JACKERELLA

 

The Players

 

 

Jacob Carter, a General and Tok’ra Colonel Jack O’Neill Doctor Daniel Jackson Major Samantha Carter Teal’c, a Jaffa General George Hammond Senator Kinsey Harry Maybourne Frank Simmons Doctor Janet Fraiser

Narrator                                       Jackerella      Prince Charming                                 Dandini             Fairy Godperson Baron Hardup Wicked Stepmother    Ugly Sister Harriet  Ugly Sister Francine             Needles (formerly Buttons)

 

Supporting Players

                                                                                               

Major Charles Kowalski Major Lou Ferretti Pumpkin         Master of Ceremonies Hathor Nirrti Sergeant Walter Davies

Footman Footman The Stargate Major Paul Davis Hopeful suitor Hopeful suitor Butler

                                   

                                                                       

Hi, I’m Jacob Carter, your narrator, and it’s my job to take you through the action and the story of how Jack and Prince Charming get it on.  Anyway, in my situation, I’m always in two minds about everything – might be something to do with the snake in my head, Selmac, but right now, for the purposes of this story, it’s General Jacob Carter speaking.  What’s that, Selmac?  You don’t like my outfit?  Well, we’re in Pantoland so I have to dress up in this bow tie and thong!  What do you mean I look more like King Kong?  That’s not fair!  Anyway, if you Tok’ra are so good at what you do, how come you didn’t grow back the hair on my head?

 

So, here we are, about to follow the fortunes of our players, two of whom, defy the odds and their orders, to become lovers.  I crave your indulgence dear reader, to suspend your belief and enjoy the story.  Just remember, that as I said, we are in Pantoland, the place that only opens to us at Christmas.  It’s a land of farce and burlesque where men are women and women are men and all is upside down....

 

The curtain opens to reveal Star Gate Castle and a concerned and destitute Baron George Hardup, worried that his resources are running out.  His second in command, a faithful vassal named Jack O’Neill, is angry that the noble lord is considering an ill-matched alliance with one rich and powerful Senorita Kinsey.  They make uncomfortable bedfellows, much to the consternation of Jack and no doubt, to the high level of eeeewwww factor experienced by you, the reader.

 

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Act One

 

Scene One

 

“Sir?  Are you sure about this?” Jack asked, concerned by the Baron’s apparent acceptance of their situation.  “Couldn’t we just hold a bake sale or somethin’?” the younger man smiled, knowing full well that would never raise the kind of funds they needed to keep the Star Gate Castle functioning.

 

“I’m sorry, son.  I’ve tried every possible avenue and I’m left with just one option, marrying Senorita Amber Kinsey,” the older man replied, the sadness in his voice difficult for even Jack to ignore.

 

“Tell me something, Baron?  Amber is a familiar name, is it short for something?”

 

“Yes, Ambitious, why?”

 

“Juss askin’.”

 

“Whatever you think, Jack, an alliance with Amber is the only thing that will keep the lights on.”

 

“If you say so, sir,” Jack muttered failing to disguise his sarcasm.

 

“Oh, the senorita is bringing two associates.  They’ll be moving in too.”

 

“Sir!” Jack protested, wondering whether it was possible for the day to get any worse.

 

At that moment, Baron Hardup’s butler entered.

 

“Thank you, Davis.  I assume the senorita is accompanied by…”

 

“Yes, sir,” Davis replied crisply, the sound of consternation in his voice and a look of distaste on his face.

 

Jack moved to stand just behind the Baron’s left shoulder, his taller frame in sharp contrast to Hardup’s shorter portly figure.  Much as Jack wanted to present a hard and unforgiving expression to the woman he saw as a dangerous interloper, his jaw dropping when Kinsey and her entourage swept into the room.

 

She was tall, very tall with wide shoulders, older than he’d expected and with what Jack took to be a permanent sneer.  She wore a grey skirt suit and black stockings with a small black hat perched on her head.  It had a crop of black-stemmed feathers that looked like an explosion at a chicken farm; a black net veil attached to the bird hat covered her face.  Jack didn’t know whether to laugh or cry and instead, turned his face away for a moment to feel a snort escape his mouth, covering it with a cough.

 

“Well, well, George, here we all are,” sneered Kinsey her beady eyes darting here and there, assessing the likely gains for her and her associates.

 

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Jacob here.  The Baron thinks this alliance will bring the SGC resources and stability, Kinsey thinks it will bring power and influence.  Not a match made in heaven then…oh dear.

 

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“These are my associates,” Kinsey stated and Jack frowned at the deep quality of the senorita’s voice.  A bass sound coming out of a pair of red-painted lips and topped by long black false eyelashes somehow didn’t quite fit.

 

“May I introduce Harriet Maybourne and Francine Simmons?”

 

“They’ve got different surnames, sir,” Jack noted to his commanding officer.

 

Kinsey overheard him and giggling like a twelve year old, the senorita stretched out her arm and waved her gloved hand in their direction.

 

“Different fathers you know.”

 

Jack nodded as he tried to process the two figures in front of them.

 

Harriet was short and podgy with piggy eyes and short dark spiked hair.  She wore shocking pink and reminded Jack of an Easter egg.  Francine, on the other hand, was as tall as the senorita and of a similar build.  She was bedecked in riding jodhpurs; knee high black leather boots and a green and white polka dot blouse.  Jack was beginning to wish he had his sunglasses.

 

For a moment’s silence, the five eyed each other, Harriet and Francine just nudging one another as they looked at Jack, who as a result, felt like a piece of steak being assessed by a pair of hungry shoppers.

 

“Sherry?” George offered, breaking the awkwardness of the situation, and as Kinsey lifted her veil just high enough to sip the drink, all Jack’s suspicion bells were ringing in his head.

 

“I’ve arranged a small banquet in your honour, senorita, will you join me?” the baron said, offering his arm to his alliance-to-be.

 

“Oooh,” she fluttered, setting down the sherry schooner with a large hand.  Before he knew what was happening, Harriet and Francine had slipped their arms through Jack’s and he felt himself being jostled and propelled forward between them. 

 

“Come with us, Jack,” breathed Francine, and Harriet smiled wickedly.

 

Was that a hand on his butt?  He wasn’t sure as the party headed for the dining room.

 

Scene Two

 

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Jacob here.  When you look at what the Kinsey crowd are wearing, this bow tie and thong looks pretty tame.  No, Selmac, I am not wearing riding britches, no, not even for you!  Anyway, dear reader, the scene now changes to the kingdom of Academia and its university library where two people are sitting opposite each other at a large wooden table.  A pile of tomes surrounds one; the other just has a comic book.

 

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“Your highness?  Why don’t you put that book down and talk to me?”

 

“Why don’t you stop talking, and read yours, Dandini?”

 

“C’mon, Daniel, this is boring.  I’ve read mine and now I want to do something else.”

 

“But this is interesting,” came the royal whine.

 

“Get a life, sir,” Dandini shot back.

 

Closing his book slowly, Prince Charming trained his blue eyes on his companion and sighed.  “Well then, what shall we do?”

 

“We could go for a ride,” Dandini grinned, his huge blue eyes sparkling at the thought of several hundred pounds of sleek powerful steed between his thighs.

 

Daniel stared at his courtier.  The short blond hair, large eyes and sculpted cheekbones gave Dandini a very feminine look. His friend was tall and slim with the build of a woman and more than once, the prince has felt a frisson of arousal looking at his companion, but somehow it always made him feel uncomfortable. 

 

“Very well, Dandini, I give in.  Let’s go and change,” the prince said emphatically.

 

Once mounted on their steeds, the prince and Dandini galloped away from the kingdom’s HQ out towards the countryside.  Here Daniel didn’t have to be a prince of the realm and today he decided he would be a travelling academic and Dandini would be his assistant.

 

Scene Three

 

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Jacob here.  Poor Jack, the next few weeks saw him working harder than he ever had in his life, just to satisfy the demands of the SGC’s new houseguests.  He was kept busy chopping wood for Harriet and Francine’s fire just for starters.

 

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The sisters settled themselves at their shared bedroom window to watch Jack wield the wood axe down below in the yard.  It was a warm day and Jack couldn’t understand why the two ugly sisters, his name for them, insisted on burning a fire in their room.  Pulling off his shirt, he grabbed another log to split it on the block.  His skin glistened with sweat as his muscles bunched and relaxed with the work.

 

“Don’t you just love the way that line of hair tracks from his navel southwards?” murmured Harriet, her tiny eyes fixed on Jack’s abdomen.

 

“I suppose,” answered Francine, fingering the black leather, riding crop in her hands.

 

“I bet you have fantasies about Jack don’t you?” Harriet continued, not taking her eyes from Jack’s body.

 

“No,” her sister declared, dropping the crop against her open palm repeatedly.

 

“I don’t believe you, Francine.  Come on, share!”

 

“I might have the occasional thought,” Francine offered.

 

“And?” her sister prompted.

 

“I sometimes imagine him like he is now, naked to the waist, his skin hot and slick and I’m tying his wrists against that fence over there.  I’m tickling his flesh with my crop.  I kick his feet apart and he moans.”  With that, Francine snapped the crop hard across her hand and her eyes rolled with pleasure.

 

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Well, dear reader, you might have noticed by now that the ugly sisters have designs on our hero, something that hasn’t escaped his own powers of observation.

