course!  Look, my dear, you should know this.  The Brits are all class and no substance, and the Americans are all substance and no class!”

 

Nodding Sammiedoll tried to process what Penelope had told her, and she wasn’t sure if it was an insult or not.

 

“There’s never a chance of drowning in my Victorian, cast-iron, claw-footed bath, Sammiedoll, because I always float!”

 

“So, how do I make my boobs hollow?” the female SG-doll asked, her curiosity fuelled by the possibility of staying upright without the aid of her huge putty butt.

 

“You could try sticking in a pin and squeezing,” the Englishdoll conjectured, “but I think that would be too revolting to consider.”

 

Shuddering, Sammiedoll had to agree.

 

“I think the answer will be plastic surgery, dahlink.  Do you know anyone who could do that?”

 

Sammiedoll thought for a while.  “I know a scientist called Rodney McKay.  He invented a shrinking machine but it didn’t work on his massive ego.  I could ask Felgerdoll to ask Rodneydoll if I can use it.”

 

Clapping her little pink hands together, Lady Penelope demonstrated her satisfaction with Sammiedoll’s plan.

 

Meanwhile in the upper storey of the dollhouse, Panting Frantically minced from room to room proudly showing off Lady Penelope’s items of Chippendale.  Smiling, Dannydoll enjoyed the performance of the dancing, stripping muscular male dolls as they can-canned out of the room.  Jackdoll frowned, he didn’t know much about English antiques, except for Winston Churchill.  Dannydoll was feeling very amorous at the sight of the Chippendolls, even though he’d expected to see Chippendale chairs, and now he wanted to play with Jackdoll’s putty dick.  Nudging his dollylover’s contoured arm, the archaeologistdoll whispered in his team leader’s tiny shell-like moulded ear.  “Want to play dick and dive?” he rasped and Jackdoll stiffened immediately.

 

“What about Pending Friskily over there?”

 

“He’s Panting Frantically,” Dannydoll hissed.

 

“Yeah well, I can see that,” groused Jackdoll, “but I want to play slick and live with just the two of us, y’know, alone and in private, with no one watching.”

 

“Well, ask him to leave,” Dannydoll insisted, already kneading his putty supply.

 

Rolling his eyes, Jackdoll stepped forward.  “Look, buddy,” he said clearing his throat.  “Me and Dannydoll, we wanna do a pit of putty sculpting…in private.  Can you find something else to do for a while?”

 

“Of course, sir,” Panting Frantically said, giving the two SG-dolls a curt nod and clicking his little plastic heels.  “Come, Mancake,” the servantdoll commanded imperiously.  “We are not wanted,” and with that, he flounced away, his botox lips pouting with disappointment and class-based resentment.  He wanted to watch the visitors get it on; there was so little entertainment at this end of Felger’s living room.  His life was all pink Rolls Royces and fiddly shortbread.  He was sick of being a subservient servant, fed up with prissy demitasse cups and dusting miles of Grinling Gibbons.  While his dainty English mistress was taking tea with the over-boobed Americandoll, Felgerdoll and Teal’cdoll were sitting patiently at their sides, and Jack and Dannydoll were fondling their putty, he, Panting Frantically, would peel off his vinyl mask and reveal his true identity, that of Apophisdoll.  He would stand tall, if not erect, in all his plastic finery.  If anyone knew that he suffered from a large dose of putty envy, he would be a laughing stock, but no more!

 

Racing to the front door of the dollhouse, Apophisdoll stuck his ‘C’ hand to his lips and whistled.  His Jaffadoll army would come and take over the world, well at least take over Felger’s living room.  He was determined to bite the ankles of the big ones, and kick their soft, arrogant giant calf muscles.

 

Jack and Dannydoll were having a great time humping each other with large, stiff putty dicks, their ecstatic voices wafting through the thin walls of the dollhouse.  Their plastic bodies lay one over the other, their stiff vinyl arms and legs making for some very interesting dolly action love positions.  They ploughed each other’s little plastic holes, squashing their putty and reworking it again and again.  When at last they were all puttied out, they collapsed on the bed in each other’s plastic enhanced arms.  Little did they know that Lady Penelope’s mansion was being surrounded by Jaffadolls intent on taking everyone prisoner so that Apophisdoll could be in charge.

 

Teal’cdoll was on alert, he’d heard some strange sounds outside in Felger’s living room, but wasn’t sure what was causing them.  He looked at Felgerdoll, who, bored out of his tiny vinyl brain cell, had fallen asleep where he sat.  Sammiedoll and Lady Penelope had their heads together talking boob reduction, and as far as the bigdoll could surmise, Jack and Dannydoll were investigating the upper floor of the dollhouse.  Getting to his plastic feet very quietly, and with his staff weapon gripped tightly in his ‘C’ hand, Teal’cdoll went to the window to see what was going on.  When he saw a phalanx of Jaffadolls massing at the front of the house, he yelled out for Jack and Dannydoll.

