FELGER’S FATUOUS FAVOURITISM

by

Gateroller

 

Jackdoll eyed Felgerdoll suspiciously.  “What’s that ya got in yer hand, Seldomdoll?” he snarled.

 

“Who me?” Felgerdoll squeaked, more from an unrequited crush than fear, although one look at Jackdoll’s narrowed googly eyes made him quake where he stood.

 

Jackdoll scanned the contents and a grin gradually spread over his handsome dolly face.  “Well, well, well,” he chortled passing the note to Dannydoll who was just scraping off the residue of UHU adhesive putty from his smooth vinyl groin.  It made Felgerdoll groan with longing.  Longing wasn’t very impressed so just rolled his eyes and stumped off to Felgerdoll’s doghouse.

 

“Whaddya think, Dannydoll?” Jackdoll said grinning as Dannydoll read Felgerdoll’s piece of paper.

 

“Hmmm, I don’t know,” said Dannydoll warily.  “I don’t believe in competitiveness.”

 

“What!” Jackdoll declared.  “You wanna see those Goa’uld dolls bite the dust, don’tcha?”

 

“That’s different.”

 

“Different from what?”

 

“From pitting good dolls against good dolls.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Look,” Dannydoll went on, “Jay Felger has arranged for some kind of competition between us, SG1-dolls and Torchwood-dolls.  We’re supposed to be on the same side, Jackdoll.  I don’t like the idea of being pitched against them.  I mean it’s an international special dolly ops competition, Jackdoll!”

 

“It’s just a vinyl set to.  We’ll treat it like a game, nuthin’ more, Dannydoll,” Jackdoll smiled.  “You don’t have to worry about it.”

 

“Don’t dolly patronise me, Jackdoll,” Dannydoll glowered.  “It’s not the competition per se, it’s just the principle of putting one team of dolly goodies against another.”

 

“Don’tcha just love the close order rivalry between two of the best teams ever?”

 

“No,” Dannydoll grunted.  He had the feeling Jay Felger was going to be the real winner in all of this.

 

-o-

 

Cap’n Jackdoll loosened the vinyl knots in his dolly shoulders and blinked his googly Torchwood eyes.  He narrowed them to make a cool intense look.  He liked that look and continued to practice it.

 

“Do you think we have a chance?” Iantodoll asked shuffling his paperwork.

 

“Scared?” Cap’n Jackdoll asked appraising his Angeldoll style plastic coat in the mirror.

 

“No,” Iantodoll said defensively.  “I can hold my own when challenged.”

 

“You can hold my own if you like,” Cap’n Jackdoll grinned.

 

Iantodoll rolled his googly eyes as he cleaned his Sentry firesafe two-drawer filing cabinet.

 

Beautiful, oriental and only a bit aware of it Toshdoll clicked a few keyboard keys and stared at her computer screen.  “There has to be something here we can use,” she muttered Googling for muscle power output properties using the stretch-shortening cycle of the upper limb and their relationships with a one-repetition maximum bench press.

 

Cap’n Jackdoll glanced over beautiful, oriental and only a bit aware of it Toshdoll’s shoulder.  “I can do that,” he said smugly.

 

Iantodoll groaned quietly.  The thought of Cap’n Jackdoll’s muscle power made him think of his favourite dirty talk, the kind of dirty talk that had his UHU adhesive putty as hard as a concrete slab.  His little googly eyes rolled back in his vinyl head as he thought about it.

 

This taxonomy is intended to provide accounting terms and element relationships related to the auditor’s/independent Accountant’s Report that typically accompanies external financial reports of public companies.

 

That level of extreme dirty talk just melted his brain and he’d give anything to be able to whisper those kinds of words into Cap’n Jackdoll’s teeny weenie shell-like ear.  He wished Cap’n Jackdoll understood his need for an event study methodology to be employed to examine the size and predictability of UHU adhesive putty movements subsequent to the occurrence of a limit order imbalance.

 

Cap’n Jackdoll frowned.  Iantodoll was looking very concentrated, like OJ in January....