 

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As Jack stretched to straighten out the knots in his back, he reached for a bottle of water, drinking some and pouring the rest over his head and neck.  Slicking back his wet hair the surplus water trickled slowly down his face and neck and dripping onto his chest, the cooling effect making his nipples hard and erect.  He had the feeling he was being watched, and as he glanced upwards to Harriet and Francine’s window, he thought he spotted movement but he couldn’t be sure.  Frowning, he still couldn’t figure out why they wanted firewood in the middle of June.  He also didn’t understand why the two sisters hung around the yard, always standing just a little too close when he bent to reach into the chicken house to collect the eggs, and what was it with Francine and that riding crop?

 

Jack was taller than Harriet and around the same height as Francine, so why was it that Francine couldn’t reach the shelf in their room to fetch a set of handcuffs or a couple of little clamps?  Francine always called Jack for that job.  He wasn’t always a party to George’s plans, but he just wished the senorita and her associates would leave.  He didn’t trust them and they were just so weird.  They reminded Jack of men rather than women, it might have been something to do with their deep voices and hairy legs.  His thoughts made him shudder. 

 

Once he’d filled the wood basket and delivered it to the sisters’ room he was going to take a few hours break.  He would shut himself away in the kitchen and hope they didn’t come looking for him.  He was getting sick of Harriet’s game of hide and seek.  He would always find her in the same dark closet looking flushed and excited.  Sometimes Francine liked to wear handcuffs and Jack had to pretend to be angry with her for doing that.  Jack was never comfortable with Francine’s request to have him swat the woman’s butt with that crop.  What was that about?  The worst job he had was to sort their laundry; they had the strangest underwear…

 

In the relative quiet of the kitchen, Jack slumped into a small armchair next to the range and stared down at his clothes.  He was a mess, his boots were caked with mud from standing in the dirt to chop the wood and his hands were showing signs of blistering, his back ached as well.  He’d done some crap jobs in his time, but he always saw the point of those, this situation was different and he just couldn’t understand what the Baron hoped to achieve by it.  Jack’s breath hitched as he held his head in his hands, he’d never felt so low.

 

“Jack?  You okay?”

 

The depressed and unhappy man lifted his eyes at the sound of a woman’s soft and gentle voice.  It was his friend, Needles.

 

“Hey, Needles.  How ya doin’?” he asked, trying to shake off his gloom.

 

“I’m good, Jack, thanks and what about you?”

 

“Tired, pissed off, y’know, the usual,” the handsome man replied dejectedly.

 

“Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear that.  Bad day?”

 

“Yeah, bad day, bad week, bad life,” he continued.

 

“So what’s it all about, Jack?”

 

“You so don’t wanna know.”

 

“Jack?” Needles began, drawing up a small wooden stool and settling down next to him.  “Ever thought, perhaps, if you found someone…to settle down with, your life might be better.”

 

Glancing at the diminutive brown-haired woman, Jack gave her a weak smile.  “Who would want me?  I’m old, cranky and set in my ways.  It would take someone really special to put up with all of that.”

 

Needles broke eye contact with him.  She liked Jack a lot, but it was obvious he didn’t see her in that way…she wasn’t special enough.

 

“Never mind, Jack, I’m sure there’s someone out there just for you,” the woman commented brightly, trying to cheer herself up as much as the man beside her.

 

Staring at the clock for a moment, Jack smiled.  “I’ve got a couple of hours before the ugly sisters are on my back again, so I’m goin’ fishing.  See ya later, Needles,” he called as he disappeared out of the back door, swinging the strap of a small wicker basket over his shoulder and grabbing a fishing rod from a corner near the pantry.

 

“Bye, Jack,” Needles replied in a small voice as the door clicked shut.

 

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Scene Four

 

Since their first excursion, Prince Charming and Dandini took to regular jaunts around the kingdom on horseback.  This time, their journey had taken them to the banks of a wide sluggish river not far from their starting point.

 

As Dandini tethered their mounts to a nearby tree, Daniel stood at the edge of the water, peering into its weed-cloaked depths.

 

Further upstream, Jack sat patiently on the riverbank, his fishing rod resting on a stick with a V configuration.  He’d searched for a suitable rod rest when he got there, and when he found exactly what he was looking for, he’d shoved one end into the soft soil of the bank, baited the hook and laid the rod on the ad hoc rest.  Having got himself settled, he sat back against a tree trunk to enjoy a few hours break from the weirdness that had become his life at the SGC.

 

After an hour or so, his sojourn had been interrupted by the sound of horses.  Glancing in the direction of neighing and stamping hooves he saw two men dismounting.  As one tied up the horses the other stood at the river’s edge, looking at the water rather cautiously.  Jack snorted, these were not used to the countryside, everything about them said townsfolk.  Turning back to his patch of the river, he ignored them, hoping that they would not interfere with his pursuit of the noble perch.  He thought he should really be concentrating on catching a fish for the table, but he enjoyed the sport of trying to catch a perch.  They were the predators of the river, besides the pike, so for Jack, it was a warrior catching a warrior.

 

A loud splash disrupted his train of thought and looking upstream Jack saw that the man who had been looking at the water was now in it, thrashing his arms and shouting.  This in turn, had spooked the horses, who by now, had loosened their reins and were stampeding away from the river, hotly pursued by the second man.  Jack threw back his head and laughed uproariously, the scene unfolding was better than watching any 1930s slapstick comedy.  This was far more enjoyable than even Charlie Chaplin or Laurel and Hardy.  When he saw the dry man racing to catch their steeds and the wet man still struggling in the water he was struck by just a small feeling of guilt.  Maybe he should go and offer his help, and if he got a bite from a perch in the meantime, he swore he would be as pissed as hell.  His hopes for a few quiet hours of respite were rapidly going down the toilet – or rather down the river in this case.

 

After jogging the hundred yards or so to the semi-drowning man, Jack stood on the bank and laughed some more.

 

“Stop panicking and try putting your feet down,” he called.

 

The sodden royal started at the stranger’s voice.

 

“Gowan, just do as I say.  Straighten your legs and feel for the river bed.”

 

The splashing and struggling slowly abated as Daniel found his feet about forty-eight inches under the surface of the water.  Feeling embarrassed and humiliated, Daniel steadied himself and then waded the few yards to the bank.  Jack bent forward and offered his hand; the man took it and pulled himself out of the water.  As he did so, Jack's jaw dropped.  This man was built and he couldn't fail to notice how the wet t-shirt clung to his body, moulding itself over taught well-developed muscles.  Smiling, Jack thought that maybe this catch might prove more satisfying than the wretched perch he'd tried all afternoon to hook.  Their eyes met and for a long moment, time stood still as they remained motionless, their hands still touching.

 

Daniel was mesmerised by the velvet brown eyes of his rescuer.  His groin stirred as he carefully tracked the handsome face and wide mouth.  The crystal blue eyes of his rescuee captured Jack.  Being soaked through, the man gave the same stripped down look as a wet cat, nothing to see but the very essence and a whole lot more attractive than a soggy moggy.  Jack blinked and the moment was gone.

 

Carefully picking stranded weed from the man's hair and shoulders, Jack looked into a pair of bright blue eyes and found that in contrast, it wasn't the man in the water he'd hooked but the other way around, it was Jack himself who was hooked by the man pouting in front of him.

 

"You don't have to do that," he snapped gripping Jack's wrist and pushing his arm away, with his hand still grasping the detritus he'd cleared from the other man's body.

 

"Okay, okay," replied Jack holding up his hands in apology, then it was the other man's turn to laugh.  "What?"

 

"You're still holding all that yucky green stuff, you look like the creature from the lagoon!"

 

"Yeah, well whatever," Jack muttered, his initial feelings for the victim of the river ebbing away quickly.  As he flicked his hands to get rid of the slimy weed he looked again into those blue eyes and felt his attraction for the man return.

 

"You should have figured the river isn't that deep just here, you can almost see the bottom," Jack said, determined not to give away how his dormant lust had suddenly awoken.

 

"Well, we're not all as conversant with the ways of the river as are you," countered the stranger.

 

"Yeah, not you're fault I suppose, being from the town an' all," Jack smiled, feeling just a little smug.

 

"I assume you've caught lots of fish while you've been here?"

 

"Not exactly," Jack muttered.

 

"Oh, so even the most expert of us is not always successful then?"

 

Jack said nothing.

 

"My name is Da…Dandini," the prince said, checking himself.  He didn't want to be identified at a later date as the prince who couldn't tell the difference between four feet of river water and the Mariana Trench.  Also, he didn't want his rescuer to treat him any differently from any other man.

 

"I'm Ja..."

 

"Oh my goodness, are you all right?"

 

The men turned to see Dandini walking towards them, holding the reins of the now re-captured horses.

 

"I'm fine, really."

 

"Perhaps we should go, your hi..." Dandini frowned as she watched Daniel mouth the word 'no'.  "Ahh, we should go, your clothes are wet," the courtier corrected, understanding that the prince wished to remain anonymous.

 

"Thank you for your help."  Smiling, Daniel mounted his steed and with a wave, was gone.

 

Watching the riders as they disappeared into the distance, Jack tried to make sense of what had just happened and his feelings about it.  He'd helped a man who thought he was drowning, to the riverbank and in the process, had lost his heart.  Dropping his head, he stared at the damp ground where the man had stood, Dandini he said his name was, realising that perhaps his salvation had come and gone, and gone forever.  Was this the one that got away?  Then Jack remembered his fishing rod and running to get it, he saw it floating down the river, probably with a damned perch attached.

 

Yep, it was still a bad day.

