Too Much Time To Think...
I feel the blood pulsing through my wrist as I sit
hands poised above the keyboard
forgetting all responsibility for a few moments
too few
my mind and stomach churn as thoughts race
run
hide
stand
fight
give in
die trying
nothing makes sense anymore
conflicting thoughts
conflicting views
pain and fear mingle closely
dancing slowly then spinning
faster and faster
as I drown in the swirling tidewaters of my life
not wanting to give up yet not knowing where to turn for support
I go down for the second time
once more and then
what?
do I return from the nether realm or stay
blissfully insane
comfortably disconnected
burying all thought and memory
having no more responsibility to torture my fragmented mind
at least Sybil had others within her own mind to blame
my "others"
my voices
leave me to pick up all the clues and sort through the pieces
alone
broken
damaged goods no one sees
no one wants
trying desperately to live up to expectations set long ago
failing miserably
almost at the brink between sane and insane
aching to teeter over
scared of the fall
I close my eyes
take a breath
and jump
November 8, 1999
