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Q: Is your name really GARRY DASHNER?
A: That's what it says on my driver's license.
Q: Do you have any major issues?
A: Yes. I have several copies of "Life", "Newsweek" and "TV Guide".
Q: Are you a racist?
A: No. I've never driven a race car in my life.
Q: Are you a committed person?
A: No. I've never been in a mental institute.
Q: Are you a driven person?
A: No. I've never had a chauffeur. I've driven myself all my life.
Q: Are you a responsible person?
A: I'd have to say yes. Whenever something happens, people say I'm the one responsible for it.
Q: Do you have any political experience?
A: Yes. I was President of my 6th Grade Class.
Q: Do you have any experience in Law Enforcement?
A: Yes. I was a school crossing "Safety" in 6th Grade.
Q: Do you have any educational experience?
A: Yes. I was "Chalkboard Monitor" in the 3rd Grade.
Q: Do you have a lot of patience?
A: No. I'm not a doctor.
Q: Are you Bipolar?
A: No. I've never been to either the North or South Poles.
Q: Are you a sexual offender?
A: No. I've never found sex to be offensive, nor have I ever offended it.
Q: Do you have Aids?
A: No. I don't use hired help. I usually do things myself.
Q: Are you a cross dresser?
A: No. I'm always happy when I put on my clothes. I never get angry or cross at anybody.
Q: Have you ever worked overseas?
A: Yes. I did have some jobs in which I had to cross the Missouri River via the Chouteau Bridge.
Q: Do you consider yourself a moral person?
A: Yes, although I have to admit that one time I did take a girl out for a cup of coffee once. But, that was in my youth. I've grown up a lot since then.
Q: Come on now. You did more than that, didn't you?
A: Okay. I'll fess up. Twice, I took girls out to a movie. But, I didn't buy them any popcorn.
Q: Have you ever been in a fight?
A: Yes. Once I went down to the Post Office and licked a couple of stamps.
Q: Are you a con artist?
A: No. I don't draw pictures of people in jail.
Q: What is the most horrible thing that ever happened to you?
A: Once I woke up and found out that I was out of coffee.
Q: Have you ever been arrested?
A: No. But once I was stopped by the Highway Patrol for Interstate transportation of pornography because I had a National Geographic magazine laying on the back seat. Well, it had a picture of a naked giraffe in it.
Q: Do you believe there is a superior race?
A: Yes. The Indianapolis 500.
Q: How do you usually feel?
A: With my fingers.
Q: Do you believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny?
A: They do not exist. I got it straight from the Tooth Fairy herself.
Q: What do you think about the politicians who are running the country?
A: I cannot answer that as it's against the law to put profanity on the Internet.
Q: Can you speak a foreign languge?
A: I've studied a little bit of several languages. For instance, the Japanese word for, "Hello" sounds like, "Ohio". I know this because one day a Japanese gentleman came up to me and said, "Oh-hi-oh"; to which I said, "No. Mizz-oo-ree".
Q: Do you believe Mankind descended from apes?
A: No. However, looking at the people who run our Government, I can see where people would get that impression.
Q: Who do you admire the most?
A: Next to JESUS, there are a lot of people I admire. Michael Douglas is one of them. Think about it. The guy beat out Zorro for Catherine Zeta Jones!
Q: Seriously. Next to JESUS, who do you admire the most?
A: Next to JESUS, the greatest man I ever knew and loved was my father. I just wish I had told him so while he was still alive.
Q: In todays's World, what kind of a stand do you take?
A: I'd like either a hot dog or lemonade stand. I wouldn't mind having Bandstand, but Dick Clark got there first.
Q: Are you an educated person?
A: No. But, I have been to college.
Q: Have you ever had a traffic ticket?
A: No. My driver's license photo is so bad that the Officer would either feel sorry for me and let me go, or laugh so hard, he'd forget to give me a ticket.
Q: If you could do it all over again, what would you be?
A: A millionaire.
Q: At this stage in your life, where do you plan to go from here?
A: Over to there.