 

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Act Two

 

Scene One

 

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This is Selmac speaking.  Our heroes have spent the last few weeks regretful of their respective situations.  Jack’s is getting stranger by the day and Daniel is coming under pressure from the powers that be, oh and by the way, don’t talk to me about the powers that be, did you see the way they treated the Tok’ra, getting them all blown up?  You would have thought by now they should have realised that the Tok’ra are gonna save Earth from the Goa’uld.  What’s that, Jacob?  The other way around?  I don’t know what you mean and whatever you said just then sounds pretty rude to me…couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery?  What is that?

 

Don’t mind Selmac, its just a little running joke we have.  Anyway, the scene opens on a distraught and angry Daniel, and a confused and cross-dressing Dandini.

 

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“It’s probably all for the best, your royal highness, I mean a good marriage will help the kingdom and that’s what you want don’t you?”

 

“Well, yes but not at the expense of my own happiness.  I don’t want to marry a foreign princess; in fact I don’t want to marry a princess of any origin.”

 

“Not even a queen?”

 

“Forget it, Dandini and definitely not a queen!”

 

Daniel turned away from his trusty, but naïve aide and stared out of the window.

 

I can’t tell Dandini that I think I prefer men to women, he might think I’m after him and I’m not.  The man I met at the river is the one for me; I just wish I knew his name.  Thanks to Dandini here, I never got to find out.

 

“So what are you thinking of wearing to the ball, sir?”

 

“Fuck the ball!”

 

“Sir?”

 

“I’m sorry, Dandini, I really don’t want to be paraded as marriage fodder for a load of Barbie dolls.  I want to be able to determine my own future.”

 

“Yes, your royal highness, I think I understand, but right now, you’ve got a ball to attend and with just two hours to go, you haven’t even showered or dressed.”

 

“Hmmmm?  Oh, right.  I suppose I should at least go through the motions, but I’m telling you this, my heart isn’t in it and I really don’t want to do this.”

 

“Perhaps if you just dance a few dances, smile and nod you could get away with it.”

 

“Maybe, but then again, there would just be another ball or some other parade I’d have to attend in the future, and I’d still be meat on the slab whichever way you look at it.”

 

“Let’s hope a lady in shining armour turns up to rescue you,” Dandini said, wishing that opportunity as much for himself as for his prince.

 

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Scene Two

 

“Hurry up, Frank, you’re taking far too long in the bathroom,” Harry ranted as she combed her hair.  “I need to pee and I need to do it now!”

 

“All right, all right,” Frank bit back leaving the bathroom.  “We’ve got at least an hour before we need to leave.”

 

“I know, but it’ll take me that long to haul my dick out of these panties.”

 

“TMI, Harry, TMI!”

 

Just then, there was a knock at the door and Jack gingerly pushed it open, afraid that the sight of two semi-dressed ugly sisters would send him blind.

 

“D’ya need anything?” he asked resentfully.  He hoped the only answer he would hear was ‘No’, but no such luck.

 

“Oh, Jack darling,” Francine oozed, “Help me zip up my dress will you?”

 

Jack wanted to fasten the outfit all the way up and over Francine’s head like a body bag.  As he pulled the zip, Francine shivered and giggled under his touch and Jack grimaced.  This woman was soooo ugly she'd win the world’s Ugly Competition by a clear mile.

 

“It’s a shame you won’t be going to the ball,” Harriet commented as she readjusted her underwear with a wiggle of her hips.  “But then, you don’t do balls do you?” she said somewhat bad tempered.

 

It was all Jack could do not to laugh out loud…if only she knew.

 

“No, being on duty must be such a disappointment to you.  Never mind, we’ll bring you back some cake with cream on the top,” Francine added for good measure.

 

“Whipped?” Jack asked, waiting for Francine to react.

 

Instead, both sisters gave the serving officer a withering glance and pushed him back out of the door.

 

After Senorita Kinsey, Francine and Harriet had left the SGC, Jack headed for the kitchen, which in recent weeks had become his sanctuary.  He spent as much time as he could there, thinking about the man he’d met at the river, the very well built man with the wet t-shirt.  He’d thought so much about him that Jack could only sleep at nights after he’d answered the call of his very active libido.  If nothing else, he’d found a more interesting use for his right hand than just cleaning and chopping wood with it.

 

Sitting down in his chair next to the range, he felt more depressed and frustrated than he’d ever been.  The others had gone to the ball and in some ways Jack was glad they were out of the way but given the option, he would have liked to have gone too, if for no other reason than to get dressed up and see some bright lights and pretty…men.  Damn, he could only think about River Boy…

 

As he sat in silence and in the dimness of the empty kitchen, Jack noticed a strange glow in the corner of the room, a glow that was brightening as he stared at it.

 

“What the?” he exclaimed as the glowing light metamorphosed into a person, a huge black man type person to be exact.

 

"Good evening, O'Neill, you sent for me?"

 

"Me?  I didn't send for anyone," Jack replied, scratching his head and wondering if that stuff he used to clean Francine’s boots was affecting him.

 

"I am Teal'c, your fairy godperson.  Your heart and soul called to me."

 

"Really," Jack muttered, thinking that perhaps his life did have the capacity to get even weirder.

 

"I was on Chulak, ironing my robes when I received your message," the big man continued.  "Even Bra’tac was surprised."

 

"Bra’tac?"

 

"The head of my order," Teal'c explained.

 

"Right.  So you were that glowing...thing in the corner?" Jack asked, waving his hand in the vicinity of the potato barrel.

 

"I was."

 

"Chip off the old block then," Jack quipped as he stared at the man with the silver coloured armour and gold tattoo on his forehead.

 

"I understand that your life's desire is to attend the royal ball.  Is this correct?"

 

"Well, I'm not doing anything else tonight."

 

"So, you wish to go to this...party?"

 

"I wouldn't mind, but what I really want, no one can deliver," Jack murmured, sighing loudly.

 

"What is it you really want, O'Neill?"

 

Jack couldn't bring himself to tell the large African glowy person what he really wanted although the ‘don't ask-don't tell rule’ had already been broken.  Teal'c had asked and now Jack was obliged to tell.

 

"It's not what I want, it's who I want."

 

"My Jaffa master has always taught me to be clear, unambiguous and committed to my goal," Teal'c prompted.

 

"Whatever," Jack said dismissively.  "Who I want doesn't really know what I want, so I shouldn't be asking you anything."

 

Frowning slightly, Teal'c was reminded of what Bra’tac had told him.  "Beware the Tau'ri, they speak in riddles."

 

"I have the power to grant your wish, O'Neill.  What is it?"

 

"I want to see the man I pulled out of the river, is what I want," Jack replied emphatically.  Whatever was going on here made no sense to him except his greatest desire to meet Wet T-shirt Man again.

 

"Your wish is my command," Teal'c replied and lifting the staff in his hand, trained it on a confused Jack.  As the pointed end opened up with a flash of energy, Jack raised his arms to cover his face and when he lowered them again he found himself outside the SGC in the kitchen garden.  Staring down at himself he noticed he was wearing his blue dress uniform, his cap was in his hand and patting the right hand pocket of his trousers, he felt the unmistakable outline of his sunglasses.

 

"Cool," he smiled as he retrieved them from his pocket and put them on.  The fact that it was nighttime didn't stop him, he couldn't care less if he never saw anything clearly again, he just wanted to look cool and mysterious and cool and sexy and cool.

 

"You will need a suitable mode of transportation, O'Neill."

 

"Where am I going?"

 

"To the ball."

 

"But I wanted to find the guy I fished out of the river," whined Jack, taking off the sunglasses to get a clear view of his fairy godperson.

 

"I know this, but I have to send you to the ball, O'Neill.  That is the only way the Jaffa will be free of false gods," the black man responded fervently.

 

Blinking, Jack didn't have a clue what the Jaffa was talking about, and wondered if he might be somehow connected to one of Francine's very weird discipline fantasies.

 

"I will arrange your transportation, stand back, O’Neill,” Teal’c warned, aiming his magic staff at a large orange pumpkin in the centre of the garden.

 

With a flash the pumpkin changed into something quite extraordinary.  Jack’s eyes traced the monumental transformation from the ground up, bending his back as he looked upwards to the zenith of the large metal or was that stone, ring.

 

“What is that?” Jack asked, spinning around to challenge the Jaffa.

 

“It is known as the Stargate and will transport you to the ball, O’Neill.”

 

“How?” Jack went on, staring at the foot of the edifice in the hope of finding a set of Michelins.

 

“When the device is operational you must step through it to your destiny,” Teal’c said engimatically.

 

“I thought I was going to the ball.”

 

“Same thing, O’Neill.  Do you wish a ceremonial guard to accompany you?”

 

“I think I do.  There could be nothing but crap through that thing,” Jack added suspiciously.  He didn’t like surprises, and boy was George gonna get one of those when he looked out and saw what had grown in his garden.

 

With another discharge of his magic staff, Teal’c produced two confused and fully uniformed men as Jack’s guard of honour. 

 

“Jack?  What’s goin’ on?” asked Charley Kowalski, anxiously.

 

“Yeah, tell us, Jack,” chimed in Lou Ferretti.

 

“I’m not sure, guys but this man here seems to know,” Jack answered, nodding towards the big Jaffa.

 

“Are you ready, O’Neill?  The time has come and you must go.”

 

“I…I guess so,” the SGC officer replied, straightening himself up and easing the tie around his throat a little.

 

“Remember, O’Neill, when the clock strikes twelve you must return.  At midnight the magic of my staff will fade and you will be as you were before.”

 

“Gotcha.  Midnight.  Okay, fellas, let’s go,” Jack said, his voice level and controlled, belying his real feelings of uncertainty.

