FELGER’S FIGURES
“Well, well, well,” Jackdoll
said, quickly yanking up his pants.
“Look who’s here!”
“Wha…what?” Dannydoll gasped
taking his limp UHU adhesive putty dick and stuffing it in his pocket.
Dishevelled, Teal’cdoll and
Sammiedoll peered out above the edge of their box, the coloneldoll’s second in
command looking like an explosion in a nylon hair factory.
“Whaddya want, Felger?”
Jackdoll demanded to know, glaring at the scientist looking down over
SG-1doll’s camp.
His huge human body cast a dark
shadow over the small collection of boxes, tissue paper trees and the dog bowl
full of water. It was like the sun had
gone in.
“Good news, everybody,”
Felger grinned.
“We’re getting outta here?”
Jackdoll asked hopefully.
“Well, no, not exactly.”
Looking down at his tiny
boots, Jackdoll pursed his plastic lips.
Taking a breath he looked up again.
“So what is it exactly?” the coloneldoll ground out.
“I have a surprise for you,”
Felger announced still grinning like a half-crazed hyena.
“Look, before you go on to
bore us all to death,” Jackdoll grunted, “Get down here on your knees.” Dannydoll swallowed. The sound of Jackdoll ordering *anyone* to
get down on his knees had his pocketful of UHU adhesive putty hardening. “You being up there just gives me a pain in
the neck!”
Nodding furiously, Felger
did as he was told, the pain in his knees reminding him he should have used a
cushion. Leaning on the edge of the
dolls’ encampment tableau, the scientist continued to smile like he’d already
delivered his news.
Jackdoll waited impatiently,
and when it was obvious Felger wasn’t going to say anything anytime soon,
sighed theatrically and looked over his shoulder to the rest of his team. “Somebody shoot him! And get your elbows out of our camp, Felger!”
Felger shot backwards like
he’d been burned. “Sorry, sorry,” he
muttered and tentatively touched one of the boxes with an uncertain finger.
“Hey! That’s my boxroom you’re pokin’!”
Biting his lower lip, Felger
tried to apologise again, but Jackdoll was having none of it.
“Just what is it,
Felger? We’ve got things to do, places
to be,” Jackdoll groused.
Dannydoll spun around. Places to be? What places? Apart from
Felger’s living room there was nowhere else to be, but he understood his loverdoll’s
attitude. Being stuck where they were
was very frustrating. If it weren’t for
their frequent, hot, monkeydoll sex, Dannydoll was sure he and Jackdoll would
go nuts.
“I’ve brought someone to
meet you,” Felger said excitedly, and reached into his breast pocket to pull
out another doll. Holding it he waved
it in front of the assembled SG-1doll team.
“It’s Felgerdoll,” Dannydoll
observed.
“Hi, guys,” Felgerdoll
called down.
“Oh, it’s me!” Felger said
cheerily.
“Well, just put yourself
away so we can all go back to doing what we were doing before you so rudely
interrupted,” spat Jackdoll.
Dannydoll groaned under his
breath. The putty hardened some more as
he thought about what he and Jackdoll had been doing when Felger showed up.
“Indeed,” Teal’cdoll growled. “Your unannounced visitations are most
disconcerting, and therefore, unwelcome, Felger.”
The other dolls nodded
resentfully, and four pairs of googly eyes turned in the direction of the very
irritating scientist.
Sucking in a breath, Felger
reached in his other pocket and placed before the dolls, a short blue-garmented
figure. Teal’cdoll gasped. It looked like his hero Yoda.
Getting up, Felger twiddled
his fingers in a wave goodbye, and left.
-o-
The SG-1dolls crowded around
the short, blue doll and waited.
Eventually the doll stretched out its limbs and shook itself. When it was fully straightened, it was as
tall as Jackdoll.
Teal’cdoll whimpered in
disappointment. It wasn’t Yoda after
all.
“My name is Fifth,” the
strangerdoll announced.
“Filth? What sort of name is *Filth*?” Jackdoll
hissed at Dannydoll out of the corner of his tiny plastic mouth.
“I think he said *Fifth*,
Jackdoll,” Dannydoll replied rolling his little googly eyes made large by the
magnifying effect of his dollglasses.
“Ah. Okaaaay, well howdy, Fifthdoll,” Jackdoll
smiled, “And what can we do for you?”
Fifthdoll held a piece of
paper at arm’s length for the SG-1dolls to inspect.