 

-o-

 

“It’s time for a team dolly talk,” Jackdoll smiled.  Sammiedoll, Teal’cdoll and Dannydoll looked at each other then sighed and rolled their googly eyes.  Their collective eye rolling sounded like a shook up bucket of dried newts’ eyes.

 

“Jay Felger’s competition is a round of one-on-one tests so we need to make sure we can line up against them and take ‘em,” he said with the kind of passionate fervour only Dannydoll recognised.  The UHU adhesive putty in his pocket twitched.

 

“Dannydoll, you get Iantodoll.  Sammiedoll you’re matched against beautiful, oriental and only a bit aware of it Toshdoll and Teal’cdoll?  You’re with pouty Welsh Gwendoll.”

 

“What about you, Jackdoll?” Dannydoll asked although he already knew the answer.

 

“Cap’n Jackdoll of course,” Jackdoll beamed.  “I can take his Angeldoll coat any time, any place.”

 

Dannydoll bit his little vinyl lower lip.  He couldn’t help the pang of jealousy in his smoothly contoured breast.

 

-o-

 

The two teams of dolly competitors eyed each other in the farmhouse yard.

 

Teal’cdoll stood firm and strong, his staff weapon upright and manly in his U-shaped grip.  Pouty Welsh Gwendoll held onto her gun as if it was a very uncomfortable oversized hairbrush.  Bang! 

 

She flicked her long thick brown nylon coiffeur out of her face and stared, wide-eyed and slightly vacant, pouting with frighteningly accurate poutiness.  Thwack! 

 

Jackdoll glanced at Teal’cdoll.  Would he be able to protect himself against such powerful pouting?  Splat! 

 

Teal’cdoll whirled around, aiming his staff weapon at pouty Welsh Gwendoll’s pout.  At the click and fizz of his staff, pouty Welsh Gwendoll dropped her oversized hairbrush gun.  Counter Kree! 

 

Teal’cdoll had won Round 1.

 

Jackdoll smiled.  Dannydoll had already put into action their agreed mission tactics.  He was busy showing Iantodoll the entropy that was his lab.  The look of horror on Iantodoll’s face made Jackdoll pat his vinyl stomach with great satisfaction.  It was Round 2 to the SG1-dolls.

 

Sammiedoll and beautiful, oriental and only a bit aware of it Toshdoll squared up to each other, a computer each and a box of Lego to share.  They had to construct the biggest baddest gun possible.  Both dolls stared at their little pretend computer screens and tried to look like they knew what they were doing. 

 

Felgerdoll shifted nervously and held up a question sheet.  He cleared his dolly throat.  “Um, ladies…”  Sammiedoll and beautiful, oriental and only a bit aware of it Toshdoll glared at Felgerdoll and he looked at his questions again.  “What’s a quark?”

 

“A what?” asked Jackdoll.

 

“A quark,” Felgerdoll repeated.

 

Jackdoll smiled at his team mate with great confidence, and announced, “C’mon, Carterdoll, you can explain larks with your eyes shut!”  Jackdoll knew that beautiful, oriental and only a bit aware of it Toshdoll would have the answer too.  The difference between winning and losing was Sammiedoll’s ability to reel off the definition of a quark faster than her dolly Torchwood rival.

 

“Quarks are one of two fundamental particles in physics.  They join together to form hadrons, such as protons and neutrons.  The study of quarks and the interactions between them is called quantum chromodynamics.

 

The anti-particle of a quark is the antiquark.  Quarks and antiquarks are the only two fundamental particles that interact through all four fundamental forces of physics.  

Quarks exhibit confinement, which means that the quarks are not observed independently but always in combination with other quarks.  This makes determining the properties (mass, spin, and parity) impossible to measure directly; these traits must be inferred from the particles composed of them.

 

These measurements indicate a non-integer spin (either +1/2 or -1/2), so quarks are fermions and follow the Pauli Exclusion Principle.  There are six flavours of quarks: up, down, strange, charm, bottom, and top.

 

The flavour of the quark determines its properties.  Quarks with a charge of +(2/3)e are called up-type quarks and those with a charge of -(1/3)e are called down-type.  There are three generations of quarks, based on pairs of weak positive/negative weak isospin. The first generation are up & down quarks, the second generation are strange & charm quarks, the third generation are top & bottom quarks.