 

Teal’c again discharged his staff, this time right through the middle of the huge circle standing in the kitchen garden and suddenly a great wall of standing water filled the empty space.

 

“Through this?” Jack asked quietly, pointing to his unknown destiny.

 

“Indeed, O’Neill, through that and whatever lies beyond.  Remember my warning,” the Jaffa called as the three officers stepped carefully into the flickering substance of the Stargate.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Scene Three

 

 “Dandini?  Are you sure this suit looks okay?” Daniel asked as he fiddled with the buttons on his jacket.

 

“You look fine, very handsome,” his courtier replied.  “The dark blue goes well with your skin and hair colour.  You’re sure to be a hit with the ladies,” Dandini confirmed as he smiled.  “You will, really.”

 

“If you say so,” grumbled Prince Charming.  He did not want to do this at all.  He wanted to be back at the riverbank in the hope of seeing the man who had pulled him out of the water.  Whoever he was, Daniel was sure he was worth meeting again.

 

“Ready?” Dandini said gently, raising his hand to rest between the prince’s shoulder blades.

 

Gathering himself Daniel nodded, and the two proceeded to the ballroom to meet the many guests who had been arriving for the last few hours.  If truth were told, he felt sick to his stomach and knew he would need all his tact and guile to avoid any diplomatic incidents if he wanted to extricate himself from a loveless and inappropriate marriage.

 

As Daniel and Dandini approached the festivities, the sound of music and voices could be heard.  As they stood in the doorway, Daniel blinked against the bright lights and splendour of the ballroom.  How he wished he was wet and spluttering and in the arms of the man on the riverbank.  In fact, he would like nothing more than to be wet and spluttering as a result of meeting the man; river water had nothing to do with it.

 

The prince was introduced to every eligible woman in the place, only Dandini seemed to be pleased with the proceedings, smiling as he did at each new overture.  Daniel noted that from time to time, his courtier fell behind and he noticed Dandini laughing and talking to the most beautiful of his suitors.

 

“Your royal highness,” piped the Master of Ceremonies, Paul Davis.  “May I introduce the princesses Hathor and Nirrti?  I believe they have travelled great distances to meet you.”

 

Nodding in acknowledgement, Daniel did his best not to look bored and tired.  This woman Hathor was very forward and kept muttering that she was queen and mother of all Goa’uld and that Daniel would be her beloved if he agreed to marry her.  That was bad enough until Nirrti began threatening to wire him up to some machine or other and that she wanted to see what he was made of.  Turning to Daniel, Nirrti smiled and said, “Once I share my powers we could rule the galaxy together.”  The prince was certain that whatever was on this woman’s mind, a quiet marriage and a couple of children were not part of it.  Slowly, Daniel backed away from the two harridans and walking beside Davis, he came face to face with Harriet and Francine.

 

Staring in disbelief, Daniel was sure that these two were the result of a cruel and unholy trick of creation for they looked much more like men than women were ever supposed to.

 

As far as Francine and Harriet were concerned, Daniel was the epitome of manhood and the two could only fawn and laugh nervously at the sight of him.  Behind them another scary woman appeared, her gimlet eyes piercing Daniel's comfort zone.

 

"My associates are very eligible, your royal highness," she gushed and Daniel wanted to run, as far away as possible.  The presence of this woman was making his balls shrink.  "Either of them will make you the best alliance you could ever wish for," she continued.

 

"I suppose you're available too," Daniel muttered under his breath and the woman heard him.

 

"Ooooh, I'd never thought of that.  You'd certainly make a more interesting…err…partner than George Hardup.  All he ever does is stand in the garden and stare at that damned pumpkin.  What do you say, Prince Charming?  Want to be the next partner of the future president?"

 

Confused and sickened, Daniel smiled and turned away, desperate to find a rock to crawl under and hide, or a very hot shower to wash away any contamination by these three very weird and creepy women.

 

As Daniel did the rounds he noticed a tall lean man resting against the far wall.  He was dressed in a military uniform and at first, the prince dismissed him as yet another foreign flunky until he got closer and thought the stranger looked familiar.  Whispering to Paul Davis, Daniel asked the master of ceremonies to find out who this man was and within a few minutes Davis was back.

 

“No one seems to know who he is, sir.  I’m sorry.  Shall I have the guard remove him from the premises?”

 

“No!  I mean, it’s all right, Davis.  He can stay.  I’ll find out who he is.”  The stranger in blue piqued Daniel’s curiosity and he meant to find out what he could, if for no other reason than to satisfy himself that whatever was familiar about the man was only in his imagination.

 

Walking slowly to where the mysterious man was, Daniel tried to assess what he remembered of the man by the river.  This one was the same height and build but with his sunglasses on, the prince couldn’t tell, he needed to see his eyes.

 

As Jack observed the goings on around the ballroom, his eyes kept returning to a tall good-looking man being shepherded from woman to woman.  It put Jack in mind of some kind of slave market and he didn’t like it one bit, though he did like the look of the man at the centre of this ridiculous charade.  He thought there was something familiar about the figure in the dark blue suit but he wasn’t sure.  He was the same height and build as the man he'd fished out of the river except this one was wearing spectacles and was dry.  Sighing, Jack stared at his black polished shoes for a moment and when he looked up there was the blue suit, standing in front of him and smiling.

 

Gently pushing himself off from the wall, Jack raised himself up to his six feet two inch height and as he took in the other man he could feel his skin tingle.  Now he was really confused.  Over the last few weeks his mind had been firmly fixed on River Boy and he didn’t want to know about anyone else and here in front of him was temptation incarnate.  Damn!

 

All of Jack’s alarm bells were clanging yet again, only this time it was personal.  He was feeling the same strong attraction for the man in blue as he did for the wet guy.  It wasn’t in his nature to play fast and loose so experiencing these kinds of powerful emotions in such a short space of time had him both frustrated and confused.

 

The prince eyed the uniformed man and a rush of thoughts pulsed through his brain.  The man was so familiar and yet, somehow different.  This man was quiet, composed and at least he wasn’t laughing at Daniel.  Even with that humiliation, Daniel still couldn’t forget the fisherman’s firm grip and strong arm as he was hauled out of the water, as well as the lingering look from those dark brown eyes.

 

“Hey.”

 

A voice interrupted the prince and dragged him from his reveries back to the present.

 

“Hi,” Daniel replied, frowning.  The man was still wearing sunglasses and he couldn’t establish eye contact.  It was irritating.  Who was this man?  Everyone was here because of an exclusive invite so someone must know him.  Daniel felt a cloud descend over him, when he thought about the angler.  Someone like him would never get access to a bash like this…unfortunately.

 

“So…how’s it goin’?” the stranger drawled and Daniel was about to reply just how bad it was when the man removed his shades.  Daniel’s mouth opened and nothing came out.  Staring into a pair of dark brown eyes, he was rendered speechless.  Was this the man, his rescuer?  There was one way to find out.

 

“Do I know you?” he asked, frowning again.

 

“Me?  I don’t know.  Do you?” Jack answered with a lopsided grin.

 

“Do you like fishing?” the prince continued carefully.

 

Nodding, Jack’s brain cells suddenly kicked in and he was all ready processing.  Why would the man be asking about fishing of all things?  Unless…

 

“Is your name…Jake?”

 

“No,” Jack said, trying his best not to laugh out loud.  The only thing that stopped him was the earnest look on his inquisitor’s face.

 

 “Jason?  James?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Jonas…John…I know, how about Jonathan?”  Daniel was getting desperate now.  He’d only ever heard the beginning of the man’s name and trying to guess it was driving him to distraction, particularly as he sensed the other man was playing with him.

 

“My name is Jack, Jack O’Neill.  What’s yours, Dandini?”

 

“What?”

 

“Didja really think I’d buy a name like that?”  Jack was laughing openly now and suddenly Daniel felt angry again.  He’d never known anyone who could engender such strong emotions in him.

 

“Well, I…”

 

“C’mon, what’s your real name?”

 

“Daniel Jackson, and you knew all along?  You’re the man at the river aren’t you?”

 

“Yes, I am and I’m glad to see you again,” Jack said with genuine warmth in his voice.

 

The negative feeling Daniel was currently experiencing evaporated at the sight of Jack’s expression.  How could he stay mad at such a handsome face?

 

“We should talk,” Daniel suggested.

 

“Yeah, can we walk as well?  That band has lost its volume control I think,” Jack grinned.

 

“I think you’re right,” Daniel agreed, having to raise his voice to be heard over a drum roll.

 

Kinsey watched as Prince Charming and the attractive stranger left the party.  With narrowed eyes, Francine and Harriet were summoned.

 

“We have to do something about whoever that is,” Kinsey growled, indicating the now disappearing figure of Jack as he passed through the doors.

 

“Leave it to us, we’ll figure something out,” replied Francine, glancing at Harriet.

 

Slipping out of the packed and noisy ballroom by way of one of the many open doors overlooking the grounds of the palace, Daniel led Jack between formal flowerbeds to the furthest edge of the gardens and a high, stone wall.  As they stood by a wooden gate, Daniel counted four individual stones to his left and removed the fifth one.  Reaching into the gap, he pulled out a large key and holding it aloft in triumph, replaced the stone.  As he turned the key in the lock the door creaked ajar and with a shove of his shoulder, Daniel forced it open.  After they passed through, Daniel pushed it closed and dropped the key into the inside pocket of his jacket.

 

“This is my secret garden,” Daniel announced proudly as Jack took in a mass of rambling plants, trees and shrubs enclosed by the high wall all the way around them.

