FELGER’S FARSCAPE FRAT PARTY
Now that the fracas with the
demon paint fairies was over, the SG1doll farmhouse and its occupants settled
back to normality; except Jackdoll didn’t feel all that settled. His little dolly mind had been focusing on a
mission, any mission that would allow him to tote his P90 and be in
charge of something.
Circling the dimly lit and
deserted living room, Jackdoll made a decision, and going to the bureau drawer,
pulled out his weapon, radio and knife.
He missed handling them, missed using them to save the world, and he
missed those times when Dannydoll was tied up in a prison cell and he would
come and save him, or was that save him and come?
Anyway…whatever…Jackdoll
needed a mission.
Slumping into the perfectly
crafted and comfortably upholstered green leather armchair, Jackdoll sighed as
he fingered his miniscule radio.
Drifting off to sleep, he wished something interesting would happen…
-o-
“Hello? Can anybody hear me? This is Cameron Crichton, I mean John
Mitchell I mean…oh shit!”
“Give it to me, let me
do it!”
“Vala!”
“No, it’s Aeryn Sun…I
think.”
“See! We have to get help. Now!”
Waking, Jackdoll caught the
confused communication and clicked on his radio broadcaster. “Hey!
Who is this?”
“Thank God, this is errr,
well that doesn’t matter right now. We
need help. We’re suffering from Acute
Sci Fi Confused Personality Crossover Syndrome, and we’re not sure who we’re
supposed to be.”
“Standby,” Jackdoll said
authoritatively, “I’ll get my team together, where are you?”
“I dunno, some weird place
or other, with very big furniture!”
-o-
“As Fic Percover
Syndrome? That’s bad,” Sammiedoll said,
glancing at Teal’cdoll and the rest of the SG1 dollies.
Nodding, Jackdoll had to
agree. “So, we need a plan.”
“It’s my understanding As
Fic Percover Syndrome is caused by a dual broadcast of competing TV
companies. Is that right?” Dannydoll
asked.
Nodding quickly, Sammiedoll
smiled. “Yes, that’s about it. The problem is, that the audience gets
confused, seeing one character appear in another setting as a different
character is bad enough, but to see two characters appear in the same
setting from a different setting can have serious consequences for the
actors. Not only that, if any of the
characters are there as a plot ploy, or to substitute for a previous character,
they can get as confused as the audience, sometimes seeming to be the same
character but offering an inferior convincing quality.”
Jackdoll nodded sagely, and
then looked at Dannydoll. “What she
said.”
“Is it catching?” asked
Dannydoll frowning.
“No, it shouldn’t be, unless
the character has been another character previously,” Sammiedoll commented.
“So what do we do about it?”
Dannydoll asked.
“We rescue ‘em of course!”
“But what if rescuing them just
complicates things further?” Sammiedoll put in, her usual pessimism coming to
the fore.
“We’ll worry about that
after,” Jackdoll said wisely, because he knew the whole idea was to have an
exciting mission, the explanations for their little conundrum could come later,
in a short concluding scene that filled in all the gaps for the audience or
better still, a scene that explained everything right at the very beginning to
silence the audience and get them hooked on the action when it started.
“As long as everyone is
clear who’s who, it’ll be fine,” the coloneldoll declared shouldering his
immaculate if small P90.
-o-
The SG1dolls crept around
the edge of Jay Felger’s living room on their search and rescue mission. Dannydoll followed close behind Jackdoll and
allowed himself the occasional glance at his loverdoll’s cute butt. Smiling he felt for the blob of UHU adhesive
putty in his pocket. If he got the
chance to be tied up and imprisoned, he and Jackdoll would need the putty dick.
Soon, as they tiptoed behind
the couch, Jackdoll held up his arm and signalled the rest of his dolly team to
halt.
“I reckon this is the most
likely spot,” he whispered. “If I were
suffering from As Fic Percover, I’d want to hide away from any other TV
show. These guys can’t afford to be
contaminated by yet another one.”
Nodding, the rest of his
team agreed. That’s why Jackdoll was
such a good leader; he just knew the important things even if he could get a
little petulant at times.
Trying his radio, Jackdoll
broadcast a general signal and waited for a response.
While they stood together
Dannydoll was worried. He could feel
his little vinyl nose twitch, and before he could warn anyone, he sneezed
several times very loudly.
Jackdoll glared at him and
Dannydoll held up his hand by way of apology.
“Dust,” he croaked, and Jackdoll could see what he meant.
There was enough dust fluff
to start a bed stuffing plant.
