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Death of a Deciduous
By Miguel Le Shake
John ‘The Dancer’ Walsh (seen above pleasuring himself) was today convicted in Kilcock Circuit District Court of pre-meditated lumber jacking, driving while under the influence, unprovoked spin-a-rooney-ing, public exposure and wearing tight pants. Mr. Walsh (alias ‘1 BOOT’) of 31 Rockfield Green, Maynooth, Co. Kildare and formerly of Lea, Portarlington Co. Laois, was apprehended at 3:40am on Sunday 14th November 2004 at Rockfield Avenue on the Rockfield Council estate in Maynooth. He had been observed some time before that driving erotically before mounting the path and knocking down an innocent tree by the name of Fraxinus Excelsior, better known by his nickname ‘Ash’. Mr. Ash sustained fatal injuries and was subsequently decapitated. He leafs behind a wife, Holly and two children, Rowan and Juniper. When Gardai arrived on the scene they observed two accomplices making their getaway however the Walsh scumbag was too out of it and instead of running away started running around in circles and skipping like a girlie, shouting ‘I am a woman called Janet’. Gardai arrested him and took him to Naas Garda Station where he was detained and charged. His accomplices were never caught. They are believed to be Dylan ‘Low Blow’ Moore, of Rockfield, Manor (who are they kidding), Maynooth and Colin ‘I’d Love To’ Moane with addresses at Rail Park, Maynooth and Fancy Penthouse, Clane, Co. Kildare. Mr. Moore (alias ‘Dungate’) is known to authorities and wanted in relation to a number of incidents in the north Kildare area, including terrorizing nuns, making crap jokes and wearing dodgy cardies and shirts. He is a known associate of Stephen ‘Nasty’ Fenessy. Mr. Fenessy (alias the ‘Jackal’) has been on the run for the past 13 months and is believed to be in Spain where he controls the TV. Mr. Moane, affectionately known as ‘Chops’ (alias the ‘Ho-Moaner’) is a shady character who has been involved with such colorful underworld crime lords as ‘Miley The Builder’ and ‘Leonard The Builder’ (no relation).
Mr. Walsh was accompanied to court by his ‘Moll’, Ms. Susie Collins, daughter of notorious Tipp Gangstar Rapper, Billy ‘The Goat’ Collins, who was arrested in 2000 for shooting a referee with a starting pistol at an under 12’s camogie club match. Mr. Walsh was represented in court by Solicitor Niall Naughton. His Royal Highness Mr. Justice Benny Brophy presided over the proceedings. ‘This is an open and shut case’, said Chief Brophy. ‘The defendant was found intoxicated, at the scene of the crime’, he continued. ‘There is no doubt in my mind as to Mr. Walsh’s guilt. He was the proverbial squirrel caught with his hands on the nuts’, quipped Chairman Dr. Sir Brophy The Great. Lord Brophy sentenced 1 Boot to 12 months off the road and a €500 fine which, given the bastarding hangover he had, he decided to commute to death by draw. Mr. Walsh was banished from the court and taken to the gaudi den of drinking and general gayness that is Barcelona where he will be incarcerated for a period of 5 nights and he will routinely humiliate his girlfriend and himself before watching a team of his hero’s being massacred in the Nou Camp, having paid an exorbitant price for his ticket. Mr. Walsh’s council appealed the severity of the sentence at which point Colonel Lord Brophy took him outside and beat him to death with his own slip on, patent leather, buckled shoe. Let’s hope this is the last we see of any of these characters, though somehow I doubt it will be. END.