 

“Hey, you’ve got lavender,” Jack smiled, bending to pick some.  Sniffing the heady aroma he murmured, “I love this scent.”  Tucking it into his pocket, he moved to stand beside Daniel who was surveying his handiwork.

 

“It’s nice,” complimented Jack.  “You did all this yourself?”

 

“Mostly,” Daniel nodded, “though I let nature get on with it and just control the more rampant plants.”

 

Jack grinned.  The thought of Daniel and rampant in the same sentence was doing his concentration no good at all.

 

“You got pumpkins?” he asked, looking around some more.

 

“Pumpkins?” echoed the prince, confused.

 

“Never mind,” Jack muttered as he started along a narrow path.

 

“No, this way,” Daniel called.  “There’s a little summer house over the other side.  We can sit and talk there.”

 

After a few minutes, Jack and Daniel were settled in the summerhouse, their only illumination the moonlight.

 

“Won’t you be missed?” Jack asked fascinated by how Daniel’s blue eyes glinted in the silvery beams of light.

 

“I don’t care,” the younger man replied dismissively.  “I don’t want a wife, I’m not interested,” he said angrily.  “I want to marry for love, well, I want a relationship based on love, put it that way.”  He gave a little twitch of a smile.  “Thanks for rescuing me from the water.”

 

“You’re welcome.  Tell me, why did you say your name was Dandini?”

 

“Because,” was all Daniel would say.

 

“Oh, right, well that explains everything,” Jack retorted.

 

“I’m sorry, Jack, it’s just that I’m not at liberty to choose my own life in the way that you are.”

 

“Really?  You should try my life, Daniel.  I bet it’s weirder than yours!  I was sent here by a huge honkin’ black man with a magic staff who says he’s my fairy godperson.  How about you?”

 

They laughed and as their eyes met, the smiles faded to be replaced by serious and lustful stares.  After a long while in silence, Daniel spoke first.

 

“Jack?  There’s something I've really got to do, while I still have the chance.”

 

“You’re not gonna try walkin' on water again?”

 

“No, I’m going to try this,” Daniel breathed and before Jack could move a muscle, the prince was on his feet, and leaning forward, he placed his knees on the bench and straddled Jack’s lap.  Jack could feel Daniel’s knees and thighs grip his hips.  Resting his hands on the back of the seat, Daniel leaned in even closer to Jack and their lips made contact.

 

Daniel’s tentative kiss blossomed to explore Jack’s mouth, his tongue penetrating and tasting.  At first, Daniel thought Jack might reject his advances, but he didn’t.  Instead Jack made it clear to Daniel that he wanted what was being offered, his confirmation expressed by the way he brought his hands up to rest on Daniel’s waist.

 

Daniel wriggled his hips closer and Jack became aware of the younger man’s hard erection pushing against his abdomen.

 

“Whoa, Danny, that’s some calling card ya got there,” Jack gasped.

 

“Gonna take it and see what it says?”

 

“Daniel?”

 

“What, Jack?”

 

“Nuthin’,” Jack smiled as returned Daniel’s kisses.

 

Daniel knew now what he wanted, and he wanted Jack more than anything.  Not waiting for him to make a move, Daniel grabbed one of Jack’s hands and planted it firmly on his penis, and squeezing Jack’s hand under his, rubbed both against himself.

 

“Fuck, Danny,” Jack gasped again, “You don’t waste much time.”

 

“No, I don’t.  Got a problem with that?”

 

“Absolutely none,” Jack moaned against Daniel’s neck.

 

“Bring me off, Jack, please.”  Daniel’s voice was trembling with need.

 

Fumbling with the button and zipper, Jack liberated Daniel’s cock and wrapping his fingers around the shaft, pulled and stroked it as they kissed.  With his own body responding to Daniel's, Jack reluctantly stopped what he was doing and gently pushed Daniel far enough away to look him in the eye.

 

"I can't do this," he panted.

 

Hurt and disappointment flashed across Daniel's face and his shoulders slumped.

 

"I'm sorry, I thought..."

 

"I can't do this, like this," Jack breathed.  "Sitting here like this is cramping my style.  Get up a minute."

 

Daniel did as he was asked and began to stuff his throbbing length back into his trousers.

 

"Whaddya doin'?" Jack asked in horror.  "I haven't finished with you yet."

 

Seeing Daniel's confused face, Jack stopped the younger man's shaking hands.  "Over there, by the wall," he urged almost dragged his companion bodily across the floor of the summerhouse.

 

"This is better," Jack growled as he pinned Daniel firmly against the wooden side of the little structure with his body.  Not taking his eyes from Daniel, Jack felt for the waistband of Daniel’s trousers and underwear and gave a sharp tug, pulling them down to the other man’s knees.  Jack's eyes widened as he stared at Daniel's cock and heavy balls.

 

"Jeeze," Jack murmured, feeling his mouth water at the thought of taking Daniel whole.

 

“Like what you see?”

 

“Oh yeah.”

 

“I want you, Jack.  Let me,” Daniel murmured as he unzipped Jack’s flies, wanting to feel and touch.

 

Within moments, Jack leaned against Daniel hard, rubbing his swollen shaft against him.  Jack could sense Daniel’s orgasm was close, the man’s breathing had become sharp and erratic and as he drew his thumb across Daniel’s cockhead he could feel the moisture of leaking seminal fluid.  Jack circled Daniel’s skin with his thumb, spreading the damp pearl and pressing it against his hardened flesh.

 

“Jack, I’m close, so close.”

 

“Good, so am I.  Come for me, Danny,” Jack breathed as he took both his cock and Daniel’s into his hand and pulled at them as one, stroking vigorously as he murmured encouraging words against the man’s hot neck.  With a few more strokes Daniel came, hard, fast and hot.  The sight, sound and feel of Daniel’s orgasm over his hand drew Jack’s climax from his tense and eager body.  The men leaned against each other for support and their bodies quivered and trembled through their quick and secret encounter.

 

In their rush for completion, Jack had lost track of time and as they tried to clean up and straighten up their clothing, he heard the distant chimes of a clock; it was the large timepiece placed above the entrance to the ballroom.  A sudden panic gripped him, as he knew his time with Daniel was over and he had to leave.

 

“I’m sorry, Daniel, I have to go and go now!”

 

“Jack?  What do you mean?  Jack!”

 

“I’m sorry, forgive me.  We’ll find a way to be together, I promise.  I’ll find you again, Daniel!”

 

With that, Jack left a bereft and confused prince standing in the summerhouse.  Seconds later Daniel was hot on Jack’s heels, following him through the gardens and back to the ballroom.  He could see the figure of his new lover running towards a glowing ring of light where the pumpkin patch had been.  As Jack mounted the steps to the Stargate he could see his dress blues change into the rags that were his work clothes.  Waiting for him and yelling at him to hurry were Kowalski and Ferretti, flanking the stone circle and waving their arms to underline the need for haste.  As Jack drew level with them, the three leaped through as the watery façade flashed and distorted, obvious even to a layman that the portal was about to lose integrity and shut down.

 

As Daniel ran he felt like his heart and lungs were going to implode.  With every fibre in his body he had to find Jack before he lost him completely.  Rushing headlong through the gardens he felt something hard against his ankle and before he knew what was happening, his was flying through the air to land heavily on the ground with a thud.  With his mind still in a whirl he dragged himself upright and even with the throbbing pain that now gripped his leg, he ran again, fearful that his fall had lost him precious seconds in his pursuit of Jack.

 

Watching the retreating and limping figure disappear into the darkness, Harriet and Francine smiled at each other.  They still hoped that Daniel would need a shoulder or four to cry on…preferably theirs.

 

By the time Daniel reached the steps at the base of the circle, the portal was closed, leaving the surrounding area in virtual darkness except for the far lights of the ballroom.  Distraught at losing Jack so quickly, Daniel’s body shook with distress and the physical effort of trying to catch his lover.  Dropping to sit on a step, Daniel’s chest was still heaving for breath.  As he looked down he noticed something glint in the reflected light of the party and saw that it was a pair of sunglasses, Jack’s sunglasses.  Sweeping them up into the palm of his hand, Daniel let out a soul-churning cry, the desolation of Jack’s loss piercing him to the core.

 

As Jack re-emerged through the ring at Star Gate Castle, his mind was in turmoil and his body in spasms of rage and loss.  How could he have been forced to part from the only man he’d ever want in his life so quickly and so utterly?  He leaned forward, his hands on his thighs with his head between them.  Coughing, he tried hard not to throw up.  As he straightened again he heard a whooshing sound and then silence.  Spinning around, the gate had disappeared leaving only a spent and useless pumpkin in its place.

 

“No!  Come back, damn you!” he yelled.

 

“Think it’s gone for good,” said Kowalski, standing beside the wretched Jack.  “Sorry, boss.”

 

“Will it come back?” asked Ferretti.

 

“Dunno, Lou, I just don’t know.”  His two honour guards gently guided Jack away from the kitchen garden and the small smoking pumpkin towards the castle.  Choking, Jack couldn’t hide his distress and anger.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Act Three

 

Scene One

 

“What am I going to do, Dandini?  How will I ever find him again?”

 

“I don’t know, sir.  I would have liked a closer look at that circle, but by the time I got to it, it had all but vanished.”

 

The two sat silently as the afternoon drifted into evening, Daniel beside himself with grief, and Dandini powerless to help him.

 

That night, Daniel tossed and turned in his bed, unable to sleep.  In the early hours, he laid on his side, staring at the window, no more than a blank shape in the wall.  As he looked, he thought he could see movement; it looked like a wisp of smoke, something sensuous but unidentifiable.  As his eyes widened, the ‘smoke’ began to glow and as it increased in density it slowly formed into a shape, the shape of a woman.