At last Jackdoll’s radio
crackled. “Hey, it’s Mitchell, um
Crichton, err I mean…”
“Give it here…hello? This is his dark haired, attractive
companion, the one with the leather outfit.
We’re holed up at the end of the couch, and hurry, the syndrome is
causing rapid costume changes.”
The SG1dolls heard a
horrible girlie scream. “Get those
pigtails off me!”
-o-
Wading ankle deep in balls
of dusty fluff, the SG1 dollies made their way to the corner of the sofa, and
peering around the edge, Jackdoll spotted two dishevelled and downtrodden
dolls.
“Hey, you must be…Mitchell
and Sun,” he said with his characteristic sashay, hips swinging arrogantly as
he held his P90 in its point and shoot position. He was not going to take any chances, he wasn’t as
trusting as Dannydoll, nor as curious as Sammiedoll, though thinking about it,
he wasn’t as rash as Teal’cdoll either.
He waited and listened while Sammiedoll got out her field medical kit.
After a few moments,
Sammiedoll presented herself to Jackdoll.
“Sir, I think we should take them back with us to the farmhouse, for
2Rs.”
“2Rs?” Dannydoll queried.
“Yes,” Sammiedoll nodded,
“Re Runs. If they have the chance to
separate their characters, the therapy might work.”
“Work how?” Jackdoll asked.
“Well, once they’ve studied
each of their characters in their various settings, they should develop the
ability to choose which they want to be, and the syndrome should be cured.”
“Sounds like a plan to me,”
Jackdoll smiled, slipping on his shades.
Dannydoll’s U-shaped grip
twitched against the UHU adhesive putty in his pocket, and he wondered if there
was a chance of getting caught and tied up on the way back…
-o-
After twenty-four hours
subjected to Re Runs, the two newcomers were feeling a little better, if tired.
“You guys had any thoughts
about who you want to be?” Jackdoll asked as he sidled into the kitchen.
“I think I want to be Vala,”
Vala said emphatically.
“You mean Valadoll, right?”
Dannydoll said gently.
“What? We’re not dolls,” Crichton Mitchell
interjected with disdain.
“Of course you are! You’re dolls the same as us,” Jackdoll
snorted.
“But…how?” Mitchell asked.
“Well, you’re about seven
inches high, have little tiny accessories, and,” Jackdoll lowered his voice
leaning forward, “You are not anatomically correct.”
Spluttering, Mitchell also
leaned forward. “Are you sure?”
Grinning, Jackdoll raised
his little painted eyebrows. “You’re
dickless aren’t you?”
“You bet he is,” Valadoll
declared unhappily.
“We’ve got a cure for that
too,” Dannydoll nodded enthusiastically.
“Indeed,” Teal’cdoll
confirmed wholeheartedly.
Looking between the mendolls,
Vala grinned wickedly. “Well that
settles it. I’m definitely going to be
Vala, because that means I get to have sex with Crichtondoll, Mitchelldoll and
Dannydoll!”
“Hey, wait a minute!”
Jackdoll complained jealously.
“Hmmmm, and that means I
could have sex with Valadoll, Mitchelldoll and Jackdoll,” Dannydoll
laughed.
“So do you think we’re
cured?” Mitchelldoll asked Sammiedoll, not sure whether she was his older
sister, fellow soldierdoll, her subordinate, her senior officerdoll or just a
poster boy appendage to the SG1dolls.
Sammiedoll pouted. Though she loved Teal’cdoll deeply, she was
slightly put out that all the others could have multiple As Fic Percover
partners except her, and she would just be left holding the rubber babies.
Valadoll saw the expression
on Sammiedoll’s little vinyl face, and feeling sorry for her, thought she
should try and make some sisterly connection.
“Tell me, Sammiedoll, how do you manage to keep such big boobs and not
fall over?”
-o-
A few days later, Jay
Felger’s face loomed over the roof of the farmhouse. “Hi everyone, how’s it going?”
“Whaddya want, Felger?”
Jackdoll groused.
“I’ve just come to tell you
I’ve fixed up a small bungalow for Mitchelldoll and Valadoll.”
“A bungalow?” Valadoll
questioned.
“It’s a house where the
builder has to bung a low roof on it,” Dannydoll explained.
Everyone rolled their googly
eyes and said their goodbyes, though the bungalow would only be a few feet away
from the farmhouse.
Later that evening, as
Dannydoll sat in Jackdoll’s lap, his dolly body quivering with the aftershock
of their hot coupling, he noticed his loverdoll had a strange look on his
face. Dannydoll was perturbed at the
way Jackdoll was fiddling with a paperclip and a bootlace.
“Are you okay?”
Jackdoll?
“The name’s MacGyver…”