 

All quarks have a baryon number (B = 1/3) and a lepton number (L = 0).  The flavour determines certain other unique properties, described in individual descriptions.”

 

Jackdoll looked at Felgerdoll who had just clicked off his miniscule stopwatch.

 

“Well?”

 

“Sammiedoll has it by 0.005 of a second.”

 

Jackdoll punched the air and then nodded at Cap’n Jackdoll.  “It’s just you an’ me, buddy.”

 

-o-

 

“Why can’t we watch, Jackdoll?” Dannydoll demanded to know.  “We’ve all been there for each other’s dolly rounds and you were there for all of us.  Why can’t we be there for you?”

 

“Because it’s a special ops style test, Dannydoll and it’s better if you don’t know about it.  National security,” he whispered.

 

“Really?” Dannydoll asked frowning.

 

Jackdoll avoided googly eye contact with Dannydoll.  He knew Dannydoll would throw him the Jacksondoll ‘look’ and then he’d have to confess.

 

“Look, it’ll be fine, Dannydoll.  I promise you, I can win this.  Trust me.”

 

Dannydoll frowned again as he watched his loverdoll sidle into the farmhouse kitchen, accompanied by Cap’n Jackdoll and Felgerdoll.  Dannydoll noticed a tape measure hanging out of Felgerdoll’s pocket. 

 

“What kind of test would need a tape measure?” Dannydoll muttered thoughtfully.

 

-o-

 

While all the dolls waited impatiently for their leaderdolls to undertake the final challenge, Janetdoll and Owendoll swapped stories about particularly interesting and nasty alien dolly viruses.  They weren’t included in the competition.  Jay Felger thought it would be better if they were on call in case of injuries, though it was his own likely injuries he was most concerned about.  Once the SG1-dolls and Torchwood-dolls had completed the competition, he had a feeling they’d all be after him.   

 

None of dolls knew what the final test consisted of but each team was confident in the victory of its respective leader.  The pride of Dolldom was at stake.

 

At last Jackdoll, Cap’n Jackdoll and Felgerdoll emerged from the dolly kitchen.  Dannydoll studied Jackdoll’s expression but could garner nothing from it.  The Torchwood-dolls looked at Cap’n Jack for an answer but he wasn’t giving anything away either.

 

Felgerdoll held up his tape measure with obvious excitement.  “I declare the winner of the final test is Jackdoll!”

 

The SG1-dolls cheered and even Teal’cdoll smiled.  While the celebratory enthusiasm continued loudly, Cap’n Jackdoll leaned in to Jackdoll and whispered, “Are you gonna tell ‘em just how close it was?”

 

“Nah,” Jackdoll smirked.

 

“I know you cheated,” Cap’n Jackdoll went on.

 

“Cheated?  Me?” Jackdoll replied.  “I’m hurt!”

 

“You will be if we meet in another competition,” Cap’n Jackdoll muttered.

 

“Hey, c’mon, it was just a jolly dolly caper.  You didn’t really take it seriously didja?”

 

Cap’n Jackdoll shook his head and beamed a sexy dolly smile.  “No, I guess not but I have learned something though.”

 

“Yeah?  What would that be?”

 

“That surreptitiously leaving extra blobs of adhesive UHU putty all over the house in secret places, can enhance the measuring of the tape.”

 

“Yeah, it can bring a little extra satisfaction to any golly dolly jolly and before you go, Cap’n Jackdoll, don’t forget to do what I asked you, what you promised to do.”

 

Cap’n Jackdoll nodded sneakily.  “Okay.”  Then he had a thought.  Glancing at Iantodoll he called, “I’ve got something that’ll make ya smile!”

 

-o-

 

A little later, a horrible strangled cry emanated from Felgerdoll’s doghouse as Felgerdoll scrambled out with some kind of chisel-faced monster chasing after his dolly butt.

 

“What’s the upheaval?” Dannydoll asked.

 

Jackdoll smiled evilly.  “Not upheaval, Dannydoll – weevil!”

 

The End