 

“Don’t be afraid, Daniel.  I am your fairy godperson, Oma de Salad.”

 

“You…you are?”

 

“I am.  I have come to help you.  I sense your heart and soul is in mourning, for a loss that you cannot measure.”

 

“Yes, that’s true.  How did you know?”

 

“The wood burns hot in the fireplace, Daniel, even after the flames are exhausted.”

 

“What?”

 

“A bruise shows long after the blow.”

 

“What!”

 

“Your pain is as clear as the setting sun, the table laid for a feast, the curtain rising on a scene of pairing and passion, the candle glowing in the barn, the cow yielding a child’s sustenance, the…”

 

“Wait!  What are you talking about?”

 

“The obvious, Daniel.”

 

By this time, Daniel’s patience was wearing thin.  This glowy figure had arrived in his bedroom in the dead of night and was talking in riddles.

 

“Well, I’m sorry.  What is obvious?”

 

“Your pain and loss calls to me across time and space.  That is why I am here.  I have answered your call.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.  Tell me what your heart desires and I will help you,” Oma replied, smiling gently.

 

“I need to find Jack.”

 

“Wait for the turn of the season, Daniel.  Look for the seed that grows again, the rebirth of life will show you the way.” 

 

Daniel opened his mouth to ask for clarification, but it was too late.  The woman had gone and he was alone again in the silence of his bedroom.  The only thing that confirmed this apparition had ever shown itself to him was by way of a tiny glass vial with a gold stopper attached to a fine gold chain, laying on the floor where Oma had appeared.  Picking up the little bottle, Daniel held it up and studied it.  As far as he could make out, the vial contained a viscous amber fluid and what it was or what it was for was beyond his understanding.  Looping the chain around his neck, Daniel stuffed the container inside his shirt.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Scene Two

 

“Jack, how good to see you,” Harriet smarmed as he and the tall silver haired man met in the hallway.

 

“The feeling’s not mutual, Harry.  That’s your real name isn’t it?  Harry?” Jack snarled in response.

 

Swallowing hard, the smaller man ignored Jack’s question.  “C’mon, Jack.  It’s not all bad.”

 

“What isn’t?”

 

“Me being here.”

 

“Oh yes it is, Harry and don’t let anyone tell you different.  Let me tell you something else.  I don’t want you here, in fact I want you gone as soon as I can arrange it, so you’d better go pack your bags.”

 

“Jack, Jack, Jack.  You don’t mean that,” Harry continued, giving Jack a feigned look of surprise.

 

“Oh yes I do.  You, Frank and Kinsey do one thing to damage the SGC or upset George, and I swear I’ll shoot you.”  Jack’s voice was level and controlled.  His eyes narrowed as he stared down the other man and Harry took a protective step backwards.  He could see Jack meant every word and he had no doubt that this very attractive man would deliver his promise should the need arise.  Harry considered Jack to be attractive on the outside and dark on the inside.  He knew he and his associates would have to leave and soon; they were no longer safe with Jack around…

 

Rapping his knuckles sharply on Baron Hardup’s office door, Jack waited impatiently until his commanding officer bade him enter.

 

“Ah, Jack.  Come in, take a seat,” George said in a business-like fashion.  “What can I do for you?”

 

“It’s not what you can do for me, baron, it’s what I can do for you,” Jack replied cryptically.

 

“Care to explain, Jack?” the baron asked, shuffling some papers through his hands.

 

“It’s Kinsey and the ugly sisters if you must know, sir.  Do they really need to be here?  Isn’t it time they left?”

 

Smiling, George knew where Jack’s string of questions was leading.  “Look, son, they’re here to ensure the SGC continues.  The senorita is influential and we need her support.”

 

“There must be another way, sir.  Whatever benefits she may be able to offer us are far out-weighed by her general sliminess.  Just say the word and I’ll ask them all to leave, sir.”

 

“I’m sorry, Jack, we’re stuck with them, they’re a necessary evil and right now, we have no choice.”

 

Jack studied the baron as he shuffled more papers around his desk.  Eventually, when it was clear that George had no intention of continuing their conversation, Jack took his leave and headed for the sanctity of the kitchen.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Scene Three

 

Jacob here.  Almost a year has passed since Daniel and Jack last saw each other.  They are both sad and depressed at discovering each other only to have each snatched from the grasp of the other, but this is Pantoland, and as we all know, anything can happen in the land of make-believe.  Even Selmac could stop grouching.  You can have a speaking part as well if you want, not my fault it’s not Shakespeare.  What do you mean?  Hey!  I am not talking out of my ass, yours maybe but not mine! 

 

Anyway, a year down the line and our two star-crossed lovers are pining for one another.  Will they ever find a way back into each other’s arms? 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“I’m going to take a walk in the gardens, Dandini.  Want to accompany me?”

 

“Sure, sir, I’d like that.”

 

As the two strolled slowly around the formal flowerbeds near to the ballroom, Daniel stopped all of a sudden, staring at a strange patch of foliage in the middle of a flowerbed.

 

“Why does that look so odd?” Daniel said to himself as much as he did to Dandini.

 

As they approached the oddity of vegetation, Daniel knew exactly what it was.

 

“A pumpkin!” he exclaimed.

 

“Sir?”

 

“There’s a new pumpkin growing in the place where Jack’s pumpkin was.”

 

“I think you’re right,” Dandini smiled as he peered at the long growth of stem and leaves.

 

“Do you think it’s fully grown yet?”

 

“No, your royal highness.  It’s still quite small.  I would think it has another few weeks to go before it has stopped growing.”

 

“I want a twenty-four hour guard on it, no one is to touch it, go near it or even breathe on it.  Understood?”

 

“Yes, of course, Prince Charming.  Absolutely.  I’ll go and make the arrangements right now.”

 

After his courtier had fled into the palace on his errand, Daniel continued to look at the infant pumpkin.  Could this be what Oma de Salad meant by growth and rebirth?  Would a new pumpkin enable him to find Jack again?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jack fell asleep in his chair by the kitchen range and when he woke in the early hours just before dawn he became aware of a figure standing over him in the form of a very large black African man.

 

“O’Neill, awake,” the deep voice rumbled.  “You must begin your quest.  Stoke up the fire and make breakfast.  Today will be busy and you will be called upon to supply refreshments to all those in the castle.”

 

“Really.  Well, not this man, oh no.  If those scheming, two-faced, slimy, sonuvbitches want feeding they can do it themselves,” snapped Jack as he tried to relax into his chair and regain his sleep.

 

“No, you must be ready,” urged Teal’c quietly.

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

As Daniel made his daily visit to the pumpkin patch he noticed something odd about the vegetable he had so lovingly guarded and cared for.  The pumpkin was growing flat and round with a dip in the centre, like a ring donut lying on its side.  When he arrived the next day to inspect it, it was miraculously standing on end and was still growing, taller and taller, the dip in the centre opening out to reveal just a ring of space.  As Dandini stood by his side studying the shape and size of it, he saw another growth in front of it, like a large mushroom.

 

As he poked and prodded the outcrop, a guard saluted Daniel and presented his daily report.

 

“The…ah…growth has increased by two feet overnight, sir and that mushroom thing appeared at 3am this morning.”

 

“Well, look at that!” exclaimed Dandini, bent on making sense of the mushroom.

 

“What’s he doing, your highness?”

 

“Oh, I think he’s turning into a DHD.”

 

“Sir?”

 

“A Dedicated Hybrid Devotee, sergeant,” Daniel said smiling, by way of explanation.

 

The guard nodded but understood nothing about what was going on.  As Dandini played with the mushroom device, the giant circle started to rumble and move and before long, produced a huge shimmering tongue that darted out from the centre of the ring and retracted to remain stretched across the opening of the ring like taught quivering cling film.

 

“We should step through, sir and find out where it goes.”

 

“Are you sure it’s safe?”

 

“Well, according to my calculations this contraption is the mouth of a wormhole that travels across the galaxy.  This is the point of origin,” he said, jotting down a list of figures in his notebook.

 

“But…” and then Daniel stopped, the words of Oma de Salad ringing in his ears.  Look for the seed that grows again, the rebirth of life will show you the way.  “Yes, you’re right, we should go through.”

 

Dandini led the way to the shimming ring and standing to one side, allowed Daniel to step through first.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jack stared at what used to be the SGC’s pumpkin patch.  The monument that had grown in the garden virtually overnight could be seen for some distance.  Scrubbing his hand through his hair, Jack knew what this was, he recognised it from when his fairy godperson had invited him to step through to attend the ball and meet Daniel.  He glanced around him, but could see nothing that suggested anything that would control the ring and make it work.

 

Jack didn’t notice Kinsey watching him from behind a bush.  As he studied the structure, Kinsey rubbed his hands together.  He would find a way of putting a stop to this little experiment, or better still, take command of it and use it for his own gain.

 

Spinning around suddenly, Jack thought he heard a voice, well two actually, one a normal voice and the other as if two were speaking and it sounded fuzzy and odd.

 

“Behind you,” the voices said from afar.  “Behind you,” it came again.

 

Looking around Jack couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary and yet the voices continued, “Behind you.”  He didn’t see a dark figure melt away into the shadows and puzzled as the voices changed their message, booing and hissing as they faded away.

 

Exasperated by this latest development Jack threw back his head and yelled.  “Teal’c?  Teal’c!  I don’t know where the hell you are, but get your fairy godperson butt down here right now!”