 

Sammiedoll was at his side immediately, and rearranging her putty butt to make sure she was perfectly upright and balanced.  Felgerdoll fell off his chair with a start and panicked.  Lady Penelope sighed in an English accent, and wondered where Panting Frantically had gone.  If her assistant was off organising yet another revolt she would be forced to kick his tight little plastic ass, in a ladylike, dainty dolly way of course.

 

Jackdoll appeared at Teal’cdoll’s side.  “What’s goin’ on, T?”

 

“There is a hostile force gathering, O’Neilldoll.  We are under siege.”

 

“Crap!” Jackdoll cursed trying to remember where he’d put his teeny weenie P90.

 

“It’s a shame there aren’t any Ancients’ weapons anywhere,” Dannydoll breathed.

 

“Wait a minute,” Jackdoll said thoughtfully.  “I saw a really weird looking chair in that room we were in.”

 

“You mean the one with all the lumps of putty splattered all over the place?”

 

“Um, yeah that one,” Jackdoll muttered.  “C’mon, Dannydoll, you’re with me!”

 

Quickly the two SG-dolls mounted the stairs and headed for their dolly love nest.  In one corner was a very strange chair, like nothing else in the dollhouse.  Plonking himself onto the large seat, Jackdoll planted his arms along the big wooden rests.  Then spreading his hands, he manipulated soft squidgy spheres that Dannydoll thought looked like boob implants and wanted to smack his vinyl lover for seemingly enjoying the texture way too much.

 

The chair began to glow and vibrate and strings of boiling hot spaghetti flew out and landed on the Jaffadoll army, melting all the plastic warriors.  Dannydoll was worried for Jackdoll’s health; the older dolly didn’t look so good. 

 

“Are you going to faint, Jackdoll?”

 

“I dunno, but my legs have gone all soft and wobbly.”

 

Dannydoll was extremely concerned for his loverdoll’s safety, and helping him up, kissed him thoroughly.  Suddenly Jackdoll felt the power of love flow through him, and he felt strong again.  “I was worried I might have ended up in the fridge for a while, what with soft legs and an excess of spaghetti strings hanging around my shoulders.”

 

As Dannydoll frowned at Jackdoll’s predicament he heard Lady Penelope’s screams so he rushed downstairs to see what the noise was all about.  When he got to her beautifully appointed sitting room he saw the Englishdoll teetering on top of a chair, holding up her skirts and crying.

 

“What is it?” Dannydoll asked breathlessly.

 

“A mouse!  It’s a huge mouse!”

 

Without a second thought, Dannydoll wrenched the pristine white paper doily from the table like a conjurer and holding it in front of him, waved it like a bullfighter’s cloak to encourage the animal to run towards him.

 

“You’re so brave, Dannydoll,” Penelope cooed, “and so strong.  Just like a ninjadoll!”

 

Dannydoll stood his ground and waited patiently for the giant mouse to run towards him and when it did, he threw the doily over its head and knocked it out with a single punch.

 

“My hero!” the vinyl ladydoll sang, clasping her little plastic hands to her hollow boobs.

 

A few moments later, Jackdoll joined the others and looking out of the windows, surveyed the carnage of melted Jaffadolls littering the corner of Felger’s living room.

 

“How am I going to explain all this?” Felgerdoll whined.  “Jay will be very upset.”

 

“Better him than us,” Jackdoll grunted.  “Are you okay, Sammiedoll?”

 

“Yes, thank you, dollysir, I’m going to get a boob reduction!”

 

Blinking, Jackdoll raised his pen line eyebrows at his second in command.  “Really?”

 

“Before you do that, dahlink,” Lady Penelope interrupted, “You should get your hair reduced.”

 

“What?” Sammiedoll queried, glancing in the mirror beside her.

 

“You hair is the size of Brazil,” the Englishdoll continued.  “Perhaps your friend McKay can reduce it at the same time as your boobs.”

 

Pouting, Sammiedoll licked her little plastic hands and tried to smooth down her extra bouncy, fluffy locks.

 

“Can I offer you something to eat?” Lady Penelope offered wanting to make sure the SG-dolls were full and satisfied before they left.

 

“That would be good,” Dannydoll smiled.  “Do you have any milk?  I’ve brought some supplies of my own.  I’ve got Crispy Hexagons!”

 

“Have you seen a doctor about that, Dannydoll?” Penelope asked, taking a precautionary step backwards.

 

Jackdoll pulled a grimace and Dannydoll asked him why.

 

“I was just thinking about how the hell I’m gonna write the mission report for all of this.”

 

“Don’t worry, Jackdoll,” Dannydoll said kindly.  “You could just write a shortened version.”

 

“What, you mean like a mini series?

 

-o-

 

The End