“It’s a contract,” the
newbiedoll explained, “and I need you all to sign it.”
“Dannydoll? You’d better take a look,” the coloneldoll
ordered suspiciously. “And what’s the
contract for, Fifth?”
*Damn!*
Jackdoll hated fractions.
“It will give me permission
to replicate your likenesses,” Fifthdoll said imperiously.
“Our likenesses? In what way?” the coloneldoll asked,
narrowing his googly eyes and making them look like animated beads.
“Your likenesses will
satisfy the demand in Fandomland for perfectly formed and cleverly sculpted
replicated images of you. We will all
stand to make a lot of dollcash, if you agree that is.”
“And how will you do this?”
Sammiedoll asked, her calculator brain chip trying to work out the kind of
technology needed to make the new dolls.
“I will take measurements,”
Fifthdoll explained.
“Measurements? Are these replicated us…uses gonna be
anatomically correct?” Jackdoll asked getting to the important issue
immediately.
“Probably not. We cannot allow the Fandomland population to
take liberties with the dolls.”
“And how tall will we be?”
“Seven inches.”
Dannydoll groaned again.
“Huh,” Jackdoll
muttered. What was the point of
producing their likenesses, if their *likenesses* weren’t produced?
“I guess my huge boobs will
be replicated though,” Sammiedoll said.
“Yes,” Fifthdoll
nodded. “Your likeness will have its
own specially built stand, to counter balance them, you understand,” he
smiled. “But yours will come with a
ranch and several plastic horses.”
Sammiedoll frowned while
Teal’cdoll grinned. He was thinking of
suggesting the ranch could also contain a dead detectivedoll and a box to put
him in.
“So, what’s in it for us?”
Jackdoll questioned.
“Your replicated versions
will have multiple points of articulation.”
Dannydoll’s eyes
widened.
“Multi pointy…what did he
say?”
“Multiple points of
articulation, Jackdoll,” Dannydoll breathed and felt the putty swell and go
completely hard in his pocket.
Sammiedoll tried to tidy her
unruly nylon hair, but the static charge from her plastic hands just made it
stand on end.
Teal’cdoll stuck out his
chin and wondered if he’d drawn his tattoo straight this morning. Since his sojourn in the box with Sammiedoll
he suspected it was probably smudged.
Dannydoll thought he should
clean his dollglasses and Jackdoll just straightened his shoulders and cleared
his throat.
“Um…how will you replicate
the dolls?” Sammiedoll enquired.
“Through the EM spike of a
naquada generator, combined with the controlled infusion of pre-calculated
particle fragments, while the viable vortex of reintegrated thermodynamically
excited subatomic crystals formulate a systematic return valve metabolism,
concluding in a nice thick, banana milkshake.”
“Sammiedoll?” Jackdoll
muttered.
“Makes sense to me, sir.”
“Good! Right!
So do the replicated dolls get to wear cool uniforms?”
“Of course. There will be a range of Jackdolls each
wearing olive BDUs, camouflage or Black Ops uniforms.”
“With shades?”
“Yes.”
“But they won’t be
anatomically correct, right?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“So no big, hard, rampant,
throbbing, thrusting, penetrating…”
“Jackdoll!” Dannydoll
choked, the putty in his pocket growing to the size of Brazil.
“You will, of course, have
the right to authorise your likenesses,” Fifthdoll added. “This will help in the marketing, as online
websites can quote the fact, which will make up for your replicated likenesses
not being entirely facsimile versions.
As you know, only cloned
subjects look exactly the same. It is
important that the disappointment of prospective Fandomland buyers will be
countered by your endorsement. That way
they will be satisfied by the reassurance that you approved them, even though
the dolls will not project your likenesses accurately.”
“Will they have hair?”
Sammiedoll asked.
“The hair will be moulded.”
“So no silver strands?”
Jackdoll remarked.
“No, sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter,
Jackdoll. Like Fifth said, Fandomland
people will buy anything as long as it’s got our names on it and looks vaguely
like us,” Dannydoll smiled supportively.
“Do we get a complimentary
set for ourselves?” the coloneldoll enquired.
“Of course.”
Grinning, Jackdoll looked at
his loverdoll and twitched his eyebrows suggestively. “We could play with them, y’know, move their multiple points of
articulation. Whaddya think?”
“Yeah…the multi pointy
things,” Dannydoll sighed as the Amazon erupted in his pocket.