 

Within a few moments, Teal’c materialised beside Jack, making him jump in surprise.

 

“Where did you come from?  Don’t!  Don’t answer that, I’ve got enough weirdness in my life and I don’t want to add to it.  You know how to work this thing?”

 

“I do, O’Neill,” the man said, bowing his head slightly.

 

“Well, make it work then,” Jack ground out between clenched teeth.  What was it with everyone today?

 

“I cannot,” the fairy godperson stated emphatically.

 

“Prey do tell why not,” Jack snarked getting more than a little irritated.

 

“This time your destiny must seek you out.  You must be patient, O’Neill.

 

“Really?  Well, I’m not gonna hang around an overgrown pumpkin and end up looking like a complete idiot.  I’m going back to the SGC; I’ve got work to do.  Lemme know if anything exciting happens, T.”

 

To Teal’c’s consternation, Jack strode back to the castle, his mood descending into darker and darker depths.  How could he stand around waiting to see if anything happened?  What if Daniel didn’t appear through that wall of non-water?  What if he, Jack, had to go through and couldn’t find Daniel on the other side?  He couldn’t bear to face yet another disappointment where Daniel was concerned; he didn’t think his mental or emotional state could cope.

 

When he’d returned to the kitchen, Jack found a hand written list of jobs from Harry and Frank.  Growling, Jack gathered his wood axe and headed for the copse on the north side of the castle.

 

Meanwhile, Daniel and Dandini came flying through the pumpkin to land in the squash patch and at the feet of one large black African man, holding a magic staff.

 

“Can I help you?”

 

“Are you Jack’s fairy godperson?” Daniel asked enthusiastically.

 

“I am.”

 

“Where is he?  I need to find him.”

 

“That I do not know.  How will you know him when you find him?”

 

“I’ve got his sunglasses.  I will give myself to whomever the shades fit and who looks the coolest with them on.”

 

“Sir?  That’s not a very scientific approach.”

 

“I don’t care.  I’ll know him when I see him.  I’ve got my own measuring stick, you know,” Daniel said quietly as he eyed the man with the staff.

 

As Daniel, Dandini and Teal’c stood at the front door of the castle, they waited to be admitted.  Baron Hardup welcomed his visitors and took them to the great hall.  Daniel had asked the baron to summon every man in the place so that he could set the sunglasses on the bridge of each nose and judge for himself whether he had found his beloved Jack.

 

After an hour or so, Daniel had inspected every man in the line, bar two.  As Harry and Frank stepped forward, the prince could only frown.  First they were women now they were men, maybe Jack was right and his world was much weirder than Daniel’s.  These two seemed familiar and when the senorita appeared at their sides, fawning over him, Daniel remembered where he’d seen them, at the ball a year before.  Shuddering, he placed the sunglasses on Harry’s sweaty nose bridge.  They obviously didn’t fit; his face was too fat for the glasses to perch as elegantly as they should.  Taking them off, Daniel offered them to Frank.  They fit him but he just didn’t look cool enough. 

 

As Frank was last in the line, Daniel looked around, hoping that there must be someone else left, someone who had not come forward and someone who was actually Jack.

 

“Baron?  Are you sure this is everyone?”

 

Hardup looked along the line.  “Yes, it is.  I don’t think there is anyone missing,” he said anxiously, counting the number of personnel he knew to be at the castle.

 

“The sunglasses fit me,” Frank said sharply.  “You have to take me, I’m the one you’re looking for.”

 

“I don’t think so.  They may fit you, but you’re just not cool enough, I’m sorry.”

 

“Frank can learn,” pleaded Kinsey.

 

“No, Frank lacks that one indefinable quality that I’m looking for.”

 

“Coolness?” asked Harry.

 

“Yes.”

 

At that point, Teal’c intervened.  “DanielJackson, what would the coolest person in the world be doing at this precise moment?”

 

Daniel thought for a few seconds and holding his finger up, as if to demand silence while he processed Teal’c’s question, he suddenly waggled it.

 

“I know!  The coolest person in the world wouldn’t be here at all.  He’d be somewhere else, showing just how cool he was by not getting involved with any of this.  He’d know that his coolness would speak for him and he wouldn’t need to be here to do that.”

 

Turning to the baron, Daniel spoke quietly.  “Sir?  There is someone missing.  Where is Jack?”

 

“Jack?  Well, Jack is…Maybourne, where is Jack?”

 

“I have no idea, baron, none whatsoever.”

 

“I don’t believe you,” intervened Daniel.  “You’re lying.  Where.  Is.  He?”  As Daniel asked this question he had his hands on Harry’s collar, shaking him with each word.  By now Daniel had his face close to Harry’s, and as he did he became aware of a certain aroma, a faint smell of wood smoke.

 

“Tell me, Harry, do you like wood fires?”

 

“Well, as a matter of fact I do,” replied Harry, his fat piggy brain working overtime as he imagined Daniel naked and spread out on the rug in front of his bedroom fire.

 

“Let me see your hands,” Daniel said quickly, grabbing them and turning them palms upward.  “You don’t chop wood do you, Harry?  I know where Jack is, baron,” Daniel grinned.  “He’s outside somewhere, splitting logs.”

 

With a nod of his head, Hardup indicated to two of his men to search the grounds and find his errant SIC.

 

Eventually, a hot, perspiring and dirty Jack was brought into the great hall.  Looking confused he was presented to Prince Charming and Daniel could smell lavender on him.  The sprig of dried and sweet smelling herb was pinned to his lapel.  As Jack’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped, Daniel slipped the sunglasses onto the man’s face and standing back, smiled broadly.  Yes, even in this state, Jack was the coolest man he’d ever seen.

 

Daniel asked George to clear the great hall, leaving him alone with Jack.

 

“Do you remember me?” Daniel asked tentatively.

 

“I’m not sure,” Jack grinned.  “Let me test my memory,” and with that he took Daniel in his arms and kissed him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jacob here.  Unbeknown to them, the entire cast had reappeared from the wings and began gently applauding our two heroes.  At last love, fate and some orange vegetables have conspired to reunite our lovers.  They would live happily ever after.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Scene Four

 

After all the excitement had died down and the two were left alone, Jack suggested he and Daniel retire for the night and so they made for Jack’s small dingy room in the bowels of the SGC.

 

“You’ve got a very small room, Jack,” Daniel observed, “but a very large bed.”

 

“Yeah well, I like to stretch out,” Jack said, grinning broadly.  “Are you tired?  Do ya wanna sleep?” he asked, suddenly feeling very awkward about their situation.

 

“Yes, I do want to sleep, but not yet,” smiled Daniel, hoping that Jack wasn’t actually ready to sleep either.  “We could talk for a while or…”

 

“Or kiss and…”

 

“And?”

 

“Do other stuff?” 

 

At this point Jack was laughing, he felt nervous and excited.  Here, opposite him across the bed, was the man who had filled his every waking thought and he couldn’t believe his luck.

 

“Perhaps we should undress?” asked Daniel, his anticipation mounting and leaving him almost breathless.

 

“Sure.  I can do that,” replied Jack, his hands already on his shirt buttons.

 

Slowly they stripped, each watching the other, enthralled and entranced by every new inch of revealed and exposed flesh.  Daniel stared as Jack turned to slip off his trousers and underwear.  As he bent over, Daniel could see the tight puckered muscle of Jack’s ass and he sucked in an audible breath.  Looking over his shoulder, Jack looked a little concerned.

 

“Are you all right?”

 

“Oh yes,” the prince replied very emphatically.

 

In a few moments of silence, the men stared at each other, their eyes roving over one another’s bodies.  Jack was slightly taller and leaner than Daniel.  Daniel’s body was more muscular, smoother and younger than Jack’s.  Daniel liked the look of the smattering of greying hair on Jack’s chest and Jack liked the look of Daniel’s large thick soft cock and heavy balls.  He remembered the feeling of that shaft in his hand the last time, and it sent a shiver through his body and a tingling in his dick.  The fact that the bed was between them meant they could look but not touch and that fact just pushed their lust and longing even higher up the scale.

 

“Daniel?  What’s that thing around your neck?”

 

“This?” Daniel asked fingering the little glass vial that Oma de Salad had given him.  “It’s something my fairy godperson left for me.  I think it’s some kind of oil.  I tried it on my fingers and a tiny amount goes a very long way."

 

Processing the information, Jack guessed that Oma de Salad had a good reason for giving Daniel this gift, and with a knowing smile, he was more than ready to make good use of it.

 

“Perhaps we should…” Daniel prompted, grasping the bed covers and holding them up.

 

“Yeah, I can do that as well,” Jack croaked and clearing his throat, gathered the covers on his side of the bed and threw them back.

 

For a few moments they lay together, side by side in the huge bed.  There was a boundary between them, of nerves, unfamiliarity and expectation, but Jack, being the man of action that he was, could stand it no longer.

 

"Daniel, I want you.  Do you want me?"

 

"Of course I do, more than anything, but I'm not that sure about how...about what...about where..."

 

"Hold up a moment, Danny.  Are you telling me you're a virgin?"

 

"If you mean have I ever had my ass fucked, then yes, I'm a virgin."

 

"See, that's what I like about you.  When you get yourself into gear, you're a straight talker."

 

"As straight as you?" laughed Daniel softly.  He was inexperienced, but not naive.  He knew the score and knew what he wanted to happen between them.  He just had to convince Jack that this was what he wanted and that he was ready for it.

 

"Try and relax, we both want the same thing, Jack."

 

"Yeah, I know, I just don't want to hurt you, put you off, y'know?"

 

"I'm sure you won't," Daniel whispered as he leaned close to Jack and brushed his lips against the older man's.  "This is what I want, closeness, intimacy."

 

"You want to be close and intimate?" Jack echoed, "Sweet."

 

Daniel felt that Jack had liberated something in him, had given him ownership of what and who he really was, and for that he would always be thankful.  Now he wanted to prove it, show Jack just how liberated he felt.

 

His gentle kisses became more needy and passionate.  As he lapped and laved Jack's skin his confidence grew and subtly he took the lead, laying on top of Jack and interlocking their fingers. He pulled Jack's arms above his head, bearing down his weight to pin him firmly underneath his body.  As he did so he began to rock his hips, grinding his erection against Jack's groin.  His breath hitching, Jack knew that Daniel wanted him to give himself up, to let Daniel map and discover his body and his responses.  As their desire grew they were aware of the existence of another powerful emotion, that of relief.  Jack had spent the previous twelve months hating his life and pining for Daniel.  Now that they were finally together, Jack’s relief was palpable as his eyes moistened; his heart was so full he thought it would burst. 

 

Daniel's passion increased quickly as he moved himself over Jack's body, he never thought that sex with a man could be this good, the contrast of hard and soft beneath him was a revelation.  For a year he was desperate to discover what had happened to Jack, powerless to find a way and anxious when he realised that the pumpkin was undergoing a transformation.  He knew now that everything in his life was culminating in this moment and he groaned at the pleasure and stimulation he felt as he continued to let his passion drive him. 

 

As if by some kind of mind reading ability, Jack seemed to know what Daniel craved and in one swift movement, Daniel was now on his back beneath Jack.  Reaching between them, Jack ran his fingertips lightly and teasingly along Daniel's length, eliciting a long low moan that made Jack smile.  Stroking him slowly, it was Jack’s turn to rock his hips and rub himself against Daniel.  Their ardour increased rapidly and Daniel bent his knees and lifted his legs instinctively, exposing his ass to Jack’s touch.  Jack kissed him with frantic open-mouthed kisses, covering his neck, his face and finally his mouth, eager and waiting, sliding a finger alongside his tongue and having wetted it, moved down to stroke the sensitive area, feeling it twitch under his contact.

 

Dipping his fingertip gently inside, Jack’s lust went off the scale as he felt Daniel’s soft hot tight interior.

 

“Jeeze, Danny, you feel so good.”

 

“You feel good too, Jack,” panted the prince feeling more rampant than charming.  “I want you in me, filling me, taking me all the way; I need to feel your possession, your claim.  Fuck me, Jack, please, now!”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yessssss,” insisted Daniel, wriggling his hips, dropping them down against Jack’s finger and pushing down to take more.

 

“Wait, we need to use that oil stuff.”

 

“Take it, take it,” Daniel rasped as he pulled at the thin gold chain, disconnecting the fastener and handing the vial to Jack.

 

With his hands shaking, Jack pulled at the stopper, poured out a few drops and rubbed his fingers together; he was amazed at how easily the liquid spread and coated his fingers and cock.  Looking at Daniel’s body, Jack was mesmerised, the man was beautiful and he was the one making love to him.  Gently, he returned his fingers inside Daniel’s ass to stretch and prepare his lover’s opening.  The sensations Jack created caught Daniel’s breath, the intense pleasure made his cock twitch.

 

“That’s…that’s incredible,” he moaned, as small beads of perspiration formed on his skin.

 

Encouraged by Daniel’s words, Jack grasped his hardened shaft at the base and offered his cock to rest against Daniel’s asshole.

 

“I’m gonna push into you, Danny.  Are you sure?”

 

“Yes, yes, I’m sure.  Let me feel you.”

 

“It might be better if you turned over, let me do this from behind.”

 

“No, I want to see you when you come inside me, I don’t want to miss anything,” Daniel said, his voice tense and needy.

 

“All right, just try and relax.”

 

As he pushed in, Jack could feel the slight resistance of the tight ring of muscle, and as it gave way he pushed further, penetrating Daniel’s inner core.

 

“It stings,” Daniel exclaimed as he frowned for a moment.

 

“Trust me, it’ll get better,” Jack crooned, ceasing his movement to allow Daniel time to adjust to his size.  “Better?”

 

“Yes.  Aaahh.  Move some more, Jack.”

 

Planting his hands firmly against Jack’s buttocks, Daniel pressed down and pulled Jack’s hips closer to him and at the same time raised his own to meet his lover’s thrust.

 

“Fuck!” grunted Jack as the heat and tightness engulfed him.

 

Quickly Jack established a forceful rhythm, thrusting deeply, penetrating Daniel to fill him.  As he pushed high up inside, he circled his hips to brush Daniel’s prostate time and again making the younger man writhe beneath him.  As his pleasure mounted, Daniel raised his legs higher, resting them over Jack’s shoulders and enabling Jack to lean forward and kiss him.  Daniel could feel his orgasm building, even though he wasn’t touching himself.  He knew if he did, he would come too quickly and he wanted to be conscious when Jack reached completion.  He wanted to see Jack come inside him, feel his orgasm and watch him climax.

 

“Danny, I can’t last much longer.  You turn me on so much I’m gonna come, I want to explode inside you…fuck…you are so good, you feel so tight and so hot…fuck!”

 

“Tell me when, Jack.  Tell me what it feels like when you come.”

 

Those words ignited Jack’s whole body and his balls began to tighten, fast.

 

“Watch me now, Danny, I’m gonna…oh yesssss…now, Danny, now!”

 

Reaching for his cock, Daniel stroked it rapidly wanting to come at the same time as Jack.  When he saw Jack’s eyes widened and his jaw slacken he knew his lover was close, very close.  Suddenly Jack’s body stiffen as his orgasm climbed and with a garbled commentary, he climaxed, releasing his seed into Daniel’s body.

 

Daniel was close behind and his cock spurted thick white streams of fluid over his hand and against Jack’s chest and abdomen.  Arc after arc of semen pumped from his dick as he saw stars and finally, when he was spent, he relaxed feeling Jack’s body weight on him.  Slowly lowering his legs, Daniel embraced his lover, kissing his neck.

 

“Are you okay?  Did I hurt you?” Jack gasped as he carefully withdrew from Daniel’s body.

 

“I’ve never felt anything like it, Jack.  It was wonderful; you were wonderful.  Can we do it again?”

 

“Sure we can, but I think I need to rest first,” Jack murmured, closing his eyes, his chest still heaving.

 

“Don’t forget you promised, Jack,” Daniel grinned thinking that he had, at last, found his purpose in life.

 

Smiling, Jack gathered Daniel into his arms and they rested together, eventually falling asleep like Babes in the Wood.  

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Epilogue

 

The next morning, Daniel and Jack were sitting outside, staring at the stone ring that appeared to have taken root in the grounds of Star Gate Castle.

 

“George is thinking we should move it to the great hall.  It would be safer there, and then your Dandini can study it.”

 

“Dandini isn’t mine exactly, though he is my aide and my companion.”

 

“Your official friend then,” Jack put in.

 

“Kind of, except that we do get on very well, he’s a genuine friend.”

 

“He’s a she,” Jack stated as he leaned against the back of their wooden bench.

 

“What?” Daniel started.  “I don’t know what you mean.  Dandini is a man.  He’s my male companion,” Daniel went on but as he did, becoming less sure of himself as he tried to dismiss Jack’s shocking observation.

 

“Look, Daniel, whether you like it or not, have noticed it or not, Dandini is a woman!”

 

“He can’t be, he just can’t be!”

 

“He is definitely a she.  You need to understand the culture and traditions of Pantoland.  You’re a bright guy, how come you haven’t figured it out all ready?”

 

“I’ve been studying Ancient Egypt.   And anyway, where does that leave us, Jack?”

 

“Simple.  Dandini is a woman playing a man.  Prince Charming is a man, wanting a man.  Kinsey and the ugly sisters are men playing deeply unattractive women, so the moral there is, behave like a weak and fragile girl or you’ll end up being the butt end of every man’s jokes.  As for me, I’m a man playing a man, instead of a woman, still wanting a man.  So the obvious conclusion is that Prince Charming gets it on with Jackerella and saves him from a fate worse than death.  It’s easy!”

 

“What about Kinsey and Frank and Harry?  What’s going to happen to them?”

 

“Teal’c has seen to that, Daniel.  Kinsey has a job with Walmart and Frank and Harry are working as cowherds in Switzerland.  They won’t be bothering us ever again.”

 

“That’s good.  I heard the baron has taken on some new personnel.  Someone called Widow Twanky and a couple of helpers, Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee.”

 

“Yeah, they’re from Special Ops.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“Well duh!  Widow Twanky, Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee?  They’re code names of course!”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jacob here.  Well what do you think, Selmac?  Quite a successful production I think.  What do you mean, kind of?  It went very well.  The heroes found each other and will live happily ever after, and the bad guys got their comeuppance.  Jack gave a very interesting lecture about cross dressing, transsexual practices and the fact that love isn’t always a feminist issue.  I think he did very well.  Selmac!  What do you mean he said nothing about trans-symbiotism?  Yes, I know all about snake lib and Tok’ra emancipation, but you can’t expect Jack to know that.  You had some lines to deliver, what more do you want?  Well that’s just plain stupid.  Of course we’re equal and now you’re just being difficult because I got the part and you didn’t.  You’re talking out of your butt again and you can leave mine alone, thank you.  Now look what you’ve done.  When I said I wanted you to grow hair on my head I didn’t mean that one!”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The End